You'd think that since I'm paying them money they'd simplify the process a bit

I had been planning to do laundry and pay bills today. That is all I was supposed to do.

The last time I did laundry, I went ahead and put twenty bucks on my card to save me having to get cash before I did it next time. Today, I got all my laundry together and headed down to the laundromat. Soon, it became apparent that there was something going on at TU. Traffic was slow, the street was blocked off, the side streets were flooded with parked cars, and once I finally reached the laundromat parking lot, it was full. Looking into the laundromat from my car, there were only three people in there doing their laundry. The closest place to park, from what I could tell was about five blocks away. I headed for home and decided to do laundry tomorrow.

I grabbed my bills and headed out to pay my bills. All of the utilities I pay at the ChoicePay kiosk at the grocery store. I got my cash at the ATM and went up to the kiosk. I was out of service. Oh well, I'll just go down the street to the other grocery store that has another kiosk.

Getting out the parking lot was a bit of a challenge. It was as if every soccer mom in the tri-state area decided at once to navigate their mini-vans through the parking lot after taking heroic doses of magic mushrooms. They paused at every stop sign like eventually they'd be shown a "go" sign. And the speed bumps? Let's just say I've seen people climb Everest with less hesitation. We used to send these kind of people away so they could knit imaginary sweaters all day or learn how to retread tires. Now, we give them mini-vans, a charge card and a shopping list.

I get to the other grocery store and the kiosk is being used by a woman with three kids, two full shopping carts and the mathematic agility of a dead squirrel. After several long minutes, she managed to push the right buttons, get her treat and off she went to go feed Jabba the Hutt. I got my utilities paid in a minute flat. All that was left was the cell phone bill.

I went into the US Cellular place that I purchased my phone, went up to the counter and waited. I understand it was busy, but it took fifteen minutes for someone to even acknowledge my presence. When Zippy the Wonder Clerk finally came out, he told me that I could just leave my payment on the counter. I told him that in the age of identity theft, I'm not buying the honor system they've got going on. Besides, I was paying with a check card. His respose to that, "Sir, you could do that over the phone."

After a deep breath, I let it all out. "I tried that once. I also tried paying over the internet, but both times it didn't get credited to my account. Now, I like to have a human being, maybe some sort of...let's call him a customer service representative, look me in the eye and tell me it's all in the system and, I dunno, maybe get a receipt! I know you've got a lot of new customers you gotta sign up right now, but I'm sure they'd understand and maybe appreciate that someone actually gets help after they sign up for your service."

Zippy asked that I wait for just a few more minutes and he'll be able to take care of it for me. I told him I had some paint drying at home that I'd rather watch and left.

My head was hurting and my blood sugar was low, so I pulled into Sonic and ordered a extra long chili cheese coney with mustard and onions, tater tots, and a cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper. What I got was a chili cheese coney, tater tots with mustard and onions and a cherry vanilla Diet Coke. I called the carhop back and sent everything back. When I got the corrected order, it looked like they dumped half a tub of mustard on the coney. Whatever, at least I didn't find a big loogie in it.

Driving home with my head still throbbing and with everyone in traffic not knowing where the hell they're going (only that they might find it if they turn left in front of me). I get a mile away from home and look off to my left and there is another US Cellular outlet with no one in the parking light, an open sign brightly lit, and what I believe is a beam of light from the heavens and a chorus of angels singing. I go in, pay my bill, get confirmation from a human being and a receipt! Cue Beetoven's Ode to Joy and I'm on my way home.

So now I'm home, breath reeking of mustard, headache almost gone and a feeling of relief that my bills are all paid up until next month. Maybe I'll try to get my laundry done at the crack of dawn tomorrow, before they roll the rock away from the front of the cave and let the crazies out.