I witnessed something truly remarkable today. I had to stop by this one check-cashing place today to pay my gas bill. The guy in line in front of me was waiting for approval for his payday advance loan. All the while, he's flirting with the girl behind the counter, and even managed to get her phone number.
That, my friends, is a man of confidence. He's not gonna let the fact that he's broke as hell get in the way of getting laid.
I left that place filled with hope.
Posts are gonna be few and far between until at least June, as the busy season is ramping up at work. Plus, I have a lot more items on my social calendar, and I've developed quite an addiction to Facebook.
The stakes are a bit higher this year at work. The big project of the year is gonna be bigger, plus my support team of ONE PERSON is strictly part-time. Oh well, tons of overtime just in time for a new car payment.
Speaking of which, the truck is giving me many more kicks in the ass to get something new in the vehicle department. I don't know why, but it seems that every time that truck breaks down is on a Thursday night (which assures me that it'll be in the shop all the following weekend), and also when I'm on my way home from the grocery store (assuring possible spoilage of anything perishable).
So, this weekend I was dependent on others for transportation, when I wasn't doing some serious spring cleaning at home. This place is nearly sterile. All I have left is to put up my clothes and some dishes and I will have a spic-and-span homestead.
And now, I have to cut this post short, as there is a huge thunderstorm building outside, and I gotta power this computer down.
Tonight, I made good on my resolution to do something incredibly scary. In fact, it scared the living shit out of me until the moment I stepped up and did it. Now, I can say that I have done stand-up comedy.
For the past few weeks, I've been taking part in my friend Corey's stand-up workshop. Mostly, I've been observing the process of writing, performing, polishing and performing it better. I've been writing my material, practicing in the car, getting notes from the folks in workshop, and getting everything committed to memory.
Tonight, I put my name on the list. There were three people with reserved slots on open mic night, and all those who were left drew numbers for the remaining four slots (#4-#7). Given the number of comics drawing numbers, I thought my chances for a reprieve were pretty good.
I got slot number #5. Time to cowboy up, Fritschie!
I went outside and chain smoked until the show began. I tried my damnedest to recalll what I used to do in high school drama to ease my nerves and overcome stage fright. Nothing was coming to mind. I went over my act in my head and made sure I had it all down pat.
The first two comedians got up and did a great job. They got the crowd fired up. My nerves were settling quite a bit. Then the third comic got up and...Dear God, he was awful. The silence from the audience actually seemed like negative noise, in that it absorbed any and all sound in the room. It was death. I thanked my lucky stars that I didn't have to immediately follow that guy, but I needed a miracle to get the crowd back to laugh mode.
The emcee pulled it off, and the next comic brought everyone back in our favor. I stood by the stage waiting for my time, and my knees started to shake uncontrollably. When my name was called, I took one step on the stage, and all my nervous energy shifted into the sarcastic vibe I needed for the act.
I joked about growing up in Arkansas with pseudo-hippie parents, smoking pot, having the flu and Nyquil, and it went amazingly well. Practicing these bits, I had it all down to a trim four minutes, but in delivering it on stage, I got it all in at 3:45. I kinda choked on my closer, but overall, I did great...enough to want to do it again and again.
Now, I'm making the point to write one joke per day and try to polish them up into future bits. This is gonna get interesting.
16 days since my last post..a new record. I've been kinda swamped. Here are the highlights:
- I've joined a stand-up workshop, and my debut as a comedian should be coming up in the next couple weeks. I'm just taking my time right now, getting a feel for writing the material, and practicing like mad so that my first set will go a smoothly as possible. More on this as it develops.
- Work is ramping up for the busy season, and all of the usual clients are starting to get anxious. Fortunately, I have a new assistant, and a new company policy that dictates that whomever wrote up the order is to be the main contact with the client. So, that buys me some time to get some work done.
- One last round of publicity for the art show. We sold a second piece, and we're planning a silent auction for the last full night of the show. How's this for perfect: That night is not only midnight movie night with Wild At Heart, but earlier in the evening, they'll be showing the new George Romero zombie flick Diary of the Dead. The auction begins at 9:00 and bids will be accepted until just before midnight. I'll be going in to OklaTravelNet for another segment on the show and to plug the auction. I'm hoping to have this go out with a bang.
- I helped out at Arnie's Bar for St. Patrick's Day. It was a two-night event; Saturday and Monday. Saturday, I worked the front door until we reached capacity, at which point I was stationed at the back door making sure not to let anyone in until someone else exited. Monday, I was at the main gate outside keeping people from leaving with alcohol. It was an exhausting experience, and I had to be a real asshole to a lot of people, but I was commended for being more diplomatic than most people would have been in my position.
Monday night was particular fun just seeing how many phrases I could come up with in lieu of no alcohol beyond this point. The ones I was particularly proud of were "Kill it or spill it!", "Down it or dump it!", "Chug it or chuck it!" and "Toss it back or toss it out!"
- Tonight, I'm still undecided on going to Arnie's. I've been out every night for the past week, and the sleep debt is building up interest. I may go down for a short while, but if i do, I gotta stay home tomorrow night and get some sleep.
In the meantime, Lost is on in five, four, three, two, one...
I tend to grade the people I deal with on a daily basis. I base my grade on their ability to carry themselves through their daily lives, and their ability to make reasonable, intelligent and logical choices. There are bonus points for inspiring others to better themselves, as well as demerits for being a dumbass or an asshole. The Dalai Lama ranks in the high 90's, while Bill O'Reilly barely even registers.
Sure, this kinda paints a portrait of me as an elitist snob, but please keep in mind that I grade myself somewhere around 70%.
My point in telling you this (and by you I mean the 18 people a day that actually read my little diatribes), is that it's just a flimsy pretext to convey to you the kind of people I have had to deal with for the past few days; the average grade seems to be around 20%. Of course, I could just say that people are fucking stupid, but I've never been a traveler of the path of least resistance.
Yesterday, I had to deal with a man who, to put it lightly, couldn't find his own ass with a map, both hands and a sherpa. The man has been to our office five times, and has had to call for directions every time. Incidentally, the man is a minister. Not to say that all men of the cloth are this absent-minded, but it made me laugh to think that while it is commendable to give one's life to the Lord, I don't think basic memory skills were part of the contract.
Anyway, the guy nitpicked his most recent job to death. No detail was insignificant, something always had to be wrong, and it was his duty to find it. We went over everything with this guy, from paper stock, to ink colors, to fonts...everything. We proofed it on the computer monitor, black and white prints, color prints, email... making dozens of little tweaks along the way... on a business card. We finally got the layout approved, we got the cards printed, he signed for them, paid his bill and left.
Yesterday, he called back wanting to print them again, with more changes, and he wanted them done for free. They just weren't what he had in mind, and apparently, it was my fault. Nevertheless, he's gonna keep and use the old cards. This is equivalent to going to Wal-Mart, buying a full cart load of things you know you don't want, and instead of returning the items or not paying for them in the first place, you just leave the items at home and kick the greeter in the nuts. GRADE: 15%
There was another job that was proofed at least a dozen times, by six different people, over the course of two months, and the mistakes weren't noticed until it was printed and handed out to at least 200 people. Each person who looked at this thing had control over their own segment of brochure, and each person is an intelligent person I've worked with before, but no one looked at any other part. So, details got overlooked. Gee, I want to be on a committee someday, just so I can be forgiven of the responsibility of reading every thing that gets put in front of me. GRADE: (Individuals on average) 80%, (as a committee) 10%
Today at lunch, I hit the drive-thru at Braums for a bacon cheeseburger combo. The fries were still frozen in the center and a crucial part of the burger was missing... namely the burger patty. I'm glad I got impatient and decided to try and eat on the way back to the office. That way, I just had to backtrack about a block to return the iced potatoes and the worst BLT on the planet. The trainee who made the food just giggled. GRADE: 12%
On the way back home tonight, a man made a right turn at a busy intersection... from the left turn lane... on a red light... and had the nerve to be pissed at the person that hit him. GRADE: 2%
Playing online poker tonight, I wasn't paying attention to what buttons I was pressing, and went all in with an 8 high. I got beat by a pair of twos. GRADE: 1% if I was using a pay-to-play site, but thankfully I wasn't.
Oh well, maybe tomorrow, the grades will be higher.
I've managed to avoid getting the flu for the past four years or so. That lucky streak came to a close this week. Headaches, body aches, congestion, spiked temp, the whole shebang! Monday and Tuesday I was functional enough to go into work. After all, as long as I can move my hands and focus my eyes, I can do my job on a basic level.
This morning was another matter. I felt like I had woken up on Jupiter. It took almost all of my strength to crawl into the living room and get the phone off the charger, and the rest of my energy to call in sick to work. I went back to bed and slept for another three or so hours.
Monday night I dipped into my stash of pre-psuedoephedrene-ban Nyquil, and I had myself a beautiful little nine-hour coma. Last night, I stopped by the store and bought a box of Theraflu and a box of Theraflu PM. The nighttime formula, sad to say, didn't do shit for me. I coughed and sneezed, tossed and turned until I eventually passed out from exhaustion.
This morning, after sleeping in, I stumbled out of bed at around 11:30. I lazily made myself some breakfast, stopping myself moments short of pouring grapefruit juice over my Cocoa Pebbles. I thought I'd give the daytime Theraflu a whirl. I drank down the medicine, took an extra long, extra hot shower...and when I got out, in the middle of drying my hair, THE THERAFLU KICKED IN! I FELT GREAT!!!
It was like that adrenaline shot scene from Pulp Fiction in liquid form. It was like mainlining B-12, espresso, crack cocaine and wheatgrass juice directly into my eyeballs. And I can't be certain of this, but I think I may have actually slowed the space/time continuum for a moment or two.
My symptoms were marginalized, my fever went away, and I was hyper as hell! Seriously, I don't think I blinked for three hours. I don't know what they put in that shit, but I'm shocked they let it out over-the-counter. I got dressed and went to work.
And boy, did I go to work. I nailed a full day's worth of work in about four hours. Naturally, productivity lagged a bit as the medicine started to wear off. Oh, well, it was the end of the work day, and I was hankering for a big bowl of soup and some time on the couch. So shall it be.
I try to make it a point to have two negative posts in a row, but this has been one shit-sucking week for me, and I need to vent.
WORK
Almost every job I've worked on this week has been kicked back to me by someone who has absolutely no idea what they're talking about...really stretching the credibility of the phrase "the customer is always right." It actually got me to the point that I almost inserted the words just approve the layout already, dickhead into some copy I was typesetting this morning. I also had to do a job today that the further I got into it, the more demeaning it felt. All I'll say is, some third-grader's getting an A in Geography.
VEHICLE
The truck has sprung a leak in thee cooling system. It's been like this for a while, but it's getting too much to coast by with a fresh dose of anti-freeze every week or so. A guy at work has diagnosed the problem and agreed to help me fix it. It's either the water pump or the water pump gasket going bad. But in order to fully diagnose the pump problem, we'll need to ruin the gasket getting it out. Plus, It's freezing cold and I can't just re-fill it with water until Sunday, when he's free to work on it.
And if the truck does wind up having to go into the shop, I'll need a different vehicle to drive in the meantime. Just the kick in the ass I need to get a new car and be rid of that truck for good. I went on my first test-drive today. I told the guy, I need a four-door sedan with a standard transmission, preferably foreign, and for around $10,000. What I would up test-driving was a Ford Focus, which I was ultimately told was way out of my price range. Oh, well, I wasn't expecting to sign on the line on the first shot.
LOVE LIFE
I got into a conversation last night with a girl I briefly dated about a year and a half ago, and it turns out she had recently met the woman I had dated right after her, and the gist of their conversation was about what I had told the second girl about the first girl. When I was asked if I had indeed said those things, I told the truth, that it was a long time ago, and I don't remember ever saying those things.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm no stranger to past and present girlfriend knowing one another and sometimes exchanging notes, but this was bordering on ridiculous. 31 years old, and suddenly I'm back in eighth grade.
As for the present, nothing new to report.
OVERALL
I'm feeling some pretty heavy burnout the past few days. To tell the truth, I've been itching to play Leaving Las Vegas: the home game. Oh, well, it's been a shit-sucking week and thank God it's Thursday.
They just had a report on the news about the latest trend for teenagers to get high: Choking each other into unconsciousness. I'm reminded about something Dennis Miller once said, you know, before he became a right wing nutjob. He said, "You could get get rid of all the drugs on the planet, and people will just start spinning around on the front lawn until they're too dizzy to stand up."
Wanna know the first word that came to my mind when I saw this report? Eugenics. Thinning the herd. Any kid dumb enough to willingly let a friend put them in a sleeper hold has a fairly good chance of not growing up to have kids of their own. I'm not advocating drug use for kids and teenagers, but there's gotta be some sort of statement to come out of this about our declining civilization when kids resort to cutting oxygen from their brains instead of asking around to see if anyone knows where they can score some pot?
And it's not too difficult to find some pot these days, is it? Not at all. Ask ten random people and I guarantee you at least one of them has a connection. See how well that war on drugs has worked out for us? Funny how I can find high grade weed when I apply myself, but thanks to government regulations, I can't find a cold medicine worth a damn when I'm actually sick!
I'm waiting for the PSA's on this choking thing. They'll start claiming that hugging is a gateway drug or some bullshit like that.
On the other hand, one good thing to potentially come out of this choking craze is the possibility that professional wrestling will be taken off the air due to its promoting of the choke hold. Because that's the first rule of government regulation of behavior: Go after the most famous person emulating that heinous act, regardless of how directly connected to the problem they may be, and let everything else fall through the cracks.
Thanks to Janet Jackson, we'll never see anyone under the age of fifty, or female for that matter, play another Super Bowl halftime show ever again...but we'll let Bret Michaels have his own reality show where he makes hot women play tackle football in the mud to win his affections. News pundits get to wag their fingers at people like Amy Winehouse for doing drugs before cutting to five commercials in a row for various prescription medications.
Think I'm blowing this a little out of proportion? Consider this: When they released the teaser trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie this past week, something seemed a bit odd. They came to the shot that revealed Indy's face for the first time, and there was a weird glitch in the belt/pants area of the guy standing next to him. Watch it, preferably the high-def version. It's the shot where Ray Winstone has his hands up and says, "This isn't gonna be easy."
SIDE NOTE: Trust me, this isn't the weirdest way I've ever tied a discussion back to Indiana Jones.
My first thought when I discovered this little glitch was that it was crappy internet video trying to catch up to my streaming speed. When it fully loaded, I played it back and the problem was still there. So, I then thought, bad digital composite rushed out to get the trailer done. A few message boards later, I found out something more sinister at foot...thanks to our ever on-the-ball friends at the MPAA Ratings Board.
You see, America has a sensitivity towards gun violence in our media. Plus, we're at war at the moment, so seeing American soldiers pointing guns at innocent people is a bit too much for audiences to handle, regardless of the context. So, this particular shot had to be retouched for release in American theaters. To confirm this, I watched the international version of the trailer. Here's a side-by-side for you, for further proof.
See?!? Guns in the American release are pointed away from our hero(es)! Forgiving the fact that the movie is set in 1957, and rumor has it Indy and his sidekick have sneaked on to a top secret military base (Area 51 if the hardcore geeks are to be believed), having the guns in there was a little too much for us to swallow.
But yet, there is a film in theaters right now called Step Up 2 The Streets, where every ad, poster and trailer shows the same teenage girl in a skintight shirt dancing rather suggestively in the pouring rain. No word on whether the MPAA made them airbrush out what usually appears when a woman wears a skintight shirt in the rain, or if the filmmakers foresaw a problem and made the actress use a couple pieces of gaffer tape to avoid the controversy of impending extruding nipples.
Not that I would have a problem with that sort of thing. I for one am glad they didn't pass such notes when Kirsten Dunst was in that rainy alleyway in the trailer for the first Spider-man. Now, if I can just get Ms. Dunst to un-block my number.
My point is, it's one thing to call for sensitivity. If Janet Jackson's nipple means I have to listen to Tom Petty at the Super Bowl, so be it. It's something altogether different to insult our intelligence by unreasonable censorship. Having four guns drawn on Harrison Ford isn't gonna make someone go out and buy a fucking gun, nor is it gonna make the kids think trespassing on government installations seems like a cool idea.
Likewise, while it's commendable to talk to your kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and have them understand that to the point that they avoid using them, you might want to mention that having their friends take turns nearly strangling them to death is not a logical alternative. If they fail to grasp that obvious concept, like most addicts, maybe it's best to let them hit rock bottom before they realize how stupid they're being.
However, with this disturbing trend, we mustn't forget that this may add a little chlorine to the gene pool. Just sayin'!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, perhaps one of the most divisive holidays on the calendar. From what I've seen over the years, people tend to respond to Valentine's Day with one of the four following emotions:
1) Excitement. These are the people who are really in love. For these people, it's a day full of flowers, candy, baby-talk and an almost full guarantee of red lace being almost immediately removed for a night of hot monkey jungle lovin'.
2) Dread. These people spend the day in fear that either their gifts and gestures will be judged poorly or rejected outright. I've been in this boat many times before by virtue of the not-that-sentimental girlfriends or crushes-that-were-just-that almost every year in the past.
3) Bitterness. I seem to be running into a lot of these people this year. 2008 has definitely been a year of change for many people in my life, and that has mostly fallen under the category of break-ups. These are also the people who are more excited about President's Day because at least then they'll be able to get a new mattress fairly cheap.
4) Confusion. Technically, this is a subcategory of dread. These kind of people are either at the larvae stage of a relationship, where they don't know if Valentine's is supposed to be an obligation... Or, they're just not sure if their established relationship is at a happy enough stage to warrant anything. At this point, it's too early or too late.
Personally, I kinda fall under Category 4. There's a girl I've been psuedo-dating, we know we like each other a lot, but we're both still trying to figure out where each other fits in to what we've each planned for our respective immediate futures. Those that know me know that, historically speaking, complicated and confusing seems to be my modus operandi on a basic level.
At least this time, we're communicating on the situation instead of bullshitting ourselves into thinking that every thing is going great until we ultimately realize it isn't. We have our ground rules, we have our eggshells, we each have walls that will have to come down... But thankfully, we're being honest about it, and most importantly, taking it slow.
I know I'll probably catch holy hell for posting this on my blog, but other than bitching about work, this is the only thing really going on in my life right now. I don't really write on this blog to satisfy all of my readers. This is, after all, journaling therapy for me, and if I don't get it out there, it'll rattle around in my head like a pinball until I go absolutely insane.
Personality of Cult has officially arrived! We even made it onto the marquee!
Six months ago, this was an idea in my head, and this week, it became a reality. The past week has been nothing short of complete terror gradually fading away to wonderful elation.
Wednesday night, when we were collecting the final pieces, I was on pins and needles. As each piece came in, I was blown away by what the artists have created. They really embraced this concept and knocked it out of the park. By the end of the night, we only had a couple of works left to be delivered in the morning before we started hanging.
My buddy Scott came up a day early to help out. I haven't seen him in person in a couple years, and it was like old times. With this art show causing so much stress over the past couple weeks, it was necessary for me to have the stabilizing element of my oldest and best friend at my side. We grabbed a late dinner and watched Cinematic Titanic, a much needed good laugh, before going to sleep.
Thursday morning, we got to the Circle bright and early for the live segment on NewsChannel 8's morning show. The segments went extremely well, even though watching it later, I realized just how many nervous ticks I have. I need to work on the whole nervously scratching my forehead thing before my next poker game.
We did two short segments in about an hour, and shortly after the first one was over, a guy showed up at the Circle wanting to talk with us about his idea for a motorcycle rally and was picking our brains on how to get it started. I gave the guy as much advice as I could about people he could talk to. He stuck around for a while, and was there for the opening show...really taking advantage of the free food.
We left for a bit to pick up our friend Corey and his (the final) piece for the show. We grabbed some burgers and finished up the hanging of the show. Later in the afternoon, we had to take care of the last three things before we were ready to open the show:
1) Music. We were borrowing Mary's iPod for the show, and the problems we had with the music was copying over the music I bought on iTunes. Mary's only stipulation with the iPod was that we must NOT register the iPod on whatever computer we used. So, all that purchased music needed to be burned to CD, taken to another computer, ripped to MP3s and copied over the old fashioned way.
2) Title Cards. We stopped by my office to use the laser printer and dry mounted them to some thicker paper.
3) Food. I had ordered three huge party trays on Tuesday and picked them up Thursday afternoon. I decided against getting a fruit ray and do it myself, saving a few bucks in the process.
We were done around six, ready for the crowd.
People started pouring in. I was nervous as hell. We had not done any mailing for the opeing, instead relying on word of mouth and Myspace. We had nearly 150 people over the course of the night, everyone having an absolute blast. Around eight, I addressed the audience. I introduced myself, and asked that at the count of three everyone SMILE!
For three hours, I was meeting and greeting. I celebrated with the artists, met many new ones who are dying to be in the next one. Channel 6 came by to film the art and the crowd. And, I did all of this without a single drop of alcohol.
We were a bonafide hit! People loved the art, loved the concept, and we are now clear to proceed with Personality of Cult 2: Electric Boogaloo. Plus, the response may just help us land some sponsorship.
When we stopped by my place for a moment earlier in the day, Corey noticed my novelty clapboard, and suggested we mark it up for the show. It wound up being my favorite souvenir from that evening. At the end of the night, I addressed the crowd one more time, holding up the clapboard, "Ladies and gentlemen! Personality of Cult: Exhibit One is a wrap! Cut, print, check the gate!"
