An open letter to the Golden Compass protesters

To whom it may concern:

I've been reading a lot of articles about the controversy surrounding the Golden Compass. People are upset that it is supposedly anti-Christian, that it is a slight against God, etc. I just wanted to remind you of a simple little thing: It's a fucking movie! Calm down.

I'm not writing this as some sort of anti-Christian heretic, secular progressive, or whatever catchphrase of the nanosecond someone like you resorts to under the circumstances. I just want to make the point that the more you try to keep people from seeing the movie, the more they'll want to see it. Newton's Third Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Ironic that science applies to this, don't you think?

Also, I'm not just talking out of my ass here. Need proof? Five words: The Last Temptation of Christ. Tons of protests worldwide, plus a theater in France showing the film getting bombarded with molotov cocktails. The film made a decent profit and even netted Scorcese a Best Director nomination.

One more word: Dogma. Again, decent profit, particularly since you squeezed Disney's balls tight enough that the film had to be sold to and released by a smaller distributor. Plus, any hit the box office gross took was more than made up for on the DVD sales. Plus, Kevin Smith is still alive and working, despite the death threats he received.

Another example: The Da Vinci Code. Bad news, folks, it's getting a sequel!

I find it funny that the one film regarding Jesus that didn't get any protests (Passion of the Christ) turned out to be one of the bloodiest and most violent movies I've ever seen. Don't get me wrong, I understood the film's message of Jesus' suffering, but for crying out loud, ten overweight hemophiliacs combined, each with high blood pressure, Hepatitis C and every vein opened would bleed less than that.

Sure, you could argue that movies like these are just another example of how Hollywood is completely out of control and has absolutely no regard for common decency. I tend to agree with that viewpoint, you blame this on films like the Golden Compass, while for me it's because Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and Hillary Duff have film careers. And its true that Hollywood doesn't care about either of our opinions. They don't have to. Why? Because we're not the target audiences for the films that make us so upset!

But did you see me protesting House of Wax, Employee of the Month, or...whatever Hillary Duff was in last? No, because I've got better things to do with my life than to attempt to keep people from seeing a movie I don't want to have anything to do with in the first place. Which begs the question: Wouldn't this time spent picketing in front of the multiplex be better spent, I don't know, feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, or any of the other things Jesus actually talked about?

Besides, are you so afraid that your faith is that fragile that it will be shattered by listening to a song, watching a movie or reading a book? Well, maybe that's not that much of a stretch considering that your faith is essentially based on one book. Just saying...

Anyway, I'll be seeing the Golden Compass, despite your protests...maybe especially because of your protests. And don't bother telling me that I'm going to Hell or won't be allowed into Heaven because I buy a ticket to a movie you don't agree with. Think about it, regardless of whether I seek forgiveness in your opinion for my sins, if I have to spend eternity with irrational people like you, then your Heaven and my Hell are one and the same.

See you at the theater!