Dec 28, 2008

Christmas 2008

Wednesday

Got off work at noon. Plenty of time to pack and straighten up the apartment before getting out of Dodge. Stopped by Mary's to drop off a key so they could feed Chuckles while I was away.

Went to my grandmother's house for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange. My uncle Daryl was absent, which kinda sucked because I had so many things to bug him about. The new car, the Obama sticker on the new car, the fact that I'm still smoking, etc. I was preparing myself for a verbal throwdown with him, but alas, no.

I had a great time with the extended family. My second cousin Zachary relied on me to remove his gifts from the packaging. On a side note, thank you so much, shoplifters, for making manufacturers revamp their packaging to the point that a remote control car can't be freed without a blowtorch.

After a few rounds of dominoes after presents, I continued the last leg of my journey to Little Rock and got to the folk's house around midnight.

Thursday

We got up- at the crack of 10:30, loaded up the car and headed to the step-grandparents' house for the second Christmas dinner of the season. It's been a while since I've gotten car-sick, and their steep-hillside house made the last leg of that trip all the more fun. Nice to get my bearings just to succumb to vertigo.

We had a big dinner that couldn't be beat, and went in to open presents. For some reason, my brother and his family brought my presents only to tell me that they couldn't be opened until Saturday. I at least got my Monty Python desk calendar open before being informed of this.

On the trip back, I had the foresight to take Dramamine before leaving, which assured the trip would last mere minutes for me because I passed out hard as soon as we got back to the Interstate.

Back at the folks' house, I continued my own yearly tradition of watching the least Christmas-y movie on Christmas night. Last year, it was O Brother, Where Art Thou?, this year, it was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Friday

Didn't do a damned thing. Just goofed around on the internet, watched DVDs and Hi-Def Cable.

Saturday

Stayed in my pajamas until the guests started to arrive. A quick shower and hung out with the family. We opened our presents, and the kids got quite a haul. I got some pretty awesome books, including the long-lusted-after I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski, a great book all about the Big Lebowski and it's cult following.

Dinner was great, and I filled myself stupid with one plate. In my own defense, I was snacking all day. And in lieu of antacid, I piled on some peach cobbler a la mode. Some much needed couch time soon followed.

My folks got me this wooden puzzle that frustrated the hell out of me. That is, until i had to look up the solution on the internet. the crudely drawn instructions sent me into a near murderous rage. I got it solved eventually, but got frustrated yet again trying to get the puzzle back into it's original state. Screw you, puzzle man.

Stayed up until about midnight playing online poker. Slept like a baby.

Sunday

Hung out with the family, and basked in their company until about 2:00, when I got back on the road. Should've timed it better, because the sun was in my eyes the whole way back. In retrospect, I should've moved East instead of West.

Got home and Chuckles the cat was nowhere to be found, until I noticed the hall closet door was ajar. Chuck came out and I pet him for about a half hour straight. I missed the little guy.

Dec 23, 2008

9 Ways to make the holidays a little more fun.

1. In lieu of wrapped presents, just write everyone checks for random amounts. $12.63, $41.08, $3.79. Be sure to tell them, "Don't spend it all in one place."

2. Just before dinner, swap out the cooked turkey with a raw one that's been carefully spray painted with light brown paint to give the illusion that it is thoroughly cooked. Store the real turkey under the bed in the spare bedroom. Let everyone ponder what the hell happened for as long as possible. My personal best is three hours, twelve minutes.

3. For out-of-town friends and relatives, buy them gift cards from businesses that are not in their immediate area. I recommend EuroDisney.

4. After your presents are wrapped, coat them with about five to eight layers of high gloss polyurethane. If they want that bread machine, they'll have to work for it.

5. Before everyone else wakes up on Christmas morning, stuff all of the kid's presents into the chimney. If there's something that won't fit, take it apart and shove the pieces in haphazardly. Leave a note attached to the top gift: "Overpopulation. Tight schedule. Here ya' go, kids. Love, Santa."

6. Call everyone by their middle names. If they complain, don't be afraid to resort to shouting.

7. Cover your doorbell with pine tar, so everyone that rings it will get their finger stuck. Next year, cover the front door knocker as well. Year after that, the whole door. Year four: the front steps.

8. Spike the egg nog with No-Doz.

9. Stock up on greeting cards for other occasions and amend the messages with "Merry Christmas." The further removed from Christmas, the better. My favorites are "You're turning 40, Merry Christmas.", "Happy Arbor Day, Merry Christmas.", and "Sorry for your loss, Merry Christmas."

Dec 13, 2008

A Frustrated Graphic Designer's Non-Illustrated Guide to Graphic Design, Part I: Stationery Design.

Having been a graphic designer for the past 13 years or so (11, if you count since graduating college), there are certain types of projects that I've found can be either a walk in the park or a frustrating mess. So, I thought I'd give everyone some insight on my thought processes on some of my biggest pet peeves in my work. And, I'm gonna do this using only my words.

Today's subject: Stationery design.

Stationery is important to every business. It is what encapsulates their identity, their message and their attitude. However, designing this stuff can be a frustrating mess. Clients can be way too picky sometimes. They focus on all the wrong details, and they have a tendency to go overboard on certain things. About the best you can do is explain to them in the kindest terms possible why this stuff won't work and hope for the best. But, here's my best advice for handling a picky client: Always show them at least three ideas...

  1. Their idea. Listen to every little detail they say they want in their look and follow their instructions to the letter. Present their idea to them as exact to their specifications as possible, if anything to show them how much it doesn't work.
  2. Their idea, reloaded. Use their instructions as a jumping off point and tweak things in a manner that will make it work as a functional piece. Take their turd of an idea and polish it up to a high gloss shine.
  3. Go your own way. Take whatever specifications they have that's non-negotiable (i.e established logo design, ink colors, etc.) and start from scratch. Make the design fresh and new and most of all functional. You may come out with several cool ideas so present the best of the best of your ideas without sending the client into sensory overload.

Now, if your client doesn't have any artwork that's set in stone, like a logo or ink colors, you have a little more freedom to tweak their way of thinking. In this instance you have an even grater opportunity to really wow them. But when it comes to the layout of the stationery, keep the following in mind.

BUSINESS CARDS

Business cards should be the first thing designed. The graphics of everything else should follow what is established on the business cards. Here are my guidelines for proper layout of business cards (exceptions may apply, check with your client for more information):

  1. Standard sizes are there for a reason. 3 1/2" X 2" is a good size to fit every bit of necessary information. Besides, most business card holders, Rolodexes and wallet card slots are already set up for this format. There's nothing wrong with making a card that's a 2" square, or 3 1/2" wide and shorter than 2", because they'll still fit in those holders. Going beyond the standard dimensions will generally frustrate someone you hand them out to because they can't store it with the others very easily, and you run the risk of the card falling out of their business card files and being lost forever.
  2. Likewise, avoid fold-over cards. They may look cool, but any fold just doubles the thickness of the card and the client is hold fewer cards to hand out to their clients.
  3. Keep the information to a bare minimum. Business cards shouldn't do the sales pitch for them. Basic contact information, logo and business tag line should be sufficient.
  4. Leave plenty of room for all information. I recommend using a horizontal format rather than a vertical. Don't get your text so big that it can't handle a longer name, title, email address, etc. The card layout should be able to work for John Smith, CEO as well as Caroline Henderson-Longasshyphenatedname, Assistant to the Regional Vice President of Internet Sales - Northeast Division.
  5. Try to keep it all on one side of the card. Not only will your printing costs be cut in half, leaving the back of the card blank will give them room to write down any additional information they'll need to give to a specific person, like an alternate number, personal email, hotel room number, etc.
  6. Have a margin of at least 3/16". No important information should go beyond 3/16" from the edge of the card because when these cards get cut from the press sheet, the slightest error in cutting would make the whole design look lopsided.
  7. Avoid large areas of solid color. A flood of one color may look kinda cool, but when you have large areas of color, the ink has a tendency to offset and scuff. This is particularly true of blue or red Pantone colors, which are notorious for never fully drying.
  8. Try to avoid using foil stamping, die cutting or emboss/debossing. Foil stamping can flake, Die cutting can rip and embossing can flatten in a person's wallet, business card case, etc.

LETTERHEADS

Letterheads should follow the same graphic styles you set up for the business cards. Use the same logos, font styles and type formatting, but remember these things:

  1. Do not design or proof a letterhead design without a sample business letter in the layout. There's no point in presenting a letterhead design to a client without showing them how they'd have to reformat their style sheets in Microsoft Word to get the information to fit.
  2. Avoid having a ghost screen in the background. No matter how light the tint in the background, 99% of laser printer toners won't stick to where printing ink has been laid down. Plus, copying and faxing with a ghost screen can prove problematic.
  3. Avoid die cuts, foil stamping, thermography, and emboss/debossing. Die cuts and emboss/debossing increase the risk of jamming the client's printer. Foil stamping can flake off when coming into contact with the heat of a laserjet office printer and gunk up the rollers. Thermography, a process in which clear plastic powder is applied to the printing ink while it's still wet, then run through an oven to melt and combine creating a raised surface to the letters, can also melt again, smear and gunk up laserjet office printers as well.
  4. Avoid having graphics bleed off the edge of the sheet. This usually causes the letterhead to be printed on oversized sheets and can be more costly to print. If you must, leave one edge of the artwork without any bleeds, and at least a 1/4" of blank space for the printer to grip from in the printing process.

ENVELOPES

Once you've got the business card and letterhead designed, the envelopes should take no longer than ten minutes to lay out.

  1. No envelope should be too intricate in it's design because nine times out of ten it'll be ripped open, it's contents removed and the envelope thrown away. The rest of the time, the envelope will be thrown away without being opened, particularly if it contains a bill or invoice.
  2. It's always best to go to the main post office branch in your city and ask for a copy of the postal standards guidebook. They update it every year, so stay frosty. It also helps to establish a friendship with the local postal regulations officer. That way, you can email them a PDF of your artwork and they'll tell you if it passes regulations.
OFFICE FORMS

Miscellaneous office forms should only be designed after the letterhead, business cards and envelopes have been approved by the client. Simply use the same logos, type styles, and themes set up in everything else, and create the office forms to match, while at the same time, leave the backgrounds free of ghost screens to allow for clean faxing and copying.

PAPER STOCK

The choice of paper should be appropriate to the type of business you're designing for. Ideally, stationery should always be on an uncoated stock, and the finish (linen vs. smooth vs. textured) should be left up to the client's preference. My only advise in choosing the paper is not go for anything that's brand spanking new from the paper mills. Go with a paper stock that's been around for a while and is popular enough that the paper company still makes it. There's not much worse than printing one run of a client's stationery on this cool new paper, only to have that stock discontinued three months later.

As for the weight of the paper, they should all be the same finish, with the business cards on cover weight and everything else on text weight. Also, be careful to choose a paper stock that has ready-made envelopes. It's rare, but it's happened to me before, and the cost of the envelopes skyrocketed because the stock the client loved and would not deviate from had to be custom-made.

GRAPHICS STANDARDS

Once everything has been approved by the client, it's always best to review the layouts and create a set of rules for future reference by you and for the client. That way, all future print jobs will remain consistent. If one of the client's employees tries to get his business cards set up in a different style and you do NOT have graphics standards in place, then there's nothing stopping other employees from trying to get their own layouts and God help you if the business really takes off. For example, I have one client whose business has over ten different formats of business cards, all because we never agreed on a standard layout.


Join me next time, when I'll be discussing Bridal Announcements: The Tenth Level of Graphic Design Hell.

Dec 8, 2008

Good one, God!

The Context:

Comedy Night at the Nightingale. My stand-up set, December 7, 2008. I was making a point about some of the stupid little phrases people say during political discussions. I go off on a little diatribe about invoking the opinions of the founding fathers, citing the massive generation gap as proof that the founding fathers simply wouldn't understand anything in today's culture, then launching that point towards people who invoke the name of Jesus Christ in political discourse.

The Joke:

I also find it funny when people bring Jesus into a political discussion, particularly if we're not talking about religion. Gee, I don't remember that part of the Bible that condemned the capital gains tax, but thanks for playing!

It's a little arrogant to think that Jesus cares about our politics, don't you think? I don't mean any offense to Christians by that statement, I'm just saying that the last time Jesus got involved in government, it didn't work out too well for him.

Jesus: "I'm King of the Jews!"

Romans: "Oh, really?"

[I quickly pound three imaginary nails into a cross, using the microphone as a hammer] BOOM, BOOM*, BOOM!

Romans: "See you in three days, Your Highness."

The Karmic Retribution:

Despite the fact that I practiced the microphone part of the gag many times beforehand, on the second boom, as indicated in the joke by the *, I smacked the shit out of my knuckle. The message here is pretty clear: God gave me, as we say in the stand-up business, feedback.

In other words, I was heckled by God!

The After-Effects:

See for yourself...

Now, it may not look that bad, but it still hurts like a bastard!

Further Proof:

Science would explain this that it was the metal mesh on the business end of the microphone leaving this imprint on my knuckle, but it's still kinda creepy that it sorta makes a cross.

Here's the Deal, Lord:

If, in fact, you did smite me for joking about your son, I gotta admit, it was a good one. Granted, a bolt of lightning would've been a much better closer to my set, but you're the boss! However, you gotta concede that the joke got a good laugh from the crowd.

So, here's the deal: Let me keep the joke in my act, and each time I do it on stage, I'll do...something. I'll donate to charity, I'll lay off the porn for a week, I'll do something of equal or greater value to the audience's reaction to atone for my sin. Have we got a deal?

Dec 5, 2008

The past week and a half

Thanksgiving was good. I got to hang out with the family, relax a bit and have a good time away from my usual life. I came back on Friday, and Chuckles was still alive and still had food in his bowl.

This week was spent trying to readjust to being back at work after a long weekend. Not too much work, but enough for me to sigh heavily with each new job ticket.

Wednesday night, I went up on open mic night and tried out some new material. Just my luck, I went up first again, and the new stuff got a few laughs, but probably would've done better with a slightly more inebriated audience. The feedback I got from the other comics was really helpful. They all agreed that they were those types of jokes, though good, would fit better in the middle of a long set, and wasn't strong enough to sustain a good opening or closing. Good to know for whenever I get a longer set. I'm performing this weekend, but I'm not so sure I'll try that new material again.

Today, I went for my once-weekly chicken pad thai fix. I went to Pei Wei, placed my order to go (because then I get my complimentary soft drink while I wait). In line behind me were a group of spoiled rich kids on lunch break from Holland Hall, and they were being all obnoxious, like they deserved to be at the front of the line.

Anyway, the lady finally asked me for my order, and walked away half-way through me telling her what I wanted. Turned out, she was trying to ring me up on a register without a till. Still, a "Hang on a second, sir." would've been nice, but anyway...

So, I waited for my food, and when my little restaurant pager went off, I got my food and quickly saw that they had given me chicken lo mein. I informed them of the mistake, and they said that they'd let me have the lo mein for free, and that another order of pad thai was already being prepared for another customer, so they'd fix another one for him.

When the correct order was being handed to me, one of the smug little shits who was in line behind me earlier came up to complain that his order for chicken pad thai was taking too long. I just smiled at the little fucker and walked away. Double karma: Free food for the rude treatment, and denying some rich kid of his convenience. Life is great!