Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comments section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. One of the lesser known signs of heat stroke: Hallucinating images of Don Quixote, Captain Jack Sparrow, Lancelot and Pinnochio.

2. And no one believed her when she was asked to describe her attackers.


The winner of last week's contest will be announced next Monday.


July 31st's contest winner is Anonymous, with the caption: "Your ticket says Poughkeepsie, you're getting off in Poughkeepsie goddammit!"

I guess he's deserved some time off before Satan calls in his favor

I know, this is my third political post in a row, so I'll be brief:

Imagine my glee when I turned on the news this morning to hear that Karl Rove is resigning. Great news. It would've been greater news if it had happened five years ago, but I can accept it now.

He says he wants to spend more time with his wife and son...I'm guessing their names are Rosemary and Damien. Also, he says he wants to write a book...on sheets of human flesh with the blood of innocent children as ink for his quill. And, he wants to teach...As if law students and political science majors need to be taught how to stab people in the back.

But the first thing he wants to do after he leaves the White House, and this is true, he wants to go dove hunting. Isn't that the ultimate testament to his career, that the first thing he wants to do in his spare time is to kill the international symbol of peace?

Do they not think we keep these on file somewhere?

More video hilarity from the Bush administration. However, this is less funny-ha-ha, and more funny-he-he-we're-fucked.

What a difference thirteen years makes:

George W. Bush hates zombies

You could have all the political analysts you can get, talking 24 hours a day on every news channel on cable, and none of them can give the kind of insight that a well-written satire can. This clip made me laugh harder than I have in weeks, maybe months.

The definition of failure is pretty broad

At the end of the work day today, I had to do some brainstorming for imagery on a project. The subject of the project was overcoming failure.

I went to my favorite stock photography site to do a few quick searches. Under the search "overcoming failure", I came across a lot of pictures of people looking really stressed out, plus a couple of the same guy holding a gun to his head...none of them really screamed "overcoming". So, I broadened my search to simply "failure."

5,421 images. Among them were all the images I saw before plus different angles on the same action. However, some of the other shots this time just plain baffled me. For instance, there was a buxom blonde in a bikini on the beach. Surely the girl wasn't a failure, nor was the photographer for getting such a hot woman to pose in a bikini, so I'm left to wonder: Why was failure being used as a keyword here?

There were also shots of the Statue of Liberty, a guy lying on a pile of money, a mountain at sunset, a tall glass of beer, a sepia-toned pic of an electric guitar, and a little girl in pigtails sticking her tongue out. Clearly, these photographers have some issues to work out.

Not that I should criticize them too much. A couple years ago, I had put the words "shaved pussy" in one of my posts just so the blog would get more hits off of one of the more common Google searches.

My first flame

When I post my own movie reviews on this blogs, I am fully aware of the possibility to be flamed by some anonymous poster. It goes with the territory. The internet is supposed to be for the free exchange of ideas and opinions. One thing I've found in my own internet adventures, is that two subjects one can blog about will guarantee you a verbal lashing by a total stranger: Politics and movies. Seeing as I post a lot about politics and of movies, I guess I've been lucky to avoid this treatment...until now.

On my review of the movie Sunshine, there was this comment by Anonymous:

What exactly is so classic about this mess? The characters making idiotic mistakes that get them killed? The captain who has no idea how to lead? The writer who delights in preposterous death-traps? Beyond the pretty cast and the even prettier score, "Sunshine" is an exercise in stupidity. Getting truly sick of the post-MTV generation tagging this pug as a classic.

Now, I know I'm begging to be flamed back for responding to this, but I feel every blogger has to do it at least once, so here we go...

What exactly is so classic about this mess? Calm down. It's one person's opinion. All I said it was easily in my personal top five. I didn't say it should unseat Citizen Kane on the AFI 100 list. Just for some frame of reference, here are a few examples of some of my other favorite sci-fi movies: Strange Days, Dark City, Brazil, Blade Runner, 2001, Children of Men, 12 Monkeys, Dune...you know, real blockbusters that everyone appreciated.

The characters making idiotic mistakes that get them killed? Personally, I thought it was much more believable for the characters in this movie to at least acknowledge that everything they're doing is based solely on theory. At every corner, when forced to make a decision, they don't know if it'll work or not. At no point did any of the characters say the words "Trust me. This will work." It was always an educated guess! Besides, only one was an actual mistake (a miscalculation), and the guy who made that mistake was so distraught by its consequences that he had to be doped up and put on suicide watch.

The captain who has no idea how to lead? All of the crew members had their specific purpose on the mission. You had someone in charge of communications, one for life support, a physicist in charge of the payload, a crew psychologist, etc. Sure, if this had been a bigger Hollywood production, Bruce Willis would've been Captain Hardass with a Troubled Past Trying to Save the World in Order to Get His Kids Back, which I'm sure would've made you happier. However, this isn't Star Trek, or Babylon 5, or even Armageddon or The Core. The captain didn't assert his power because he realized he was just like everyone else on the ship...he was just trying to do his job. And he died doing his job: protecting the ship and its crew. The crew knew this, that's why no one listened to the Communications guy when he tried to claim himself as the Captain. It was a last-ditch effort to be considered useful again after the communications systems failed.

The writer who delights in preposterous death-traps? As opposed to the countless other fully believable, plausible and enjoyable sci-fi movies where the whole mission goes swimmingly and nothing ever goes wrong?

Beyond the pretty cast and the even prettier score, "Sunshine" is an exercise in stupidity. You know, most theaters will give you your money back during the first 45 minutes. Unless you just like to torture yourself for the full two hours just for the sake of bitching about it later...oh...nevermind.

Getting truly sick of the post-MTV generation tagging this pug as a classic. If it weren't for this statement, I wouldn't have ever responded like this. First of all, motherfucker (oh, may I call you motherfucker?), I've never considered myself part of any generation because I never fit in with any body of my own age group growing up. Instead, I've found companionship with a wide range of people with both similar and differing opinions than my own. The big difference between them and someone like you is they have the courtesy to either agree to disagree or not say anything if they've got nothing nice to say. But most importantly, I actually know who the hell they are!

But if I must split hairs, agewise, I'm the MTV generation (not post-), the ones that stopped watching after they stopped showing music videos. I can't stand the post-MTV crowd, and I hate being lumped in with them just because someone like you overheard the clerk at Pac-Sun say that the movie kicks ass. By all accounts, that is the only thing I have in common with them. Don't generalize.

Do the movies you hate really piss you off so much that you must rag on people who liked it? Do you do this in person as well? Are you hanging around Circuit City waiting to scream at anyone buying a Failure to Launch DVD? Do you throw rotten eggs at people leaving the theater after I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry lets out?

It's just a movie, it's just my opinion, and if you have further problems with it, please have the common courtesy to give your fucking name.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. This is just one of those Kodak moments that you can only ask permission for afterwards. If you're in a public restroom and a guy agrees to have his picture taken beforehand, you might just get more than you bargained for.

2. Poor Bill, he can't help but check out the packages of his imaginary friends.


I will announce last week's winner next Monday.


July 23rd's winner, based solely on it being the only non-Monty Python reference, is Anonymous, with: "In the ancient Orient, clans would develop a style of martial arts by observing animals in the wild and adapting the animal movements to enhance their their own fighting style. The following video shows, quite graphically, why the "Rabbit Style" was never very popular."

Sunshine

Wanna surreal experience? Catch an afternoon showing of the new movie Sunshine. That way, when you leave the theater and go out into the daylight, it just takes the whole experience home for you.

Sunshine is immediately in my top five for sci-fi. It embodies all of the best qualities I look for in a great science fiction film, in that you start with a very basic scientific principle/theory and build a very human drama around it and have it speak volumes about the human condition. It's a hard trick to pull off, and I haven't found a flick that has pulled it off as well as Sunshine.

Here's the setup: Years from now, our sun is dying. A daring space mission to deliver a massive bomb to reignite the sun has failed, and our story begins with the second and final attempt to save our sun and, in turn, our planet. Why our sun is dying is not explained. The back stories of the characters are not explained. The audience comes in halfway through the second mission, when two-way communication with Earth has cut off and one-way communication to Earth is about to be lost.

So, we're immediately at the point when interpersonal conflict starts taking its toll on the characters. They are increasingly aware of the risk involved in their mission and the fact that what they are trying to achieve is not certain. The results they're hoping for is merely a theory. To that end, they are constantly running diagnostics and simulations to calculate every move they make, knowing full well the chances of being really, really wrong.

Then, things start to go a little haywire. Human errors lead to mechanical errors and vice versa. A distress signal is picked up from the first mission, long since considered lost. Every possible solution to each problem leads to decisions that are based on ever-decreasing probability of success.

As life support systems start to fail, the only undercurrent in every character's motivation, their only common ground, is that if they fail, it's not just the people on the ship that are utterly fucked. There is no possibility of rescue, and no backup mission. The last of Earth's resources for such a mission are on their ship. And, as life support systems start to fail, theres no pussy-footing around about the idea that some crew members might have to waive their share of the oxygen.

This is a Danny Boyle film, so I knew one thing from his previous films to watch out for in Sunshine. There's a point in every one of his movies where everything gets turned on its ear. Unlike M. Night Shyamalan, the big twist isn't a head-scratching or eye-rolling gimmick. Boyle is able to make it all feel completely natural and he's able to do it for the right reason: to crank the tension up to eleven. If you watch Shallow Grave, 28 Days Later or Sunshine, you'll know that Danny Boyle is a master of this art.

Likewise, Boyle is great at taking a genre and...I hesitate to say reinvent or rejuvenate...but make it his own. In the hands of any other director, Sunshine would've been just another disaster movie. Shallow Grave was more Hitchcock than Hitchcock. 28 Days Later was such a good zombie picture that people don't even want to use the word zombie to describe it. Trainspotting was in such a class all by itself that I dare anyone to find another movie to include with it as a double feature.

The best part about Sunshine? Lack of mainstream appeal. It's the kind of movie that makes you proud to have seen and appreciated. The kind of movie that gives you a warm feeling knowing there won't be a Happy Meal toy or a shirt at Hot Topic that ties in with it. The kind of movie that makes you look down your noses at the people that didn't get it. The kind of movie that you'll have in your DVD collection and will immediately make someone watch when they tell you they hadn't seen it.

Been a few days

Thursday

Work was a bit of a sphincter-pucker. I had to hit the ground running on a project I forgot to get a partial proof to the client late Wednesday. Other little projects came back to haunt me as well, which kept interrupting this other brochure I was planning on working on all day. I'd get about five words typed in on the brochure and something else would take me away from it. Ironic, considering it was a brochure for a hospice center, and plugging in text about end-of-life care was taking me forever to get done.

Thursday night, I finally saw the Simpsons Movie. I was considering writing a review of it, but anyone who knows me knows that I was gonna think it was great. For once, a movie based on a TV show that doesn't try to pretend to be anything other than what it is, and is enjoyable from beginning to end. They didn't try to reinvent the wheel, or tie up any loose ends from the show or leave a cliffhanger to be resolved next season on the TV show. I was also very happy that they didn't go too heavy with stuff they couldn't get away with on TV. Any touches of risque behavior was done with a steady hand.

What were the highlights? Bart skateboarding naked (with a genitalia-obscuring gag that puts Austin Powers to shame AND the greatest Ralph Wiggum-ism ever), a great off-camera sex scene, Grand Theft Walrus, Spider Pig/Harry Plopper, etc. Even the stuff I've seen a million times in trailers and commercials had me laughing my ass off.

After the movie, Cairde na Gael was playing at Arnie's Bar. I didn't stay nearly as late as I usually do, because I was exhausted.


Friday

Work was pretty steady throughout the day. Both of my bosses were out most of the morning, which allowed my blood pressure to remain low.

Friday night, I had a date. I've made it a personal rule not to post any major details about dating, at least for a while. I do this for many reasons. 1) I've got many friends foaming at the mouth for details and I figured I'd torture them for a while. 2) I've had trouble in the past with the women I've dated reading what I've written about them in the blog and getting upset that I wrote about this, left out that, etc. I'd rather leave this stuff private until I better know what should be classified information. 3) I don't want to get back in the habit of writing down every hope, fear, wish or doubt I'm having at any given moment about a budding relationship. While it's a great way for me to sort out what's in my head, the backlash is too severe for me to risk. and 4) I just want to enjoy it for myself.


Saturday


I woke up early and could really fall back asleep. I walked around the Farmer's Market, grabbed some Cafe Cubana, drove around for about an hour, got some lunch and went back home to veg out for the rest of the day until it was time to go work the door at Arnie's.

Last night was night of the cheapskates. I had what seemed like 35 people in a row turn away at the door because they didn't want to spend three dollars to get in. Larkin was putting on one hell of a show, and all those losers really missed out. Another highlight of the night was the girl, a very American girl in voice, dress and attitude, who only had Euros in her wallet. Apparently, I need to familiarize myself with exchange rates before I work the door again.

No food for me, or cash, or much of anything convenient for the next few days

Two lessons learned today:

1. Before going grocery shopping and filling a cart with stuff, always check your wallet for your debit card.
2. From now on, stick to the ATMs where you swipe your card, rather than insert it into the machine.

Yes, for the second time in a year, I left my fucking ATM card in one of the fucking ATMs that not only suck your fucking card into the machine, but also shreds said fucking card rather than stores it in a little fucking compartment for easy retrieval by a fucking bank manager when given a simple fucking explanation and shown a fucking driver's license.

So, again I have to wait another 5-7 business days for a new card and will have to live off checks in the meantime. Of course, if I just write a big check out to cash, I should look like a high roller for the next week or so...which might impress my date on Friday.

The funny thing is, I lost my card at an ATM located at the Reasor's on 15th street this morning, and I realized I lost it while trying to pay for my groceries at a Reasor's on Yale! Why did I go to two of the same chain of grocery stores in the same day, much less first thing in the morning? Cute story.

I get out of the shower this morning and hear my cell phone ringing. It was one of my co-workers calling to ask me if I could pick up some half & half on my way in. I agreed, not questioning it at all until I was standing at the dairy case at QuikTrip, where there was no half & half. Everybody in the office uses the non-dairy creamer for their coffee, you know, the big ass tub with the pump that you find at Sam's Club. I call her back and ask why we needed half & half. Turns out my boss brought in a huge carafe from Cafe Cubana for the office this morning. This information not only supplied me with purpose, but also a new-found sense of urgency to get to the office.

Seriously, if you live in Tulsa, and you haven't had Cafe Cubana coffee...get off your ass! You know that scene from Pulp Fiction where Mia Wallace gets the shot of adrenalin directly to her heart? It's kinda like that, only you're drinking really good coffee. It gives me the jolt I need to get through the morning, only I get to savor it instead of holding my nose and chugging the Folgers shit we usually get at the office.

That's part of the reason I left my ATM card behind in the machine. I was in a rush to get to the office for coffee. Although, in hindsight, Maybe I shouldn't have been in that much of a rush considering people were waiting on me to get there with the half & half.

And another silver lining to this story is that I really didn't need all that food I was buying. I ignored the old adage that you should never go grocery shopping when you're hungry, and man oh man was I hungry. I was throwing stuff in my cart that the poor kids who were gonna have to put it all back wouldn't know where they were stocked. I had artichoke hearts, garbanzo beans, Wolfgang Puck frozen pizza, oyster crackers... stuff I don't think I've ever consumed, much less purchased before in my entire life! Imagine what that cart would've looked like if I were stoned!

The really funny thing is, it's now 10:30, and I still haven't eaten. In fact, my hunger went away in the panic of not finding my debit card.