Fritschie: Comedian

Tonight, I made good on my resolution to do something incredibly scary. In fact, it scared the living shit out of me until the moment I stepped up and did it. Now, I can say that I have done stand-up comedy.

For the past few weeks, I've been taking part in my friend Corey's stand-up workshop. Mostly, I've been observing the process of writing, performing, polishing and performing it better. I've been writing my material, practicing in the car, getting notes from the folks in workshop, and getting everything committed to memory.

Tonight, I put my name on the list. There were three people with reserved slots on open mic night, and all those who were left drew numbers for the remaining four slots (#4-#7). Given the number of comics drawing numbers, I thought my chances for a reprieve were pretty good.

I got slot number #5. Time to cowboy up, Fritschie!

I went outside and chain smoked until the show began. I tried my damnedest to recalll what I used to do in high school drama to ease my nerves and overcome stage fright. Nothing was coming to mind. I went over my act in my head and made sure I had it all down pat.

The first two comedians got up and did a great job. They got the crowd fired up. My nerves were settling quite a bit. Then the third comic got up and...Dear God, he was awful. The silence from the audience actually seemed like negative noise, in that it absorbed any and all sound in the room. It was death. I thanked my lucky stars that I didn't have to immediately follow that guy, but I needed a miracle to get the crowd back to laugh mode.

The emcee pulled it off, and the next comic brought everyone back in our favor. I stood by the stage waiting for my time, and my knees started to shake uncontrollably. When my name was called, I took one step on the stage, and all my nervous energy shifted into the sarcastic vibe I needed for the act.

I joked about growing up in Arkansas with pseudo-hippie parents, smoking pot, having the flu and Nyquil, and it went amazingly well. Practicing these bits, I had it all down to a trim four minutes, but in delivering it on stage, I got it all in at 3:45. I kinda choked on my closer, but overall, I did great...enough to want to do it again and again.

Now, I'm making the point to write one joke per day and try to polish them up into future bits. This is gonna get interesting.

Busy busy busy

16 days since my last post..a new record. I've been kinda swamped. Here are the highlights:

- I've joined a stand-up workshop, and my debut as a comedian should be coming up in the next couple weeks. I'm just taking my time right now, getting a feel for writing the material, and practicing like mad so that my first set will go a smoothly as possible. More on this as it develops.

- Work is ramping up for the busy season, and all of the usual clients are starting to get anxious. Fortunately, I have a new assistant, and a new company policy that dictates that whomever wrote up the order is to be the main contact with the client. So, that buys me some time to get some work done.

- One last round of publicity for the art show. We sold a second piece, and we're planning a silent auction for the last full night of the show. How's this for perfect: That night is not only midnight movie night with Wild At Heart, but earlier in the evening, they'll be showing the new George Romero zombie flick Diary of the Dead. The auction begins at 9:00 and bids will be accepted until just before midnight. I'll be going in to OklaTravelNet for another segment on the show and to plug the auction. I'm hoping to have this go out with a bang.

- I helped out at Arnie's Bar for St. Patrick's Day. It was a two-night event; Saturday and Monday. Saturday, I worked the front door until we reached capacity, at which point I was stationed at the back door making sure not to let anyone in until someone else exited. Monday, I was at the main gate outside keeping people from leaving with alcohol. It was an exhausting experience, and I had to be a real asshole to a lot of people, but I was commended for being more diplomatic than most people would have been in my position.

Monday night was particular fun just seeing how many phrases I could come up with in lieu of no alcohol beyond this point. The ones I was particularly proud of were "Kill it or spill it!", "Down it or dump it!", "Chug it or chuck it!" and "Toss it back or toss it out!"

- Tonight, I'm still undecided on going to Arnie's. I've been out every night for the past week, and the sleep debt is building up interest. I may go down for a short while, but if i do, I gotta stay home tomorrow night and get some sleep.

In the meantime, Lost is on in five, four, three, two, one...

Bad grades all around

I tend to grade the people I deal with on a daily basis. I base my grade on their ability to carry themselves through their daily lives, and their ability to make reasonable, intelligent and logical choices. There are bonus points for inspiring others to better themselves, as well as demerits for being a dumbass or an asshole. The Dalai Lama ranks in the high 90's, while Bill O'Reilly barely even registers.

Sure, this kinda paints a portrait of me as an elitist snob, but please keep in mind that I grade myself somewhere around 70%.

My point in telling you this (and by you I mean the 18 people a day that actually read my little diatribes), is that it's just a flimsy pretext to convey to you the kind of people I have had to deal with for the past few days; the average grade seems to be around 20%. Of course, I could just say that people are fucking stupid, but I've never been a traveler of the path of least resistance.

Yesterday, I had to deal with a man who, to put it lightly, couldn't find his own ass with a map, both hands and a sherpa. The man has been to our office five times, and has had to call for directions every time. Incidentally, the man is a minister. Not to say that all men of the cloth are this absent-minded, but it made me laugh to think that while it is commendable to give one's life to the Lord, I don't think basic memory skills were part of the contract.

Anyway, the guy nitpicked his most recent job to death. No detail was insignificant, something always had to be wrong, and it was his duty to find it. We went over everything with this guy, from paper stock, to ink colors, to fonts...everything. We proofed it on the computer monitor, black and white prints, color prints, email... making dozens of little tweaks along the way... on a business card. We finally got the layout approved, we got the cards printed, he signed for them, paid his bill and left.

Yesterday, he called back wanting to print them again, with more changes, and he wanted them done for free. They just weren't what he had in mind, and apparently, it was my fault. Nevertheless, he's gonna keep and use the old cards. This is equivalent to going to Wal-Mart, buying a full cart load of things you know you don't want, and instead of returning the items or not paying for them in the first place, you just leave the items at home and kick the greeter in the nuts. GRADE: 15%

There was another job that was proofed at least a dozen times, by six different people, over the course of two months, and the mistakes weren't noticed until it was printed and handed out to at least 200 people. Each person who looked at this thing had control over their own segment of brochure, and each person is an intelligent person I've worked with before, but no one looked at any other part. So, details got overlooked. Gee, I want to be on a committee someday, just so I can be forgiven of the responsibility of reading every thing that gets put in front of me. GRADE: (Individuals on average) 80%, (as a committee) 10%

Today at lunch, I hit the drive-thru at Braums for a bacon cheeseburger combo. The fries were still frozen in the center and a crucial part of the burger was missing... namely the burger patty. I'm glad I got impatient and decided to try and eat on the way back to the office. That way, I just had to backtrack about a block to return the iced potatoes and the worst BLT on the planet. The trainee who made the food just giggled. GRADE: 12%

On the way back home tonight, a man made a right turn at a busy intersection... from the left turn lane... on a red light... and had the nerve to be pissed at the person that hit him. GRADE: 2%

Playing online poker tonight, I wasn't paying attention to what buttons I was pressing, and went all in with an 8 high. I got beat by a pair of twos. GRADE: 1% if I was using a pay-to-play site, but thankfully I wasn't.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow, the grades will be higher.