Political cures that may be worse than the disease Vol.4: Election reform

For 12 years, Democrats like myself have been shooting darts at the huge elephant, and finally, this week we hit the central nervous system of the big beast and won back both houses of Congress. Granted it was by a very narrow margin...most of the races I saw were won by less than 5% of the vote.

And, with every election since I became eligible to vote, there have been dirty tricks all around, so I have figured out a few things that might help fix a few things about the process:

1. Negative attack ads: From what I understand, it is law for media organizations to devote equal time to each candidate. The solution for negative attack ads is two-fold. First, outlaw the 527 groups; the non-profit groups whose sole purpose is to advertise their viewpoint, regardless of whether it is factual, proper or by any sense of the term "in good taste", to defame or impune the character of a political candidate. Some would argue that these ads are incredibly effective, but then again it's so much easier to win the vote by stimulating the voters modula oblogata than their hearts, isn't it?. Plus, if they say that it isn't endorsed by any candidate, it's exempt from the equal time guidelines. They may not publicly endorse it, but they're not exactly going on record to refuse the assistance, are they?

Now, when it comes to the ads that are actually endorsed by the candidates or their political organizations, here's my solution: If they're supposed to allow equal airtime to each candidate, I'd love to see one candidate, just once, refuse to advertise on the air. Have them run a strictly grass-roots campaign. Internet, rallies, fundraising benefits, etc. pull in a ton of money, folks. Feasibly, a candidate could run his/her entire campaign without a tv or radio ad, which would force their opponent to do the same. Besides, in the age of TiVo and DVR, no one really watches those ads anyway.

2. Election disruption techniques: Classify robo-calling, letter campaigns telling voters they shouldn't vote, slashing tires of vans that transport people to the polls, flooding the phone lines of campaign headquarters and election help hotlines with prank phone calls as terrorist acts. Hell, they are essentially tactics that infringe on our inalienable rights, so let's treat them as such.

3. Exit polls: This is the easiest to fix. At the next major election, if you are approached by a pollster, give them misleading information on purpose. Tell them the exact opposite of what you just voted. Give all the Karl Roves of the world that false sense of security that makes the concession speeches their candidates have to give later so entertaining.

4. Public debate: Enforce the rules of civilized debate with shock collars...Eliminate teleprompters...Or, my personal favorite, have political speeches follow the same rules as Japanese game shows. Imagine a candidate that must give his speech, from memory, while in a tank of scorpions and with the threat that if they misspeak one word, they will get puched in the balls (or equally sensitive area) by a midget in a court jester costume.

5. Campaign finance reform: Each candidate is allowed a limit of $50 from each person or corporation that donates to their campaign. Anyone who tries to donate more than that will be prosecuted on bribery charges. I know it costs a lot of money to run for office, but if they want to show that they can balance the budget, let them show us how they handle these kinds on money restraints.

6. Move Election Day to April 15th: Let's see these fuckers straighten their acts when we pay them the same day we hire or re-hire them.

7. Leave the kids out of it: No one has ever questioned any candidate devotion to their own family. Bringing your kids out solely to illustrate how you care about eductaion, abortion, same-sex marriage, etc. is demeaning and insulting. Adn, if your character is being attacked because of allegations of an extra-marital affair, homosexuality or past episodes of abuse, dragging your family out there should be codsidered cruel and unusual punishment, particularly if you are admitting the accusations are true. Say what you will about Clinton, at least he had the decency to leave Hillary and Chelsea at home when he fessed up.

8. Concession speeches: You lost your job. Boo fucking hoo. I'd say that now you'd know how most of your constituants have felt these past few years, but we all know we won't be seeing you in the unemployment lines anytime soon and they certainly won't be raking in the cash you will going on the lecture circuit or being named chairman of some board of directors out there. And don't tell us, "Well, we fought the good fight" or some bullshit like that. Just come out and congratulate the winner and admit you lost. Don't tell us that you're doing the honorable thing by not dragging us through a lengthy recount. Gore won the popular vote in 2000, and there was some sneaky shit going on in Florida with the ballots. You know it, we know it, and to stand there and tell us that you're doing the honorable thing and accepting that you lost is a bit hipocritical considering the side you were taking when Gore tried to fight for what was rightfully his.

9. Remember the third commandment: Do not take the Lord's name in vain. That doesn't just mean no cursing. It also applies to invoking your own faith in God to imply that your opponent does not share the same values. Just because the person you're running against says they're pro-choice doesn't mean they kill unborn children as part of some satanic ritual. It simply means that if it'll keep a desperate woman from going to a med school flunkee in a back alley somewhere rather than raise a child on minimum wage and have little or no help from the government thanks to this administration's welfare policies, than it might be worth it. Same with gay marriage. Your opponent's support of same-sex marriage doesn't mean they're some sort of godless sodomite looking to recruit underage kids for an orgy. It simply means that gay people are gonna commit themselves to one another anyway just like straight couples do...it's just unfair for straights to pay $50 for a marriage license and gay couples can't do anything for the same recognition.

10. Not everything is a fucking photo-op: Sure, you're in the public eye, but do you have to play for the cameras every time? If you go out to dinner somewhere, just have dinner. It doesn't have to be some event to be documented. If a cameraman happens to be there, go about eating your dinner as any normal person would. Don't go to a soup kitchen in Harlem and slice turkey for the homeless then sit down with them and act like you somehow "relate" to their plight. These people are trying to eat at least one meal that wasn't pulled out of a dumpster. You've never had a bounced check in your life. Yeah, you're such a man of the people.

11. Quit trying to spin everything: In this election, we've seen a candidate admit to having an affair, but deny ever choking his mistress, another candidate call an Indian-American man an obscure racial slur and tell him, "Welcome to America" when the man was born here AND downplay his own Jewish heritage by declaring his love for pork chops, many candidates who has taken considerable contributions from crooked lobbyists and shady businesses..and all of them not only stayed in their respective races, but managed to garner a considerable amount of the votes (30-49%) due to their ability to bullshit their way out of it. I guess it's much more important to appear to be a good person that represents our American values that is is to actually embody those values. Meanwhile, in the real world, if someone is even accused of wrongdoing in their work, their career is over no matter how much they try to bullshit. Why is it so different for politics?

Oh well, at least we've got some serious changes coming our way this January...that is unless Bush declares himself emperor between now and then.