Oh, TheraFlu, if we lived in Canada, I would make you my bride

I've managed to avoid getting the flu for the past four years or so. That lucky streak came to a close this week. Headaches, body aches, congestion, spiked temp, the whole shebang! Monday and Tuesday I was functional enough to go into work. After all, as long as I can move my hands and focus my eyes, I can do my job on a basic level.

This morning was another matter. I felt like I had woken up on Jupiter. It took almost all of my strength to crawl into the living room and get the phone off the charger, and the rest of my energy to call in sick to work. I went back to bed and slept for another three or so hours.

Monday night I dipped into my stash of pre-psuedoephedrene-ban Nyquil, and I had myself a beautiful little nine-hour coma. Last night, I stopped by the store and bought a box of Theraflu and a box of Theraflu PM. The nighttime formula, sad to say, didn't do shit for me. I coughed and sneezed, tossed and turned until I eventually passed out from exhaustion.

This morning, after sleeping in, I stumbled out of bed at around 11:30. I lazily made myself some breakfast, stopping myself moments short of pouring grapefruit juice over my Cocoa Pebbles. I thought I'd give the daytime Theraflu a whirl. I drank down the medicine, took an extra long, extra hot shower...and when I got out, in the middle of drying my hair, THE THERAFLU KICKED IN! I FELT GREAT!!!

It was like that adrenaline shot scene from Pulp Fiction in liquid form. It was like mainlining B-12, espresso, crack cocaine and wheatgrass juice directly into my eyeballs. And I can't be certain of this, but I think I may have actually slowed the space/time continuum for a moment or two.

My symptoms were marginalized, my fever went away, and I was hyper as hell! Seriously, I don't think I blinked for three hours. I don't know what they put in that shit, but I'm shocked they let it out over-the-counter. I got dressed and went to work.

And boy, did I go to work. I nailed a full day's worth of work in about four hours. Naturally, productivity lagged a bit as the medicine started to wear off. Oh, well, it was the end of the work day, and I was hankering for a big bowl of soup and some time on the couch. So shall it be.