The letter I SOOOO want to send to the fraudulent debt collectors that keep bugging the crap out of me.

In dealing with the fake debt collectors earlier today, I became obsessed with wanting to expose these people for the frauds they are. To that end, I'm gonna let them make their phone calls for a little while longer, having a little fun with the poor schmucks they have manning the phones for them. When that gets boring, I'll file a cease and desist letter and wait for them to try and call me again so I can sue their asses.

So, tonight I started a draft of that letter, but found I had too much frustration to craft a proper, diplomatic letter to these jackasses. So, I wrote up a fully sarcastic version of the letter just to get it out of my system. The language is a hard R, so anyone under the age of 17, PLEASE don't read past this point.

For the rest of you, enjoy:



Dear festering boils on the ass of society,

Pursuant to my rights under federal debt collection laws, I am requesting that you cease and desist communication with me, as well as my family and friends, in relation to this and all other alleged debts you claim I owe. In particular, the debt of over $7,000 (American) on the 2000 Saturn SL2 that had been labeled as repossessed in October of 2002 by GMAC.

On numerous occasions (at least 9 times between March 14 and April 17, 2009), I have been contacted by your company in an attempt to collect on this debt. The first time, I gotta admit, you kinda had me fooled. The way your Representative Attempting Monetary Return On Debt (hereafter referred to as RAMROD) tried to scare me with the threat of being taken to court and possibly have my wages garnished. Quite the little sphincter pucker I had that afternoon. However, there were some clues that your company was completely full of shit, such as:

A. Verification that I was the Daniel Fritschie you were looking for, even though a simple Google search would prove that I was the one of only two Daniel Fritschie's in the world today. And, seeing as the left wing for the Minnesota Wild NHL hockey team doesn't live in Oklahoma, and even his name is spelled slightly different, it's a pretty safe bet.

B. A lame attempt to verify my Social Security number. After an awkward silence by me, RAMROD switched gears and decided to verify my date of birth instead.

C. RAMROD talked a good game about being able to have my wages garnished, yet gave no indication that your company even knows who I work for.

D. I was repeated informed by RAMROD that the conversation was being recorded and that any information obtained from the recording would be used as evidence against me in court. There's not a judge in this country that would allow a deposition of a defendant over the phone without legal counsel. Wish for me to cite my source on that? Well, I first learned it from an episode of L.A. Law in 1986. And again, a simple Google search confirmed this statement.

The second time I spoke to an actual RAMROD of your company (not the automated computer voices that start the calls), we spoke for a couple minutes, as a follow-up from the first call. I had mentioned that I had consulted an attorney, and I was asked to be put on hold. Three bars into "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)", I was hung up on.

Six of the other instances that your company has called me has either gone straight to my voicemail, or RAMROD hangs up on me almost immediately. One of which was last night, which prompted me to call your company after hours and leave a voicemail message requesting that my number be removed from your calling lists. I say lists, because each time your company calls me, its from a different number, from one of two distinct area codes, making the process of blocking your number too unnerving to indulge in.

During the course of the message, I may have mentioned that I now know that your entire operation is a scam. If this touched a nerve in your organization, I'm truly sorry (that I didn't accentuate that statement by saying "fucking scam"). Because this morning, I got a call back from another of your RAMRODs in response to the voicemail message I had left, wherein he went through basically the same speech I was given the first time you had called. Only this time, I pointed out the aforementioned flaws in your, as I now know, pre-written script that every one of your RAMRODs must be able to master or else they are fired, and I'm guessing they go right back to the streets to pull tricks for meth money.

However, I was not able to finish my statements to your RAMROD before he told me I was being rude and hung up on me. I was wanting to announce that I was willing to write a check for the full amount of the debt right here and now, providing you could supply me with the following:

1. A signed, witnessed and notarized letter from GMAC that this money will go to paying off this supposed debt, even though it has completely left my credit report altogether. How do I know this, because how else would I have qualified for a new car loan last fall?

2. A copy of the complete court transcript of one (1) lawsuit that your company has filed, won and managed to garnish the wages of the defendant, as well as proof that the recorded telephone conversations were admitted into evidence.

3. Written or verbal confirmation that you know my Social Security number AND middle name. You know, standard legal bullshit.

4. I would like my Saturn SL2 back. The whole reason I got into this mess was because I exercised the option to turn the car in and avoid the balloon payment, and GMAC lost the damned paperwork. This is why the debt went unpaid in the first place, and I'm telling you the same thing I told GMAC before they gave up trying to collect the debt from me: I'm not paying for a car I'm not driving.

However, seeing as the statute of limitations on that debt for the State of Oklahoma where I reside, as well as the State of Arkansas where the initial contract on that car was signed is five (5) years, and that expired in October, 2007, my offer to pay the money is pretty much moot, as is your claim to the debt. Ooooh... Sick burn!

So, please stop calling me, quit sending me bills in the mail, forget you even fucking know my name, because you have absolutely no legal leg to stand on. Besides, even if you did, you would have served me with papers instead of calling me on my cell like a little bitch.

You are hereby notified that if you do not comply with this request, I will immediately file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission and the Oklahoma Attorney General’s office. Civil and criminal claims will be pursued. Also, I now know where your offices are, as well as how to make a molotov cocktail. Surprisingly enough, I managed to find out both of those bits of information with the same Google search. You guys should really try that out. Fucking amazing!

In closing, may your spirits burn for eternity in the fiery sub-basement of the lower structure of whatever Hell considers to be it's own Hell. May the teeth of a thousand beasts repeatedly puncture the tenderest flesh of your bodies while everyone laughs at your genitals. Fuck you!

Sincerely,
Daniel J. Fritschie

P.S. ...And the horse you rode in on.