Busy busy busy

It's been a busy week, at work and at home. I offer that as my excuse du jour for the lack of regular postings on the blog. It's not really that I haven't had the time. I realize that it only takes a few minutes to type this shit out, but I've been in a strange head space the past week or so. I haven't felt much like writing about what's bothering me because not much has been bothering me...or at least nothing NEW has been bothering me, so I thought I'd spare you a repeat. On the other hand, everything good in my life at this moment feels much better having it float around in my head than to attempt to put it into words. I can tell you that Fritschie is happy, really happy.

It feels good to be in a position of not sweating the small stuff. A lot of things going on at work right now, frustrating though it may be, is everything that I've come to expect from the people dishing it out. Call it zen, call it not really giving a shit anymore, but I've finally realized that trying to fight it is not only futile, but it's counter-productive. The best part is, I've dealt with this shit so often that I know all of the shortcuts to getting it all done without a mental meltdown. This will prove very handy as we are now going into our busiest time of the year.

On the home front, everything's peachy. I'm having lots of fun; so much so that I'm looking forward to the work week so I can catch up on my sleep.

I worked the door at Arnie's again on Saturday. The band totally kicked ass, even though barely anyone showed up to see it. A lot of new clubs and bars have opened up downtown and the customers are starting to disperse. Combine that with the fact that thes new bars' clientele are starting to take advantage of Arnie's having the only free parking lot within a mile radius, and they're taking up valuable parking space for people wanting to go to Arnie's.

I'm liking this little regular gig working the door. I find myself doing everything I can to help out, from covering up the shuffleboard table so the band can set up their equipment, to making sure the musicians have everything they need, to clearing tables after last call. In dealing with everyone that comes in the door, I've conquered some of my deep-seeded fears of strangers, and having to handle some of the pushy assholes who either think $3 is too much to charge for a cover or get upset about having to show ID has helped me get in touch with my inner jerk (Jesus, that sounds weird).

I guess, overall, I'm learning the finer distinctions between having to take shit as it comes and being able to successfully HANDLE it...that sounds weird, too.

Answers

I've been abnormally secretive in my posts in the past week for various reasons. The speculations I've heard from my friends sometimes bordered on the just plain wrong (as evidenced by Steve's doggie blowjob/Crash Test Dummies guess in the comments last week). However, now that I have had a clear talk with a certain someone, I'm ready to talk about it all...well, not ALL of it, mind you.

I kinda met this girl, you see, and she and I have been hanging out quite a bit over the past week. Given my decision to lay off of the dating thing for a while, this kinda snuck up on me, and I was confused on how to approach it. so, I had to ask myself some very important questions, and scarily enough, I answered them:

1. Am I really in the right mindset to start dating someone seriously? No, not yet.

2. Is she? Chances are on the nil side of not likely.

3. Do I like her? Yes. She is a talented artist (which scores high in my book), she is brilliantly sarcastic (also scores high), and she is very attractive.

4. Does she like me? It's my experience that no one would hang out with me this much in one week if they didn't like me quite a bit.

5. So, what's with all the secrecy? My first rule of this blog is what I write has to be either the heartfelt truth or obvious bullshit, and given that I was unsure what the hell was going on, it would be hard to tell which was which.

6. So, what happens now? Who the hell knows. Situations being as they are in each of our lives, neither one of us is in any postion to get attached. However, that's not gonna stop us from hanging out and having fun. She says play it by ear, and that sounds pretty damned logical to me.

7. What is the Capital of North Dakota? That would be Bismark.

8. Was all of the secrecy really worth it? Given that she found my blog, I didn't want to post anything too revealing about her or what I was thinking about the whole thing for fear that I would offend her or worse yet consider a restraining order. But after talking with her last night and we aired everything out, the suspenseful buildup to this disclosure ended up to be equivalent to a season finale cliffhanger during the later years of Dallas. I'm sure a lot of you were expecting head-over-heels, but instead you got "Bobby's not dead, it was only a dream". Sorry about that, folks. I wish there was bigger news than just hanging out with someone new. I only wish that I had sorted all this out two days ago and played it off like a big April fool's joke.

So, please, go back into your homes...there's nothing to see here.

I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

Yet again, I must apologize to both of my loyal fans out there for the increasing infrequency of my posts. I started out the year thinking that I would make it a rule to post something every day, even if there was nothing to talk about.

However, this week has been more than just a bit interesting, and as much as I do want to write about it all, I feel that I can't for various reasons. First of all, the person at the center of this week's attention reads the blog, and there are a lot of things that I feel is best discussed just between us. Secondly, I stongly believe that in this case, I should only report things that are a little more concrete or set in stone (or any other masonry analogy you can think of). Thirdly and perhaps most importantly, there are thoughts going through my head over this whole thing that simply cannot be expressed in words.

I know I'm being cryptic and that this is a massive style break for me, but I wil report on everything once I am sure that what needs to be said CAN be said.

I will give you all this: There is nothing going on that I am not of two minds about. As it lists in my head, the list of pros and cons are running up equal every time. This just doesn't happen to me. Never in my life has there been this kind of a perfect balance of THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME and BUT THERE"S A CATCH.

So, in an effort to fill some space in an effort to make up for lost time, I'll be writing the rest of this post as stream of conscienceness:

It's starting to rain pretty heavily now, and I hope she's giggling about our little in-joke about rain. Gee, that improv performance I saw tonight got off to a rocky start. I really need to clean my room. I need to write som more on my fictional stuff. I should remember to set my clocks forward tonight before I go to bed. That Peter Gabriel CD I just bought was really damned good. I'm tired but I can't seem to want to get in bed right now. Dammit my knees hurt. Last night was a lot of fun, but the night before was unbelievable. I'm gonna go have a smoke and watch the rain and laugh.

A nut, in a nutshell

I have come to realize that wearing my heart on my sleeve like I do, it's a double-edged sword whose edges are fucking sharp. On the good side, those that know me well really recognize what makes me tick. They all understand exactly where I'm coming from. On the bad side, it means I am completely incapable of playing it cool when something (good or bad) comes along. And the people who don't know me tend to be very suspicious of my actions. There is no poker face in these situations, and while the edges are sharp, all I wind up doing is repeatedly hitting myself in the head with the blunt end of the double-edged sword.

Unexpected surprises are my worst enemy.

When it is time to sit back and quietly reflect on the simplicity of the moment, I can't stop my mouth from nervously rambling on about anything and everything in a vain attempt to avoid the silence.

When it is time to say something, my mind is a tangle of wordless thought swirling at a million miles a second. To say the first thing that comes to mind, as the situation demands, leaves me in a mess of um's, er's and uh's.

It's like a game of king of the mountain between my brain, my heart and various other parts of my body. Everyone's jockeying for position at that huge megaphone in my head that tells me what to do next. I'm charming, I'm shy, I'm brave, I'm a nervous wreck, I'm a winner, I'm a blathering idiot, etc. It's no wonder now why my thighs have the most developed muscles in my otherwise overweight body...it's because I am in a constant fight-or-flight response.

Any attempt to explain this becomes confusing to the listener, which naturally leads to over-explanation, which leads to me sounding like a tactless creep, then I over-correct and somehow manage to play it off as "the clumsy approach". Clumsy is putting it lightly, In actuality, it feels like every Hugh Grant movie played int the span of just a few minutes.

Impulse control is gone at this point. If the situation is positive, all I do is crave MORE. If the situation is bad, everything goes into slow motion with my brain constantly reviewing the instant replay.

They say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. What they never tell you is the other steps towards recovery are a bitch and a half, and step two in this case seems to be confused bitching.

And now, I'm off to bed to try and shut off the megaphone for a few hours.

Pleasantly surprised

I woke up this morning with this need to prepare myself for my boss' first day back from vacation. In general, when he spends any time away from the office, he comes back in a really bad mood, as if he needs to make up for any lost foot-up-the-ass time. However, he was in a great mood and a real pleasure to work with today. I had gotten myself all worked up for nothing.

Between the events of late Saturday night (nice guesses, Gene and Steve) and today's personal lowering of the terror alert level, I find myself in a state of pleasant surprise. It feels really good, I gotta admit.

Sorry for the short post tonight, but I'm kinda busy right now.

Good Night and Good Luck

Okay, folks...whenever I write on this blog, it's for one of three reasons: 1) to vent frustration, 2) to try and figure out something, or 3) to boast.

However, I cannot write about the events of last night in the spirit of those three reasons because 1) no frustration to vent, 2) I don't want to question it, and 3) I don't want to jinx it.

So here it goes:

mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm WOW mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm warm fuzzy feeling mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm holy crap it's getting late mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmm and off to bed I went and had a pleasant dream.

Come to your own conclusions, folks, because that's as clear as I'm gonna be for now.

Stupid car tricks

It never ceases to amaze me the stupid things people do with their cars. I've ranted before about the stupid accessories and weird-assed paint jobs some people have, but this time I want to talk about the little stupid things I've seen people do WITH their cars, not TO them.

I stopped for an oil change after work yesterday, and at the gas pump, there was a guy washing his entire car from top to bottom with the windshield squeegie. Somehow he managed to get to every nook and cranny on his car. While he did a decent job with the squeegie, I couldn't help but wonder if he knew how old that windex/water/window grime combination really was that he just sloshed all over his Lincoln Town Car to "clean" it.

I really wouldn't have brought this up if it hadn't been for the fact that A) he was ten feet from the automatic car wash that whole time, and B) after he finished, THEN he pre-paid for his gas and filled the tank...I mean, for fuck's sake, man...If you're gonna do shit like that, pre-pay first and clean while you pump your gas. Because now, you just look like a cheapskate with no time management skills.

Another stupid thing I saw was today at lunch. I was waiting in traffic (first at the light) when driving on the cross street was an old Ford Escort with a guy leaning half-way out the back passenger window trying to close the gas cap door WHILE the car was doing about 30 MPH through the intersection. Now, there's a guy with good time management skills, but piss-poor judgement and a really stupid friend.

And the ultimate story of stupid car usage was with one of my neighbors at my old apartment who asked to borrow my jack so he could jack up BOTH sides of his car in order to rotate the tires. He told me he had one side up already using his jack but wanted to elevate the other side. I looked out in the parking lot and he e had already taken the tires off on one side. As much as I wanted to witness how he could possibly balance his car perfectly on two jacks and pull this off, or maybe just watch/videotape the dmage/possible injury that this guy would inevitably inflict, I politely decined his request. I did, however, watch from my window as he spent 45 minutes trying to figure out what to do next.

Who the hell is Lisa?

I normally don't remember my dreams, much less wonder what they mean. Dream analysis, to me, has always seemed a bit hokey. I mean, how accurate of a science can it be when there's always the alternate reasoning that you shouldn't have had that slice of pizza right before bed?

However, The past two nights, my dreams have been very vivid and strangely similar. In each dream, I'm going through my normal life. The night before last the dream was me at home, fixing dinner and playing video games. Last night, I was out at one of my favorite restaurants with a bunch of friends. The only slimilarity between the two dreams was this one woman was there, a woman I have never met.

Like I said, these were very vivid dreams. This woman was about 5'6", thin, with black meadium-length hair, long face, striking features and minimal makeup. In both dreams, she's just hanging out like I've known her for a long time. She pokes fun at me in a flirty manner, the kind that always brings a blushing smirk to my face.

Given that the environments are totally familiar, and what I'm doing in these dreams are nothing out of the ordinary, I couldn't help but notice this woman. That, and the fact that she seems to be as much of an attention hound as I am most of the time.

Anyway, this morning, as I was waking up, she told me her name: Lisa. I don't know a Lisa, and the last one I met was back in Junior High, and she looked nothing like this woman. There isn't any way that she could be an amalgam of different women I know or have known, because No one I know has any of those features.

Rhetorically asking: What the fuck, man?!?

The check is in the mail

My folks reached settlements with the credit cards on Thursday, but the checks were'nt getting in the mail until yesterday...so I got about fifteen phone calls from the credit card people over the course of the day. This begs the question: Why would I go to the trouble to try to settle, then NOT give them the money? How many people have been stupid enough to do that kind of thing that it has become part of their collection protocol to call every 45 minutes?

My boss was supposed to be on vacation all this week, but yesterday he was in the office taking care of some last minute things. He kept saying to us, "I'm NOT here." But he was...even when he's gone, he's still fucking there!" He just kept working on his stuff and kept out of our hair all day. Today, he was gone, and I'm kinda pissed he wasn't because I was really kicking som major ass on my work and he wasn't there to notice. Not that I care what he thinks about my work, but then again, I want to be noticed not caring what he thinks about how I do my job.

I talked to my mom on the phone last night, and the conversation drifted to my love life (or lack thereof) and I wound up having a hearty laugh about it. I got to thinking about where those women are now, and how the guys they've ended up with are quite similar to me. I said that I've sometimes felt like that one beige sports car on the car lot that everyone test drives, but then decided they want one just like it, only in another color, or with different options. I guess Lily Tomlin was right when she said that comedy is tragedy plus time. Enough time has passed that I can look back and laugh at the disasters I've had in the past. I'll give myself some more time and learn to laugh at them with a little less bitterness. I'll know, the day my stories of ex-girlfriends sound like clever anecdotes rather than cynical bitching, that I'll be ready to throw wade back into the dating pool again.

V for very good

I went to see V for Vendetta this afternoon. From what I understand, the graphic novel it was based on was written in responce to Margaret Thatcher's role as Prime Minister of England back in the eighties. The film apparently strays from the source material enough that the man that wrote the graphic novel has asked that his name be removed from the film. While I get why he would do that, in principle...but this is a great movie nonetheless.

However, the filmmakers fell victim to one of the pitfalls of politically-charged storytelling: It is impossible to make a film denouncing the use of propaganda without it feeling like propaganda itself. Most of the film's themes seem so possible it's almost scary: A totalitarian government in England, loss of civil liberties, domestic spying, the United States at war with itself, homosexuality and any non-Christian religion is outlawed, and every citizen seems to know that the information their government is feeding them is a bunch of bullshit. I feel sorry for that one guy in Michigan who has/had the bad luck to sit next to Michael Moore during a screening of this film. Don't get me wrong, I love Michael Moore...I just wouldn't want to have to sit next to him when he starts foaming at the mouth.

Every kind of conspiracy theorist will have a field day with this flick. Some will draw comparisons to the Bush admisitration, some to Saddam Hussein or maybe the Taliban. Me personally, I'm not one to believe in conspiracies, but as a smoker, I was noticing that the evil govermnent's double-cross emblem looked suspiciously like the American Lung Association logo.

This is the eighth film I've seen with Hugo Weaving in it, and in those eight films (including two trilogies), he has played a drag queen, a computer program, an elf and a masked vigilante. If you graph the way he's going, he'll eventually out-weird Gary Oldman. In V, he manages to generate a very complex character with real charm and emotion with his face completely covered by a mask the entire time.

Natalie Portman knocked it out of the park, as always. She's one of those rare actresses that can grab my attention no matter what the role, and make me totally forget what she's done before. Christ, even when I see Jodie Foster do something like Silence of the Lambs, there's part of my brain that flashes back to Freaky Friday. You'd think being as much of a Star Wars freak as I am, I'd be saying, "Why are they shaving Queen Amidala's head?"

I think one thing that impressed me most of all in this film is that, for once in a action movie, everything was used to further the plot in some way. The special effects were great, but there wasn't anything that just screamed LOOK AT WHAT OUR EFFECTS GUYS CAME UP WITH...PRETTY COOL, HUH?