Boobies lament

There's a "Gentlemen's Club", here in Tulsa that lightly grazed the wall of bad taste recently when it introduced its 2am breakfast buffet and called it "Legs and Eggs". Driving past this place the other day, I saw their sign for their Wednesday hot dog bar, which they have decided to name "Hot Dog Hump Day". If they so much as try to have some sort of taco-based promotion, I might have to schedule an intervention with the management staff. Personally, I'm waiting for the all-you-can-eat tater tots..."Tits and Tots Tuesday"!!!

I know it's against my genes as a hot-blooded, straight American male, but I don't dig on strip clubs. I guess it can be attributed to some really bad experiences in the past, totalling five.

The first one I ever went to really dashed my adolescent hopes. It was in the French Quarter and the sign outside said "Topless and Bottomless", which was aptly named because the dancers had no asses whatsoever. During my first table dance and the girl was so skinny and pale, I didn't want to give her money, I wanted to order her a ham sandwich.

The second time was just outside my hometown during a visit home from college. The girl on stage looked really familiar for some reason, and it didn't hit me until much later when she came to our table asking if any of us wanted a lap dance. She saw me and asked me if she knew me, to which I responded, "Yeah, I asked you to prom, and you turned me down...here's a dollar."

The third time was for my friend's birthday. Let me just say that taking your buddy to a strip club for any type of celebration (birthday, bachelor party, divorce, etc.) that calls for him to be called on stage and pick which stripper he wants a lap dance from...really shouldn't be a spectator sport if you didn't know your buddy's taste in women beforehand. Let's just say it wasn't pretty...like Momma from the Goonies kinda not pretty. It was a quiet ride home after that.

The fourth time, I got my first lap dance from a girl who actually talked about the troubles she was having with her boyfriend. Now, I'm willing to let it slide when people bring their home problems to work with them, but NOT in this case.

The last time was a couple years ago at a friend's bachelor party. One of the guys in our group had promised his wife he wouldn't go to the strip club, so I babysat him at my place and went to pick up the rest of the guys at closing time. When we got there for the rest of the group, I went inside to let them know we were in the parking lot. I found one of my friends sitting on pervert's row. I sat next to him to try to tell him, but was distracted by the feeling of hands on my knees. The stripper was positioning my knees to do a headstand in my lap.

With her ass right in my face, I signalled my friend to hand me a single. I slipped it in her g-string and went back to talking to my friend. But then, the stripper twisted my nipples...hard. My friend gave me another single for her...which was now please-stop-hurting-me money. Then, she lowered her head into my crotch and gave me a raspberry. That's not something you do down there! That's something you do to a baby's stomach!

I guess my real problem is that I just don't find it erotic. It doesn't tap into my libido to just see a girl shaking her assets on stage or in a back room. I need something more than that, some sort of connection, mental or emotionally for it to feel right. I guess if the girl was reciting literature up on stage I'd be more interested...

"It was the best of times...(tassle twirl)...it was the worst of times...(jiggle, jiggle)..."

"Call...(thrust)...me...(thrust)...Ismael...(shimmy)..."