RNDM THOT PTRNS

Update

2009-10-21T12:56:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything here. It's mostly been a matter of nothing new to report.

Still haven't found a new job, although I've found work at the comedy club as their new doorman.

I've become more and more adept at living on a shoestring budget.

I'm working on my plan B, as I've got less than two months left on my unemployment and I'm running out of places to drop off resumés. I've been thinking about going back to school, and I'm trying to find a course of study that won't bore me to tears yet will actually prove to be a practical choice. I was lucky to have twelve years in graphic design before it proved to be a bit of a dead end.

I've made the decision to put off the next Personality of Cult show for a while until I get my life back on track. MixTape Art Show is still on track to open in December, but I'm scrambling to get more artists involved. Turnout is proving a bit light.

I'm still doing stand-up, and I'm keeping the joke blog updated every day. I'm considering trying to get it published as a book once I get the initial year's worth of jokes written.

Other than that... Not much to report.

What gets into some people?

2009-08-19T14:28:00.003-05:00

Watch this clip:

Not a viewpoint I agree with, but compared to some people at these town hall meetings, she seems fairly civil about her dissent... Until she appears again in this clip:

Holy. Living. Fuck.

Someone explain to me why a woman wearing an Israeli Defense Forces t-shirt is yelling "Heil Hitler!" at a Israeli man who's talking about health care? Now, I'm not the most fashion savvy person on the planet, but isn't that more than a little faux pas? What's she gonna do for an encore, put on blackface and confront Chuck D?

You'd think given my career choices, I'd be used to backstabbers by now.

2009-07-16T00:34:00.001-05:00

First and foremost, let me tell you guys to NOT call me about this. I won't be able to get a new phone until tomorrow. Just know that I'm fine, and my jaw and my back is a little sore, but it's nothing a little Advil and Neosporin can't handle. My mood, on the other hand is to be expected after being stabbed.

Yes, I fucking said STABBED.

I was on my way down Memorial after open mic night at the Loony Bin. I was coming up on the Steak and Shake when I saw a group of teenagers running across the street. I blew my horn at them, as a few of them were getting ready to dart in front of my car. As I passed, one of them threw their drink at me.

THUD! SCREECH! I slammed my brakes and got out of my car. I yelled at them, demanding to know who threw their shit at my car. All but three of them ran off. The ones that stayed behind came up to me, ready for a fight.

The first one said something along the lines of "C'mon motherfucker!" (or something just as eloquent). A second moved to my right side. The first guy kicked me in the leg with about as much force as a stiff breeze. Seriously, this kick couldn't have broken balsa wood.

I turned my head to look at the second guy trying to flank me. As I turned my head, he clocked me on the left side of my jaw. I think he was aiming for my nose, but missed. Didn't really ring my bell so much as it just knocked me off balance. But it was enough to let me know they meant business.

That's when the third guy pulled something out of his pocket. I believe my response was "Is that a fucking screwdriver? Seriously?" Let it be known that I am a pacifist, but I've also got a pretty big fucking mouth because this guy started to charge at me with it. So, I naturally ran back to my car. Sure, what this thug lacked in subtlety, he sure as hell made up for it in his purchase at Home Depot.

On the way back to my car, in hindsight, I dropped my phone. Oh, and I also felt a blow to the middle of my back. I thought one of the little fuckers had punched me, but after driving off, the second car to flag me down pointed out other wise.

The first car told me that they saw the whole thing, and that they'd testify if needed. I felt fine, just pumping adrenalin and I told them that it wouldn't be necessary. The second car said the same thing, but added the phrase, "No, dude. That guy fucking stabbed you!"

Signaling them over to the Walgreen's parking lot, I asked them to look at my back. Tiny hole, no bleeding. The cops arrived, took my statement. The paramedics arrived, checked me out, and told me it wasn't bad. Barely broke the skin. Not even worthy of a trip to the hospital or even a bandage. But in legal terms, that was still assault with a deadly weapon.

The witnesses told me (and the cops) that one of the bad guys picked up my phone. So, add theft to the mix. I told the cops to throw in a jaywalking charge and destruction of property while they're at it.

So, I went about my evening with a really fucked up story for the guys at the bar. The irony is, the cops said they'll call me if anything turns up. Hopefully, it'll be after I get my new phone turned on.

Like I said, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I don't know if that little fucker didn't have that great of upper body strength or maybe a poor choice in weaponry, but the damage was merely a flesh wound. Personally, I attribute the lack of real damage to the fact that I've never had a back massage in my entire life, and 32 years of tension built up a knot strong enough to deflect a flathead screwdriver tip.

But enough about me, how was your night?

Angels and Demons

2009-07-04T09:54:00.002-05:00

To quote Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000, "I want to hurt this movie, but I don't think I can hurt it the same way it hurt me."

I've had a pretty good run at the movies the past few years. Of all the movies I paid to see since I moved back to Tulsa, the worst of them ranked as still pretty good. I attribute most of this to being very selective about what I throw my money at, and quite a few times it's been luck of the draw. Well, my lucky streak has ended with Angels and Demons.

I completely avoided anything having to do with the Da Vinci Code. Never read the book, nor the graphic novel, nor did I see the movie. Which was uncharacteristic of me because usually I enjoy anything that pisses off religious people. So, why did I go see Angels and Demons? Because a friend asked me to tag along, and I haven't seen a new movie in over a month. So, I took a chance, and now I'd like to respond.

First of all... Dan Brown, go fuck yourself. I've had conversations with homeless conspiracy theorists that had more credibility than your story arcs. I've fallen asleep with the TV tuned to the A&E and gotten a better grasp of history than you have. And the thought that so many people actually bought in to your bullshit, and that the Catholic Church considered you some sort of a threat, just makes me wanna French kiss the barrel of a sawed off shotgun and welcome the sweet release of death. You are to legitimate storytelling what Girls Gone Wild is to lesbianism; a cheap, flashy, completely non-realistic representation that leaves people too ashamed to demand their money back.

Second... Ron Howard, Tom Hanks, you're better than this. I can't blame you both for wanting a safe paycheck, but come on. This material is suitable only for people who found the mind games in the Saw movies a little too obtuse. It makes the Hardy Boys look like Hitchcock. I know Mr. Brown has a new book in this series coming out soon, but please, for the love of all things good and decent in this world, don't... Just don't.

I do, however, need to give the film credit for one thing: I didn't immediately figure out who the bad guy was. But, the moment all characters were established, I knew that if any of them were the bad guy, I figured out exactly how they would do it. It's like going to a restaurant knowing full well where they would spit in your food, and then, eating around it.

And I'm usually not one of those snooty nit-pickers that get all up in arms about little details in a film. I have a friend that hated Titanic because the Picasso and Monet paintings that went down with the ship were ones that still exist today, and that's what ruined the film for him. I'm not that kind of guy. I'll forgive the occasional flawed detail if the rest of the movie entertains me, but from the initial claim that there were a billion Catholics in the world, to Galileo's use of English in his clues, to the climactic assertion that cold temperatures had weakened the life of the doomsday device's batteries, this was the first movie that made me want to shout "BULLSHIT!" at the screen.

I wanted to give this movie a chance, but halfway through, I felt like sneaking in to see Transformers, just for the fact that those filmmakers knew their movie was brainless. Angels and Demons tried to pass itself off as intellectual, but in the same way someone actually slips their word-a-day calendar entries into daily conversation. It feels forced and only makes people like me want to laugh at their efforts.

To me, even the worst movies I sat through have had some redeeming quality that made the ticket price somewhat worth it. When I saw The Talented Mr. Ripley, I was able to ignore the insipid plot and dialogue and focus on the beautiful scenery. And even though Angels and Demons took place in Rome and the Vatican, it had all of the charm of a tour of Italy with a tour guide hopped up on Mescaline.

In summary, avoid this movie with every fiber of your being. Laugh derisively at anyone you see purchasing the DVD when it comes out. If a friend so much as mentions adding this to their Netflix queue, well, go ahead and let them watch it. Think of it as letting them date someone you don't approve of. Pointing out their bad judgment would only damage the friendship, and believe me, they'll need a shoulder to cry on when they realize they've made a horrible mistake.

Weird week

2009-06-12T15:48:00.002-05:00

Sweet Zombie Jesus! This has been one hell of a week.

I got laid off on Tuesday. Not fired. Fired doesn't come with an apology every 15 seconds from my boss. There's just not enough work coming in to warrant having a full-time designer on staff. It sucks, but I understand it. Suddenly, I find myself really giving a shit about the economy.

I'll be alright. I'm actually kinda relieved at this new development. My options are wide open and for the first time in my life I have the wisdom to appreciate that state of mind. My main options are:

Draw unemployment and interview around to find a full-time job.
Drum up enough freelance work and find part-time work to sustain myself.
Focus more on my comedy career.
Maybe go back to school.
Invest in a shack in Montana and drop off the grid.

Let's break that down...

Option #1 brings about many doubts. When the economy goes south, companies slash their advertising budgets. Which is counter-intuitive in my opinion because how are you supposedto bring in new customers if no one knows you're still in business. Its at times like these that any job that's available no doubt has many damned good reasons why it's available.

Option #2 is the most attractive to me. Sure, it means shoestring budgets, but I'd have my freedom to do almost anything I want when I can afford to do it. But hey, I've landed three freelance jobs this week alone... Maybe I can pull it off!

Option #3 is pretty attractive, seeing as the timing may be right to do something on that front. You see, on Wednesday I found out I made the run-off ballot for Urban Tulsa's Absolute Best fo Tulsa Awards for Best Comedian. I'm up against two seasoned professionals, but hey... Fingers crossed.

Option #4 is looking more and more likely. Why not try something different, you know?

Option #5 is pretty much out. I'm liking the limelight too much to pull a J.D. Salinger.

Stay tuned for more.

That's my name, wear it out

2009-06-01T21:40:00.003-05:00

This is my new personal logo. Now, look at it upside down.

It's called an ambigram.

Here's the backstory:

Back in design school, I had a Grateful Dead decal on my art supply kit. Having just taken a class in Typography, I just loved this decal because of the way the words were designed. If you looked at the words Grateful Dead upside down, it read Grateful Dead. I remember showing the sticker to my Typography teacher and I asked if he'd give me extra credit if I could do something like that. He told me it would depend on the word.

Out of the eventual need for a personal logo when I was to start my job search a year later, and not purely out of self-centeredness, I decided I was gonna try to do my name this way. Piece of cake, I thought. I spelled out my name, then spun the paper around and spelled out the same letters above them, mapping out what the letters have to look like upside down to pull it off.

That's when I spotted the trouble. I wanted DAN FRITSCHIE to read the same when flipped. Flipping a D and making it read E wasn't too difficult, nor was N and H, but making any of the others work was a major pain in the ass. I even tried to simplify the process and make DANIEL read like FRITSCHIE, but making six letters look like nine upside down just made it harder.

Then, I thought I'd make it infinitely easier and just do FRITSCHIE. I stayed up nights doing sketch after sketch and nothing was quite working. The end of the semester quickly came and went, and I gave up on it... Until I was getting ready to graduate. It was laboring on this logo instead of other pieces for my portfolio that was partly to blame for repeating that particular semester. Having to focus on other things, I put it away and chalked it up as my unfinished, albeit deeply frustrating symphony.

Over the years, I revisited the idea, trying it in a variety of styles, from Art deco, to art nouveau, grunge, etc. and I still never got it to work. The F-E combo was simple enough, and it helped that S is right there in the middle. It was the RIT looking like upside down CHI that was the tough nut to crack. Off and on over the next twelve years, I would do a rough sketch or two, promising never to get sucked into it again. If I was gonna be locked in a padded room, it wasn't gonna be over a damned logo!

Then came help from the Illuminati.

The movie Angels and Demons did not interest me at all. Same thing with the DaVinci Code... not my cup of tea. But I went to the Angels and Demons website, and the graphic work there, where they had ambigrams of ILLUMINATI, FIRE, WATER, EARTH, AIR and METAL... all of which, pardon the pun, cracked the code of finishing that damned logo of mine.

A couple dozen sketches later, I had the groundwork for this new logo. A couple of hours messing around in Illustrator, couple of warp filters and viola! Years of intermittent insanity, and it was a Ron Howard movie that made me see the light?!? I guess all there's left to say is: Thanks, Opie!

Might make a neat tattoo, huh?

David

2009-05-22T00:30:00.002-05:00

I wanted to share a story with you. It's one that's been on my mind a lot lately, given an event that happened last week, but more on that later. For now, I present to you, a wonderful love story.

David Fritschie was my cousin. His most prized possession in the entire world was his Plymouth GTX. His parents got it around the time of his birth, and when he turned 16, his father gave him the car. A beautiful matte green monster of a car with two black racing stripes, which he always kept in pristine condition. Two memories I keep about David was the time he had to send the car back to the shop after they botched a retouch paint job on the hood, and the time he scolded me for sitting in the driver's seat (a hell-worthy trespass in his opinion). These were probably the only times I ever saw him angry. It should also be noted that he NEVER let anyone else drive that car, under any circumstance.

But that's just a minor part of the story. The real story is about he and his wife, Beth.

They went to the same high school, but never got to know each other until much later. He knew of her in high school, even remembering the one class they shared and where she sat every day. About five years after high school, their paths crossed again at a bar. David came up to Beth and talked about their mutual friend who had tried to set them up together. Beth had offered to buy him a beer, and thankfully returned with two Budweisers, as Coors would've been a deal-breaker with David and then where would this story be?

They talked for a while, and Beth asked him to dance. David never danced, but for her, he made an exception. Later that night, they had their first kiss. Who kissed whom first was heavily debated, even after fifteen years.

They were deeply smitten with each other. One month in, and they were living together. Three years later, David decided he wanted to marry her. Knowing that Beth was not the jewelry type, he was puzzled as to what to do for an engagement ring. Then, he did something much more meaningful than any diamond could convey: He gave her a set of keys to his Plymouth GTX.

This was HUGE. Even we blood relatives were given the stink eye if we so much as touched that car, much less drive the frickin' thing! But even with this grand gesture, David was determined to get her a proper engagement ring. Money was obviously a factor, so Beth told him that if he really wanted to get him a ring, here's what she wanted... A Ring Pop. Watermelon. With a blue base.

David went to nearly every convenience store in the surrounding area, no doubt looking like a crazy person sitting on the floor of the candy aisle, sifting through every Ring Pop looking for the exact one his love had requested.

To this day, Beth still has that Ring Pop. A long since melted symbol of their love, and as Beth describes, the main reason their house is infested with ants.

This story of the blossoming of their relationship was something I was not aware of until this week. Being his cousin, I just remember Beth and David being together and that was that. Peas and carrots, as Forrest Gump once said. They were married soon after, and later had a daughter, Tess, who was this perfect mix of two of the best parents I ever witnessed. David was selflessly devoted to his wife and daughter.

It pains me to no end to use the past tense in this story.

David Charles Fritschie died on May 13, 2009. He and another man, a home owner David was helping out with a new water service line, were murdered by a mentally unstable man, a twice- convicted felon, over a dispute about said water service. This man, if we must call him one, is currently in custody and is awaiting trial.

I, like all others that knew and loved David, are heartbroken over this tremendous loss to the world. In my life, I've had to deal with death quite a few times. I've lost my father at an early age, and later lost my grandmother, my grandfather, and my mentor. However, all of these deaths, heartbreaking and tragic as they have been, were due to disease or freak accident. This is the first time I've been dealt the added devastation of having someone to blame. Since this senseless murder, we've all been pinballing back and forth from sorrow to rage.

David was my cousin. He was my older brother Eric's best friend and best man at his wedding. Growing up, David was like another brother to me, or as I put it at the funeral, the brother that didn't beat me up (not that I really blame Eric, because I did go out of my way sometimes to be a major pain in his ass).

And in all of this heavy flood of emotion, it's this story of David's undying love for Beth, and his devotion to her and their daughter Tess, that has pulled me back from the ledge. And while it's a small comfort in light of the tragic circumstances of his death, I know that David's life fits nicely in the category of "Life Well Lived".

His funeral this Tuesday was a testament to and a celebration of his life. Overflow in the church service caused a break out of folding chairs, and even then, there were many left standing. His coffin was adorned with the logo of his prized Plymouth GTX. He was buried in tie-dye, a fashion choice he wore nearly every day for the past 15-20 years of his life. Amazing Grace was played at the service, a recording made by Jerry Garcia, a favorite of David's.

David, we love you and we'll miss you every day until we someday will see you again. Be at peace.

The Tess Fritschie Scholarship Fund has been created at Bancorp South in Fort Smith at 1222 Rogers Ave; Fort Smith, AR 72901.

The Southside High School class of 1989 has set up a David Fritschie Memorial Fund at First National Bank of Fort Smith, P.O. Box 7; Fort Smith, Arkansas 72902.

The letter I SOOOO want to send to the fraudulent debt collectors that keep bugging the crap out of me.

2009-04-19T22:21:00.001-05:00

In dealing with the fake debt collectors earlier today, I became obsessed with wanting to expose these people for the frauds they are. To that end, I'm gonna let them make their phone calls for a little while longer, having a little fun with the poor schmucks they have manning the phones for them. When that gets boring, I'll file a cease and desist letter and wait for them to try and call me again so I can sue their asses.

So, tonight I started a draft of that letter, but found I had too much frustration to craft a proper, diplomatic letter to these jackasses. So, I wrote up a fully sarcastic version of the letter just to get it out of my system. The language is a hard R, so anyone under the age of 17, PLEASE don't read past this point.

For the rest of you, enjoy:

Dear festering boils on the ass of society,

Pursuant to my rights under federal debt collection laws, I am requesting that you cease and desist communication with me, as well as my family and friends, in relation to this and all other alleged debts you claim I owe. In particular, the debt of over $7,000 (American) on the 2000 Saturn SL2 that had been labeled as repossessed in October of 2002 by GMAC.

On numerous occasions (at least 9 times between March 14 and April 17, 2009), I have been contacted by your company in an attempt to collect on this debt. The first time, I gotta admit, you kinda had me fooled. The way your Representative Attempting Monetary Return On Debt (hereafter referred to as RAMROD) tried to scare me with the threat of being taken to court and possibly have my wages garnished. Quite the little sphincter pucker I had that afternoon. However, there were some clues that your company was completely full of shit, such as:

A. Verification that I was the Daniel Fritschie you were looking for, even though a simple Google search would prove that I was the one of only two Daniel Fritschie's in the world today. And, seeing as the left wing for the Minnesota Wild NHL hockey team doesn't live in Oklahoma, and even his name is spelled slightly different, it's a pretty safe bet.

B. A lame attempt to verify my Social Security number. After an awkward silence by me, RAMROD switched gears and decided to verify my date of birth instead.

C. RAMROD talked a good game about being able to have my wages garnished, yet gave no indication that your company even knows who I work for.

D. I was repeated informed by RAMROD that the conversation was being recorded and that any information obtained from the recording would be used as evidence against me in court. There's not a judge in this country that would allow a deposition of a defendant over the phone without legal counsel. Wish for me to cite my source on that? Well, I first learned it from an episode of L.A. Law in 1986. And again, a simple Google search confirmed this statement.

The second time I spoke to an actual RAMROD of your company (not the automated computer voices that start the calls), we spoke for a couple minutes, as a follow-up from the first call. I had mentioned that I had consulted an attorney, and I was asked to be put on hold. Three bars into "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)", I was hung up on.

Six of the other instances that your company has called me has either gone straight to my voicemail, or RAMROD hangs up on me almost immediately. One of which was last night, which prompted me to call your company after hours and leave a voicemail message requesting that my number be removed from your calling lists. I say lists, because each time your company calls me, its from a different number, from one of two distinct area codes, making the process of blocking your number too unnerving to indulge in.

During the course of the message, I may have mentioned that I now know that your entire operation is a scam. If this touched a nerve in your organization, I'm truly sorry (that I didn't accentuate that statement by saying "fucking scam"). Because this morning, I got a call back from another of your RAMRODs in response to the voicemail message I had left, wherein he went through basically the same speech I was given the first time you had called. Only this time, I pointed out the aforementioned flaws in your, as I now know, pre-written script that every one of your RAMRODs must be able to master or else they are fired, and I'm guessing they go right back to the streets to pull tricks for meth money.

However, I was not able to finish my statements to your RAMROD before he told me I was being rude and hung up on me. I was wanting to announce that I was willing to write a check for the full amount of the debt right here and now, providing you could supply me with the following:

1. A signed, witnessed and notarized letter from GMAC that this money will go to paying off this supposed debt, even though it has completely left my credit report altogether. How do I know this, because how else would I have qualified for a new car loan last fall?

2. A copy of the complete court transcript of one (1) lawsuit that your company has filed, won and managed to garnish the wages of the defendant, as well as proof that the recorded telephone conversations were admitted into evidence.

3. Written or verbal confirmation that you know my Social Security number AND middle name. You know, standard legal bullshit.

4. I would like my Saturn SL2 back. The whole reason I got into this mess was because I exercised the option to turn the car in and avoid the balloon payment, and GMAC lost the damned paperwork. This is why the debt went unpaid in the first place, and I'm telling you the same thing I told GMAC before they gave up trying to collect the debt from me: I'm not paying for a car I'm not driving.

However, seeing as the statute of limitations on that debt for the State of Oklahoma where I reside, as well as the State of Arkansas where the initial contract on that car was signed is five (5) years, and that expired in October, 2007, my offer to pay the money is pretty much moot, as is your claim to the debt. Ooooh... Sick burn!

So, please stop calling me, quit sending me bills in the mail, forget you even fucking know my name, because you have absolutely no legal leg to stand on. Besides, even if you did, you would have served me with papers instead of calling me on my cell like a little bitch.

You are hereby notified that if you do not comply with this request, I will immediately file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission and the Oklahoma Attorney General’s office. Civil and criminal claims will be pursued. Also, I now know where your offices are, as well as how to make a molotov cocktail. Surprisingly enough, I managed to find out both of those bits of information with the same Google search. You guys should really try that out. Fucking amazing!

In closing, may your spirits burn for eternity in the fiery sub-basement of the lower structure of whatever Hell considers to be it's own Hell. May the teeth of a thousand beasts repeatedly puncture the tenderest flesh of your bodies while everyone laughs at your genitals. Fuck you!

Sincerely,
Daniel J. Fritschie

P.S. ...And the horse you rode in on.

I'd be worried that my clients would read this, but odds are they're not tech-savvy enough for a Google search

2009-03-24T22:13:00.004-05:00

Today was one of those days where I would have blown my brains out if I wasn't so certain that everyone around me would break out the Ouija Boards to bug the shit out of me in the afterlife.

Most of my rage I attribute to quitting smoking again. Thirty-fifth time's a charm! It's not that I'm nic-fitting left and right, it's just that I find myself without my usual three-minute on-the-hour-every-hour break from the madness. Sure, I take my deep breaths and count to ten when things get a little too intense, but the fact remains that I'm still sitting at my desk, which means that I can't stop them from coming into my office.

Why, you may ask, don't I just step away from my desk and go outside like I used to and simply not smoke? Because they now follow me out there if I do. It's no longer personal time, it's I just happen to be outside time.

In the words of the immortal Lloyd Bridges, "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

Most of the problem stems from the office being short-staffed this week. One of my bosses is on vacation this week, and as much as I love proving to him when he comes back that we were able to handle everything while he was away, it's gonna be tough. Sure, we're getting shit done, but it's not gonna be up to the standards I know we're being held to in his absence. It also doesn't help that the clients we've been dealing with this week have been a wee bit prickly. It's almost as if they've become self-aware that the invisible sweater they've been knitting doesn't exist, and they're looking for something else to fixate their insanity on.

Here they are, listed anonymously:

Client A: Brought in his entire hard drive to transport his files. What's worse, is that he forgot the power cable to said hard drive, and we needed to unplug one of our computers to use the power cord, which could possibly not have been the same voltage. Even worse, he didn't have all the files we needed on that hard drive, and he was leaving for a cruise, so he couldn't get the other files for us, telling us, "You guys'll figure out something." This is like a cop asking for your ID, and you hand him your pants. Then, you piss all over the cop, claiming that they could test the DNA in the urine.

Client B: Bugged us five times a day for proofs on a project, only to tell us when it was approved to print that she wouldn't have quantities for us for another six weeks. Then, she gave us a week to design and print two jobs that were due in a week. I wanted to beat her to death with a Franklin Planner.

Client C: Wanted this woman's name listed in the project as Maddie, then changed it to Madeline, then changed it back to Maddie and approved it. After it was printed, she requested that it needs to be Madeline in all future projects.

Client D: Five rounds of revisions to a simple business card layout. Same information every time, just obsessing over the spacing of the lines of text. To test a theory of mine, the last proof was exactly the same as the previous one. It was approved, and this client went right back to repeatedly washing her hands and muttering to herself.

Client E: Disputed the capitalization of a word set in a font that doesn't contain lower-case letters. That's not a giant, Mr. Quixote, its a windmill.

Client F: Shocked and appalled that I was out to lunch at 12:05, even though they didn't call ahead to let us know that they were stopping by. I'm shakin' the bushes, boss!

Ugh... and this was only Tuesday.

Good luck getting a dime out of ME

2009-03-14T14:05:00.002-05:00

I had a nice little sphincter pucker on Wednesday. A call came through on my cell, from a number I did not recognize. A recorded voice spoke when I answered. "Please hold for an important call for (deeper, computerized voice) Daniel... Joseph... Free-chee... (back to recording) If you are... (deeper, computerized voice) Daniel... Joseph... Free-chee... (back to recording) please, press 1."

I pressed one. A man came on the line, introducing himself as a representative of the Law Firm of Lots of Important Sounding Last Names. He wanted first to confirm that I was the Daniel Fritschie he was looking for. Odds were good seeing as there are only two other Daniel Fritschies on the planet. He wanted to confirm my social security number, but I waited to see if he would start reciting the numbers first. He didn't, instead choosing to confirm my birthdate. I was the Daniel Fritschie he was looking for.

He started spouting out some legal crap about the Saturn SL2 I turned in five years ago, and he was trying to collect on the balloon payment that GMAC said that I owed them.

A little backstory: In 2003, I was leasing this Saturn, and the balloon payment was fast approaching. I had three options:

Pay the balloon payment and keep the car.
Trade the car in on a new lease.
Turn the car in and not owe the balloon payment.

I tried with all my might to get the money for the balloon payment, or at the very least, refinance it. I took extra hours at work, worked part time at other jobs, but I was still coming up short. So, I decided at the last minute to exercise option #3. The deadline for turning in the car was on a Sunday, so I dealt with GMAC on Friday, who told me I could fax in the proper paperwork, which I did.

I spent all day Saturday with a friend driving down to Little Rock to pick up the truck I was gonna borrow from my parents. On Sunday, we turned in the car to the Tulsa Saturn dealership. It was after hours at this point, so I left the vehicle there with a note explaining the situation and the confirmation number from GMAC.

A couple weeks later, I got a letter from GMAC informing me that they marked the car off as a repossession, that I still owed the balloon payment, plus repair fees, minus what it will go for at auction. A few panicked phone calls later, GMAC effectively stonewalled me. They said I had no legal recourse, and I owed them the money.

After about a year and a half, the phone calls and the letters stopped. It still sat there as a big melanoma on my credit report, but I stood firm in my refusal to pay for a car I was not driving. This past fall, the debt got written off of my credit report, and I finally qualified for a new car loan.

About this time, I started getting some last chance letters trying to collect on that balloon payment. I ignored the letters altogether. In fact, any mail that isn't a utility bill or handwritten addressed direct to me, goes right in the recycle bin.

Back to the phone call. The guy on the phone kept informing me that they are filing legal action and anything I said was being recorded and could be used as evidence against me in court. I answered his questions without admitting to any wrong doing. GMAC didn't hold up their end of the bargain, unless they could get me my old car back, then they weren't gonna see a dime from me.

The man asked if i was gainfully employed. I told him that I was employed, but not gainfully. He threatened to garnish my wages, I told him he could try. You can't get blood from a turnip, I told him.

The more he pressed, the more I had to restate that I'm not answering any more questions until I consulted an attorney. We ended our phone conversation. I started to panic a bit. Outside, on my third cigarette, I bitched about the phone call to a co-worker, and she said it sounded like a scam. I went back inside, Googled the phone number and company name, and the first thirty links were from fraud alert web sites. They were trying to scam me.

Turns out, when a bad debt gets written off, the information gets "lost", and these scammers "find" this information and attempt to collect on the debt on behalf of their "client". I also found out that no one in the legal profession can depose you over the phone, and no one announces over the phone that they are filing a lawsuit. If these guys had a leg to stand on, then I would be served with official papers.

I got another letter from them today, and I'm gonna use it to file a complaint with every agency that covers this kind of thing. And if they call me again, I'm gonna refer them to my attorney, Drew Edmondson, Oklahoma Attorney General.

I watch the Watchmen

2009-03-07T17:10:00.001-06:00

In my mind, there are four kinds of movies:

1. The kind that I'll never, ever voluntarily watch as long as I live. These kinds of movies either aren't my cup of tea from the moment they're announced or marketed, or have one or more qualities that make me want to break out in hives. If Michael Bay ever cast Larry the Cable Guy and Keanu Reeves in a buddy movie, then I'd have the perfect example of what I'm talking about.

2. The kind of film that is the baseline of mediocrity. The kind of movie that afterwards only conjures up memories of how well the theater was air conditioned... Movies that will probably only re-enter my consciousness if I get asked a trivia question about it. Good examples: Anything you'd find in the Romance section at Blockbuster.

3. The kind of film that blows me away, makes sweet love to my eyeballs and disables my ability to speak for a couple of hours afterward. Recent example: The Dark Knight.

4. The kind of movie whose quality falls about two-thirds of the way between #2 and #3. It was a good movie, but I can't shake the nagging sensation that the Director's Cut DVD is gonna absolutely rock! Good examples: Blade Runner and Lord of the Rings

Watchmen is the epitome of category #4.

I'm a late arrival to the world of Watchmen, but sooner than most people caught up in the hoopla. I finally bought and read the graphic novel last summer, after the movie was in production, but before every copy of the book was value priced at every store. I've reread it twice since then. So, yeah, my expectations were a bit high going into the theater.

And, I understand what has to happen when you translate a story from one medium to another. A lot can get lost in the transfer, but if the essence of the overall story is maintained, then I consider it a success. In that respect, Watchmen, as a film is a success. It would've fallen squarely within Category 3 (maybe) if I hadn't read the source material first.

Watchmen is different from any other superhero story in that it shows the cultural impact these characters had on the fabric of history. Superman didn't end any of our real wars. Spider-Man didn't shake hands with JFK. Batman didn't become a government spook performing shadow operations that allowed Nixon to remain in power for four terms.

It's this take on alternate history that sets Watchmen apart, above and beyond. Many have tried (cough, X-Men, Heroes...) but they've gotten so bogged down in being relative to our current political and societal landscape that they've never really had the balls to just run with it. Watchmen may take place in 1985, but it isn't the 1985 that we remember.

The movie does a pretty good job in setting up this alternate reality in the opening credits. Vignettes of events in the timeline spell out how history veered off it's familiar course. Some of them I had a problem with because they were dealt with so differently in the novel, like explaining why Dr. Manhattan didn't prevent the assassination of JFK.

Or Silhouette's being a lesbian. It's handled just a briefly in the movie as it was in the novel, and while the changes in make her out and proud in the forties and fifties is admirable by today's standards (and the flood of angry conservative responses start right about...now), in the novel she's outed by Hollis Mason's book and her and her lover's murder was so much more tragic as a result, and it's reflective of the prejudices of that time. They may have changed history, but they didn't change history that much.

Sorry, I would've put a spoiler alert on that last one, but it didn't have ANY bearing on the overall plot. Just a bone I had to pick.

Dr. Manhattan was a character that I had a clear vision of in my head, and while my own vision was vastly different than what was in the film, I wasn't disappointed. It was like having someone drive you to a place you've been to before and take a route different than what you always have. Same destination, but this way works, too.

Rorshach. Was. Spot. On. His view of justice, his twisted take on humanity, and his over-reactive nature was exactly as I hoped it would be. Every time he's on screen, the scenery is thoroughly chewed up and spat back in our faces. Definitely a contender for best movie badass of all time.

I wish I could say the same for the Comedian. His character didn't have the descent into madness that I was expecting. In the novel, he was always kind of this prick who quickly discarded any shred of idealism he may have had. In the film, he's just, well, a prick.

Many of the online Ebert wannabes I read prior to going into the movie criticized Ozymandias for being portrayed as too wooden of a character. I disagree, sorta. His character is equal parts smug egotist and misguided idealist. Throw in a butt load of cash and corporate clout... What, are you expecting that much depth here, people? He's a Bond villain with a sculpted latex suit.

I read the same criticisms about Silk Spectre II as well, but I think they missed the point there as well. This character was superhero home schooled. She resents the life that she was forced into by her mother, but doesn't know how to relate to anything else. Her character in the novel and in the film has slightly more depth than a Yahoo Personals ad.

Most of these things I bring up is merely nit-picking. This is the reason I refuse to read all of the Harry Potter books until I've seen all of the movies. I always prefer to go into the film with a blank slate instead of the equation mapped out before me. I did enjoy the film, but I know there's so much more to this that we'll only see in the wonderful world of after market DVD sales.

However, I do have one strong complaint about the film: the soundtrack. The score was awesome, but the song choices bugged the living shit out of me. It was nice that they used Dylan's "The Time They Are A' Changing" for the opening scene, but pretty much everything else was distracting on a level here-to-fore unseen in cinematic history.

The funeral scene set to Simon and Garfunkel's "Sounds of Silence", for example. Why the hell would they use a song that was so memorably used in a completely different context in the Graduate? Or, were they counting on the chance that most of Watchmen's viewers hadn't seen a movie made before 1998?

And while I commend them for not using "All Along the Watchtower" during any of the Vietnam War scenes (so cliché at this point), it dumbfounds me that they heard this song in post-production and thought it conveyed the message of "We're approaching the bad guy's fortress". Was "Carry On My Wayward Son" too pricey?!?

And I'm forever thankful that the cover of Bob Dylan's "Desolation Row" by My Chemical Romance was playing over the end credits instead of playing earlier in the film. That way I could promptly exit the theater to escape that pile of musical excrement without missing out on crucial plot points. Seriously, filmmakers... you're already gonna be selling merchandise at Hot Topic, why go that extra mile to cater to that demographic by having the suckiest emo band imaginable cover one of my favorite songs of all time?!?

But I digress...

Overall, the film works for me, and I'm sure my nitpicking will subside with time. I plan on seeing it again tomorrow with some like-minded friends (I saw it this time alone), so maybe my opinions will change sooner rather than later, but I'm pretty sure my thoughts on the soundtrack will not.

My Chemical Romance... What the hell, man! Un-freaking-believable.

Long-overdue update

2009-02-26T19:47:00.003-06:00

As I've gotten busier with everything going on, with art shows, stand-up, freelance work, and the day job... It's been tough to muster up the energy to update the blog. So, with some prodding from a regular reader (cough, Scott), I'm updating you all on the goings-on.

First of all, Personality of Cult: Episode Deux opened on January 30, and it was a greater success than last year's show. My Jaws piece took the second runner-up award, and I've been digging the prizes that came with it. A good time was had by all, even though the silent auction didn't come out as well as I had hoped. But hey, that's what comes with opening an art show during a recession and in the time of year when people are still paying off holiday debt.

I'm planning the next four art shows over the course of the next year, which is gonna go a lot smoother now that I've had two PoC shows under my belt. Next up is the MixTape art show. It follows the same basic premise as PoC, only our focus is music instead of movies. Also, All pieces are gonna be the same size as a standard album cover (12" X 12")... Easier to set up, easier to sell. We're shooting for a July opening on that one.

I'm also working on a solo show that will happen when it happens. I've been working on a new style of art, typographical caricatures, which I'm dubbing Typos. Here's a sample of one i did for PoC2, named Look Sir... Times New Roman!

In December, we'll have Personality of Cult: Special Edition, which will feature the best pieces from PoC 1 & 2. This will lead up to PoC: 3-D, which will open at the end of January.

So, lots to do...

Stand-up is going well. Tomorrow morning, I get to do a live morning show segment on Fox 23 to promote the Nightingale show this Sunday. I've got some new material written, and I'll even be emceeing the show. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Tonight was Eloté for their first night opening for dinner. Eloté catered the PoC2 opening, and It is my new favorite restaurant. I swear, they spike their food with Ecstacy. After eating there, colors seem brighter, air seems fresher, and i have an uncontrollable urge to hug everyone I come across. I've been working my way through the lunch menu for the past couple months, and now there are some new dinner entrées to work through as well. Tonight, it was the Carne Guisada. If I could marry this meal, I would.

I got to design Eloté's kids menu, which was a blast. I've always wanted to design a kids menu, with puzzles and everything. I got to hide my own name into the word search. Freelance gigs with Easter Eggs, gotta love it.

Day job has been pretty frustrating this week. It's been one of those phases wherein every job that comes across my desk comes with at least five interruptions. It's been extra frustrating given that everyone I've come across this week suddenly forgot the difference from their ass and their elbow. Oh, well, all things must pass.

I came to a decision the other night. I was looking around my house, and realized just how many things I own that I acquired from ex-girlfriends. Perhaps the time has come to get rid of these things and start from scratch. Sofa, coffee table, side tables. recliner, etc. all have a some funky juju with it. The bed should be on that list, but I may hold onto it as a matter of practicality. Who knows? Something to do in the next couple months.

Aftermath from a good night.

2009-01-18T18:27:00.004-06:00

There's a post-script to my last post, but first, a pre-script:

A couple months ago, a mixed martial arts/extreme fighting studio moved in next door to the comedy club. More importantly, they moved in to the space that shares a wall with the comedy club's showroom. Even more importantly, there is practically no soundproofing in that wall.

Now, on with the story:

After my set, I was watching the rest of the show. During my friend's set, someone next door started using the speed bag next door. And it was pretty frickin' annoying. So, in the same fashion as shushing a loud talker in a movie theater, I went next door with the intent to politely ask them to keep it down.

The conversation went like this...

ME: Excuse me, is someone in the back using a speed bag or a punching bag in the back?

THEM: Probably, why?

ME: Well, they're in the middle of a show next door and the noise is kinda disrupting the show.

THEM: (in a huff) Let me tell you something, we have to listen to your noise every night, and you don't-

And that's when I walked out. I didn't go over there to get yelled it, nor am I the kind of guy wanting to walk into a martial arts studio to pick a fight.

Notice I said "They're in the middle of a show..." and not we. I was not presenting myself as a representative of the club's management. I went over there as an annoyed member of the audience, and I kept it perfectly diplomatic, kept a civil tone and never lost my cool.

Anyway, the noise stopped. Not because I spoke up, but because they heard my friend make a comment on it from the stage about being heckled by a wall. The acting manager of the club had a word with me after I got back from next door, asking me to let them handle that stuff from now on. Which I got, but I figured they might respond better from hearing from a member of the audience rather than people they've been butting heads with since they moved in.

So, lesson learned, or so I thought.

By Saturday, I had heard through the grapevine that the comedy club owner had found out about what I did. Panic set in. How pissed was she about this? What was gonna happen to me? For the next four days, I calculated possible scenarios. No matter what, I figured I kissed my chances of ever emceeing at the club goodbye. Would I be temporarily barred from performing? Would I be permanently banned from performing or from the club altogether? I had no way of getting in touch with the owner, thus I had no way of knowing what my fate would be.

Finally, Wednesday night came, and I was still anxious about my fate. First good sign was I got let in the door. Second good sign, I found out that what I did was just one of many things that went wrong on the one night they owner was out of town. By comparison, my indiscretion was small potatoes. The owner had a talk with me, and things were OK, provided that I never do anything like it again. Again, lesson learned.

But I found out that who the owner heard from about me: the people next door. So, obviously the data was skewed in my favor from the start. But after talking to the club owner, I had a better understanding about the tensions between the comedy club and the extreme fighting dojo next door. I mean, after all, we're all training for the same purpose: to entertain people. We tell jokes, they beat each other into early onset Parkinson's Disease. Which seems oddly parallel, given some of the crowds I've performed for.

But it was the other things that went on that night that is bringing about some changes in conduct for open-mic-ers. We'll each have to sign a list of rules that, if broken, would carry consequences. Common sense stuff, mostly, but still... they wouldn't have to enact these rules if not for the people who didn't respect the rules, or the club itself for that matter.

Time for some professionalism, and now I'm on track.

A good night

2009-01-08T21:32:00.003-06:00

Last night, I had a great night at the comedy club. It could've gone downhill very easily, but my stuff killed.

I drew the fifth spot out of seven for open mic night. I drew up my set list. I was gonna try some new stuff: Revised versions of the Chinese food and Hitler jokes that I posted on New Joke Different Day, a new bit about this poor kid from New Jersey that I read about whose name happens to be Adolf Hitler Campbell, and finished it all up with my "To Catch a Predator" bit... Always a good closer.

But...

The guy that went up second, it was his first time. I felt a sense of dread as he did over a minute about Chinese food. I was about to re-do my set list before a friend told me I shouldn't. He said, "Do your joke. Fuck him. They should hear at least one funny Chinese food joke tonight." So, I felt better.

The woman who went up before me, went up and did five minutes about being the crazy cat lady. She went over by one minute, which happens from time to time, but when you get the 30 second warning light, it's a sign you should wrap things up. The flashing red "Get off the stage, now!" light, is NOT the time to say, "OK, one more before I get off." It's not any different if you're doing well and getting great laughs. "You get four minutes" means you get four fucking minutes, not five.

The fact that she did five minutes about her cat, and boring the audience in the process, made me feel better about doing my Chinese food joke, because it also involved the killing and cooking of cats. These two comics I speak of, while their material was hardly what you'd call-what's the word I'm looking for-GOOD, I owe them for a tremendous setup.

The Chinese food joke, one of my darkest, was a decent opener. The crowd could've easily turned on me, but i managed to pull it off in a manner that no one took it too seriously. It also helped that I acknowledged immediately afterward that it was a pretty sick joke. Then, I went into the Hitler joke, and I ad-libbed at the end of it, "What, did you think I was gonna get up here and do pro-Hitler material? I'm German, but I'm not that German!"

That segued perfectly into a new bit about this kid, and it was a good middle-of-the-set joke. If you read the article, you can tell that most of the material writes itself. I gotta get it on video, it's pretty good. I got the 30-second light, and the "To Catch A Predator" joke fit perfectly, as it usually takes 20-25 seconds. Perfectly timed, and I was proud of how it all came together.

I dig doing this stuff so much.

Do androids dream of fried chicken?

2009-01-04T16:17:00.002-06:00

If you listen closely, when RoboCop picks up the fridge, I swear the music playing is the "western" theme from Back to the Future Part III... Which only makes this all the more insane.

New Blog

2009-01-03T09:44:00.002-06:00

I started a new blog to collect the jokes I'll be writing each day: New Joke, Different Day. I'll still post these jokes on this blog, but only when I'm particularly proud of them.

A Joke a Day - Day 2

2009-01-02T09:28:00.001-06:00

I have this one friend who, every time we'd eat Chinese food, would make the same tired joke about how you never see stray animals near the restaurant. Then he'd make meowing and barking sounds every time I'd take a bite. For years he would do this, until one day, when his mouth was full of Pad Thai, I said, "You know what else you don't see near Chinese restaurants? Missing child posters."

20 ways to organize your James Bond DVD Collection

2009-01-02T09:26:00.001-06:00

Alphabetical.
Chronological.
Domestic box office gross (with or without adjustment for inflation).
Body count.
Estimated dollar amount of property damage throughout each film.
Order in which you first saw them.
Alphabetical by director's first name.
Cheesiness of villain's plan.
Numerology value of Bond girls' names.
Cost to license Bond's vehicle if he lived in New Mexico.
Total number of scenes in which any character is saying something smug.
Number of respectable films each Bond girl has made after appearing in a Bond film.
Plausibility of Q's gadgets (either by today's standards or the time the film was made).
Number of times the word "revenge" is uttered.
Suckiness of theme song.
Number of scenes in which you almost see a woman's nipple, divided by level of disappointment in the situation (graded on a scale from 1 to 10).
Applicability of film's name as the title of a porno (start with Octopussy and work your way down the list).
Order in which you can recite the titles without looking them up.
Number of times you've noticed each film has played on late night cable since you bought the DVD.
Random

A Joke a Day

2009-01-01T11:55:00.002-06:00

Not necessarily a new year's resolution, but an experiment I wish to attempt, to see if I could do it. I'm gonna write one joke each day for a year. Now, I can't guarantee that they'll all be funny or even make sense, but at least I'm gonna try. If I miss a day on the blog, I'll post an extra one for each day I miss. And. Here. We... Go:

1/1/09 - I believe new year's resolutions to be a little too cliché. I suggest using a different holiday for yourself to make resolutions, that way no one will ever see it coming. I, for one, will be using Arbor Day, which is fitting because I really want to stop compulsively lighting forest fires.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-28T19:13:00.002-06:00

Wednesday

Got off work at noon. Plenty of time to pack and straighten up the apartment before getting out of Dodge. Stopped by Mary's to drop off a key so they could feed Chuckles while I was away.

Went to my grandmother's house for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange. My uncle Daryl was absent, which kinda sucked because I had so many things to bug him about. The new car, the Obama sticker on the new car, the fact that I'm still smoking, etc. I was preparing myself for a verbal throwdown with him, but alas, no.

I had a great time with the extended family. My second cousin Zachary relied on me to remove his gifts from the packaging. On a side note, thank you so much, shoplifters, for making manufacturers revamp their packaging to the point that a remote control car can't be freed without a blowtorch.

After a few rounds of dominoes after presents, I continued the last leg of my journey to Little Rock and got to the folk's house around midnight.

Thursday

We got up- at the crack of 10:30, loaded up the car and headed to the step-grandparents' house for the second Christmas dinner of the season. It's been a while since I've gotten car-sick, and their steep-hillside house made the last leg of that trip all the more fun. Nice to get my bearings just to succumb to vertigo.

We had a big dinner that couldn't be beat, and went in to open presents. For some reason, my brother and his family brought my presents only to tell me that they couldn't be opened until Saturday. I at least got my Monty Python desk calendar open before being informed of this.

On the trip back, I had the foresight to take Dramamine before leaving, which assured the trip would last mere minutes for me because I passed out hard as soon as we got back to the Interstate.

Back at the folks' house, I continued my own yearly tradition of watching the least Christmas-y movie on Christmas night. Last year, it was O Brother, Where Art Thou?, this year, it was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Friday

Didn't do a damned thing. Just goofed around on the internet, watched DVDs and Hi-Def Cable.

Saturday

Stayed in my pajamas until the guests started to arrive. A quick shower and hung out with the family. We opened our presents, and the kids got quite a haul. I got some pretty awesome books, including the long-lusted-after I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski, a great book all about the Big Lebowski and it's cult following.

Dinner was great, and I filled myself stupid with one plate. In my own defense, I was snacking all day. And in lieu of antacid, I piled on some peach cobbler a la mode. Some much needed couch time soon followed.

My folks got me this wooden puzzle that frustrated the hell out of me. That is, until i had to look up the solution on the internet. the crudely drawn instructions sent me into a near murderous rage. I got it solved eventually, but got frustrated yet again trying to get the puzzle back into it's original state. Screw you, puzzle man.

Stayed up until about midnight playing online poker. Slept like a baby.

Sunday

Hung out with the family, and basked in their company until about 2:00, when I got back on the road. Should've timed it better, because the sun was in my eyes the whole way back. In retrospect, I should've moved East instead of West.

Got home and Chuckles the cat was nowhere to be found, until I noticed the hall closet door was ajar. Chuck came out and I pet him for about a half hour straight. I missed the little guy.

9 Ways to make the holidays a little more fun.

2008-12-23T21:57:00.002-06:00

1. In lieu of wrapped presents, just write everyone checks for random amounts. $12.63, $41.08, $3.79. Be sure to tell them, "Don't spend it all in one place."

2. Just before dinner, swap out the cooked turkey with a raw one that's been carefully spray painted with light brown paint to give the illusion that it is thoroughly cooked. Store the real turkey under the bed in the spare bedroom. Let everyone ponder what the hell happened for as long as possible. My personal best is three hours, twelve minutes.

3. For out-of-town friends and relatives, buy them gift cards from businesses that are not in their immediate area. I recommend EuroDisney.

4. After your presents are wrapped, coat them with about five to eight layers of high gloss polyurethane. If they want that bread machine, they'll have to work for it.

5. Before everyone else wakes up on Christmas morning, stuff all of the kid's presents into the chimney. If there's something that won't fit, take it apart and shove the pieces in haphazardly. Leave a note attached to the top gift: "Overpopulation. Tight schedule. Here ya' go, kids. Love, Santa."

6. Call everyone by their middle names. If they complain, don't be afraid to resort to shouting.

7. Cover your doorbell with pine tar, so everyone that rings it will get their finger stuck. Next year, cover the front door knocker as well. Year after that, the whole door. Year four: the front steps.

8. Spike the egg nog with No-Doz.

9. Stock up on greeting cards for other occasions and amend the messages with "Merry Christmas." The further removed from Christmas, the better. My favorites are "You're turning 40, Merry Christmas.", "Happy Arbor Day, Merry Christmas.", and "Sorry for your loss, Merry Christmas."

A Frustrated Graphic Designer's Non-Illustrated Guide to Graphic Design, Part I: Stationery Design.

2008-12-13T10:54:00.005-06:00

Having been a graphic designer for the past 13 years or so (11, if you count since graduating college), there are certain types of projects that I've found can be either a walk in the park or a frustrating mess. So, I thought I'd give everyone some insight on my thought processes on some of my biggest pet peeves in my work. And, I'm gonna do this using only my words.

Today's subject: Stationery design.

Stationery is important to every business. It is what encapsulates their identity, their message and their attitude. However, designing this stuff can be a frustrating mess. Clients can be way too picky sometimes. They focus on all the wrong details, and they have a tendency to go overboard on certain things. About the best you can do is explain to them in the kindest terms possible why this stuff won't work and hope for the best. But, here's my best advice for handling a picky client: Always show them at least three ideas...

Their idea. Listen to every little detail they say they want in their look and follow their instructions to the letter. Present their idea to them as exact to their specifications as possible, if anything to show them how much it doesn't work.
Their idea, reloaded. Use their instructions as a jumping off point and tweak things in a manner that will make it work as a functional piece. Take their turd of an idea and polish it up to a high gloss shine.
Go your own way. Take whatever specifications they have that's non-negotiable (i.e established logo design, ink colors, etc.) and start from scratch. Make the design fresh and new and most of all functional. You may come out with several cool ideas so present the best of the best of your ideas without sending the client into sensory overload.

Now, if your client doesn't have any artwork that's set in stone, like a logo or ink colors, you have a little more freedom to tweak their way of thinking. In this instance you have an even grater opportunity to really wow them. But when it comes to the layout of the stationery, keep the following in mind.

BUSINESS CARDS

Business cards should be the first thing designed. The graphics of everything else should follow what is established on the business cards. Here are my guidelines for proper layout of business cards (exceptions may apply, check with your client for more information):

Standard sizes are there for a reason. 3 1/2" X 2" is a good size to fit every bit of necessary information. Besides, most business card holders, Rolodexes and wallet card slots are already set up for this format. There's nothing wrong with making a card that's a 2" square, or 3 1/2" wide and shorter than 2", because they'll still fit in those holders. Going beyond the standard dimensions will generally frustrate someone you hand them out to because they can't store it with the others very easily, and you run the risk of the card falling out of their business card files and being lost forever.
Likewise, avoid fold-over cards. They may look cool, but any fold just doubles the thickness of the card and the client is hold fewer cards to hand out to their clients.
Keep the information to a bare minimum. Business cards shouldn't do the sales pitch for them. Basic contact information, logo and business tag line should be sufficient.
Leave plenty of room for all information. I recommend using a horizontal format rather than a vertical. Don't get your text so big that it can't handle a longer name, title, email address, etc. The card layout should be able to work for John Smith, CEO as well as Caroline Henderson-Longasshyphenatedname, Assistant to the Regional Vice President of Internet Sales - Northeast Division.
Try to keep it all on one side of the card. Not only will your printing costs be cut in half, leaving the back of the card blank will give them room to write down any additional information they'll need to give to a specific person, like an alternate number, personal email, hotel room number, etc.
Have a margin of at least 3/16". No important information should go beyond 3/16" from the edge of the card because when these cards get cut from the press sheet, the slightest error in cutting would make the whole design look lopsided.
Avoid large areas of solid color. A flood of one color may look kinda cool, but when you have large areas of color, the ink has a tendency to offset and scuff. This is particularly true of blue or red Pantone colors, which are notorious for never fully drying.
Try to avoid using foil stamping, die cutting or emboss/debossing. Foil stamping can flake, Die cutting can rip and embossing can flatten in a person's wallet, business card case, etc.

LETTERHEADS

Letterheads should follow the same graphic styles you set up for the business cards. Use the same logos, font styles and type formatting, but remember these things:

Do not design or proof a letterhead design without a sample business letter in the layout. There's no point in presenting a letterhead design to a client without showing them how they'd have to reformat their style sheets in Microsoft Word to get the information to fit.
Avoid having a ghost screen in the background. No matter how light the tint in the background, 99% of laser printer toners won't stick to where printing ink has been laid down. Plus, copying and faxing with a ghost screen can prove problematic.
Avoid die cuts, foil stamping, thermography, and emboss/debossing. Die cuts and emboss/debossing increase the risk of jamming the client's printer. Foil stamping can flake off when coming into contact with the heat of a laserjet office printer and gunk up the rollers. Thermography, a process in which clear plastic powder is applied to the printing ink while it's still wet, then run through an oven to melt and combine creating a raised surface to the letters, can also melt again, smear and gunk up laserjet office printers as well.
Avoid having graphics bleed off the edge of the sheet. This usually causes the letterhead to be printed on oversized sheets and can be more costly to print. If you must, leave one edge of the artwork without any bleeds, and at least a 1/4" of blank space for the printer to grip from in the printing process.

ENVELOPES

Once you've got the business card and letterhead designed, the envelopes should take no longer than ten minutes to lay out.

No envelope should be too intricate in it's design because nine times out of ten it'll be ripped open, it's contents removed and the envelope thrown away. The rest of the time, the envelope will be thrown away without being opened, particularly if it contains a bill or invoice.
It's always best to go to the main post office branch in your city and ask for a copy of the postal standards guidebook. They update it every year, so stay frosty. It also helps to establish a friendship with the local postal regulations officer. That way, you can email them a PDF of your artwork and they'll tell you if it passes regulations.

OFFICE FORMS

Miscellaneous office forms should only be designed after the letterhead, business cards and envelopes have been approved by the client. Simply use the same logos, type styles, and themes set up in everything else, and create the office forms to match, while at the same time, leave the backgrounds free of ghost screens to allow for clean faxing and copying.

PAPER STOCK

The choice of paper should be appropriate to the type of business you're designing for. Ideally, stationery should always be on an uncoated stock, and the finish (linen vs. smooth vs. textured) should be left up to the client's preference. My only advise in choosing the paper is not go for anything that's brand spanking new from the paper mills. Go with a paper stock that's been around for a while and is popular enough that the paper company still makes it. There's not much worse than printing one run of a client's stationery on this cool new paper, only to have that stock discontinued three months later.

As for the weight of the paper, they should all be the same finish, with the business cards on cover weight and everything else on text weight. Also, be careful to choose a paper stock that has ready-made envelopes. It's rare, but it's happened to me before, and the cost of the envelopes skyrocketed because the stock the client loved and would not deviate from had to be custom-made.

GRAPHICS STANDARDS

Once everything has been approved by the client, it's always best to review the layouts and create a set of rules for future reference by you and for the client. That way, all future print jobs will remain consistent. If one of the client's employees tries to get his business cards set up in a different style and you do NOT have graphics standards in place, then there's nothing stopping other employees from trying to get their own layouts and God help you if the business really takes off. For example, I have one client whose business has over ten different formats of business cards, all because we never agreed on a standard layout.

Join me next time, when I'll be discussing Bridal Announcements: The Tenth Level of Graphic Design Hell.

Good one, God!

2008-12-08T19:55:00.008-06:00

The Context:

Comedy Night at the Nightingale. My stand-up set, December 7, 2008. I was making a point about some of the stupid little phrases people say during political discussions. I go off on a little diatribe about invoking the opinions of the founding fathers, citing the massive generation gap as proof that the founding fathers simply wouldn't understand anything in today's culture, then launching that point towards people who invoke the name of Jesus Christ in political discourse.

The Joke:

I also find it funny when people bring Jesus into a political discussion, particularly if we're not talking about religion. Gee, I don't remember that part of the Bible that condemned the capital gains tax, but thanks for playing!

It's a little arrogant to think that Jesus cares about our politics, don't you think? I don't mean any offense to Christians by that statement, I'm just saying that the last time Jesus got involved in government, it didn't work out too well for him.

Jesus: "I'm King of the Jews!"

Romans: "Oh, really?"

[I quickly pound three imaginary nails into a cross, using the microphone as a hammer] BOOM, BOOM*, BOOM!

Romans: "See you in three days, Your Highness."

The Karmic Retribution:

Despite the fact that I practiced the microphone part of the gag many times beforehand, on the second boom, as indicated in the joke by the *, I smacked the shit out of my knuckle. The message here is pretty clear: God gave me, as we say in the stand-up business, feedback.

In other words, I was heckled by God!

The After-Effects:

See for yourself...

Now, it may not look that bad, but it still hurts like a bastard!

Further Proof:

Science would explain this that it was the metal mesh on the business end of the microphone leaving this imprint on my knuckle, but it's still kinda creepy that it sorta makes a cross.

Here's the Deal, Lord:

If, in fact, you did smite me for joking about your son, I gotta admit, it was a good one. Granted, a bolt of lightning would've been a much better closer to my set, but you're the boss! However, you gotta concede that the joke got a good laugh from the crowd.

So, here's the deal: Let me keep the joke in my act, and each time I do it on stage, I'll do...something. I'll donate to charity, I'll lay off the porn for a week, I'll do something of equal or greater value to the audience's reaction to atone for my sin. Have we got a deal?

The past week and a half

2008-12-05T21:39:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving was good. I got to hang out with the family, relax a bit and have a good time away from my usual life. I came back on Friday, and Chuckles was still alive and still had food in his bowl.

This week was spent trying to readjust to being back at work after a long weekend. Not too much work, but enough for me to sigh heavily with each new job ticket.

Wednesday night, I went up on open mic night and tried out some new material. Just my luck, I went up first again, and the new stuff got a few laughs, but probably would've done better with a slightly more inebriated audience. The feedback I got from the other comics was really helpful. They all agreed that they were those types of jokes, though good, would fit better in the middle of a long set, and wasn't strong enough to sustain a good opening or closing. Good to know for whenever I get a longer set. I'm performing this weekend, but I'm not so sure I'll try that new material again.

Today, I went for my once-weekly chicken pad thai fix. I went to Pei Wei, placed my order to go (because then I get my complimentary soft drink while I wait). In line behind me were a group of spoiled rich kids on lunch break from Holland Hall, and they were being all obnoxious, like they deserved to be at the front of the line.

Anyway, the lady finally asked me for my order, and walked away half-way through me telling her what I wanted. Turned out, she was trying to ring me up on a register without a till. Still, a "Hang on a second, sir." would've been nice, but anyway...

So, I waited for my food, and when my little restaurant pager went off, I got my food and quickly saw that they had given me chicken lo mein. I informed them of the mistake, and they said that they'd let me have the lo mein for free, and that another order of pad thai was already being prepared for another customer, so they'd fix another one for him.

When the correct order was being handed to me, one of the smug little shits who was in line behind me earlier came up to complain that his order for chicken pad thai was taking too long. I just smiled at the little fucker and walked away. Double karma: Free food for the rude treatment, and denying some rich kid of his convenience. Life is great!

Sneak Peek at Personality of Cult: Episode Deux

2008-11-25T21:36:00.002-06:00

Personality of Cult: Episode Deux is not opening until January 30, but I thought I'd give a sneak peek of one of our pieces.

The participating artists will be presenting 5" X 5" works based on their favorite (or not so favorite, in this particular case) characters from the Star Wars films. So, I present to you, one of my pieces, Gungun for Sushi.

Doctor, Doctor, give me the news...

2008-11-24T22:02:00.002-06:00

Today, I went in for my first ever physical exam. At 32, yeah, it's been overdue for a while.

the first third of the exam allowed for me to keep my clothes on, for which I was thankful because the air was on in that room and it was frickin' cold in there. My blood pressure was a little high, temperature was a little low (no doubt the room's fault), and all air passageways were clear.

Then, they asked me to strip and put on the little gown. I asked that they kill the cold air pumping into the room. Eventually, it was shut off, but for about ten minutes I waited with no area in the exam room not being in the path of one vent or another, with me in a gown that was not only open in the back, but also made of breathable cotton. That, and my affinity for loose boxer shorts made the shrinkage factor at least a seven (out of ten).

My doctor, in a strange attempt to multi-task, chose to ask me most of the general habits questions in the middle of the more intimate exams. I'm sure it was a distraction technique, but I've never been asked if I wear my seat belt regularly by anyone who's got my balls in their hand.

They drew some blood for cholesterol and diabetes tests (among others), which was a great set of results to sweat out over Thanksgiving. Not for nothing, but if there's one thing I love as much as my family, it's their liberal use of heavy cream and real butter during holiday meals. Not that it's just the holidays that I eat like that. Let's face it, when they tapped my vein, pure hollandaise sauce should've come out.

The last part was the urine sample, and I was free to go home. So, a quick lunch, some clutching a teddy bear and crying over the bad touches, and I was back to the office for a half-day of work.

I did have to fess up to a relapse on smoking, so the doctor gave me a prescription for Chantix, the new miracle cure for smoking. I still need to do some checking to see if my insurance will cover it, but I found another thing to look out for: side effects. Nausea, constipation, gas, vomiting (if all four hit at the same time, that'd be an odd sensation, almost worthy of an exorcism) Insomnia (already suffer from that), strange or unusual dreams (ditto), suicidal thoughts, taste changes, night terrors, etc. Gee, sign me up!

But if the insurance will cover it, I'll give it a whirl. Who knows, it could give me tons of new material. Or, I'd become a suicidal, sleep deprived, gastronomical freak show with a new personality. Fingers crossed.

Tokyo Gore Police

2008-11-22T14:34:00.003-06:00

Last night was Tokyo Gore Police at the Circle Cinema Midnight Movie. This is a film I had seen once before, when I viewed the screener disk in preparations for designing the poster for the show.

TGP is one of a bizarre genre of slasher film, being the Japanese slasher film. This kind of film operates on the following conceits:

The body of every slashing victim must contain at least 200 gallons of blood, and possess the same high blood pressure as the offspring of a meth-addicted hummingbird and a fire hydrant.
The editors of these films not only have chronic A.D.D., but are also impervious to epileptic seizures.
Logic, Schmogic.
Plot, Schmlot.

I'm such a noob with these films. In fact, I still feel this kind of movie is part of a really fucked up collective effort on the part of the Japanese people to get back at us on a psychological level for Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They may not have ever possessed the firepower to retaliate directly, so they're exporting their popular culture in a way that will scare us into never attacking them again.

In TGP, the story goes like this: In a not-too-distant future/alternate-timeline present day, the Tokyo police has been privatized, but the only type of crime being committed are hyper-frenetic attacks by beings know as "engineers", who can quickly regenerate any severed body parts, only the new parts somehow incorporate the weapons they were using. To put it another way, in the first scene, an engineer who was attacking the police with a chainsaw soon found his arm detached, and it grew back with it's own built-in chainsaw.

Expand and repeat that mental image to about two hours, and I give you Tokyo Gore Police. But wait, there's more! Also contained in this film are: The absolute worst-case punishment scenario for copping a feel on the subway, the worst blowjob ever shown on film, advertisements for products catering to self-mutilation, and (please try to wrap your head around this concept) a gun that shoots fists.

And it's all funny as hell. It's so over the top that it's impossible for anyone to imitate it in real life. Not that would matter, as any person who would take any of this shit remotely seriously has no doubt already shown enough warning signs of mental illness to have been locked up far away from society by now.

Obviously, it's not for everyone. But then again, this film could go the way of Two Girls One Cup, in that most people don't want to watch the movie itself, but would instead watch other people react to the film. I first questioned the idea to show this as a midnight movie, but after seeing it, it's precisely the kind of movie made for midnight. It's so fucked up, crazy and wild that it just doesn't work any other time of day.

So, strap in, have a sick bag handy just in case, unplug your brain and enjoy.

My day was boring as hell, so I'm writing about it, and to spice it up I'm acting as if I'm taking a shot of whiskey after every sentence.

2008-11-16T20:57:00.011-06:00

I got to sleep in this morning until eleven, when the cat let me know he really, really needed food. So, I got up and fed him. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. So, I checked my Facebook and my Myspace, and I could tell not much was going on with anyone else, either. Oh, well.

Then, I puttered around the house for a while. Did a couple loads of laundry. Shot rubber bands at the cat. Then, I dressed him up and called him "Suzie" for about an hour. He he...fun.

I got to thinkin' that I hadn't had a good piece of pie in, like, forever. But what place has pie on a Sunday, at least some place that I could get a pie and nothing else without looking like a total freak? Judgmental assholes.

Hang on, gotta put a burrito in the microwave. There, done. I'm trying to finish up a lot of the things in the cupboard, so I'm straining some sauerkraut for a side dish. Where was I? Aw, screw it.

I shoulda done dishes today, but I'm too lazy. What, ya' gonna judge me for that, too? Gonna be like those pie snobs at Village Inn? You're all the same. No, I love you guys. You, anonymous, faceless, internet people.

God, I miss Suzie. Not the Suzie I was pretending my cat was, but a different Suzie. THE Suzie. I haven't talked to her since that "misunderstanding", but I wonder if she thinks of me, and not in that looking over her shoulder in abject fear kinda way. But I've grown since then, don't you think? Don't you think? HEY! I'm talking to-Oh, I forgot...Internet.

I wonder if Whataburger delivers. The burrito and sauerkraut was, well, not probably not the BEST idea, but it wasn't enough. I need to get my jalapeno bacon burger on! I like the Whataburger people. They're good people. Fuck Village Inn.

I want to keep typing, but the text is too small to read. There, that's better. Hey, I can make it all blue! Kick ass. Why am I so tired? Gotta fight through that. Maybe if I focus on the intense pain in my liver right about now that should keep me awake for a whilhnuiojk.,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This post was finally published by Fritschie's next door neighbor upon discovery of his unconscious body. Nothing was edited from this post, except about five pages worth of the letter m. Paramedics are en route.

Zack and Miri Make a Quantum of Solace

2008-11-15T22:18:00.002-06:00

Zack & Miri Make a Porno

I actually saw this movie a week or so ago, but I haven't gotten around to writing a review until now. I really enjoyed it, though not up to the same level as Kevin Smith's other films (excepting maybe Jersey Girl).

Heretofore, all of Kevin Smith's movies have hit me in a time of my life where the underlying message of the film has reflected what has been happening in my own life. I first saw Clerks and Mallrats early in my adulthood where it was time for me to shit or get off the pot. Chasing Amy came out when I was madly in love with a girl who didn't really want to love me the same way. Dogma came right in the middle of a crisis of faith of my own. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, well, was a welcome distraction from a horrible breakup that happened that very afternoon. Jersey Girl was right at a time where I was remembering and coming to terms with things about my own father, who had passed many years prior. Clerks II was right at the time I was turning thirty and thinking about what I really wanted out of life.

Zack and Miri, is another matter. The film is about two lifelong friends discovering their true feelings about one another. While the film was hilarious for it's sheer raunchiness, just from repeated personal experience of falling for women who were great friends of mine beforehand, I felt myself cringing through most of the scenes. It wasn't the film's fault, nor was it Smith's, it just hit a little too close to home for me.Having experienced the reality of such situations (minus the actual filming-a-porno part), I found myself too distracted to enjoy the film as a whole. At many crucial plot points not to be divulged here, I felt like yelling "Don't do it! Don't do it!"

And while I'm glad the characters found their happily ever after, I really wanted to call bullshit on a lot of it. Maybe this is one film I'm gonna have to give some time and a change of perspective for it to win me over.

Quantum of Solace

Put aside the off-putting title and odd choice of theme song, and this is a great film. Starting off where Casino Royale left off, Quantum of Solace manages to continue the story and take it in a completely unexpected direction without it re-hashing the plot of the first film or making you feel lost if you hadn't seen the first one. In fact, my friend who hadn't seen Casino Royale loved it and wasn't confused, but that didn't stop us from making her watch it as soon as we got back to her house.

But even though the two films are parts of one larger story, they are very different in theme and structure. Casino Royale had a fourth act, which was kinda off-putting for a Bond film. Quantum is a return to the action-plot-action-plot-etc. that is a staple of the franchise, but in keeping with the momentum set by Royale, the characters are more human, deeply flawed and realistically motivated.

The bad guys could possibly exist in our world, though the secrecy of their actions would be highly improbable. In past Bond films, the villains couldn't shut the hell up about their plans, but now, they have to be beat half to death to let anything slip. Strangely enough, it's still a mirror image of the bad guys we have in real life. Back in the sixties, the real-life bad guys would never let any details slip about their dastardly deeds (ask any conspiracy theorist), but in this day and age, we seem to be surrounded with bad guys that seem to flaunt what they've done and act like they're bulletproof (cough-cough-Cheney).

Daniel Craig proves he's not just a flash-in-the-pan. He could've easily brooded his way through his second outing and it would've still been a good film. Watching him in any scene, you sense that there's something going on under all the machismo. Most Bonds of the past were either preforming the mission or going rogue. Craig has found a way to have his martini and drink it, too.

Dame Judi Dench was awesome as usual. in the Pierce Brosnan years, she played M as a tough as nails hardass to match Bond's devil-may-care attitude. But given that we're now with a James Bond who's still not quite the James-Fucking-Bond we were used to before Casino Royale, Dench plays the character a little deeper. She's still a hardass, but it's more in the strict mother/teacher kind of way. She rides Bond's ass hard at his mistakes, as she should, but now it's with a "What did you learn?" vibe. You get a sense that she knows the kind of spy Bond could one day become, but won't give him an inch until he proves he's worthy.

I'm glad they set up the idea of a new, super-secretive conspiracy. That's what gives Quantum it's best moments, in my opinion. Given that the producers have effectively rebooted the franchise, I feel it would've been a huge mistake to try to reboot SPECTRE (the evil organization from past Bond films) as well. This new super-villain group, which is partly the reason for the odd title, could have some mileage for several more films if the filmmakers play their cards right.

Director Marc Forster never ceases to amaze me. Looking at his previous films (Monster's Ball, Finding Neverland, Stranger than Fiction, The Kite Runner) he never does the same thing twice. When it comes to subject matter, he's managed to outdo Stanley Kubrick in the variance of subject matter, but unlike Kubrick, he's not only proven himself much more prolific at it, but also garnered a reputation of "Really? He directed that movie, too? No way!" How that will play out over the rest of his career, who knows? But it'll be interesting to see what he does next.

I've tried to avoid talking about too many plot points, but there are some truly inspired parts in Quantum of Solace. The main title sequence is vastly different that those we've seen in the past, forgiving the fact that the theme song will still need to grow on me. Fans of Goldfinger will love the modern twist on a classic image from that film. There's a wonderfully crafted scene that takes place during a performance of Puccini's Tosca. Plus, remember the torture scene in Casino Royale that made every guy squirm with sympathetic pain? Well, there's a shot in this movie that ensures that I won't be able to see an emergency fire ax the same way again.

Post-election Observations

2008-11-10T21:32:00.003-06:00

This has been one weird week. I'm still overjoyed by the news of Obama's victory, but I'm being met in many circles with so much negativity and downright vitriol from right wingers around me. It seems Newton's Third law applies to politics as well as it does to physics: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

I live in Oklahoma, one of the only truly red states in the nation. McCain carried our state, and by a wide margin. Hell, we may have been the only state that went red in every frickin' county! And being a devout Democrat in a state like this is like walking into high school gym class in a tutu... You're just asking for trouble.

And I hate that I let this shit bother me for a second. People that I know that are getting into this with me is one thing. Most of them know they'll get a rise out of me, and I don't hold a grudge if they drive me to that. But now, I'm having total strangers do this shit. While I admire the strength of their convictions, and respect their right to express it, it just unnerves me the bullshit they bought into. For instance:

1) Don't you think that if there was the slightest shred of proof that Barack Obama was NOT born in this country that someone would've been able to prove it by now, not just because he got elected, but maybe during the 21 months since he announced his candidacy? When arguing this point with this one guy, I brought up that I could say McCain's having been born on a military base in Panama is just as questionable, but I don't stress this subject because I lack the evidence to prove a negative. Likewise, I couldn't prove the guy I was arguing with was not an asshole.

2) I find it particularly amazing how people can accuse Obama of secretly being a Muslim and mention Rev. Jeremiah Wright in the same sentence. Or, when someone called him an elitist then bestowed the virtues of John McCain, a man who dumped his disabled wife for a sugar momma and currently owns 7-12 houses?

3) Many of the points that get brought up just boggle my mind. They constantly bitch about Obama's stance on health care, taxes, Iraq, Osama bin Laden, etc. without actually knowing what those clearly stated stances actually are! It's as if they put their televisions on mute whenever Obama spoke or put on headphones when someone like me tries to inform them of the reality of the situation.

4) Tonight, I got this message on Myspace from someone I do not know:

I'm a right wing conservative republican who "clings to my guns and religion". I'm 24 and for some reason i've hit a wall in life and I don't feel as though i'm being challenged enough, you seem to be my exact opposite...want to be friends?

Are you fucking kidding me? Was the Democrats' victories last week so devastating that right-wingers are turning into Tyler Durden from Fight Club? You want me to hit you as hard as I can?

And I don't say this with any desire to fight anyone over these points, but have things gotten that boring at the eight-year Sean Hannity/Rush Limbaugh/William Kristol circle jerk that they feel the need to seek us out to gratify their conversational bloodlust? I would ask them if this was the best idea they had after two million years of evolution, but that would probably open a different can of worms altogether.

All of this raises some really big questions, in my opinion. Like, is our nation ready for a President that can formulate a sentence without a teleprompter? Are we ready for someone that will actually listen to the will of the people and uphold the laws of our land instead of shooting first and later convincing us it was the right idea?

And I'm sure by writing this I just opened up a whole new palette load of abuse from the very people I'm sick of hearing this shit from, but I had to get this off my chest. My one wish for people to work together on swallowing this shit sandwich our current president has served us, so that we can finally move on to the dessert course. I'm not saying we have to agree on everything, but we don't have to constantly fight about it, either.

That being said, the next person who asks me if I'd like more of the Obama Kool-Aid is getting a flag pin in the jugular vein.

One final, albeit scary, thought. Last weekend was the big Gun and Knife show here in Tulsa, and according to news reports, the sales were through the roof! Most of the people at this show were snatching up guns left and right in preparation for a possible ban on such weapons by the Obama Administration. However, some of that crowd I saw coming out of the QuikTrip Center had a weird determination in their eyes that looked as if they were planning something that might involve a manifesto of some sort. To any of those people, please, calm down. Count to ten.

However, I prefer to think any actions done by these people will be done in a defensive manner rather than offensive... Fingers crossed. If I'm right on this, I'm perfectly fine with what they're doing. They can go spend the next four years living off the grid, in the woods, drinking their own urine and watching Red Dawn on a perpetual loop. Fine by me. The rest of us will be in the real world advancing our society.

And to those of us doing the advancing: If you hear anyone on the mountain yelling, "WOLVERINES!!!!", we should strongly consider running like hell.

My new favorie online addictions

2008-11-08T11:42:00.002-06:00

Get Your War On, new episode every Friday on 23/6

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Past episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on Hulu:

Simon's Cat:

Hate by Numbers on Cracked:

Wal-Mart Makes The Worst Movie of All-Time -- powered by Cracked.com

YES, WE FUCKING DID!

2008-11-04T23:50:00.002-06:00

To paraphrase Bill Hicks, it feels like all the artists of this country have been shooting darts at the big elephant for years. The elephant is now dead.

As a born and raised, dyed in the wool liberal, tonight I experienced a joy that i could never have imagined. I literally dropped to my knees and started crying the moment it was called for our new President, Barack Obama.

It's been a long time coming, after years of our party's ideals being dragged through the mud by radical ideologues, and making us feel that our dreams for this nation might have slipped away forever. Tonight, I felt...for the first time in years...that there was a chance that a brighter day was finally here.

I hate to illiterate or hyperbolate this into a catchphrase any more than it already has, but it's fucking true. After years of being told "no", finally there's a shimmer of brightness on the horizon. The ring has been cast into the fires of Mount Doom, and the new age has reached its dawn.

I couldn't be happier, and I'm so happy to have spent this evening with my greatest friends.

Update

2008-11-03T19:58:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow, I'm getting up early to get in line to vote. Not that I'm worried that the line will be around the block, but I'm making the effort regardless. And please note that getting myself out of bed before 7:30 on a week day means a lot.

I'm sitting here doing some research on the smaller items on the ballot... Don't want to wind up picking the wrong county judge or bond issue. Tulsa's pretty fucked up as it is, governmentally speaking, and I'd rather not contribute to the clusterfuck.

I'm also cleaning up the house, because my place has been chosen for my friends' election watch party. The deciding factor? I'm the only one with cable TV!

This weekend, I had three stand-up shows, and I did pretty damned good, in my own humble opinion. I was thankful to have this many sows right before the election. I figure this may be the last time to use that material. Most of it can't be tweaked no matter what the outcome is. I should have video online soon.

Other than that, not much else to report. Everything seems to be a work in progress and there's not much to report on yet.

Quick election poll WTF

2008-10-25T20:15:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, a friend pointed this article out to me. What I found absolutely hilarious was this information:

94 percent plan to go to the polls next month.
82 percent are extremely likely to vote.

So, are the other 12% just gonna go there and hang out? Mooch all the free coffee and donuts from the volunteers? More abstractly, is there the possibility one person will be so completely ignorant of the electoral process that they'll throw back the curtain on the booth and complain that it won't flush? Just imagine all the volunteers gaping in horror at the urine-soaked and short circuiting polling machine. Yuckiest. Recount. Ever.

Take off all that make-up, you look like an attention whore.

2008-10-25T01:02:00.004-05:00

HA!!! I first read about this story this morning, long before she fessed up. A McCain volunteer claiming to be attacked, robbed and sexually assaulted by someone rooting for Obama. From the start, I smelled bullshit. I wasn't 100% sure, but I had the following suspicions:

1. In the history of humankind, when has there ever been a politically-motivated ATM mugging?

2. Even if the attacker was using a Gerber spoon, during the kind of attack she described in the police report, I marveled at his ability to not break the skin. That was a steady hand for a guy pumping adrenalin.

3. An attacker articulate enough to tell his victim "You will be a Barack Obama supporter." is apparently not intelligent to wrote the B the right way. On the other hand, maybe he screwed up, and human skin isn't the most forgiving medium.

4. No swelling, no bloodshot eye, no redness around the way-too-dark-too-soon bruise. Who'd she get to do her make-up, An emo noob?

5. The story first broke on the Drudge Report, and the photo was first posted on an anti-Obama website. It's as if Christmas came early for the wingnuts and hours later turned into April Fool's Day. When it came out as a hoax, no retractions. Drudge (which is the most apt name for the bottom-feeding hack that he is) just moved it down from the banner headline and the blog deleted the post altogether (which hasn't stopped people from flooding them with comments).

6. If you ever decide to fake an attack, shouldn't you come up with a crime scene that doesn't have constant video surveillance? I mean, an ATM? What part of this part of your story did you not think was gonna come back and bite you on the ass?

7. At least the fake mugger kept his message simple. I would've called bullshit far sooner if the guy itemized the issues during the attack. "This is for McCain's support of Big Oil! This is for wanting to raise my taxes! Here's what I think of your fucking $5,000 heath care voucher!"

8. One comment on the now-deleted blog post the picture originated from stated that the mugger might have suffered from "Mirror Vision", which supposedly means that the mugger wrote it backwards because he see things backwards. Well, if he saw things backwards, wouldn't he write the B the same way he always sees it, which is the same way we all write it? Likewise, the color I perceive to be blue may actually appear to you as what I would call red, but we both acknowledge it as the color blue. It's a basic principle of perception I have discussed with many people many times before, granted while immensely stoned.

While I'm on basic principles of perception, Might I remind people of ongoing case of the Court of Public Opinion vs. Mob Mentality? You see, upon hearing of such an attack people on both sides get fired up, offensively and defensively. And regardless of when the hoax is revealed, both sides are gonna still want someone's head on a platter and they'll settle for anyone.

Most people who were on this woman's side in the beginning are now split into two groups: those condemning her actions and calling for her head, and those using the exposure of the hoax as an example of the liberal media elite trying to bring a good woman down with their pesky facts and logical reasoning. And on the opposite side of the spectrum, we've got the people who cried bullshit in the beginning reveling in being right all along, and the ultra-defensive people crying conspiracy from McCain and Palin directly.

I, for one, called bullshit for one reason: It was a flimsy story with multiple plot holes that would've had a hard time making it past the table read for a 70's Mexican soap opera. This was an attempt at manipulation conceived, conducted and ultimately botched by a total idiot who is now being brought up on charges as a result. End of story.

And I'll leave you with this:

Hey, you know all those real issues that the McCain campaign wished you wouldn't think about? Well, distraction accomplished. At least until Monday.

UPDATE: A eighth-assed attempt at a backpedal has been posted at the blog that started it all.

My first stand-up video

2008-10-20T22:25:00.003-05:00

I've got one more I'm editing down and I'll post it when I get it done. For now, enjoy!

Not to crap in my own punch bowl, but they weren't lying about the camera adding ten pounds.

Life Lessons Learned from My DVD Collection

2008-10-19T11:30:00.004-05:00

Freeing animals from the zoo is always a good "Plan B".
Never put the pussy on a pedestal.
It's never too late to get it all back.
When in space, never piss in someone else's relief tube.
Talent agents will book any act involving family.
Never agree to write a screenplay about something you have no knowledge about, regardless of the guy next door knowing everything about it.
Theatricality can be a powerful weapon.
If you meet a hot chick on a train through Europe, don't act like it's the only night you'll have together, because you may run into her years later.
Don't knock rationalizations.
It's quite an experience to live in fear...that's what it is to be a slave.
Cash, every movie costs $2,184.
Never piss off a Scotsman.
You really can't do anything in this world without the proper forms.
You don't play your cards, you play the person sitting across from you.
It's not who you love, it's how.
Ordering your coffee black can save your life.
Don't blame for one and fuck the other.
When booking a donkey show, get all of the details.
When you run out of craft supplies, ransack you and your neighbors' yards.
All things considered, the simplest solution tends to be the best one.
When the government shuts you down, find another theater.
You can't handle an hour long drum solo on strong acid.
When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?
Even if you've been to two state fairs and a rodeo, there's always something stupider.
Ideas are better than beliefs.
When teaching a hot alien chick about our culture, it's best to skip past the part about war.
With enough soap, one can blow up just about anything.
There are three things that you need in life: Respect for all forms of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
If someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!
Jackie Wilson could even get the most stoic chick to move her feet.
If you win the crowd, you win your freedom.
Never show a mobster your prized racing horse.
Never go fishing with a mid-level mob enforcer.
If anyone makes you do the Truffle Shuffle prior to entering their yard, just jump the fence and punch them in the teeth.
On rare occasions, it's OK to let the seven-foot-tall black man grab your crotch.
Twelve years is apparently a long time for a rat to be alive.
No woman in the history of the owlrd is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian in my head.
A notepad in your pocket can save your life.
There's someone out there for everyone, even if you need a compass, a pickaxe and night goggles to find them.
Never mouth off to a wizard.
If you must toss a dwarf, let him bring it up, and the elf must never know.
Check for a pulse before you set your son's body on fire.
Memory is unreliable.
The future is not set. You can choose.
Scary monsters don't have plaque.
Life's like a move, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.
If you do not master your rage, your rage will become your master.
The house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.
When speaking in code, never quote Kashmir.
The code is more like guidelines than actual rules.
Elegance is key. When faced with a choice between a hammer, a chainsaw and a samurai sword, go with the sword.
You gotta get the Dip-Tet.
When faking stomach cancer, don't order out for burgers.
When your helmet deflects a bullet, don't take it off to inspect it.
In case the dead rise from the grave, go to the bar.
You can't kill a pig if he's wearing people clothes.
If you have the right script, people will focus more on Mickey Rourke than of a naked Carla Cugino.
When a guy with no head comes at you with a sword, don't accept his challenge.
Blame Canada.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Never hard-wire anything to your spine.
Why believe in a mystical power when it's just bacteria in your blood.
Never bet against the two-foot tall green guy.
When you start your saga with the fourth part, at least try to tie up some loose ends in episodes one and two instead of the last thirty minutes of episode three.
Greedo never shot first.
Every woman chuckles a little when Yoda says "Size matters not."
Even the mightiest empire can be crushed my muppets.
One man's mundane and desperate existence is another man's Technicolor.
Putting on glasses and changing your hair part is a perfectly legit disguise.
Arec Barrwin is worthress.
Snarky comments and cool gadgets are better weapons than theatricality.
I'm not saying that you don't know what you're talking about, but I don't know what you're talking about.
The trunk 1966 maroon Ford Galaxie 500 holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.

Busy, blech, bomb, better

2008-10-11T21:08:00.002-05:00

Another long gap in posts, but I've got a good excuse this time. the past two weeks have been a mix of being busy, being sick and being without a computer at home.

At work, I've had a steady stream of projects with only one thing in common, they've all sat on the clients' desks until the last possible minute. So, I've had the pain of having to work my ass of without the benefit of overtime.

Work was starting to lighten up on Wednesday, just in time for me to start feeling sick. Sore throat, fever, and that overall shitty feeling made me stay at home on Wednesday night and almost call on sick on Thursday. I probably should have considering that my illness and nearly incapacitating cold medicine didn't keep my boss from yelling at me during the morning meeting.

That worked wonders, by the way. Nothing draws one's mind off being sick more than being extremely pissed off. It's the distraction principle. It's the same reason your headache goes away as soon as someone sticks your hand in blender and hits "Puree". But I got through it.

This past Tuesday, the motherboard on the laptop fried on me. The Lappy II is dead. Long live the Lappy II. just as I was trying to burn an important file to disk. So, on Friday, I had the guys at MegaWatts transfer the hard drive contents over to a used G4 tower they had in stock. And, whomever set up the system on that thing screwed something up, because i had to burn backups of all my files and reformat the hard drive.

I've got it all set up now, and it rocks. This is my inaugural blog post on Buford I. It's not too powerful, but it's got room to expand, which is a lot more than I could say for the Lappy. But it serves its purpose.

Political Cures That May Be Worse Than the Disease Vol. 10 - Debates

2008-10-04T10:16:00.003-05:00

It's so strange that the two debates we've had so far (the first presidential and the only vice-presidential) have had such high ratings, but so low on honest tactics and even lower on excitement. So, I've devised a few ideas to make the debates a little more truthful, and a little more fun. Introducing:

THE FRITSCHIE RULES OF POLITICAL DEBATE

1. TIME LIMITS: With each new topic, the first candidate to speak has 90 seconds, then the other candidate has 90 seconds to respond, then back to the first candidate for a one minute response, then back to the second candidate for a rebuttal. This time will be marked in the same fashion as the shot clock at a basketball game. A large timer will count down the time, and when time runs out, a loud buzzer will go off. Any attempt to finish up your point after the buzzer has gone off will be moot... And mute, for that matter because their microphone will be cut.

2. FACTS: The entire audience will consist of fact-checkers, furiously Googling what the candidates are saying. Each audience member will have a button to press if the candidate is factually wrong. If more than twenty audience members find the candidate is lying and hit this button, the speaker will receive a tiny shock akin to a static shock from a carpet. However, the more people who hit the button (i.e. the more obvious the lie) the higher the voltage. Audience members will have to be screened in the off chance that they'll shock the candidates just for the hell of it.

3. SOUND BITES: A nationwide poll will be taken to determine the ten most annoying buzzwords used repeatedly by each candidate during the campaign. A second moderator, named "The Enforcer" will stand on stage between the two candidates and when a candidate utters one of the ten buzzwords, said candidate will be shot in the kneecap with a .22 caliber short round. There really is only one man who could fill the position of The Enforcer: Samuel L. Jackson..."SAY 'MAVERICK' ONE MORE TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

4. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND DEBATE: The lighting on stage will be fairly dimmer than what we normally see in televised debate, for good reason. Any candidate who attempts to use God to defend their position on any subject will have the lights turned up double on them. This is done to single out the "God Candidate" for our more simple minded populace, as well as to increase the chance for flop sweat and discomfort for the candidate and the viewing pleasure of voters with more than half a brain. Hell, the average Republican candidate would suffer third-degree burns from all the stage lights turned on them at once. There's your fucking tanning bed, Sarah Palin!*

5. EFFECTIVE USE OF HIGH DEFINITION: The broadcast of each debate will be done in a fashion to present each candidate in the most honest fashion as possible. Through use of high definition television and the split screen, the candidates will only be shown from the neck up, and with minimal make-up. This will allow the television audience the chance to see every facial twitch, every involuntary dilation of the pupil, every blush. With integrated internet links, we can also show each candidate's blood pressure, heart rate and temperature, making it much more fun if they get shocked by the audience, shot by The Enforcer or suddenly got hit by twice as many lights.

* Mad props to Mom for the tanning joke.

What I've been up to

2008-10-03T23:26:00.003-05:00

One thought I've had repeating through my head is how I need to devote more time to my blog again. I've been a real slacker over the past few months. This used to be what I did to unload all the shit in my head. Either I'm so damn busy lately or I'm channeling a lot of that need to vent into my stand-up routines, but I feel bad that I'm only doing this once a week.

Since my last post, I've been swamped with work and various other projects, and I guess I'll go one by one:

THE MSG ALLERGY

The comedy club owners just kinda shrugged at the news of my allergy. I guess it's just agreed that not everyone will have the same reaction to the cheese sauce, and no one else has complained about it, so stay the course.

MY BAD LUCK WITH THE GAS COMPANY

On Sunday night, I went into the office to clean out our processor. When I arrived, the flood lights next door were on, as they usually are from dusk to dawn. But when I came out an hour later, the lights were off, there was a loud hissing sound, and the smell of gas in the air. Turns out that while I was inside, someone had rammed into the gas meter and took off. So, I called it into the gas company.

Yep, one week after dealing with my neighbor getting my gas shut off because of a leak, I'm calling ina a leak to my neighbor at the office. Poetic, isn't it?

POLITICS

After watching the two debates, I'll be posting another of my "Political cures that may be worse than the disease" this weekend. That being said, with everything that's happening with the economy and the bailout, it's gonna be satisfying to watch McCain go in to full meltdown mode in the coming weeks, and see Palin with that blank smile on her face wondering if this is normal.

WORK

One minor frustration after another. Moving on.

THE STATE FAIR

Fuck that. I can deep-fry things at home for a lot cheaper.

STAND-UP

Went up Wednesday night at the club and did really well. I'm going up at the Nightingale this Sunday. My first ten-minute set. Should be fun.

OVERALL MOOD

I'm starting to feel that itch to change some things in my life, particularly in the romance department. I'm mostly getting tired of being living proof that nice guys always finish last. For years, I've been the go-to guy for advice to help women understand the jerks in their lives. As if I can relate to that mindset in any way, shape or form. It's just something that's really starting to irk the living shit out of me.

I mean, you wouldn't go to a restaurant, order a hamburger, then complain non-stop that it's not a steak, right? Even if a steak is readily available there?

I guess I'm just tired of dealing with women asking why can't they have this and that, and all they respond to is what they want to hear, but meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking, "I got that, that too, etc."

Fat lip

2008-09-25T18:06:00.002-05:00

Today, a man didn't get his car towed because weeks ago a comedy club bought several cans of chili and nacho cheese sauce.

Confused? I can explain.

Last night, I ordered dinner at the comedy club. Chili cheese fries. Wanna know something you never hear someone say after eating chili cheese fries? "That was a good decision I just made!"

Fifteen minutes after finishing my meal, I began to feel an odd sensation in the middle of my upper lip. It felt like a mosquito bite, only without the itching pain. It was a tightness in the tissue and some slight swelling. Over the course of the next hour, the swelling spread to my entire upper lip.

My friends and I went out for ice cream, and it helped with the swelling. I went home and went to bed. In the morning, I woke up, the swelling had not gone down. In fact, it was three times its normal size.

When I got to work, I called the clinic to set up an appointment. They fit me in right away, seeing as it was a possible allergic reaction situation. It was determined that it was the massive amounts of MSG in the canned chili and cheese sauce that my lip was reacting to. So, some allergy pills and I was good to go. Lip back to normal size.

When I got home, I rummaged through the cupboard and bagged up all of the foods I had with MSG in it. I decided not to throw the food away, but rather give it to a friend of mine, you know, a friend who won't swell up if they eat it. I pulled up to the house, which was a couple blocks away from the State Fair, and the car parked out front was about to be towed away for parking on the street. I asked my friend if she knew who's car it was and it turned out to be her brother's.

So there. A simple order of chili and cheese sauce leads to a car not being towed. Not exactly the best example of a the-world-is-all-connected zen exercise, but hey...

Not the Heroes I was expecting, but OK...

2008-09-22T22:39:00.003-05:00

Quick update on my life: The gas is back on, I love hot water, and everything else is going swimmingly. Now, on with more pressing matters...

NOTE: Do not read the rest of this post unless you have seen the season premiere of Heroes. Spoilers ahead.

Okay, just so I have this straight...

Future Peter shot Nathan, trapped Present Peter in some fat guy, marooned Parkman in the Sahara, and hung around to see things go completely apeshit. Nathan believes he's now an angel, in a character arc that could get really annoying really fast. Parkman thinks he can communicate with a turtle, but it turns out to be an African version of Isaac from season one.

Mohinder discovers the source of the mutant powers in the adrenal gland, makes one syringe of instant hero juice, and has a crisis of conscience. He must choose between testing the formula on himself, or dumping one more syringe in the East River (never mind the fact that the needle could've hit a fish and we would've had a giant, flying, psychic, super-strong, teleporting, rapid-healing mackerel on our hands). So, he injects the formula into his own arm, and now he's Jeff Goldblum from The Fly...drinking sugary drinks by the gallon, climbing walls and setting a world record for fastest seduction/stripping of a fully clothed female character in network television history.

Nikki/Jessica is now Icewoman and has a new personality. No word yet on what happened to her son, who was last seen in New Orleans watching a building burn with her inside it.

Hiro is now a multimillionaire with one job to do: to protect half of a complex formula, which is promptly stolen by a woman whose mixture of unbelievably cute and ethically questionable leads me to wonder if I might have dated her in the past.

Sylar can now heal, having stolen (or co-opted) the power from Claire, in a creepy scene where she's wide awake with her skull cap off. She asks him if he's gonna eat her brain, and his disgusted response instantly kills at least half of the internet chatter about his character. Apparently his method of stealing powers is about as complex as removing a wrenched ankle in a game of Operation. He puts her skull cap back in place and leaves with a file folder containing profiles of the prisoners of "Level 5"

Level 5 is where they put the worst of the worst, and also Noah Bennett because apparently Levels 1-4 didn't have a bed open. So, Sylar strolls right in like it's the Sharper Image of superpowers, kills and steals Bob's midas touch...I'm guessing because his master plan for ruling the world somehow involves upsetting the gold standard.

And Sylar's attempt to crack open Elle's skull resulted in the metaphysical equivalent of plugging an American appliance in a European outlet. This shorted the whole grid and the Level 5 prisoners escaped, including, but not limited to the firestarter, creepy black guy whose powers are supposed to be threatening for some reason, fat guy/Present Peter, and The German...which why is it always that the evil magnetic guy in these stories has to be German? What the fuck did we Germans ever do...oh, nevermind.

Oh, and somehow Nathan's wounds were healed by a figment of his imagination, and Mama Patrelli is Sylar's mother as well.

Which begs the question: Did the writing staff mainline speedballs for a solid week, watching every episode of Lost before they mapped out this season? Let's just really screw with people's ideas of these well-established characters and spend the rest of the season trying to explain it.

In the end, I'll just say that I'm not disappointed, just a little confused. They needed to take this shit in a different direction. Hell, Heroes may be the one show that benefited from the writer's strike. It forced the producers to pull the car into a motel for the night, get rested up and hit the road refreshed in the morning. The only problem is they had a quintuple espresso before getting back behind the wheel, and claim they know a shortcut through the cornfield. There's no way out of it. I'm along for the ride and all I can do is buckle up and pray they find paved road soon.

Out of gas

2008-09-13T21:43:00.002-05:00

It's not like I was sitting around the house thinking, "Gee, it's been nearly nine months since I've had a paid service or utility shut off at my place due to situations beyond my control." It's not like I've been taking natural gas for granted. It's not like I did anything to piss off my neighbor. In fact, I never even met her.

But, despite all this, I'm on day four without gas.

Yesterday morning, I had a unwelcome yet effective snap to consciousness when I stepped into my shower for what I assumed was my usual perfect calibration of the water knobs (full blast of hot, quarter turn of cold). In reality, it was ice fucking cold.

I had little choice but to continue the cold shower and wash up. Once out of the shower, dried off and fully dressed, I scrambled around the apartment to find my latest gas bill to make sure I didn't miss a cutoff notice. The most recent one I could find was from last month, which did have a notice, but I could've sworn I had paid it off. I took the bill with me and decided to call the service hotline when I got to work.

I stepped outside and on my way to the car, I saw a slip of paper on the sidewalk with the Oklahoma Natural Gas logo on it. Upon closer inspection, it also had my address on it. It also had Wednesday's date on it. Apparently, I had enough hot water in the tank to let Thursday go by unnoticed.

At work, I called the gas company and checked on the outage. As it turns out, my neighbor had smelled something funny and reported a gas leak. They said the way the lines went through the building that it was possible for my pipes to be the cause of the leak into the other apartment. So, I got shut off, too. They told me to talk to my landlord about when the plumber will be by.

So, I called the landlord. She knew nothing about anything regarding a gas leak. Ooookaaaaayyyy.... The landlord promises to call me back when she knows more.

This morning, another cold shower. I get a call from the landlord and the story gets weirder. Not only did my neighbor detect a gas leak, and not inform me of the problem that could've KILLED ME (!!!), then had the gas comany shut off my service... But she also moved out and skipped out on her lease. According to the landlord, all that remains in the apartment was her couch.

I also couldn't help but notice that the light bulbs in the hallway are missing.

The plumber won't be by until Monday afternoon. Looks like it's microwave meals and questionable hygiene for a couple more days, and I have no one to yell at for the screw-up.

Blade Runner

2008-09-01T10:53:00.002-05:00

This weekend was the midnight movie I've been waiting for: Blade Runner. Easily my favorite movie of all time, having watched it at least one or twice a month for nearly twelve years now. And all that time, I had never seen it on the big screen, until now.

My first exposure to Blade Runner was in college, watching a bootleg copy of the theatrical cut at a friend's house. I was blown away by the visuals of the film, but was turned off by the boring as hell voiceover narration throughout the film. When my friend moved away, he sold me the tape for a dollar, and somewhere along the way, it disappeared.

I didn't see it again for nearly a year later, when I was fresh out of college. I was in my first apartment, sans cable TV, and I found a VHS copy of the director's cut at Vintage Stock for five bucks. Good deal, figured it was worth another viewing. Lo and behold, no fucking narration! This film now officially kicks ass!

I wore down that videotape shortly before I upgraded to DVD. It was supposed to be the first DVD I purchased, but the store that i bought the player from was out of stock of the movie. So, Blade Runner wound up being the third DVD I ever owned. I never lent it out, so when it turned up missing, I suspected theft. But fortunately I found a replacement copy at the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. The thing I remember about this purchase was that Son-In-Law starring Pauly Shore was right next to it in the bin, and was selling for a dollar more... Further proof that Wal-Mart is pure evil, when they think that Pauly Shore is more bankable than Blade Runner.

This past fall, with the release of the Final Cut on DVD, marked the fifth and hopefully final time I need to buy this movie, short of when I eventually upgrade to Blu-Ray. I got the four-disc edition, simply because they were sold out of the five-disc edition. No biggie. The four-disc, from what I can tell, has everything but the kitchen sink, which leads me to believe that the fifth disk is, in fact, a kitchen sink.

The Final Cut, in essence, is what every special director's cut should be. It's not a George Lucas hey-see-what-I-did-on-my-computer? redux/abomination. Nor is it a David Lynch you're-gonna-watch-every-frame-we-filmed-Goddamnit edit. It isn't even a Steven Spielberg how-did-this-movie-wind-up-being-shorter-than-I-remember? special edition. No, Blade Runner: The Final Cut was a light touch. Fixing a continuity error here, airbrushing out a stunt wire there, and, of course, adding the go-go dancers wearing hockey masks. They still left in one big continuity error in my opinion, but if you don't notice, I won't talk about it.

When it came time to design the poster for the midnight movie at the Circle Cinema, I took my time, spending close to 26 hours doing the illustrations, with Blade Runner playing in the other room while I worked. Once the artwork was done, I put the movie away for a while, vowing not to watch it again until I see it one the big screen. That was two months ago.

The movie played both Friday and Saturday night, and I was first in line both times. I saw it Friday with about seven of my friends, with a couple of them having never seen it before, so afterwards I had to answer some questions. Saturday, I saw it with Tony and Jenny, who are two of my favorite midnight movie buddies. They not only forgive me for completely geeking out over these things, but often join me in the geekness.

Every time I see this movie, I spot something new. I don't know if ti's poor memory retention, short attention span, or if the film truly is that richly detailed, but there's always one little thing that I discover each time. Seeing it on the big screen, with theater sound, I noticed quite a lot. Little bits of dialog that sounded drowned out on my TV came through loud and clear. And for the first time in my life, I realized that I need to upgrade to HD, because I saw things on the big screen that I would never had noticed on my crappy TV.

There's just something about seeing your favorite movie on the big screen for the first time. It made my Twizzlers taste sweeter, the Cherry Coke a little fizzier, the seat a little more comfortable. My life is richer having experienced this.

Fritschie, now available in healthy!

2008-08-31T23:06:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted in a while, and the main reason for that is because I quit smoking. And, until I got used to the idea of not having a cigarette in my hand at any given moment, i had to detach myself from certain activities that lent themselves to the activity of chain-smoking, such as sitting at my computer for hours on end and goofing off on the internet. Hell, the average blog post wasted away at least a quarter of a pack of Camels. Little by little, I'm re-introducing those activities back into my life, always careful not to give into the temptation to run around the corner to QuikTrip for a fresh pack.

I've also adopted some new philosophies in my life, namely the idea that anything is bugging the living crap out of me at any given moment should be purged as quickly as possible... within reason, of course. Case in point, I cut off my long hair. I did that last Thursday. I went right up to the counter at the barber shop, looked the lady right in the eye, pointed at my hair and said, "Make this go bye-bye."

Her response, "Did your girlfriend put you up to this?" And her face kinda lit up when I told her I didn't have a girlfriend. But, I didn't take it any further than the haircut.

Another reason for not posting was that I didn't want to bore your guys with constant bitching about wanting a cigarette, which I firmly believe is why all of my previous attempts have failed.

In case you were wondering, here's a progress update: Doing great. It's been nearly two weeks on the patch, with Altoids and chewing gum for extra strong cravings...and if all else fails, I punch the cat. Fortunate for Chuckles, the cravings haven't been that strong. I also made sure that I got the name brand Nicoderm patches, and not the cheaper store-brand versions, whose dramatically lower price has me convinced they are nothing more than Scotch tape that's been licked by a three-pack-a-day smoker.

And I've only cheated once. Wait, I can explain:

On this past Tuesday, I left for work without putting on the Nicoderm patch. I tried to make it through the day without any nicotine in my system, but I couldn't. Work was too hectic to allow for me to run home for lunch and put on a fresh patch, and putting one on at night would've ensured a massive surge into my bloodstream too close to bedtime, and I've come to like my sleep. Plus, with the stress of my workload that day, it had come down to a choice between a cigarette or triple homicide. I actually only wanted to kill one person in particular, but... you know... there can't be any witnesses.

So, I bummed a smoke from my neighbor, and the head rush I got from the first drag led to me promising to name my first child after him. Sure, it tasted like hickory-smoked skunk hair, but it was soooooo worth it. That flood of precious carcinogens had my brain swimming, and I felt like I was kissing God. But, in the morning, I was back on the wagon. No harm, no foul.

I've also been transplanting that bad habit with a new, healthy one: I've been going for walks down at the River Parks. Granted, since getting my sense of smell back, walking around downstream from industrial plants with the low waterline leaving the nastiness fairly concentrated, hasn't been that much of a treat, but that has only helped quicken my pace a bit.

I started out small, a little over two miles per walk, but now I'm up to about five miles four to five times a week. It keeps my mind clear, and I've dropped a couple of pounds as a result. Once I drop a few more pounds, then I'll introduce a little jogging and running into the routine. I've also been capping off my walks with a few push-ups and ab crunches.

Walking around the River Parks have also afforded me new opportunities to witness some truly fucked-up things. For instance, there was the guy the other day who yelled at me to mind my own business because I happened to be walking past while he was fingering his girlfriend on a public park bench. I told him, "Sorry, pal, I didn't see the sign back there that said 'CAUTION: Dumbass reaching third base ahead'." Needless to say, at that moment, I quickly added wind sprints to my exercise routine to escape a thorough ass kicking.

There was also the impromptu recumbent-bicycle race I witnessed yesterday; five guys going as fast as they can on bikes that just screamed, "Why yes, I do work as a LINUX programmer! Why do you ask?"

Then there is the morbidly obese couple on the tandem bike that I see almost every time I go out there...really stretching the definition of the term bicycle-built-for-two. All I can do is just marvel at the tensile strength of bicycle frames nowadays.

Finally, and this is just an overall observation: What is truly great about the River Parks is that there are no real social mores in place here. Sure, everybody is really friendly, but looking at some of the things that go on there, I can't help but laugh at the thought that you can do pretty much anything you want, wear anything you want, as long as you make it look like you're getting some form of exercise. At any given moment, you might see some guy running in place, checking his pulse, with a lit cigarette in his hand. You might see a guy testing out his new homemade skateboard, which consists of a palette skid with furniture wheels nailed to it. I keep expecting to come across someone who sees absolutely no problem with practicing his javelin toss near the playground.

Yep, the River Parks...Comic goldmine.

I claimed this weekend in the name of Fritschie

2008-08-17T22:00:00.002-05:00

THURSDAY

My mom came to visit me. We went out to eat at McNellies and had a blast. I made a futile attempt to pay for dinner, but Mom informed me that it's gonna still be a while before I could wrestle the check away from her. In retrospect, I should've put a couple more drinks on the tab, but hey...

FRIDAY

I took Friday morning off so Mom and I could settle the car loan at the bank. But first, we had breakfast at Blue Dome Diner, which is now becoming a tradition whenever Mom comes to town.

I'm all set up at my new bank. Once the checks and debit card are in my possession, I can bid farewell to BOK once and for all. Time for me to bank with people who give a shit about me.

Work in the afternoon was pretty light, and seemed to pass with no problems whatsoever. After work, I went to Target to pick up a few things, and wound up running into a couple friends of mine, so we went shopping together...also gave me a sneak preview of their birthday presents to me.

Treated myself to some Chinese food for dinner. Chicken Pad Thai is my new heroin lately. Then, off to Borders where I bought myself the Watchmen graphic novel. Never read it before, and I wanted to get a copy before they slapped the "Soon to be a major motion picture" label on it. Damn, this is this a good novel, and my expectations are really high now for the movie.

SATURDAY

Brunch with friends at Blue Dome, grocery shopping, and preparing for the party. We had a dive-in movie at Gene's mom's house. We had a screen set up over the pool, and we watched Jaws, the Life Aquatic, and Pirates of the Caribbean. I had an absolute blast with my friends, I grilled up some fantastic food, and got drunker than I have in recent memory.

About 2 a.m., just after we started watching Pirates, I got myself my eight or ninth shot of Jameson's. That's about when things started turning a wee bit fuzzy. I realized that my equilibrium was a bit off, so I decided to sit down. Just then, I had a strange feeling like I was the center of the universe, and by that I meant that everything around me started revolving, with my head being the axis point.

Gee, maybe lying down on the sofa would solve this. Then, the invisible weights were attached to my eyelids. Hard as I might, I could not hold them open. I wasn't asleep...I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. After a few minutes, or perhaps an hour Earth time, I became painfully aware of some urgent pressure on my bladder. I rushed myself to the bathroom to take care of the situation, mildly interrupted by knocks on the bathroom door from friends asking if I was alright. I was...just needed to pee really badly, and since it was bad enough that I knew I was gonna be passing out soon, I'd rather not have soiling furniture thrown into the mix.

So back to the sofa, where everything in my body completely shut down for routine maintenance...except for my sense of hearing and ability to understand words. I was incapable of reacting to such stimuli, but I could hear what my friends were doing, and ponder what it will be like to wake up in the morning. The last word I remember was "Sharpie".

SUNDAY

Woke up on the sofa, thankfully still clothed and magic-marker-free. However, I did have about thirty stuffed animals piled on top of me. I'm still unclear how so many stuffed animals became available to my friends the previous night, but i gotta give them all credit for originality.

I took a few minutes to get my bearings back, which was difficult with the four-alarm headache, stiff back and the feeling like the back of my throat had been sandblasted. I had a moment of panic when I couldn't find my camera. It was like, "Oh shit! Someone might have my camera, and by virtue of the digital format not only doesn't have to have the pictures developed, but they might already be plastered all over cyberspace."

I packed up my stuff and drove home, stopping at QuikTrip to get a tanker of Gatorade. I down 52 ounces of that stuff by the time I got home, and went straight back to bed.

I woke up around one, and felt much better; nothing a few dozen Tylenol and some caffeine couldn't cure. So, I went to Alisee Momo for the Tulsa Creative Network meeting, and my buddy Corey hooked me up with some grub and Pepsi. I stepped out for a smoke and wound up having to call an ambulance for a bum complaining of chest pains. Just to look at him, I think a little tightness in the chest was the least of his problems. There was sand and gravel stuck on his face, his clothes were ripped in various places, and it looked like he'd been doing some self-medicating and, as per usual with this practice, seriously got the dosage wrong.

Later, a bunch of us observed my birthday tradition: a movie. Namely, The Dark Knight at the IMAX. Pretty. Fucking. Sweet. This was my third time for this movie, and seeing it five stories tall just kicked ass. What a lovely way to finish up my birthday.

Now, I'm home and using up the last of my cigarettes. Tomorrow, I start off my 33rd year on this planet with nicotine patches and hopes to finally give my whitening toothpaste a fighting chance. Wish me luck.

Gotta love that new car smell

2008-08-11T22:43:00.002-05:00

This weekend, I picked up my new car. It's a maroon '06 Chevy HHR, and oh, how I love it.

Perhaps my perspective is a bit askew, here. I've been driving a 2-ton pickup for a year and a half, with a tape deck, vinyl seats and no air conditioning. Now, I'm in a car with leather, A/C, CD player, sunroof, keyless entry, remote start...all the bells and whistles. I fear I'm going a little mad with power.

When I really think about it, the only perk the truck had over the new car was extra leg room. However, everything worthwhile in life requires a little bit of sacrifice.

I'm buying this car from my folks, or more to the point the BANK is buying from my folks and I'm buying it from the bank. This is my first major purchase in five years that wasn't a verbal contract. On the upside, this is gonna work wonders for my credit. On the downside, it's gonna be much harder to sweet-talk an extension from my debtors.

This means that the budget is gonna be stretched thinner than usual. I'm gonna try to float by for a few months with all of the perks I've grown accustomed to, like cable TV, name-brand cereal and a social life. One thing that's definitely gotta go is the smoking. I'm quitting on August 18, the day after my birthday.

Why not just quit now? Well, because I want to enjoy my birthday to its fullest without having to battle will power the whole frickin' day. Another reason is because i started smoking after a special occasion (Y2K, long story), and I'm gonna quit it after a big occasion. I also plan to quit with the same brand that i started with: Camel Red Lights. Yep, I'm that much of a graphic designer that I chose my brand of smokes by the cool packaging.

This is gonna be a trip; a life-changing experience. An exercise in discipline, and a long-overdue one. Let's see how this goes

Cars, boobs, beauty, Bub and bed

2008-08-03T23:37:00.003-05:00

Tonight was Comedy Night at the Nightingale, and I did a killer five-minute set. I'm still a little buzzed from drinking four Red Bulls at the show (dear Lord, I need help), so I'm gonna be up for a little while.

So, here are the highlights of my week:

1. The plans are set for me to pick up the new car next weekend. My folks have the title in hand, and I need to fix a few things on the truck this week, get insurance set up, and have my folks sign and notorize the title. Then, I'll be good to go, and in debt again.

2. I did my usual Thursday night Guinness night at Arnie's Bar. I took my camera with me, and at some point in the night, a mystery woman took the camera and left me with a couple of breast shots. Two problems, though: First, I couldn't tell whose breast it was...even doing some CSI:Photoshop work couldn't solve the mystery. Second, and this is a note to those wishing to give a guy breast shots on his digital camera: Use the damned flash!

3. Last night was the Ms. Center of the Universe Pageant. I, and Personality of Cult by proxy, helped sponsor the show by designing the poster for the show. The show was great, and speaking as a guy who has worked with real pageants, they did a great job in mocking the process, and I'm looking forward to this being an annual event.

4. This morning, I got a message that my great-uncle Bub passed away. I'll have to check with my boss tomorrow and see if it would be possible to take off for the funeral. However, the truck may not be long-trip worthy until I can get the repairs done Thursday night. We'll see.

5. The Red Bull is finally wearing off, and now, I'm off to bed.

Help pick the January Midnight Movie at the Circle Cinema

2008-07-30T22:15:00.003-05:00

We've got some great news, folks! Personality of Cult 2 has an opening date: January 30, 2009, which means this opening at the Circle Cinema also happens to be the night of the midnight movie!

Here's where you come in. You get to help us pick the midnight movie! Please vote in this poll:

View Poll |View ResultsPolls PoweredBy MicroPoll

A weekend of muscle-twitching, teeth grinding fun and music

2008-07-27T22:32:00.003-05:00

This weekend was D-Fest, Tulsa's huge arts and music festival. It's a good mix of local and visiting bands, lots of cool stuff to do, and it was tons of fun. And, Three Penny Upright scored me an artist's all-access pass.

Friday night was our night for fun. We saw Sir Threadius Mongus at the Continental, The Oh Johnny Girls and The Starkweather Boys at 1974. All great shows, and I'm so glad I went. The rest of the night I hung out with friends at the Nightingale Theater booth and more than abused my privileges at the artist's lounge, where there were complimentary snacks and more essential to my ability to get through the night, Red Bull.

Here-to-fore, I've never really liked Red Bull. I've felt that it tasted like strawberry soda that's been filtered through a mummy, with a color that suggests that it should never be seen outside of the can...kinda like taking a piss after a B-complex supplement. However, with them giving the stuff away, along with my want/need to stay out and party, I've changed my tone a bit. I think I downed about 5-6 over the course of the night (a couple of them with vodka), and Red Bull gave me the energy I needed to stay out until nearly four in the morning.

I could've kept going with a couple more, but when I felt the desire to ask for a needle and spoon with my next Red Bull, I decided to retire for the evening - or morning - at this point. Thankfully, I crashed from the stuff as soon as I got home, before the need to dismantle my electronics and clean the house with my mind set in.

I slept in until the afternoon on Saturday and headed back to D-Fest around four. Three Penny played at Tsunami at eight, and I went into my usual roadie mode, helping the band get checked in and set up. It was a special set for them, their last with their bass player Don, who's moving to Massachusetts next week. After the show, we walked around, checked out a few bands, had a few drinks. Sure enough, I had a few more Red Bulls. At one point in the evening, I think I got so hyper that my speech patterns devolved into Morse code, and I might, might have seen through time at one point.

By the way, when you've had a few Red Bulls, the last drink I recommend you throw in the mix is a White Russian. I'm pretty sure the chemical reaction in my stomach produced pure nitro-glycerine, but it soon transgressed into a feeling of calm and harmony with the universe. Everything was golden-hued, there was no more pain, and I marveled at the sight of everyone's auras.

I left around midnight to head to a pool party I had been invited to. Upon walking in the door, my buddy Tony commented on how I smelled "fruity", which meant that A) the Red Bull was escaping through my pores, and B) I'm really lousy at hiding new-found addictions.

Swimming was a fun way to end the night, even though it gave me a full-body hangover in the morning. But, a few aspirin and some methadone to calm the shakes and I was right as rain.

Today, I lounged around the house for a while and went to Don and Amber's going-away party. Good times, noodle salad. I'm sure gonna miss them.

Now, I'm back home and detoxing from the Red Bull. You know, a soda product shouldn't have this effect on the human body, nor should it garner a feeling of empathy for meth addicts. But on the up side, the chills I'm experiencing means I'm not wasting electricity on the air conditioner, and I'm typing reasonably well for a man shaking like an off-kilter Maytag. And now, I got to empty the puke bucket, hose myself off, get the dead baby off the ceiling and get some sleep.

Holy shit, Batman!

2008-07-19T11:49:00.002-05:00

I've always been a fan of superhero movies, going all the way back to Richard Donner's Superman. And as much as I've loved them, there's always been an element of realistic logic missing from them. Until now, filmmakers have just assumed that the suspension of disbelief needed for an audience to buy that a man can fly instantly meant that all real world consequences went out the window as well. They never showed Superman or Spiderman buying new clothes to replace the outfit they left in those phone booths. Heroes and villains alike could purchase parts for custom jet planes and doomsday machines without raising the slightest bit of suspicion from government agencies. It's always bugged me.

Now, the filmmakers are wising up. F-16's are chasing a bogey that turns out to be Iron Man. Satellite photos uncovered where the X-Men hide their plane. And now, warrants have been issued for the arrest of Batman.

I like to imagine that after the cinematic abomination that was Batman And Robin, Hollywood finally started listening to writers and directors that actually knew a thing or two about character development, psychology and human emotion. These huge mythologies created in the comics provided an outline, but logic drove the vision onto the big screen. X-Men started this trend by by forgoing the yellow spandex for more sensible black uniforms, giving all their characters a reason for being there and actually utilizing the full capacity of the characters powers. When Batman Begins came around, they actually explained how Bruce Wayne received his training and got all those wonderful toys, going so far as to explain how he covered his tracks in purchasing all of the parts he needed to become Batman.

Now, we have The Dark Knight. Starting out roughly a year after Batman Begins, and Gotham City is indeed a different place. The cops and lawyers have the bad guys on the run, and the bad guys are having to take bigger and bolder steps to hold on to their part of the city. In a lot of ways, Batman has made a difference, but he's still as busy as ever and the citizens are still unsure what to think of him. Most people seem to privately praise his efforts while publicly calling for his head. For Gotham City, it's a duality that they can live with, until the Joker comes along.

Heath Ledger is now the definitive Joker, and as much as I loved Jack Nicholson's take on the character, Ledger makes Jack's Joker look like a pussy. This Joker is the new standard for bad guys and a stunning legacy for an actor lost to this world way too soon. That being said, as hard as I tried, I couldn't shake the same feeling I had seeing Brandon Lee in The Crow. I worry that I loved the performance so much because i knew that this was the last time we'd see something like this. I also came to realize another similarity: This is twice now that we've lost an actor after they portrayed a character whose main disguise is white grease paint. Not that I suspect a curse, but on the other hand, I wonder if another actor would have the balls to do a character in white-face again.

The Joker, as a character has always been a tough nut to cracked, and in TDK, he certainly cracked. He's a fully realized character with no rules, his back story changes each time he tells it, and his motivation is clear: total chaos. His grudge with Batman is one of hatred as well as admiration. The Joker is a master manipulator, giving everyone he targets a choice; he'll give anyone what they want, but it usually means that they must sacrifice the ideals that made their motivations worthwhile in the first place. The same holds true for the audience, at times, you don't know whether to love or hate the guy. Some of his demented antics left me laughing my ass off or mumbling "Ooooh, well played!" under my breath. Case in point, the disappearing pencil trick and "I'd like my one phone call, now."

Batman this time around really doesn't have that much screen time, but the time he does have is gold. He actually does detective work, escalates his arsenal to better serve his needs in taking down more sophisticated bad guys. Nothing he has on his utility belt is a clever plot convenience. There's no shark repellent spray just in case he needs it. He actually adapts his methods based on what needs to be adapted.

Bruce Wayne has become a really great character in my opinion. He uses his wealth and power to serve two purposes simultaneously: to find information that will help Batman and to ensure that no one would ever suspect that he is Batman.

Harvey Dent was very well done and fit neatly into the story, but unfortunately didn't have much time to shine because of the Joker. The story sets up Two-Face very well, and went in direction I wasn't expecting at all. Maggie Gyllenhal taking over for Katie Holmes was certainly an upgrade. The setup for Commissioner Gordon was a testament to the genius that is Gary Oldman. His role in Batman Begins kinda disappointed me, but now I view it as a great setup for a great performance in this film.

All in all, this is the best film I've seen this year, and the only one I'm dying to see again on the big screen. I loved Iron Man and Wall-E (tied for second best), Incredible Hulk, Hellboy II, and everything else I've seen this year, but I believe I can wait for DVD on all those. With TDK, I still need to catch it at the IMAX, where I'm certain I'll be blown away all over again.

Hell, Hellboy, and more crap

2008-07-13T16:52:00.002-05:00

This work week began and ended with the same shit-sucking project. We started out behind schedule, rushed through it all, and in the end there were big errors in the whole damned thing. We got it fixed, but that's a really shitty call to get at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon.

That evening, I went to a friend's improv show at the Nightingale. That made me feel a little better. But afterwards, we caught a late showing of Hellboy II. Holy crap, was it good! Great action, great humor, and one of the most visually imaginative movies I've ever seen. Really dark, but I like dark. As much as I love Guillermo del Toro, I would really hate to be one of his kids. Think of the bedtime stories they have to endure, and what richly detailed and vividly beautiful nightmares they have as a result.

Saturday I hung out over at a friend's house as she got her kitchen prepared for remodeling this week. It wasn't until I pulled into her driveway that it dawned on me what I was doing: A friend was packing up boxes, most of which was going to Goodwill, and I was pulling up in a huge pickup truck. Sure enough, I left with a few boxes to drop off on my way home.

Saturday night, I went over to another friend's house to work out some details on a project we've got cooking. I can't give too many details, but I can tell you that us winding up watching an old episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 could be considered research.

This morning, I had a wild hair to clean out my huge closet. Unfortunately, that wild hair wore off before the cleaning was done, and now, I'm sitting here watching the Two Towers amongst massive piles of junk. Typical me.

Quick Update

2008-07-06T21:12:00.002-05:00

1. I'm approved for the car loan. I'm working out all the final details to determine how much my tags, taxes, title and insurance should cost me. Plus, I have to get a few repairs done on the truck before I return it to my folks. I'm also working on a budget for when I have to make all of these new payments. I'm thinking a dramatic cutback in my cable package and smoking habit might be in order.

2. Wednesday night, I completed my sixth set of stand-up material. I promised myself that i would get this far, and have 25 minutes of material built up before I began revising, repeating and fine-tuning my act. Sure, I'll pepper in some new stuff here and there, but like any other performing art, it's best to have a back catalog as a base.

3. Entries for the next art show are up to eight now, and it looks to be shaping up to be an interesting show. This week, I need to square up a few people to jury the concepts and decide who gets into the show...and I need to get cracking on lining up some sponsors.

4. I had a happy Fourth of July. I had some friends over and we walked down to the river to see the fireworks, then went to a pool party across town. Good times, noodle salad.

5. Last night was Cairde na Gael at the PAC. The show was great, and the afterparty at Kilkenny's was a blast.

6. Today, I did laundry and finished up the artwork for a poster I'm doing for the Ms. Center of the Universe Pageant. So far, they've loved the stuff I've come up with, and they've asked me to be a judge...but we'll see. On one hand, I've done enough work for pageants over the years that I feel I'm a little too cynical to be judging this kind of stuff. On the other hand, there's a wet t-shirt contest involved...so I'm torn. Not too torn, but still...

7. This next week should be pretty busy starting out, but I hope and pray that it'll smooth out by the weekend. Fingers crossed.

Good news / Grating news

2008-06-30T17:25:00.002-05:00

First, the good news: I'm getting that car loan! According to the credit union I signed up with today, there's only one small blemish on my credit report that is keeping me from approval on a car loan. It's a simple $75 outstanding payment that I can make over the phone. The only other downside is that due to my lack of any new debt over the past couple years, they say I'll need to keep 10% of the loan amount in savings at their bank at all times. Oh, well, no Wii for Fritschie in the near future.

That good news more than outweighed something that's been bugging the shit out of me for the past day and a half. This weekend was the Goonies at the midnight movie. I talked to a friend of mine on Friday, making it clear that I was going on Saturday night. Saturday night came, and she was a no-show. So, Sunday morning I get a call from her, and she proceeds to huff and puff that I didn't call her Saturday to remind her.

Hell, even the most formal gathering only require ONE confirmation. Besides, since when have I been known to flake out on plans to see a movie?

At that moment, I made a decision...OK, it was after she hung up on me...but I made the decision to not make any time in my life for people who cannot accept responsibility for their own lives. Up until recently, that was more of a guideline, but now, I make it a rule.

This particular friend I speak of has had kind of a rough year, and I understand that. A bitter breakup, unemployment, depression, you name it. But lately, she has become increasingly paranoid that all of her friends are turning on her, even though she's making no effort to rectify the situation(s). She bitches and moans that no one wants to hang out with her, gets pissed off about not getting invited to parties that don't necessarily require invitations, and when anyone partakes in an activity that she didn't get called about, she pulls this "Et tu, Brute?" bullshit. Not to mention the fact that her name has been dropped a few times in my quest to find out who started that damned rumor about me.

Yes, a lot of her friends, myself included, have been hanging out with other people, but what she fails to realize is that we've been making time for people who have been making time for us. It's a two-way street. There's no reason to bitch about someone not calling you when you make no effort to call them first. And, if we make plans to do something, and you flake on us, they don't call us the next day and make us feel like it's our fault!

I have no time for that. Not any more. I'm not a social secretary, nor am I a switchboard to interpersonal networks. Friendships are like any other relationship, you only get out of it what you give into it. No tickee, no laundry.

I like to consider myself a super nice guy, but I do have my limits, and I'm no longer tolerating people who wish (consciously or otherwise) to push those limits.

My everlasting love for Wall-E and my undying hatred for Larry the Cable Guy

2008-06-29T17:20:00.004-05:00

I've been going to movies long enough to not settle for anything less than what I know I'll like. In fact, I insist upon it. And, I've had a pretty good track record going. The last movie I walked out of starred Pauly Shore, if that give you any indication how long ago that was. For the record, that film wasn't of my choosing. That was a first and only date with that girl.

Part of this is knowing what to avoid. Think of it like a food allergy. If peanuts ever gave you a rash, you tend to avoid Snickers bars, no matter how many people tell you how good it is. In keeping with this analogy, there are certain people in Hollywood that I consider myself allergic to: Micheal Bay, Larry the Cable Guy, Ashton Kutcher, most rap artists and pop singers, etc.

Then, there are the filmmakers that I must see everything they've done, good or bad. Spielberg, Tarantino, Ridley Scott, Edgar Wright, Peter Jackson, etc. And, if I may use another food metaphor (I'm currently starving and writing this until the pizza get here), it like going to your favorite restaurant, and you're trying to have everything on the menu at least once. Granted, you may not always get a good meal, but you really like the chef.

On that last list, I hesitated to put Pixar, because I have never, and never plan to see Cars...my allergy to Larry the Cable Guy is that powerful.

I bring all this up because I just saw Wall-E, and I have to sing its and Pixar's praises. I don't wish to say what a lot of critics have said. Things like "Pixar has done it again." Because they've never done anything like this before. It's not only one of the best animated films I've seen, it's also one of the best sci-fi films I've seen in years. While it's still fresh in my head, I have to get some of these thoughts out:

1. I would love to sit in on an idea pitch at Pixar just once. I have a sneaking suspicion that the first question raised on any idea is "Could the main character be something that really shouldn't be able to express any emotion, but we'll do so anyway in a spectacular fashion?" Hell, Wall-E is a robot with a set of binoculars for a head, and that guy had me tearing up in laughter or sadness all the way through.

2. This film is proof that Jim Henson was a god. Henson's goal with any of his works was to tell an engaging, entertaining story...but with puppets. Pixar has pushed this philosophy to unbelievable heights. Every film Pixar has done could have been told in any medium and achieve the same results*, that's how meticulous they are in developing the characters, the story and the universe they exist in. Wall-E could've been a silent move with stick figures and it'd be just as engrossing, that's how good the story is.

*And to be fair, a couple of their stories have been told in another medium, only Pixar took the time to tell them better. Don't believe me, watch A Bug's Life and Three Amigos or Cars** and Doc Hollywood back to back.

** I'm kinda guessing on Cars, because as I've never seen it on account of Larry the Cable Guy***.

***Sweet Jesus, I hate Larry the Cable Guy. I find it difficult to want to exist in a world where George Carlin is dead and this guy still has a career anywhere other than a Denny's.

3. My only problem with the movie really isn't about the movie, it's with the Disney marketing department. Don't get me wrong, I loved this movie, but it would've been twice as good if I knew absolutely nothing about it going in. Thankfully though there is a trend in the making of movie trailers that they are starting to show alternate versions of big scenes in the final film. They did it with Iron Man and Wall-E did the same thing. Many of the big laughs in the trailers are in the film, only in a different, better and funnier context. However, I think Pixar has enough clout with audiences that they'd get the same audience, perhaps even a larger audience, if they didn't show a single frame from the film.

4. It was also pretty ballsy for Disney to go along with a film that has such an anti-mass-consumerism message. However, it is let ambiguous enough that everyone will see it differently. Personally, having worked for Wal-Mart, I laughed my ass off at the "Buy-N-Large" Corporation that owns every aspect of human society in the future, and the CEO character is such a sly swipe at our country's leadership that I'm pretty sure Dubya won't catch it. Again, you might see it differently.

5. The humans in the future were brilliantly done. Eons of inactivity have turned the human race into giant fat babies**** who drink all of their food out of cups and are moved around on floating recliners. In any movie, I tend to get so sucked in to the movie that I can tune out most of reality, but having my feet up drinking a large soda and seeing these people on the screen made me readjust in my seat.

****Imagine Larry the Cable Guy clean shaven and in a red onesie. On second thought, imagine him being suffocated by placing Git-R-Done stickers over his mouth and nostils. There, that's better.

6. There's a brilliant scene that absolutely killed me...just imagine One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with robots.

7. The Pixar short Presto! before the film is absolutely brilliant. There wasn't a trailer for the next Pixar film before the movie, but seeing as they have Cars 2***** on its way, I guess I'm thankful.

*****Why, God, why?!? People are starving in this country and You're allowing another fat paycheck to Larry the FUCKING Cable Guy? And people wonder why Atheism exists.

In summary, go see Wall-E.******

******Die, Larry. Just. Die.

R.I.P. George Carlin

2008-06-23T21:43:00.002-05:00

George Carlin has passed. Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits.

I was 13 when I listened to my first Carlin record, Occupation: Foole. I still have that album, and the jacket still faintly smells of the pot my parents de-seeded on it. I've long since upgraded to CD for that album, and I still laugh hysterically every time i listen.

He was the last of the holy trinity of stand-up comedy, alongside Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor. Make no mistake, the man was my hero. His comedy was my church, and here-to-fore he was my preacher, but now in his death he is my patron saint.

From the straight-laced early days, to the counter-culture, through the goofy stuff from the 80's, the angry rants of the 90's and the later, more philosophical works at the end, he covered about everything there was to cover and even some things we had not yet realized, he neatly separated truth from utter bullshit and held a mirror in front of our society and had us on the floor laughing as a result.

For years, listening to Carlin actually discouraged me from pursuing stand-up, because I knew I would never reach his level in a million years. Now that I have started doing stand-up, and walking that familiar path that all comics do, I realize that we all see just how high the bar has been set. I began this journey wanting to pay homage, and now I do so as a tribute.

We all strive to find a unique voice and message in everything we do and we must be grateful that we have been blessed with someone like him to show us the way.

So long, George, peace be with you, and may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ah, venting is fun...

2008-06-22T21:38:00.003-05:00

Not that I'm developing delusions of grandeur or anything, but I may soon have to confront some rather disturbing facets of my supposed infamous reputation. Because after meeting several new people around town recently and hearing, "Oh, yes...I've heard all about you...", and when I press for some of this information they laugh nervously and change the subject, I began to suspect that I may be the protagonist/antagonist of some fairly juicy rumors around town.

I have managed to beat some details out of friends who were in the know, and many of the details have ranked at about sun-dried tomato level on the juiciness scale. Things about my dating history, some of which were based on solid facts, have found new life in works of fiction via word of mouth. However, most of it was frankly a bit flattering because it painted me in an intriguing light to members of the opposite sex, but still easily debunked by anyone who has known me for over, say, one hour.

And it comes with the territory. I mean, I have done quite a bit over the past year that has gotten me at least some notoriety around town, and I guess I'm not so surprised that some falsehoods get spread around about me. I've just been able to brush them off as gossip.

That is, until this newest one.

I wish not to repeat the rumor here because I do not want to give it any more power than it already has. I will say that it doesn't just involve me, it also involves one of my closest friends and by proxy, her family. And if you have heard anything about this rumor, rest assured it is absolutely, 1,000% NOT TRUE.

You see, I don't normally draw lines in the sand, but this is a running jump over that line. Say what you will about me - I can take that - but if you get anyone I care about involved, then it's time I sharpen my claws.

However, the rumor itself is not the thing that pisses me off the most. It's that a good friend of mine has either perpetrated the rumor or perpetuated it. It is irrelevant whether this person is the main offender by starting it or the accessory after the fact by spreading it. Either way, anything short of detailed evidence, flowcharts, and 27 - 8 X 10 color glossy photos with circles and arrows and paragraphs on the back of each one proving that this person was not involved in any way is gonna deter me from casting away someone I have known and here-to-fore loved for close to a third of my life.

For those of you doing the math in your head, and you're NOT getting that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that I may be speaking about you, let me say this: Talk of this matter ends here. Don't ask me to secretly explain my cryptic messages because I don't want this to begin any more drama and unnecessary bullshit than it already has. This posting is merely a means for me to vent all of this vitriolic anger and mind-boggling feeling of betrayal by a person whom I have trusted from the moment we met up until about three hours ago.

And if you ARE getting that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, don't feel like you need to avoid me. Just go on like nothing's nothing, and if my response to your hello are the words, "We need to talk.", then believe me, we will have words.

Oooooooh, will we have words. Words that could shred Kevlar. Words that would make a drill sergeant piss his pants. I'm even reading the dictionary cover to cover in case I need backups. I have made an appointment with a German language professor in case I run out of words in English. I might even ask for occasional breaks for Gatorade. I'm making a mix tape of inspirational, albeit angry, music in my head to act as a soundtrack to our little talk.

This...is gonna be brutal. Legend. Epic. The mother of all fuck-off's, and in many people's opinions, long overdue.

Sleep tight.

Hulk smash Fritschie's puny expectations.

2008-06-15T16:53:00.002-05:00

Saturday afternoon, I caught a matinee of The Incredible Hulk. Oddly enough, it was the same theater, same screen that I saw The Hulk when it came out five years ago. Pretty damn good flick, and a vast improvement on the last one. It's hard to describe...not a sequel and not quite a reboot. The storyline that most people are familiar with and summed all of that up in the opening credits. Kinda like what they've done with the Spider-Man sequels. But, the storyline it summarizes is from more from the old TV series instead of the last movie.

Edward Norton did a great job. His level of fame at this point in his career naturally means that it takes a short while into any of his movies to see him as the character instead of Ed Norton. Liv Tyler was good, and there was a good level of chemistry between she and Norton. Tim Roth played the bad guy very well, as always, and his transformation mirrored that of a drug addict, wanting more and more until he goes over the edge.

The biggest surprise for me was William Hurt. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a tremendous actor, It's just whenever he's tried action films, he really hasn't fit in very well. Case in point: Lost in Space. But he really owned his role in Hulk, and did a hell of a lot better job than Sam Elliott in the last Hulk.

Growing up, I wasn't much of a comic book geek. I was enough of one to be familiar with the story lines, but not enough to tell you the exact issue the events happened in. But, it was enough to be able to call bullshit on any comic book movie that strayed from the original mythology.

So, when the first Hulk movie came out, I enjoyed it for the visual style, but couldn't bring myself to watch it again because of how far removed it was from the story I was familiar with. But Marvel Comics made a brilliant power play. It took control over all of their properties and started making the movies themselves, enlisting the major studios for distribution only. The first result was Iron Man, which not only remained true to form, but also is my favorite movie of the year thus far. A teaser scene at the end of Iron Man hinted at the direction Marvel is taking these movies. A brief scene at the End of Incredible Hulk does this as well. Yep, their building up to an Avengers Movie.

Here's where the rumor mill is at so far. Next up is Thor, then Captain America, then Iron Man 2, and the Avengers soon after. Sorry DC Comics, but Marvel has just kicked your ass. With the recent reboots of Superman and Batman, not to mention the long-delayed Wonder Woman movie...it'd be really tough for you guys to work in the possibility of a Justice League movie the same way Avengers is coming along. However, I have heard word of a in-progress Justice League movie, but with all-different actors playing Supes and Batman. It may be too little, too late.

Rough set

2008-06-12T20:03:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of bad things to happen to a stand-up comic. Third worst would have to be "death on stage" meaning your set completely bombed. Second is literal death on stage, no matter if it's natural or otherwise...You're still dead. And I would guess the absolute worst is literal near death...because hey, how the hell can you top resurrection as a gimmick!

No, I experienced the fourth worst fate for a stand-up: Going up first. My material was solid. I delivered my lines in proper order, and didn't get too distracted by the far-too-sober, not-quite-ready-to-laugh audience. My jokes were good, and the crowd wasn't totally unresponsive. They did laugh, but more in a politely distracted kind of way.

After my set, I went outside to chain smoke about half a pack to calm my nerves. Didn't help. What did help was getting something to eat and catching the rest of the show. Knowing I was going on stage, I skipped dinner because puking on the front row wasn't the kind of "edge" my act needed. The rest of the show went pretty smoothly by the time the featured comedian got up for his set.

Much like flying an airplane, the majority of turbulence occurs between take-off and cruising altitude. My set just happened to go on before the flight attendants started serving cocktails.

This house...is clean.

2008-06-08T21:07:00.002-05:00

A lot of little things in my life require some sort of catalyst to kick my ass into action. During my busy season at work, my apartment's cleanliness suffered the most. I just haven't been able to motivate myself to clean up around here for the past month and a half. Well, it took a promise I made to my friend's daughter a long time ago to get me to clean this place up.

A couple months ago, Ivy got a brand new, high end digital camera. While hanging out at their house, she was geeking out over the camera, and flippantly mentioned that she needs to go buy a tripod. I told her that I had a tripod that I haven't used but a couple times since I bought it four years ago. Knowing her love for photography, and knowing that I sure as hell wasn't gonna be using it anytime in the near future, I offered to give her the tripod.

Ever since, I have been forgetting to bring her the tripod, and have been reminded every single time. On Friday, as I was out the door to go to my buddy Tony's birthday party, Ivy got proactive and called me to remind me not to forget it. I went into the closet and retrieved the tripod, but quickly noticed that the most crucial part was missing, i.e. the part that attaches to the camera. So, I took an extra few minutes tearing the place apart to find it, but to no avail.

So, my place was beyond the level of pig sty...at least you can walk around in a pig sty. No, my apartment was looking like post-war Berlin. Saturday was too busy for me to do any substantial cleaning, but today, I had nothing better to do.

Four trash bags full of junk, three rounds of dishes, and a big pile of dirty laundry (to be done later this week...still got clean clothes left), and this place is clean...er. I still got a little bit of straightening up to do, but at least I won't be as embarrassed to have company over.

The best part? I found the missing part to the tripod. But, Ivy is off to New York for a week, so no rush in getting it to her.

And none of it was possible if a 15 year old hadn't nagged me one last time to keep my promise. Thanks, kiddo!

Back in the swing of things

2008-06-02T21:01:00.003-05:00

Well, The big project has been printed and delivered, and the expected annual barrage of errors pointed out has amounted to a grand total of one. On one page, a page looked over and triple checked by at least four people, a woman's age got listed incorrectly. She was listed as 20, when she was actually 22. I take pride in the fact that my one slip-up was taken as a compliment.

Now, I'm back on my normal workload, and I am very thankful for that. My only problem is deadlines, which are being met as quickly as I can meet them. My clients are understanding of my situation and I'm glad they are being so flexible. It saves me the time and energy explaining to them that human cloning has been outlawed or that state labor laws prohibit the use of magical pixies.

I've been taking some steps to re-regulating my sleep schedule, but it's proven a bit difficult with my increasingly active social schedule.

Thursday night was my regular Guinness night, and I wound up closing down the bar. It became all too clear how hard I've been working lately with the number of "Long time no see" greetings I got down at Arnie's.

A good friend of mine invited me to tag along on a road trip to Seattle at the end of July. I told him I'd have to check with my boss about taking a week off. Unfortunately, just moments before I was to talk to my boss(es), my assistant put in his two-week notice. Seattle can wait, though. Besides, I'd miss my friends playing at D-Fest.

Friday night was the midnight movie at the Circle, and I enjoyed myself a little Donnie Darko. I had never seen it before, which makes the compliments I received for the poster advertising the screening all that much better. Apparently I don't need to know that much about what I'm advertising to get people to come along with me.

As for the movie, I really liked it. It's the kind of movie I could imagine myself writing...if I had been reading Graham Greene while watching Evil Dead after taking a heroic dose of 'shrooms.

Saturday night was Old Crow Confessions. For the uninitiated, Confessions is like a really drunk town hall meeting. Everyone in attendance is invited to participate, stepping up to take a swig of cheap whiskey and confess their sins, fears, rants and raves in a judgment free environment. I got up a couple time to get a couple things off my chest and it felt great to do so. Sure, I'd like to tell you more, but the rule is that what's said there, stays there.

Sunday night was my debut at Comedy Night at the Nightingale. This being my third time doing stand-up and my third time with all-new material. My challenge to myself is to do one more set of original material before I start repeating myself. This time around, I tackled relationships, and my set went really well. Now, I'm working on a whole set about my troubles finding a new car. It's shaping up pretty well, and I'll be able to try it out when I go up at open mic night next Wednesday.

After the show, we headed down to Caz's for a few post-show beers, and it was a lot of fun. I was still riding on the adrenaline of being on-stage, and, feeling bold, I started hitting on a woman at the bar. True to my shy nature, I didn't take it too far. Just enough to send out a vibe.

About the time I was debating whether or not to go home and get some sleep, a woman walked in that looked a lot like a woman I met very recently. I nudged a buddy of mine who knows the girl I was thinking of and he looked and said that it wasn't her. So, I finished my beer, tabbed out at the bar and lo and behold, it was the girl I was thinking she was. So we chatted for a short while, but I was getting too tired and politely excused myself to get some sleep.

And so, a new work week began this morning, and everything appears to be running smoothly...for now. But, I've gotten used to the fight-or-flight response first thing in the morning, so things should be fine in the long run.

My day off with Indy

2008-05-26T16:40:00.002-05:00

83:20. That was my total on hours this past week. I clocked out at 4:00 on Sunday with the big project 99.9% done. I just have to hit print on a few final pages Tuesday morning and I can get back to the normal work load.

So, I had the day off today. I paid off my massive sleep debt, and for the first time in almost a month, I haven't had jack shit to do...except go see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

My review of the film in two words: It'll do.

In five words? Great but far from perfect.

The action scenes were really good. I do love me some attacking howler monkeys and big frickin' ants swarming over bad bad guys. The plot lines, on the other hand, ran just a little too smoothly for my taste, but I can forgive that. They had a lot of ground to cover in such a short amount of time. Sure, I could pick it all apart, making a list of other ways they could've gotten it all done, but this way was just as effective as anything this armchair director could've done.

I'll do my best to keep the spoilers to a minimum.

The only thing that really bugs me, though, is the one thing missing from this installment that the other three had: a moment of genuine self-sacrifice.

In Raiders, Indy threatened to blow up the arc with a bazooka if the Nazis didn't release Marion, sacrificing a great artifact for the woman he loves. In Temple of Doom, he cut the rope bridge. In Last Crusade, we got a triple shot: Indy ran the gauntlet to save his father, took the leap of faith, and ultimately allowed the grail to slip away.

Crystal Skull just didn't have a moment like that. It followed a formula closer to an episode of Young Indiana Jones Chronicles than it did the other three movies. Don't get me wrong, the movie worked, but not quite like the other movies did.

But Spielberg did keep the movie square in the same visual style of the other movies. It still had that timeless Saturday afternoon serial feel to it. Having the movie set in the fifties was a nice touch. It help deal with Indy's advancing age, and setting the film in the middle of the red scare not only allowed for a new kind of enemy for Indy to face, but also a new world for him to prove himself a hero.

I agree with my buddy Corey that the best thing they could've done differently in the marketing of the film was to keep Marion out of all of the trailers. Watching the movie, her entrance would've been one of the greatest surprises in film history. However, that would've been next to impossible given her role in the film. Every great action sequence had her in it, and short of filming alternate takes without her or airbrushing her out for the trailers would not have been an easy task.

Personally, I blame George Lucas on that one. He's passed up this kind of opportunity before. Remember the trailers for Episode I? Imagine how kick-ass it would've been to not see Darth Maul's two-ended light saber until you saw the movie? Or maybe not have released the tie-in books, soundtrack with song titles that gave away the plot, and all of the toys with character descriptions on the packaging a full month before the opening of the film?

But what's done is done. Indy's back, and in the end, I'm grateful.

Update

2008-05-18T18:16:00.002-05:00

I clocked out of work today with nearly 72 hours for the week. I left at around 3:30, and ever since then, it has seemed like time has stood still. I'm getting some cleaning done around the house, and every time I look at the clock it's only a few minutes later than the last time I looked. Maybe it's because my body has been so hopped up on caffeine for the past week that I'm still in superhuman speed mode, or maybe it's just a gift from the Gods to reward me on my afternoon off.

The big project is going smoother and rougher than it ever has. My new assistant has really kicked ass on his part of the project. Thanks to him, we're a week ahead of schedule on overall production. I, on the other hand, have been making up time all week, and currently I'm still a few days behind. Another week of 14 hour days should take care of it. It's been hard, seeing as I've had a full workload in my other duties with no relief in the immediate future. I've only been able to touch the big project after hours.

It's been long, hard work, and despite the 72 hours, I've managed to spend time with my friends, which has kept me from going completely mental. Unfortunately that hasn't helped with sleep. I decided to go out for a couple beers on Thursday and wound up staying out just as late as I had the previous three nights.

Friday, I hung out with my friends at the Blue Dome Arts Festival. For reasons beyond me, I decided to walk there from home. It was only about 15 blocks, but being sleep deprived and out of shape, it could just as well been Mount Everest. Plus, having to walk through Mayfest to get there wasn't exactly a picnic. But after sitting down for a few minutes, I got a huge rush of energy that sustained me throughout the rest of the night.

I got off work Saturday around 7:00, and went back down to Blue Dome to see Cairde na Gael play. This time I drove. Three Penny Upright played later in the night at Club 209, and afterwards, we all went to IHOP for what wound up being an ill-advised batch of stuffed french toast surrounded by some of the most trashiest people ever gathered in one place. The whole place smelled of pancake batter, Axe body spray and defeat.

Today was pretty easy given the workload. I got a few more pages done on the project, and I currently stand at 60% done. Back at it tomorrow.

On doing stand-up

2008-05-03T10:43:00.003-05:00

On Wednesday, I went up for my second time doing stand-up. It went a lot smoother this time. A little too smooth. The thing is, on open mic night, you get four minutes. This posed a challenge for me because (and anyone who has read this blog can tell) I'm not really good at putting a limit on my words. My writing process has had to adapt to this new format.

Most of it stays the same. I start with the basic subject. Then, I make a list of items I want to cover. I make a list of what I find funny about them. Now comes the hard part for my writing style: Whittling it down.

It's gotten easier the more I do it, but there's still the factor of time. Four minutes. What I've learned the hard way is that on stage, Earth time goes completely out the window. I've written and performed two different sets, and both times I've practiced it over and over again in the car, at home, during smoke breaks at work and I had both sets I had perfectly timed to fill those four minutes. When I'm on stage, I get a light from the back of the room telling me I have thirty seconds left. If that light flashes again, it means I've gone over those four minutes.

The first time I went up, I finished my set just after the first light. The second time, I was at a handicap. I had a bit that required a small sight gag that I knew wasn't gonna work well while wearing my glasses, so I was more or less blind to any light I got from the back. I finished my prepared set, and made my exit. What I was sure was a solid four minutes turned out to be 3:20 in stage time. The remedy is simple, I need to work on some optional filler material.

I've decided that I'm gonna write material for at least two more sets before I start repeating myself. I'm still trying to find my schtick. As I get more comfortable being on stage, it'd be easier for me to work on that. As it stands, my nervousness on stage still shows, and I've found myself delivering my lines kinda deadpan, which thankfully works with the material. The sight gag worked differently than I thought it would, but it worked nonetheless.

Working on new material, I realize that each joke falls under one of four categories:

It's funny because it's true.
It's funny because I'm exaggerating.
It's funny because I'm lying my ass off.
That sounded a lot funnier in my head (usually not discovered until performed in front of a crowd).

So far, I've covered having hippy parents, getting over the flu, my greatest fears in life, addiction to television and crime scene investigators. I want to work on more personal stuff, like relationships...because, let's face it, most of my past relationships = comic goldmine. The challenge in writing that material is trying not to sound too bitter. I like to think I've moved past all that, but I run the risk of my funny time to turn into some sort of a pity party.

Due to my increasingly hectic work schedule over the next month, I'm gonna step away from stand-up for a few weeks. I could make the time, but I'd be too prone to just bitch about work in my act. Plus, being sleep-deprived would kinda screw with my energy on stage, don't you think?

Amazing

2008-04-25T21:26:00.002-05:00

I witnessed something truly remarkable today. I had to stop by this one check-cashing place today to pay my gas bill. The guy in line in front of me was waiting for approval for his payday advance loan. All the while, he's flirting with the girl behind the counter, and even managed to get her phone number.

That, my friends, is a man of confidence. He's not gonna let the fact that he's broke as hell get in the way of getting laid.

I left that place filled with hope.

Brief update

2008-04-07T20:39:00.002-05:00

Posts are gonna be few and far between until at least June, as the busy season is ramping up at work. Plus, I have a lot more items on my social calendar, and I've developed quite an addiction to Facebook.

The stakes are a bit higher this year at work. The big project of the year is gonna be bigger, plus my support team of ONE PERSON is strictly part-time. Oh well, tons of overtime just in time for a new car payment.

Speaking of which, the truck is giving me many more kicks in the ass to get something new in the vehicle department. I don't know why, but it seems that every time that truck breaks down is on a Thursday night (which assures me that it'll be in the shop all the following weekend), and also when I'm on my way home from the grocery store (assuring possible spoilage of anything perishable).

So, this weekend I was dependent on others for transportation, when I wasn't doing some serious spring cleaning at home. This place is nearly sterile. All I have left is to put up my clothes and some dishes and I will have a spic-and-span homestead.

And now, I have to cut this post short, as there is a huge thunderstorm building outside, and I gotta power this computer down.

Fritschie: Comedian

2008-03-26T21:58:00.003-05:00

Tonight, I made good on my resolution to do something incredibly scary. In fact, it scared the living shit out of me until the moment I stepped up and did it. Now, I can say that I have done stand-up comedy.

For the past few weeks, I've been taking part in my friend Corey's stand-up workshop. Mostly, I've been observing the process of writing, performing, polishing and performing it better. I've been writing my material, practicing in the car, getting notes from the folks in workshop, and getting everything committed to memory.

Tonight, I put my name on the list. There were three people with reserved slots on open mic night, and all those who were left drew numbers for the remaining four slots (#4-#7). Given the number of comics drawing numbers, I thought my chances for a reprieve were pretty good.

I got slot number #5. Time to cowboy up, Fritschie!

I went outside and chain smoked until the show began. I tried my damnedest to recalll what I used to do in high school drama to ease my nerves and overcome stage fright. Nothing was coming to mind. I went over my act in my head and made sure I had it all down pat.

The first two comedians got up and did a great job. They got the crowd fired up. My nerves were settling quite a bit. Then the third comic got up and...Dear God, he was awful. The silence from the audience actually seemed like negative noise, in that it absorbed any and all sound in the room. It was death. I thanked my lucky stars that I didn't have to immediately follow that guy, but I needed a miracle to get the crowd back to laugh mode.

The emcee pulled it off, and the next comic brought everyone back in our favor. I stood by the stage waiting for my time, and my knees started to shake uncontrollably. When my name was called, I took one step on the stage, and all my nervous energy shifted into the sarcastic vibe I needed for the act.

I joked about growing up in Arkansas with pseudo-hippie parents, smoking pot, having the flu and Nyquil, and it went amazingly well. Practicing these bits, I had it all down to a trim four minutes, but in delivering it on stage, I got it all in at 3:45. I kinda choked on my closer, but overall, I did great...enough to want to do it again and again.

Now, I'm making the point to write one joke per day and try to polish them up into future bits. This is gonna get interesting.

Busy busy busy

2008-03-20T17:39:00.002-05:00

16 days since my last post..a new record. I've been kinda swamped. Here are the highlights:

- I've joined a stand-up workshop, and my debut as a comedian should be coming up in the next couple weeks. I'm just taking my time right now, getting a feel for writing the material, and practicing like mad so that my first set will go a smoothly as possible. More on this as it develops.

- Work is ramping up for the busy season, and all of the usual clients are starting to get anxious. Fortunately, I have a new assistant, and a new company policy that dictates that whomever wrote up the order is to be the main contact with the client. So, that buys me some time to get some work done.

- One last round of publicity for the art show. We sold a second piece, and we're planning a silent auction for the last full night of the show. How's this for perfect: That night is not only midnight movie night with Wild At Heart, but earlier in the evening, they'll be showing the new George Romero zombie flick Diary of the Dead. The auction begins at 9:00 and bids will be accepted until just before midnight. I'll be going in to OklaTravelNet for another segment on the show and to plug the auction. I'm hoping to have this go out with a bang.

- I helped out at Arnie's Bar for St. Patrick's Day. It was a two-night event; Saturday and Monday. Saturday, I worked the front door until we reached capacity, at which point I was stationed at the back door making sure not to let anyone in until someone else exited. Monday, I was at the main gate outside keeping people from leaving with alcohol. It was an exhausting experience, and I had to be a real asshole to a lot of people, but I was commended for being more diplomatic than most people would have been in my position.

Monday night was particular fun just seeing how many phrases I could come up with in lieu of no alcohol beyond this point. The ones I was particularly proud of were "Kill it or spill it!", "Down it or dump it!", "Chug it or chuck it!" and "Toss it back or toss it out!"

- Tonight, I'm still undecided on going to Arnie's. I've been out every night for the past week, and the sleep debt is building up interest. I may go down for a short while, but if i do, I gotta stay home tomorrow night and get some sleep.

In the meantime, Lost is on in five, four, three, two, one...

Bad grades all around

2008-03-04T21:27:00.002-06:00

I tend to grade the people I deal with on a daily basis. I base my grade on their ability to carry themselves through their daily lives, and their ability to make reasonable, intelligent and logical choices. There are bonus points for inspiring others to better themselves, as well as demerits for being a dumbass or an asshole. The Dalai Lama ranks in the high 90's, while Bill O'Reilly barely even registers.

Sure, this kinda paints a portrait of me as an elitist snob, but please keep in mind that I grade myself somewhere around 70%.

My point in telling you this (and by you I mean the 18 people a day that actually read my little diatribes), is that it's just a flimsy pretext to convey to you the kind of people I have had to deal with for the past few days; the average grade seems to be around 20%. Of course, I could just say that people are fucking stupid, but I've never been a traveler of the path of least resistance.

Yesterday, I had to deal with a man who, to put it lightly, couldn't find his own ass with a map, both hands and a sherpa. The man has been to our office five times, and has had to call for directions every time. Incidentally, the man is a minister. Not to say that all men of the cloth are this absent-minded, but it made me laugh to think that while it is commendable to give one's life to the Lord, I don't think basic memory skills were part of the contract.

Anyway, the guy nitpicked his most recent job to death. No detail was insignificant, something always had to be wrong, and it was his duty to find it. We went over everything with this guy, from paper stock, to ink colors, to fonts...everything. We proofed it on the computer monitor, black and white prints, color prints, email... making dozens of little tweaks along the way... on a business card. We finally got the layout approved, we got the cards printed, he signed for them, paid his bill and left.

Yesterday, he called back wanting to print them again, with more changes, and he wanted them done for free. They just weren't what he had in mind, and apparently, it was my fault. Nevertheless, he's gonna keep and use the old cards. This is equivalent to going to Wal-Mart, buying a full cart load of things you know you don't want, and instead of returning the items or not paying for them in the first place, you just leave the items at home and kick the greeter in the nuts. GRADE: 15%

There was another job that was proofed at least a dozen times, by six different people, over the course of two months, and the mistakes weren't noticed until it was printed and handed out to at least 200 people. Each person who looked at this thing had control over their own segment of brochure, and each person is an intelligent person I've worked with before, but no one looked at any other part. So, details got overlooked. Gee, I want to be on a committee someday, just so I can be forgiven of the responsibility of reading every thing that gets put in front of me. GRADE: (Individuals on average) 80%, (as a committee) 10%

Today at lunch, I hit the drive-thru at Braums for a bacon cheeseburger combo. The fries were still frozen in the center and a crucial part of the burger was missing... namely the burger patty. I'm glad I got impatient and decided to try and eat on the way back to the office. That way, I just had to backtrack about a block to return the iced potatoes and the worst BLT on the planet. The trainee who made the food just giggled. GRADE: 12%

On the way back home tonight, a man made a right turn at a busy intersection... from the left turn lane... on a red light... and had the nerve to be pissed at the person that hit him. GRADE: 2%

Playing online poker tonight, I wasn't paying attention to what buttons I was pressing, and went all in with an 8 high. I got beat by a pair of twos. GRADE: 1% if I was using a pay-to-play site, but thankfully I wasn't.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow, the grades will be higher.

Oh, TheraFlu, if we lived in Canada, I would make you my bride

2008-02-27T17:34:00.003-06:00

I've managed to avoid getting the flu for the past four years or so. That lucky streak came to a close this week. Headaches, body aches, congestion, spiked temp, the whole shebang! Monday and Tuesday I was functional enough to go into work. After all, as long as I can move my hands and focus my eyes, I can do my job on a basic level.

This morning was another matter. I felt like I had woken up on Jupiter. It took almost all of my strength to crawl into the living room and get the phone off the charger, and the rest of my energy to call in sick to work. I went back to bed and slept for another three or so hours.

Monday night I dipped into my stash of pre-psuedoephedrene-ban Nyquil, and I had myself a beautiful little nine-hour coma. Last night, I stopped by the store and bought a box of Theraflu and a box of Theraflu PM. The nighttime formula, sad to say, didn't do shit for me. I coughed and sneezed, tossed and turned until I eventually passed out from exhaustion.

This morning, after sleeping in, I stumbled out of bed at around 11:30. I lazily made myself some breakfast, stopping myself moments short of pouring grapefruit juice over my Cocoa Pebbles. I thought I'd give the daytime Theraflu a whirl. I drank down the medicine, took an extra long, extra hot shower...and when I got out, in the middle of drying my hair, THE THERAFLU KICKED IN! I FELT GREAT!!!

It was like that adrenaline shot scene from Pulp Fiction in liquid form. It was like mainlining B-12, espresso, crack cocaine and wheatgrass juice directly into my eyeballs. And I can't be certain of this, but I think I may have actually slowed the space/time continuum for a moment or two.

My symptoms were marginalized, my fever went away, and I was hyper as hell! Seriously, I don't think I blinked for three hours. I don't know what they put in that shit, but I'm shocked they let it out over-the-counter. I got dressed and went to work.

And boy, did I go to work. I nailed a full day's worth of work in about four hours. Naturally, productivity lagged a bit as the medicine started to wear off. Oh, well, it was the end of the work day, and I was hankering for a big bowl of soup and some time on the couch. So shall it be.

And fuck you too, universe!

2008-02-21T19:24:00.002-06:00

I try to make it a point to have two negative posts in a row, but this has been one shit-sucking week for me, and I need to vent.

WORK

Almost every job I've worked on this week has been kicked back to me by someone who has absolutely no idea what they're talking about...really stretching the credibility of the phrase "the customer is always right." It actually got me to the point that I almost inserted the words just approve the layout already, dickhead into some copy I was typesetting this morning. I also had to do a job today that the further I got into it, the more demeaning it felt. All I'll say is, some third-grader's getting an A in Geography.

VEHICLE

The truck has sprung a leak in thee cooling system. It's been like this for a while, but it's getting too much to coast by with a fresh dose of anti-freeze every week or so. A guy at work has diagnosed the problem and agreed to help me fix it. It's either the water pump or the water pump gasket going bad. But in order to fully diagnose the pump problem, we'll need to ruin the gasket getting it out. Plus, It's freezing cold and I can't just re-fill it with water until Sunday, when he's free to work on it.

And if the truck does wind up having to go into the shop, I'll need a different vehicle to drive in the meantime. Just the kick in the ass I need to get a new car and be rid of that truck for good. I went on my first test-drive today. I told the guy, I need a four-door sedan with a standard transmission, preferably foreign, and for around $10,000. What I would up test-driving was a Ford Focus, which I was ultimately told was way out of my price range. Oh, well, I wasn't expecting to sign on the line on the first shot.

LOVE LIFE

I got into a conversation last night with a girl I briefly dated about a year and a half ago, and it turns out she had recently met the woman I had dated right after her, and the gist of their conversation was about what I had told the second girl about the first girl. When I was asked if I had indeed said those things, I told the truth, that it was a long time ago, and I don't remember ever saying those things.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm no stranger to past and present girlfriend knowing one another and sometimes exchanging notes, but this was bordering on ridiculous. 31 years old, and suddenly I'm back in eighth grade.

As for the present, nothing new to report.

OVERALL

I'm feeling some pretty heavy burnout the past few days. To tell the truth, I've been itching to play Leaving Las Vegas: the home game. Oh, well, it's been a shit-sucking week and thank God it's Thursday.

So, this is the result of two million years of human evolution?

2008-02-17T22:17:00.003-06:00

They just had a report on the news about the latest trend for teenagers to get high: Choking each other into unconsciousness. I'm reminded about something Dennis Miller once said, you know, before he became a right wing nutjob. He said, "You could get get rid of all the drugs on the planet, and people will just start spinning around on the front lawn until they're too dizzy to stand up."

Wanna know the first word that came to my mind when I saw this report? Eugenics. Thinning the herd. Any kid dumb enough to willingly let a friend put them in a sleeper hold has a fairly good chance of not growing up to have kids of their own. I'm not advocating drug use for kids and teenagers, but there's gotta be some sort of statement to come out of this about our declining civilization when kids resort to cutting oxygen from their brains instead of asking around to see if anyone knows where they can score some pot?

And it's not too difficult to find some pot these days, is it? Not at all. Ask ten random people and I guarantee you at least one of them has a connection. See how well that war on drugs has worked out for us? Funny how I can find high grade weed when I apply myself, but thanks to government regulations, I can't find a cold medicine worth a damn when I'm actually sick!

I'm waiting for the PSA's on this choking thing. They'll start claiming that hugging is a gateway drug or some bullshit like that.

On the other hand, one good thing to potentially come out of this choking craze is the possibility that professional wrestling will be taken off the air due to its promoting of the choke hold. Because that's the first rule of government regulation of behavior: Go after the most famous person emulating that heinous act, regardless of how directly connected to the problem they may be, and let everything else fall through the cracks.

Thanks to Janet Jackson, we'll never see anyone under the age of fifty, or female for that matter, play another Super Bowl halftime show ever again...but we'll let Bret Michaels have his own reality show where he makes hot women play tackle football in the mud to win his affections. News pundits get to wag their fingers at people like Amy Winehouse for doing drugs before cutting to five commercials in a row for various prescription medications.

Think I'm blowing this a little out of proportion? Consider this: When they released the teaser trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie this past week, something seemed a bit odd. They came to the shot that revealed Indy's face for the first time, and there was a weird glitch in the belt/pants area of the guy standing next to him. Watch it, preferably the high-def version. It's the shot where Ray Winstone has his hands up and says, "This isn't gonna be easy."

SIDE NOTE: Trust me, this isn't the weirdest way I've ever tied a discussion back to Indiana Jones.

My first thought when I discovered this little glitch was that it was crappy internet video trying to catch up to my streaming speed. When it fully loaded, I played it back and the problem was still there. So, I then thought, bad digital composite rushed out to get the trailer done. A few message boards later, I found out something more sinister at foot...thanks to our ever on-the-ball friends at the MPAA Ratings Board.

You see, America has a sensitivity towards gun violence in our media. Plus, we're at war at the moment, so seeing American soldiers pointing guns at innocent people is a bit too much for audiences to handle, regardless of the context. So, this particular shot had to be retouched for release in American theaters. To confirm this, I watched the international version of the trailer. Here's a side-by-side for you, for further proof.See?!? Guns in the American release are pointed away from our hero(es)! Forgiving the fact that the movie is set in 1957, and rumor has it Indy and his sidekick have sneaked on to a top secret military base (Area 51 if the hardcore geeks are to be believed), having the guns in there was a little too much for us to swallow.

But yet, there is a film in theaters right now called Step Up 2 The Streets, where every ad, poster and trailer shows the same teenage girl in a skintight shirt dancing rather suggestively in the pouring rain. No word on whether the MPAA made them airbrush out what usually appears when a woman wears a skintight shirt in the rain, or if the filmmakers foresaw a problem and made the actress use a couple pieces of gaffer tape to avoid the controversy of impending extruding nipples.

Not that I would have a problem with that sort of thing. I for one am glad they didn't pass such notes when Kirsten Dunst was in that rainy alleyway in the trailer for the first Spider-man. Now, if I can just get Ms. Dunst to un-block my number.

My point is, it's one thing to call for sensitivity. If Janet Jackson's nipple means I have to listen to Tom Petty at the Super Bowl, so be it. It's something altogether different to insult our intelligence by unreasonable censorship. Having four guns drawn on Harrison Ford isn't gonna make someone go out and buy a fucking gun, nor is it gonna make the kids think trespassing on government installations seems like a cool idea.

Likewise, while it's commendable to talk to your kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and have them understand that to the point that they avoid using them, you might want to mention that having their friends take turns nearly strangling them to death is not a logical alternative. If they fail to grasp that obvious concept, like most addicts, maybe it's best to let them hit rock bottom before they realize how stupid they're being.

However, with this disturbing trend, we mustn't forget that this may add a little chlorine to the gene pool. Just sayin'!

Thanks a lot, Hallmark!

2008-02-13T18:08:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, perhaps one of the most divisive holidays on the calendar. From what I've seen over the years, people tend to respond to Valentine's Day with one of the four following emotions:

1) Excitement. These are the people who are really in love. For these people, it's a day full of flowers, candy, baby-talk and an almost full guarantee of red lace being almost immediately removed for a night of hot monkey jungle lovin'.

2) Dread. These people spend the day in fear that either their gifts and gestures will be judged poorly or rejected outright. I've been in this boat many times before by virtue of the not-that-sentimental girlfriends or crushes-that-were-just-that almost every year in the past.

3) Bitterness. I seem to be running into a lot of these people this year. 2008 has definitely been a year of change for many people in my life, and that has mostly fallen under the category of break-ups. These are also the people who are more excited about President's Day because at least then they'll be able to get a new mattress fairly cheap.

4) Confusion. Technically, this is a subcategory of dread. These kind of people are either at the larvae stage of a relationship, where they don't know if Valentine's is supposed to be an obligation... Or, they're just not sure if their established relationship is at a happy enough stage to warrant anything. At this point, it's too early or too late.

Personally, I kinda fall under Category 4. There's a girl I've been psuedo-dating, we know we like each other a lot, but we're both still trying to figure out where each other fits in to what we've each planned for our respective immediate futures. Those that know me know that, historically speaking, complicated and confusing seems to be my modus operandi on a basic level.

At least this time, we're communicating on the situation instead of bullshitting ourselves into thinking that every thing is going great until we ultimately realize it isn't. We have our ground rules, we have our eggshells, we each have walls that will have to come down... But thankfully, we're being honest about it, and most importantly, taking it slow.

I know I'll probably catch holy hell for posting this on my blog, but other than bitching about work, this is the only thing really going on in my life right now. I don't really write on this blog to satisfy all of my readers. This is, after all, journaling therapy for me, and if I don't get it out there, it'll rattle around in my head like a pinball until I go absolutely insane.

We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

2008-02-09T11:23:00.001-06:00

Personality of Cult has officially arrived! We even made it onto the marquee!
Six months ago, this was an idea in my head, and this week, it became a reality. The past week has been nothing short of complete terror gradually fading away to wonderful elation.

Wednesday night, when we were collecting the final pieces, I was on pins and needles. As each piece came in, I was blown away by what the artists have created. They really embraced this concept and knocked it out of the park. By the end of the night, we only had a couple of works left to be delivered in the morning before we started hanging.

My buddy Scott came up a day early to help out. I haven't seen him in person in a couple years, and it was like old times. With this art show causing so much stress over the past couple weeks, it was necessary for me to have the stabilizing element of my oldest and best friend at my side. We grabbed a late dinner and watched Cinematic Titanic, a much needed good laugh, before going to sleep.

Thursday morning, we got to the Circle bright and early for the live segment on NewsChannel 8's morning show. The segments went extremely well, even though watching it later, I realized just how many nervous ticks I have. I need to work on the whole nervously scratching my forehead thing before my next poker game.

We did two short segments in about an hour, and shortly after the first one was over, a guy showed up at the Circle wanting to talk with us about his idea for a motorcycle rally and was picking our brains on how to get it started. I gave the guy as much advice as I could about people he could talk to. He stuck around for a while, and was there for the opening show...really taking advantage of the free food.

We left for a bit to pick up our friend Corey and his (the final) piece for the show. We grabbed some burgers and finished up the hanging of the show. Later in the afternoon, we had to take care of the last three things before we were ready to open the show:

1) Music. We were borrowing Mary's iPod for the show, and the problems we had with the music was copying over the music I bought on iTunes. Mary's only stipulation with the iPod was that we must NOT register the iPod on whatever computer we used. So, all that purchased music needed to be burned to CD, taken to another computer, ripped to MP3s and copied over the old fashioned way.

2) Title Cards. We stopped by my office to use the laser printer and dry mounted them to some thicker paper.

3) Food. I had ordered three huge party trays on Tuesday and picked them up Thursday afternoon. I decided against getting a fruit ray and do it myself, saving a few bucks in the process.

We were done around six, ready for the crowd.

People started pouring in. I was nervous as hell. We had not done any mailing for the opeing, instead relying on word of mouth and Myspace. We had nearly 150 people over the course of the night, everyone having an absolute blast. Around eight, I addressed the audience. I introduced myself, and asked that at the count of three everyone SMILE!

For three hours, I was meeting and greeting. I celebrated with the artists, met many new ones who are dying to be in the next one. Channel 6 came by to film the art and the crowd. And, I did all of this without a single drop of alcohol.

We were a bonafide hit! People loved the art, loved the concept, and we are now clear to proceed with Personality of Cult 2: Electric Boogaloo. Plus, the response may just help us land some sponsorship.

When we stopped by my place for a moment earlier in the day, Corey noticed my novelty clapboard, and suggested we mark it up for the show. It wound up being my favorite souvenir from that evening. At the end of the night, I addressed the crowd one more time, holding up the clapboard, "Ladies and gentlemen! Personality of Cult: Exhibit One is a wrap! Cut, print, check the gate!"

Fritschie good

2008-01-29T21:11:00.000-06:00

Today, I came the closest I've come to giving up on challenges I set up for myself. Note: I didn't. Mostly because I knew deep down that I was freaking out over what amounted to nothing. Been there before, and odds are I'll be there again.

Oddly enough, the thing that I chose to distract myself with was something else that normally would send me into an anxiety attack of gargantuan proportions. But, I went forth, despite the nagging instinct to freak out. No, tonight, I defied my gut feeling. I turned off the rest of the world as best I could, and in the end, I felt more like my ideal self than I have in years, if not ever before.

It feels really good to impress yourself. Restraint has always been a problem for me. Reserved is never a word to describe a guy like me. I am the reason candy bars are next to the register, and the reason every casino has an ATM. I've never been one to take just one bite of dessert. Tonight, I feel I walked away ahead and am a better man for it.

I sure as hell don't exactly know what is in store for me. All I really know is this: I'm not scared, and tonight, I had the best coffee ever.

Weekend Update

2008-01-27T21:12:00.000-06:00

FRIDAY

I spent the majority of the day on Friday cleaning up my office. Yes, it was that slow. In the evening I went to a friend's birthday party and had a blast. I wound up staying out until around five, with the last hour or so spent at Village Inn. That skillet breakfast and two cups of coffee has thrown my metabolism off all weekend. Aside from the energy issues, it was a great time.

SATURDAY

Slept in until noon, then spent most of the afternoon tracking down this one specific CD, which I found about three and a half hours. Then, I helped my friend Mary with her piece for my art show.

After dinner with Mary and her family, I headed down to the Nightingale Theatre to see Justin McKean's Born Again Yesterday, a one-man show about being a recovering fundamentalist Christian. It was a great show, unapologetic, extremely funny and profound in pointing out the big difference between the truth and what we're all told to be the truth. My recovering Catholic father would've loved it.

The midnight movie at the Circle was the Road Warrior: Mad Max 2. I haven't seen this movie in ages, and it was awesome. Someone really needs to strap Michael Bay to a chair, prop his eyes open a la Clockwork Orange, and force him to watch everything George Miller has ever done. Here's a guy that not only knows how to dazzle the audience, but knows how to do it without a overblown special effects budget.

I got home around two, but couldn't fall asleep until three, thanks to the jumbo Cherry Coke I got at the theater. I only got about three hours sleep because...

SUNDAY

Seven A.M. It's about 35 degrees outside, and we're heading to a cemetery to set up a photo shoot for my art show, this one inspired by Nightmare Before Christmas. Ironic, getting up at dawn to do a piece based on a film that takes place at night.

Fortunately, the artist/model was freezing her ass off in her costume, so we had to move quickly so we could go get some coffee. Shots turned out great!

Today, I've been taking my jolly freaking time cleaning up around here. I gotta have some friends over tomorrow night to take care of some more art show stuff, and I've pretty much reserved myself to the idea of doing a ninety mile an hour cram everything in the closet session before they come over. Bullet over the band aid.

Now, I must go to bed.

I hope there's this much fuss when I die

2008-01-23T18:26:00.000-06:00

Heath Ledger is dead. Another promising young actor, gone long before his time. I must admit, I was shocked. More shocked than I usually am when I hear someone younger than me has just passed away. By age 28, Ledger had managed to stack up the kind of film roles that most actors only dream of having, and he made every one of them honest and natural...an ultra rare talent these days.

It will be difficult this summer to watch The Dark Knight, and Ledger's performance as the Joker, and not get that same odd feeling I had when I first saw Brandon Lee in The Crow. Even sadder was the report today that before his death, Ledger had signed on for the next Batman film as well.

However, in the 28 hours since the first report of his death, my shock and sadness has been officially replaced with disgusted rage. No more than three hours after his body was discovered, I heard the first "I guess he finally found out how to quit you" joke from someone on the net. That joke was apparently repeated by John Gibson on Fox News this morning. Gee, to see it as a reposted Myspace bulletin is one thing, but to say it on national TV with a smirk on your face is the sign of the ultimate douchebag.

Even more upsetting was this press release. Yep, the Westboro Baptists are at it again. First, they picketed AIDS victims' funerals, then the funerals of soldiers killed in the Middle East, all because they believe that these people deserved death because our country embraces homosexuality. Now, they plan to protest the funeral of an actor who once portrayed a gay man in a movie we know they never watched. Gee, you know your rage is disjointed when it makes Ann Coulter look focused and reasonable.

So, is this a new sub-category for the Westboro Baptists: Straight actors who played gay? Will they one day be protesting the funerals of Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Steve Zahn, Willem Dafoe, Robert De Niro, Bruce Willis (although, to be fair, his character in the Jackal was bi), Kevin Spacey, William Hurt, Kevin Bacon, Tommy Lee Jones, Joe Pesci, Patrick Stewart, Al Pacino, Will Smith, Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, Keanu Reeves, Tom Cruise, Robert Downey Jr., Tobey Maguire, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Matt Damon, The Rock, Jude Law, Michael Caine, Colin Farrell, Forest Whittaker, etc.? Please keep in mind, this list was compiled with help from Internet Movie Database...I'm not a scholar in this field.

Hell, I've often joked about popping open champagne the day both of the Wayans brothers are dead, but I at least have a somewhat logical reason: They not only acted in some of the worst movies ever made, but also wrote and produced them.

And the rumor is that Ledger had pill bottles around his apartment. Does that automatically mean he died of an overdose? No, it doesn't. There was even a report today that a twenty dollar bill found near his body tested negative for cocaine. The autopsy report was inconclusive, and the toxicology report will take at least ten more days. Can we withhold judgment, please? Or, at the very least, stop speculating until all the facts are in? Sweet Jesus, his body hasn't even left the morgue, much less been buried in the ground!

So much for resting in peace!

Another great Saturday

2008-01-20T10:18:00.000-06:00

It's been a busy week. The day job has been just fine, but the art show has been coming up pretty fast. I've been in heavy promotions mode, and I'll have much more to report on that as things develop. Suffice to say, I'm gonna be jugging a lot of things these next couple of weeks: Getting the artists' stuff together, getting my own stuff together, Meeting and greeting, etc.

Yesterday was the first day I was able to step away from all of this stuff. I went to do laundry in the morning, which was nice considering this was the first time the laundromat wasn't completely packed on a Saturday morning. When I got home, I checked the movie showtimes, and booked it to the theater to catch a matinee of Cloverfield.

I would write a long review of this film, seeing as I really, really liked it, but I won't. I will however, give you this list of precautions to take if and when you see it:

1. Take some dramamine and or avoid sitting in the front half of the theater. This film is shot entirely from the perspective of a video camera being manned by a character who admits to having no clue how to operate it.

2. Don't get anything from the snack bar, because A) you might get so queasy that you won't want to eat or drink anything, and B) this film works best if you have nothing around you to remind you about the real world. Plus, I saw it alone, so that helped.

3. Do yourself a favor and don't nitpick it while you're watching it. Just let yourself go and allow yourself to get sucked into it. Sure, the guy should've just dropped the camera and ran away at full speed, but where would the movie had gone from there? Would you watch an hour and a half of a monster tearing up NYC if the camera had filmed it on its side in the gutter?

4. Take your time leaving the theater. The music playing over the end credits is pretty cool...Plus, you're gonna need the time to get over some mild vertigo.

5. Don't bitch about the title. If you see it, then I dare you to try and come up with something better.

6. Completely forget about The Blair Witch Project. Comparing it to Cloverfield is like comparing apples and oranges...only in this case the apple is still an apple and the orange is 25 stories tall, really pissed off, impervious to all of our weaponry and will fucking eat you.

AS soon as I got home from the movie, I immediately got a call from Mary, Amy and Andey asking me to come over and hang out/help them with cleaning out Mary's "big room". When I got there, they were all drunk from the wine left over from Mary's birthday party on Friday. I stayed, had a couple of drinks and we all pretty much gave up on cleaning.

Once we sobered up, we went to Shiloh's for dinner. Usually, a family diner like this makes up for the bad quality of the food by dealing it out in volume, but in this case it was really fucking good food in huge portions....sorta like the culinary equivalent of a down comforter. We waddled out of the restaurant feeling a helluva lot better emotionally. Physically, we felt like we were gonna explode.

I got back to my truck and got back on the road just in time to make it to the final act of my friend Corey's Lord of the Rings marathon. The Return of the King really helped with the digestion. We wrapped up the movie around one and shot the shit until around two. I went home and fell right asleep. Found my keys in the door this morning.

The Writer's Strike

2008-01-16T18:18:00.000-06:00

When it comes to the writer's strike, I definitely side with the writers. When their last contact was being negotiated, no one foresaw the huge boom in technology (internet streaming, DVD sales skyrocketing, etc.) that would allow the studios to hoard that much more of the percentages. I think the strike was a really good idea, albeit really poorly timed.

Many of the best prime time shows in my time were lacking in quality this season before the strike began. Heroes' second season could've started out much better than it did, and it was just starting to gather a little bit of steam before they had to wrap up the storylines abruptly and tack together an eleventh hour finale before the strike. CSI: started a subplot that I was so sure to set up a bad outcome for one of the characters in the season finale that I made a bet with a co-worker of mine that I lost when the final episode of this short season aired last week. 24's and Lost's new seasons are only half done, with the former waiting on the shelf and the latter airing until they run out of fully produced episodes.

On the good side, the strike crippled the Golden Globes, and most people preferred the press conference format to the three hour plus circle-jerk snoozefest it usually is. The same result happening to the Grammys would be far from a tragedy for most. Hell, the Oscars have been falling so far in the ratings these past few years that other networks don't even bother with re-runs anymore.

But is there anything the writers can do to actually prove their worth? I mean, they protested the premiere of Alvin and the Chipmunks, for Christ's sake! Does anyone honestly believe a movie like that was written on anything other than cocktail napkins? And you would think that professional writers could come up with better sign slogans and picket line chants than what they have now.

Plus, this is the studio dump season, that period of time between the Oscar gold rush and the summer blockbusters where the studios drop the films they've either had on the shelves for three years or couldn't market any other time of year. Case in point: Meet the Spartans.

Meet the Spartans are the latest spoof movie from "writers" Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, whose previous credits include Spy Hard, Scary Movie 1-4, Date Movie and Epic Movie. That's right, their last SIX screen credits have the word "Movie" in the title! All of these films put together are the equivalent of manning a shift at Blockbuster where all the teenage stoner employees formed an improv troupe. If there was any justice in this world, the Writer's Guild should have have these guys face a firing squad manned by Harold Pinter, John Milius, Robert Towne and David Mamet.

And the studios and networks aren't even flinching. The studios already have their big 2008 blockbusters in post-production, and the networks have a whole crop of reality shows set to run in the meantime. Personally, I can't wait for Touching a Hot Stove for Cash, Truth or Waterboarding and Where's Your Antidote?. That should hold the American audiences for a while, until they re-discover books.

Press Release

2008-01-14T21:32:00.000-06:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Tulsa artists take on cult classic cinema with Personality of Cult

TULSA, OK – January 7, 2008 – Circle Cinema will be presenting Personality of Cult, an exhibit of works by Tulsa area artists inspired by their favorite cult classic films. The show will be on display from February 8 through March 30, 2008 in the lobby of Circle 2, 12 South Lewis in Tulsa.

Twenty-three artists will be participating in the exhibit, each bringing their own unique visions of such classic films as Rocky Horror Picture Show, Night of the Living Dead, Blade Runner, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and many more in a wide array of media, including paint, pen and ink, photography, ceramics, etc..

"These kinds of films are deeply ingrained in our popular culture." said Dan Fritschie, organizer of the exhibit. "Even someone who claims to have never seen one of them are at the very least familiar with their iconic imagery, and can see its influence on other films, TV shows, music and books. Our goal with Personality of Cult is to show these classic films from a different point of view; from an artist's perspective."

An opening event for the exhibit will take place the evening of February 7, starting at 7:00 p.m.

The Circle Cinema first opened on Sunday, July 15, 1928. It is the only remaining historical movie theatre in the City of Tulsa. The Circle Cinema mission is to create community consciousness through film. Construction continues toward the July 15, 2008, opening of the next two screens, celebrating the Circle’s 80th birthday.

CONTACT:

Dan Fritschie, organizer
324 West 13, #3
Tulsa, OK 74119
Telephone: (918) 519-6593
personalityofcult@yahoo.com

# # #

Cable's back!

2008-01-09T18:55:00.001-06:00

One month after the ice storm, I finally have everything back to normal. I got my cable and internet back tonight.

Books have been read, DVDs have been watched, CD's have been listened to. But those days are over. I have cable again. No more trips to the office to check my email. No more getting my news solely from NPR. I can finally get my TV fix.

Not that it means a whole helluva lot, what with the writer's strike and all. Oh, well...

At least I can get back into following the political races again. I was pleased with the outcome in Iowa, but a bit confounded by New Hampshire. Is it just me, or do all of the front-running Republican candidates look like the bad guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark? Huckabee looks like he's melting, McCain looks like he's drying out, Romney's head is about to explode... The Democrats, on the other hand, haven't garnered a pop culture comparison in my mind. Yet.

Latest News

2008-01-06T16:17:00.000-06:00

It has now been four weeks and the cable is still out at home. The TV shows I'm missing I could give a rat's ass about, it's the internet that the problem. I do a lot of shit on the internet and it's driving me crazy butting heads with th cable company.

I decided not to call to get the cable lines fixed until after I got power back, since it would be pointless to get the cable back on and have no power to do anything with it. So, when I first called, I got put at the back of a really long list. That, I understood.

I called back about a week later to try to get an update, and it turns out my service order got lost in the shuffle. So, I got to the back of the line AGAIN!

The third time, the operator had the nerve to tell me my service was back on, when I was looking directly at the wires still on the ground! Their computers said it was fixed, it wasn't, so I got put back on the list, and that it would be back on by Thursday afternoon.

Thursday night, the line was still down, and I called them again. This time they told me that someone was working on the line at that very moment. Being on a cell phone allowed me to walk outside and down the block...to see that no one was even in the neighborhood working on the cable lines. So I called them on their bullshit again.

Friday night, I called back, only to be told that I wouldn't get anyone in my area until Sunday afternoon. On Saturday afternoon, a cherry picker showed up and reattached the cale line back to the pole. Still, no cable service to my apartment.

This afternoon was my scheduled service appointment, which consisted of a technician coming to my door and informing me that there's a break somewhere down the line that's preventing any signal from making it to my apartment. This break may be down the block, down the street, or the whole damned system is screwed up...like I needed any further evidence of that.

The good news is, they're working on it, and it turns out my downstairs neighbor works for their billing department, so I may not only get a prorated bill, but a discount on future service.

Fingers crossed. In the meantime, I'm at the office checking my email, fixing to get some groceries and maybe catch a show at the Nightingale tonight.

Quick Update

2007-12-30T17:19:00.000-06:00

Cable's still down at home, and by all accounts, won't be back on for a few more days. So, I'm coming into the office for a bit to check email, do some stuff for the art show and check some of my regular websites.

The posters for the Personality of Cult art show are now up around Tulsa, but there's a lot more left to do to promote this thing. I guess I got so caught up in the coolness of this little cult classic art show idea that I forgot to calculate a budget for promotions and, you know, raise money. Note to self: Charge an entry fee next time!

Speaking of cult classics, I used up some gift cards and got myself a few DVDs the other night. I had set out to get the 5-disc Blade Runner Deluxe Set and the Futurama movie, but they were sold out of both. So, I wound up getting the 4-disc Blade Runner set, and with the money I saved there, I got The Ghostbusters 1 & 2 set, Enter the Dragon and Dr. Strangelove. That should keep the Cable TV withdrawals to a minimum.

Friday night I went to see Rocky Horror at the Circle Cinema midnight movie. It was a blast! I had never been, and I managed to keep myself from being outed as a "virgin". I found it amazing that with an event with so many rules of conduct, that it could get that crazy. It was organized chaos, and it was awesome! I did, however, have to dig a couple of grains of rice out of my ear canal afterwards, but that was the only after-effect.

Last night was Hosty Duo at Arnie's Bar AND my friend Heather's birthday. It was a really good show, even though the crowd was a little bit rough. A few people had to be held back before a fight could break out. But hey, most of those folks were from out-of-town, and didn't really know that Arnie's is, for the most part, a peaceful kind of joint. Another thing I noticed is that at least half of the crowd was probably not even born yet when the Space Shuttle Challenger blew up. I gotta just accept the fact that I'm getting older.

Another thought I had last night was that I think I'm reaching the point where it's getting pretty sad to close down a bar and going home alone. Most of my friends that were there with me all had this air about them that they could have another drink, get a little crazier, because they had someone to drive them home. Meanwhile, I had to do my usual thing where I monitor my buzz, cut myself off and prepare myself to drive home. Oh well, another thing for me to work on.

Holiday

2007-12-24T19:14:00.001-06:00

I made it through the ice storm. I made it through the power outage. The only thing that was left was for me to get through the delayed freaking out those two little situations bring. It's a little annoying part of my coping mechanism. I wait to completely break down until there's no longer a reason to break down.

It hasn't been all that bad, but with everything else going on in my life all I've wanted to do is sit in my living room and stare at a lit light bulb. But, it's the holidays, so of course, it busy busy busy.

I got to go home early on Friday afternoon and take a much needed nap. That night, ben.ben. was playing downtown, and I got my name on the guest list. I had never heard them play before. It was really good. It was a themed art show/performance art kinda thing. Frank Zappa would have been proud. I really appreciated the performance, almost as much as I did laughing at the folks who had no idea what was going on. Too bad I got tired and pooped out after the first show. I needed to get some more sleep.

Saturday, I slept in for a bit...one of those mornings that you just wanna stay in bed, until the urge to pee gets too great to ignore. So, I got up and started cleaning up the last of the remains of Ice Storm Slob Fest '07. I started by just taking care of the trash and straightening up a bit. It quickly grew in scope to a rearranging of the living room. It was a long time coming, truth be told.

Saturday night was the tacky holiday sweater party at Andey and Pete's house. I didn't have anything particularly tacky, and the ice storm pretty much zapped out my kitschy thrift store budget (if I ever had one to begin with). So, I just threw on my only patterned sweater. People complimented me on my tacky sweater, which kinda hurt me because I wear it quite often. Oh, well.

Sunday was the drive to Little Rock to the folks' house. Four hours with the radio off and nothing but the thoughts I've needed to sort out. It was cathartic. I got to the house with enough time to rest before dinner and presents. My mom got me a few books I've had on my list for a while, plus the new Eagles CD, which I've wanted to buy really bad, but not bad enough to venture to Wal-Mart to get it.

Monday was my day to veg out. We got a visit from my sister-in-law's sister and her husband. He brought his Wii, and we all played around with it for a little bit. He could've just as well give me a small hit of heroin, because now I want a Wii more than ever! Gotta be smart. Car first, then we'll see about the new game system. Adulthood really sucks sometimes.

Tonight, I made a point to go see my brother and his family before they headed out to a dinner party down the street. They kept trying to get me to go with them, even having me help them carry stuff over to the party and introducing me to a few people. I made every excuse I could to leave, because I wasn't feeling that sociable and felt it better to spend time with my family, even if it's just to chat a bit during the Christmas Story marathon on TBS.

Tomorrow, I make my way back to Tulsa, with a couple holiday visits along the way. it really doesn't feel like I've lived the four day holiday to the fullest and completely recharged my batteries, but no worries. I've got another four-day holiday coming up next weekend.

I have the power

2007-12-19T18:13:00.000-06:00

Nine days. Nine fucking days without electricity. I got it back yesterday at 4:12 pm. Cable's still out, but that's why I have DVD's.

Night before last, I cleaned out the fridge. Sweet zombie Jesus, was it nasty. Having to clean it by candlelight wasn't much of a treat, either. At one point, I actually wondered, "When did I have rice in my refrigerator, and why are all of the grains moving?", but that may have been the bleach fumes directing that train of thought.

So now, I have all my laundry caught up, I have power, and everything is almost back to normal... until the next ice storm.

Still powerless

2007-12-16T14:01:00.001-06:00

Yet again, I'm at the office for my electricity and internet fix. My power at home is still out, and the earliest and most reliable estimate of getting power back is tomorrow or Tuesday.

Yesterday, I took some friends out to lunch and to see I Am Legend. There's nothing like watching a movie about the end of the world to take you mind off having no lights at home. All in all, it was a really good flick. I hate that special effects have gotten so good that I find myself distracted from the film wondering how the hell they did it.

Another thing that I found fascinating about the film is that they made Will Smith's character a Bob Marley fan. It's explained later on in the movie and it makes perfect sense in the end, but still, it was a strange choice for the character starting out. This subplot also allowed for one of my all-time favorite songs to be played during the end credits. Which song? Go see the damn movie!

I only wish I had gone to see it at the IMAX. Where I saw it, there was a trailer for The Dark Knight, but at the IMAX, there was a six minute preview. I found some camera phone footage online and I got the gist of it, but man, that preview is gonna be cool seeing it first-hand. WHo knows, I could possibly see I Am Legend again real soon.

In the meantime, I'm off to go pay some bills. It would suck to get my electricity back just to have it shut off again. Of course, in my defense, it's kinda hard to find your bills when the lights are out.

Movie Poster Oddities

2007-12-13T18:50:00.000-06:00

I spent a few minutes on one of my favorite movie sites, and I've noticed a few weird trends in poster design:

The Black & White Alternating Backgrounds, Title in Color, Brooding Intensity...
The Hint, Hint, Guys! It's a Date Movie, And You Best Buy Her Some Roses Beforehand...The Hero in Deep Thought Stance...
Finally, the Silhouetted Guy on the Horizon with Muted/Duo-toned Background, a.k.a the "Private Ryan"

Powerless

2007-12-13T18:12:00.000-06:00

Just in case you were wondering, yes, I was affected by the ice storm here. I have been without power for the past four days (I'm at the office right now). There are trucks in my neighborhood as of five this evening, but I couldn't tell if they were to fix the lines or trim the tree branches back. The best estimate I've heard is that all of Tulsa will be back to full power by about Tuesday.

I'm more fortunate than most, in that I have gas heat and hot water. So far, I've only been able to spend about an hour by candlelight before screaming "FUCK THIS!" and drive down to orders for coffee/listen to the preview CD's/magic marker the Bill O'Reilly books. The past few nights I've spent time with friends who have electricity, then went home to sleep in my own bed.

Here are some of the highlights of the week.

- Monday night, the storm was still going on, and I had the pleasure of driving past a transformer just as it blew. It took about an hour for my hearing and the ability to control the volume of my voice to regulate itself again.

- We all played Star Wars Monopoly for most of Monday night. a few minutes in, we lost power to half of the house...easily fixed by extension cords from the powered side. The game ended as 99.9% of all Monopoly games end, with everyone starting to take drastic measures to build up every property before abandoning it after about an hour. I got home a little after one.

- Tuesday night, Amy got her power back, so we all huddled at her place, had a home cooked meal and watched a double feature of the Blues Brothers and Stranger Than Fiction.

- On the way home, I got pulled over. Strangely enough, for doing 30 in a 35 MPH zone. The irony is that the cop first yelled at me, "Do you not think the rules apply to you?!?" The cop chewed me out for going too fast on slick streets, and I have a sneaking suspicion he never even ran my license when he went back to his car. I had, in my nervousness, gave him my old insurance card (not this year's), and he never asked me about the whole Oklahoma license/Arkansas tags thing, as every cop who's pulled me over in the past three years has immediately done. I think the cop just wanted to vent.

- Last night was Little Miss Sunshine at Amy's place, followed by a long talk about anything and everything. Home by eleven.

- Today, I made the mistake of driving around near Promenade Mall. The mall has power, but the traffic lights are still out. Holiday shoppers, one car at a time, through every intersection within a mile radius. I coped by sitting there and circling the people I hated around me, one by one...which was pretty much everyone.

- Now, I'm at the office, taking advantage of the satellite TV to watch CSI:. Fortunate that this whole mess happened during a writer's strike. I have one episode of one more show left before they run out of new stuff. After that, I'll be heading to the bar for a couple beers and back home to sleep.

2007-12-09T18:30:00.000-06:00

Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of freezing you ass off, with continued mostly shitty throughout the night, followed by wildly scattered "fuck, I'm staying in bed" in the morning.

Things you'll probably never see, yet still a remote possibility

2007-12-08T19:35:00.000-06:00

A mime riding a pony.

A Segway with a baby seat.

A wet burka contest.

Sir Mix-A-Lot testifying before Congress.

Michael Bay sincerely using the word subtle.

9/11: The Musical!

Diet whisky.

A USB-powered smoke machine.

Clouds on fire.

A TV drama about a hard-drinking insurance adjuster...who doesn't play by the rules.

Barry Bonds Day.

Star Wars: The Definitive Final Cut.

Celine Dion covering Iron Maiden.

Scented motor oil.

A Hummer H3 with a Reduce, Reuse, Recycle bumper sticker parked next to a Pinto with neon effects.

Bill O'Reilly in the middle of a 7-11 anxiously waiting on a microwave burrito.

A DMV clerk shotgunning a Red Bull.

Edible High-def DVDs.

A Stocks and Bonds section on Craigslist.

A Dick Cheney kitten calendar.

Numbers

2007-12-04T22:10:00.000-06:00

I'm going in to see how much I pre-qualify for on car loan. So, I've been crunching a few numbers tonight. I haven't checked my credit for a while, but I feel confident that I'm a hell of a lot better off than I was a few years ago. Fingers crossed, I guess.

My needs are gonna be pretty simple. Four doors, standard transmission, somewhere in the area of $7,000 to $9,000, fairly low mileage and fairly good gas mileage. This being the end of the year, it's as good of a buyer's market as it can get. Of course, if I can find a private seller, negotiation would be much more favorable.

In an attempt to offset the change in my budget a car payment will no doubt bring, I'm gonna pull double duty at the bank and ask about a credit card, you know, while they have my credit history up on the screen. Again, fingers crossed.

I have four weeks until the end of the year, and factoring in cost of living, I'll be coming up short of my savings goals for this year. I'll be pushing for some overtime over the next few weeks to try and make up for it. Not that I've been spending wildly for the past year, just developed a taste for the name brands at the supermarket. I didn't count on a year without bagged cereal adding up to so much. Et tu, Tony the Tiger?

I talked to my folks for a bit, and they've been discussing maybe selling me their HHR in lieu of trading it in as they originally planned. I had my doubts about it, though. Too much car for me, for one. Too much money for another. While we were talking, I was checking out a few used car sites. When my mom aksed me about considering getting another Ford Focus, AutoTrader produced one match to my search criteria: a 2005 Ford Focus. I bookmarked it and marked it as a possibility. Hell, at least I know how they handle.

I got tired of thinking about it, but oddly enough, I found myself on MacMall's site, figuring out how much my dream Mac system would cost me. I do this about once or twice a year. The past couple years, I've been fairly brass tacks about my system, but not this time. This time, I went full-tilt, top of the line everything. My basic dream system, everything I know I'll need, will cost me upwards of $27,000. I went further than that, and figured out how much the ultimate dream system, with software and hardware do do the things I've always wanted to learn (3-D imaging, video editing, web hosting) ran the total up to $40,000.

It was then that I realized that I've reached a point where the things I choose to distract myself from what I'm doing, in this case car shopping, with something strangely parallel to it, like shopping for a new computer. Much like Sunday, where I took a break from doing dishes and found myself scrubbing the toilet. Or like Saturday, where I took a nap about two hours after getting out of bed in the morning. I fear that I'll eventually come full circle and take a break from my work by doing more work.

An open letter to the Golden Compass protesters

2007-12-03T21:38:00.000-06:00

To whom it may concern:

I've been reading a lot of articles about the controversy surrounding the Golden Compass. People are upset that it is supposedly anti-Christian, that it is a slight against God, etc. I just wanted to remind you of a simple little thing: It's a fucking movie! Calm down.

I'm not writing this as some sort of anti-Christian heretic, secular progressive, or whatever catchphrase of the nanosecond someone like you resorts to under the circumstances. I just want to make the point that the more you try to keep people from seeing the movie, the more they'll want to see it. Newton's Third Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Ironic that science applies to this, don't you think?

Also, I'm not just talking out of my ass here. Need proof? Five words: The Last Temptation of Christ. Tons of protests worldwide, plus a theater in France showing the film getting bombarded with molotov cocktails. The film made a decent profit and even netted Scorcese a Best Director nomination.

One more word: Dogma. Again, decent profit, particularly since you squeezed Disney's balls tight enough that the film had to be sold to and released by a smaller distributor. Plus, any hit the box office gross took was more than made up for on the DVD sales. Plus, Kevin Smith is still alive and working, despite the death threats he received.

Another example: The Da Vinci Code. Bad news, folks, it's getting a sequel!

I find it funny that the one film regarding Jesus that didn't get any protests (Passion of the Christ) turned out to be one of the bloodiest and most violent movies I've ever seen. Don't get me wrong, I understood the film's message of Jesus' suffering, but for crying out loud, ten overweight hemophiliacs combined, each with high blood pressure, Hepatitis C and every vein opened would bleed less than that.

Sure, you could argue that movies like these are just another example of how Hollywood is completely out of control and has absolutely no regard for common decency. I tend to agree with that viewpoint, you blame this on films like the Golden Compass, while for me it's because Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and Hillary Duff have film careers. And its true that Hollywood doesn't care about either of our opinions. They don't have to. Why? Because we're not the target audiences for the films that make us so upset!

But did you see me protesting House of Wax, Employee of the Month, or...whatever Hillary Duff was in last? No, because I've got better things to do with my life than to attempt to keep people from seeing a movie I don't want to have anything to do with in the first place. Which begs the question: Wouldn't this time spent picketing in front of the multiplex be better spent, I don't know, feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, or any of the other things Jesus actually talked about?

Besides, are you so afraid that your faith is that fragile that it will be shattered by listening to a song, watching a movie or reading a book? Well, maybe that's not that much of a stretch considering that your faith is essentially based on one book. Just saying...

Anyway, I'll be seeing the Golden Compass, despite your protests...maybe especially because of your protests. And don't bother telling me that I'm going to Hell or won't be allowed into Heaven because I buy a ticket to a movie you don't agree with. Think about it, regardless of whether I seek forgiveness in your opinion for my sins, if I have to spend eternity with irrational people like you, then your Heaven and my Hell are one and the same.

See you at the theater!

Famous Last Words

2007-12-02T23:10:00.000-06:00

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"Hey, look at what I can do!"

"Your husband? Here?!?"

"I'm going with the blue wire."

"This rope bridge seems sturdy enough."

"That bet didn't count! We didn't shake on it."

"I'm getting good at this Russian roulette!"

"I'm gonna teach those neo-Nazi meth-heads a lesson!"

"Landmines, shmandmines."

"Buckle up, I'm gonna try something."

"See, these are friendly scorpions."

"I just love cooking toast while in the bath."

"Wow. When did all of these greasy Italian guys get here?"

"Sword swallowing? I'll try anything once."

"You Al Qaeda types are all alike: Total cowards."

"Stay here, I'll try to reason with the gunman."

"What's with the chainsaw?"

Weekend Update

2007-12-02T16:23:00.000-06:00

FRIDAY

I finally got caught up on my work....that is to say that I took it as far as I could. The ball in the clients' court for now.

Friday night I went to a party at a friend's house. Had I known it was a dinner party, I wouldn't have eaten beforehand. Oh, well...It was great just hanging out with them and pound a few glasses of wine. I had to leave early to catch the midnight movie at the Circle Cinema. This time, it was Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon is one of those movies that I remember loving when I was a kid, and I now know that I can enjoy it as an adult, but for the opposite reasons. I found myself just marveling at how unbelievably cheesy the film is. Thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000, I've developed a love for the unbelievably cheesy. This particular viewing also allowed me to witness the greatest joke I've ever heard thrown back at the movie screen. When Flash is on the forest "planet", Timothy Dalton comes out and asks, "Do you know where you are?" From the front of the theater, someone belted out, "YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!" No one could hear a line of dialog from the movie for at least two minutes because we were laughing so hard.

SATURDAY

I slept in until around noon, and stayed in my pajamas until about six. Just a lazy day.

At night, I went to see Larkin down at Arnie's. It wasn't a typical crowd for a Larkin gig, but it was still a lot of fun. Hanging out at Arnie's, I gotta admit, is becoming much more fun since I stopped working the door. However, its a tough habit to break. I found myself a couple of times scanning the crowd, making sure no one was making any trouble.

I started to get really tired around one, but decided to stick around and close the bar down. I started to get my second wind around the time I was leaving, so I went home and stayed up for a while longer and did a bit of writing.

SUNDAY

I only had three things to do today: Laundry, dishes and pay rent. Those things temporarily took a back seat when Mary and Ivy invited me to a late breakfast at Blue Dome. The four cups of coffee I had there gave me the energy I needed to do the three things I had to do today.

Now, I'm just surfing the web and killing time before dinner.

Behold! Italian Spiderman!

2007-11-26T21:21:00.000-06:00

Perhaps I'm still a bit off kilter from the past week, but this seemed to make all the bad juju melt away:

Last week

2007-11-25T14:11:00.000-06:00

Last week was rough. Walking into the office Monday morning, I knew of one big project I had to take care of. Much to my shock, there were about twenty jobs in front of it. At that moment, I knew I might have to rearrange my holiday plans.

As I got further along and more jobs got in my way, I decided to go ahead and abbreviate my holiday plans and skip the trip to Little Rock, opting to only go to Alma for the day and drive back home to work the rest of the weekend.

It was Tuesday afternoon before I even got onto the big project. I stayed a couple hours late that night, but burn-out was setting in. I went home, cooked some dinner, cleaned house a bit, got some rest and jumped back on it Wednesday morning. I worked my ass off, and still only managed to get about a third of the work done on the big project.

I arranged a meeting with my boss Wednesday afternoon to assess what I needed (or if I needed to do) this weekend. By the time this meeting came around, I was pissed. I had just crammed a week's worth of work into three days. This has been a bit of a trend the past few months. I haven't been able to work longer hours because of tight deadlines...a lot of due-at-end-of-day stuff. So, instead, I've been working harder hours; getting the same amount of work done without the benefit of overtime.

I talked to my boss, and explained my frustration over the matter. I told him I was going to take three days off for the holiday and I'd come in on Sunday for a bit. I also took the opportunity to tell him that I would like some time off at some point. I had four or five days of vacation left over from last year that I can't use and won't be compensated for. The last day of vacation I took was one day back in August, and even then I had to come in for a couple hours. I pleaded my case for a raise without mentioning the word itself, much less the fact that I haven't had one in close to two years. After that chat, I clocked out and went home.

I went to see a late show of Enchanted with some friends on Wednesday night. A welcome distraction and a pretty decent flick, particularly coming from Disney. Plus, it had Amy Adams in it, on whom my crush may be bordering on creepy restraining order territory. She's so pretty...

...Wait, were was I? Oh, yeah, reality.

I kept to my plan to just do the one family thing on Thursday. I felt like such an asshole for doing so, but I had my reasons: A) I'm trying to save up for a new car, and spending close to $150 in gas wasn't gonna help me with that goal. B) With as pissed as I was about my job, I didn't want to vent to my family about it and the only consolation I get is another plea to move down there and live with them. And C) I just wasn't in the holiday mood, and desperately needed some alone time.

Friday was a simple, shower-free day at home. My only venturing out was to pick up cat food and groceries and a DVD and coffee at Borders. Pathetic as it sounds, getting drunk alone on a Friday night watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 was an enjoyable experience.

Saturday was starting to be another day at home, but I got an invitation to the Jazz Depot for Annie Ellicott and Erin Austin. Great show, great music, good times, noodle salad. I noticed a woman hanging around the bar there that looked really familiar. It took me a little while to figure it out, and it hit me: She was one of the artists signed up for my show. I talked to her for a bit before I left to go to a party I had heard about earlier. I went to that party for all of ten minutes, where, oddly enough, I wound up meeting a couple more of the artists that had signed up for my show. Apparently, people have been doing a bit of talking about this show, and I'm a budding celebrity as a result. Feels kinda nice.

I was at the party so briefly because my friend who asked me to come was heading over to Caz's. I finished the night up there, getting a good little buzz, letting it subside and went home to get some sleep. I slept in this morning, went into the office for a bit and now I'm back home. There may be some hell to pay tomorrow morning, but I'll be at least more rested.

Douchebag's lament

2007-11-23T10:24:00.000-06:00

Maybe I'm just sick, but news like this just makes me laugh. Joe Francis, founder of "Girls Gone Wild", is claiming abuse during his stint at an Oklahoma jail awaiting transfer to a federal jail in Reno (he's awaiting trail for tax evasion). Guards allegedly denied him blankets and threatened to tie him naked to a chair.

Am I the only person who doesn't have a problem with this? I mean, here is a guy who has made millions by getting teenage girls drunk and videotaping them having sex. I'm shocked that the government has only managed to nail him for tax evasion...well, not that shocked, but that's not my point. My point is, the only difference between Joe Francis and a common sex offender is that Francis turned it into a business strategy.

He started out with a cheap camcorder at Mardi Gras, where he didn't have to pay the girls flashing their tits, not to mention check their ages. Those breasts were essentially public domain, which gave his startup business the benefit of low overhead. With the money he got from the proceeds of that first tape, he got a bus, started sponsoring parties at colleges, and somehow managed to convince hundreds of women that getting naked is a good way to make money.

Don't get me wrong, I like-a da porn, but every time I see clips from Girls Gone Wild, it just makes me sad. Francis can now afford high-def camera equipment, which (to me at least) can pick up the smells of vodka and Red Bull on the girls' breath, the cheap cologne and greasy hair on the cameraman, as well as the emptiness of the souls of everyone involved.

Let's face facts: How pathetic of an operation does one man have to run that bringing in Snoop Dogg as a host is supposed to make it seem more legit?

Just look at his mug shot, which is second only to Tom DeLay's in the Most Smug Douchebag category. The look on his face has slap-on-the-wrists written all over it. And now, he's claiming the guards were mean to him. Boo fucking hoo. This guy deserves much worse than what the guards could have threatened him with. Personally, I wouldn't bat an eyelash at the news that he died from complications from a particularly rough prison gang-rape. That, in combination with all of his millions forced to be donated to women's shelters, would be justice in my opinion.

10 misconceptions one may have about me if they judged their opinions solely on the spam emails I receive on a daily basis

2007-11-19T22:38:00.000-06:00

1. My breasts are not as large as I want them to be.

2. I have trouble achieving an erection.

3. I'm paying way too much for name brand software.

4. I'm not properly invested and need to diversify my portfolio.*

5. My girlfriend is not pleased with the size of my penis.*

6. I have difficulty scoring high grade weed.

7. I really like watching drunk teen girls make out.*

8. Foreign government officials often seek out my help with moving their money to a safe location.

9. Companies trust me to test out their products for free.

10. I've had trouble with internet dating sites in the past.*

* To be fair, this may not be far from the truth.

The show is on!

2007-11-18T10:14:00.001-06:00

I got the call from the gallery owners and we now have a date for the Personality of Cult Art Show! February 8 through March 30, 2008. The opening ceremony will be held the evening of February 7th. More on this as it develops.

Beowulf

2007-11-17T18:47:00.000-06:00

I'll try to be brief: If you go see Beowulf, don't fuck around. Go see it in 3-D, preferably in IMAX 3-D.

I've been waiting since 9th grade English class for this movie. Looking back on it now, the epic poem was a chore and a half to read, but well worth it when I finished. I re-read it a few years ago with a different, more reader-friendly translation and fell in love with it again. When I heard that the movie was coming out, I started to read it again, but instead decided to keep my mind somewhat fresh for the film. It was a wise choice on my part.

The technology involved with this movie has come a long way since the Polar Express, and truth be told, I do think they could've waited a couple extra years and let the technology advance just a bit further. But all in all, it is still a massive achievement that blew me away. Which was no small feat considering the ticket lady somehow sold me a ticket for yesterday, the projector broke fifteen minutes in and some jackass set off the exit alarm halfway through. In most instances, that would have sent me into a grand mal seizure of a conniption fit, but the movie more than made up for it.

It took a few minutes to adjust back to reality after this film, not just because of the 3-D effects, but the world that was created for the film. I've been home for almost an hour, and I'm still craving some fire-roasted pork and a stein of mead. Speaking of which, I need to eat some dinner.