Introducing The Code Blue Burger™

After much brainstorming with my boss in a long-running joke around the office, I am proud to introduce The Code Blue Burger™...quite possibly the most unhealthful burger known to man. No veggies, absolutely nothing that isn't condemned by your cardiologist and guaranteed to give you a lethal heart attack within one hour or its free.

It weighs in at a grand total of three pounds. Any nutrients contained within are cancelled out by all kinds of fats, nitrates and miscellaneous artery-clogging materials too numerous to mention by name. It's the gastric equivalent of bungee jumping with a chain. If it makes it that far, it'll shred your intestines like paper in a monsoon. It'll hit your blood stream like a shot from a cannonball. Not for the weak. Not recommended for the strong, either. Make your peace with God and dig in!

Let's look at the breakdown* of this monster:

1. Enriched white bun. No sesame seeds. Extra starches. No nutritional value whatsoever.

2. Two 3/4 lb. half-beef, half-pork sausage patties, painstakenly injected with garlic butter.

3. Four layers of oil-based American cheese with none of that pesky lactose or calcium to get in your way.

4. Two strips of thick-cut, fat-heavy peppered bacon. One strip crispy, one strip soft.

5. Thick layer of mayonaise.

6. The whole burger deep-fried Monte Cristo style!

7. A hefty scoop of four-alarm, five-meat chili.

8. A hearty layer of the finest cheese-like sauce...from a can!

9. White gravy.

10. More canned cheese.

11. Brown gravy.

12. Two bonus strips of that yummy peppered bacon.

13. For a real taste explosion, we add a layer of Hollandaise sauce.

14. To bring it all home, a fried egg on top.


Consume at your own risk. A liability waiver must be signed and witnessed by a notary public before ordering. Jalapeno peppers available by request.

* Please note the irony of using the word "breakdown" in any form in regards to this burger, as it will not break down under any circumstances (in the stomach, in a landfill, anywhere).

I'm sorry, which finishing school did you graduate from?

I got into a bit of a tiff with a co-worker today. This guy works in the back of the shop, he's younger, and in most of my interactions with him, his sense of humor is immature at best. Usually I can just tune him out. But today, he kinda crossed a line with me.

I got some sesame chicken from Egg Roll Express. The food isn't particularly good, but I keep going back just because I think the guy running the place is hilarious. Every time he hands you your order, he always says, Have a good one!", but with his thick accent, it comes out as "Avagoowonn!"

I head back to the office with my food, intending to "Avagoowonn!" I head back to the break room, grab a soda and get ready to eat. This guys comes out of the restroom, takes one look at my food and says, "Man, I just shit something out that looks just like that!"

I just looked him in the eye and told him to leave. Now.

I wanted to just eat my lunch in peace and without it being compared to a bowel movement. One would think that this is a right that falls under the category of goes without saying. However, the rest of the day, any time I saw this guy, he would ask me if I shit it out yet, whether I thought it would look the same as it did going in, and why I was getting so upset about it?

My answers were: "Shut the fuck up.", "Seriously, shut the fuck up.", and "Because after I turned ten, shit stopped being funny, particularly when it's relating to what I was eating at that very moment." I told the guy to name me one situation, aside from Rodney Dangerfield entering a country club dining hall, where that kind of talk is remotely appropriate. His response: "What? Don't you ever take a shit?"

Yes, I shit quite normally, thanks for asking, but that doesn't mean I use it as a basis of comparison for anything, much less what I decide to eat! Is this how you order your food at a restaurant? Yes, I'll have the huge dump, a couple of fizzies, a squirter and a double-groaner.

Towards the end of the day, Any time this guy so much as made eye contact with me, I gave him a pre-emptive shut-the-fuck-up. The thing that tickled me most about this was that this guy has a girlfriend. Wow. What a courtship this must've been! Did he woo her by belching the alphabet and lighting his farts on fire?

To quote Bill Hicks, "And I'm not getting laid?"

Horrible double features that would look great on a marquee together

The Mask (with Jim Carrey) / Mask (with Cher)

Stepmom / Stepfather

The Departed / The Arrival

Dead Calm / High Anxiety

Dog Day Afternoon / K-9

28 Days / 28 Days Later

Airplane / Crash

Clerks / Shopgirl

Before Sunset / After the Sunset

Thief / Dude, Where's My Car?

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly / Sex, Lies & Videotape

Network / Anchorman

Jackie Brown / Meet Joe Black

Just Like Heaven / From Hell

What's the Worst That Could Happen? / Knocked Up

Seven / 8 1/2

I gotta waive my right to party

I was supposed to be throwing a party on July 7th. I was hoping for it to be a great time. I had a great theme, a perfect plan, and all of the best intentions, and then the forces of the universe conspired to ruin it all before anything could really happen. I now have been forced to cancel the party. Shit.

It was bad enough that most of the invitees would be out of town and/or have a gig to play, but there were two straws that broke the camel's back:

1) Two days after I sent out the e-vites to the party, my boss told me that a big project would be coming in on the 6th, and it would need to be completed by the 9th. There went that weekend. However, the party would still be doable if it hadn't been for...

2) Last night, my friend Mary called me to let me know that she and Amy had been offered a gig at the Mercury Lounge that night. No party of mine takes priority over a paying gig, and besides, it wouldn't be the same without them there.

So, maybe I'll reschedule the party for sometime in August. Fingers crossed.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine:

1. Worst prom king and queen EVER!

2. Rejected success story for eHarmony.com.


The winner of last week's caption contest will be announced next Monday.


The winner of June 11th's contest is Candace with the caption: "You may represent the Lolli-pop Guild, but we're little bitches with ray guns."

Welcome to JadeDate, because bitter, cynical assholes need love, too

Thanks for choosing JadeDate, the online dating service for the unhappy and the malcontent. Let's get you started, I guess.


Why JadeDate?

Perhaps you've been rejected one (or twenty) too many times. Perhaps eHarmony rejected your profile and keeps sending you spam for psychological counseling. Have you ever had to have been explained the subtle differences between "like", "love" and "in love" more than five times in your lifetime? Has "let's just be friends" ever turned out to mean "the guy I'm now sleeping with is coming to pick me up in five minutes to take me on a ride in his Trans Am"? Has your most meaningful relationship in years been a five-minute speed date session?

If you answered "Don't remind me" to any of those questions, then JadeDate may be the answer for you.


Starting your profile:

About you:

Answer the following questions, as bluntly as you can:
Name:___________________________
Age:___________________________
I am a: ( ) Man ( ) Woman ( ) Unsure at this point in my life
Are you: ( ) single ( ) divorced ( ) I guess you can technically call it married
Do you smoke? ( ) yes ( ) no
Do you drink? ( ) yes ( ) no
If no, why the hell not?___________________________
To you, love is: ( ) A battlefield ( ) Dead ( ) A cruel joke
( ) A marketing concept perpetrated by Madison Avenue
( ) For people not in touch with the harsh realities of the world
( ) Something I felt...once...for a short while...sigh...
( ) Other___________________________
I live: ( ) alone ( ) with roommates ( ) do pets count?
A first date with me tends to include one or more of the following:
( ) Dinner ( ) Weaseling out of paying the check
( ) Movie ( ) Dollar theater ( ) Sneaking in
( ) Drinks ( ) More drinks ( ) With roofies
( ) Awkward goodnight kiss ( ) With groping
( ) Sex ( ) Gets a little rough ( ) Lots of crying
( ) Breakfast ( ) Sneaking out quietly
( ) Marriage proposal ( ) Calling the cops
Touchy issues (choose all that apply): ( ) Committment
( ) Family ( ) Finances ( ) Past relationships
( ) Sex ( ) Politics ( ) Religion
( ) Talking about me ( ) Talking about you
( ) Kirk vs. Picard ( ) Did Han Solo shoot first?
( ) Other___________________________
Photo (optional, we understand): (upload)


Who you're looking for:

I am looking for a: ( ) Man ( ) Woman ( ) Whatever

Okay, let's face it, that's all we need to ask about what you're looking for. Seriously, if you're coming to us, you can't be that picky.


How to use JadeDate:

This is a free service. Just look through our profiles, and contact them at your own leisure/risk.


Terms and conditions:

JadeDate accepts no responsibility for whatever happens to you now. If it works out, we'd love to hear from you in hopes for a "success stories" section on our website, but we're really not holding our breath. If it doesn't work out, we are not liable, so don't come bitching to us. It's free, so you can't sue us for your money back. And remember, no means no.

Outraged yet?

Paris Hilton spends less than a month in jail, and NBC is gonna pay her $1 million for her first interview after her release. There are people starving in this country, there are injustices carried out every day, there are wars being fought, people are dying, and a woman who is already worth millions upon millions of dollars, for which she has not earned one penny, is getting paid more than I would make in a lifetime to talk about being held in county lockup for less than a month for driving on a suspended license.

See, this is why the aliens haven't landed and shared their wisdom and technology with us. Because they know we, as a society, are fucking morons who wouldn't know an a real news story unless it was made into a major motion picture with the star getting paid $20 million. Even then, the movie wouldn't make much money because that star wasn't Lindsay Lohan or Larry the Cable Guy.

I guarantee you, the day cancer is cured, it'll be a minor bulletpoint in the news while shit like this will get the banner headline.

I like pie

I just got home from watching the movie "Waitress'. While I considered what I would write in a review of the film, I got the crazy idea NOT to write a review of the film. It's an excellent film that deserves to be watched knowing as little as possible about the plot. All I will say is, just try to watch this film without getting a craving for pie afterwards...and I got one question: Why is "Earl" the new go-to name for selfish, unredeemable asshole characters? Between the Dixie Chicks and this movie, the name Earl will always be associated with abusive husbands. My dad's name was Earl, for Christ's sake!

...Gee, you know a movie must be good if that's he only thing I have a bone to pick about it. At least "My Name is Earl" is attempting to make the name good again.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. "Oh, shit. No one move. I just lost a contact."

2. "Frank, I swear to God, if you make another smartass comment the next time I tell you I need suction over here, I'm gonna bury a ten blade in your fucking eye socket."


The winner of last week's contest will be announced next Monday.


June 4th's winner is Candace, with the caption: "Take that Susan from Tennesee, this pot of Texas Holdem is going to buy me a new habit!"

Fathers

Today is Father's Day. In my life, I've had four father figures to look up to, and I think of them all every day, I'll be writing about them today:

1. Earl Fritschie was my father. He was a wonderful father. While I still have trouble remembering most of my childhood, many of them were happy memories of my family and particularly of my father. My parents divorced when I was eleven, and the reasons for which were not made clear to me for several years afterward. And while that chain of events has had a profound effect on my view of relationships, and has led me to worry about my role in every relationship I've ever had, I have great confidence in my abilities as a father if that were to take place. Thanks solely to my father's dedication to my bother and I. It's been nearly 18 years since my father passed away, and I still miss him terribly.

2. Edward Fritschie was my grandfather. He was an incredibly loyal man, to his friends and to his family. My brother and I lost our father at the most critical ages in our lives (12 and 16 respectively), and Papaw helped fill the void and teach us the lessons we needed to become men. At the same time, we helped fill the void left after he lost his son. Papaw passed away only a few years ago, in the same hospital, and the same floor as my father had 14 years before. It was a major rite of passage for me, eerily mirroring what I had gone through as a scared 12-year-old boy while I faced it again as a man. It led me to confront those fears I had as a child. I was able to mourn without withdrawing as I did then. Today, while I miss my Papaw with every fiber of my being, I still celebrate his life.

3. Harry Schwartz was the man who gave me my first job: washing dishes at his restaurant. He taught me the value of a honest day's work, and helped shape my twisted sense of humor. He was the owner of the Hamburger Barn, where all of the tables were rectangular except for one round table in the back, reserved for Harry and the affectionately called Knights of the Round Table...an exclusive club of Harry's closest friends. My mother was first welcomed into the order, and by tagging along with her, I became the youngest knight. We would meet for dinner at the round table several nights a week, shoot the shit and have a great time. We became family. During my darkest and moodiest years as a teenager, Harry and the others took it upon themselves to "raise me right"; instilling upon me the lessons they felt I needed to be a man. It was only in chatting with the other knights at Harry's funeral that it I discovered the real reason why they did that...because they were all afraid I'd turn out "a little fruity." Nonetheless, I'm truly grateful. I lost touch with Harry after I moved away to college. When he became sick, I wanted to go see him, but my mother told me he didn't want me to see him like that, but he was tickled to hear how I had turned out...relatively fruit-free.

4. Mike Gilbert is my stepfather. He met my mother my senior year of high school. After a really bad experience my mother had with this asshole named Joe, the Knights of the Round Table vowed to put whomever attempted to woo my mother through a strenuous approval process. Mike passed with flying colors. I was the real test, however. Joe managed to hide the abuse he brought upon me and bullshit his way out of it all and back into my mother's heart on more than one occasion, so there was a serious trust barrier there. Thankfully, I liked Mike right away, and he fit into our family perfectly. I spoke with him today and wished him a happy Father's Day. I am forever in his debt, in more ways than one.