Angels and Demons

To quote Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000, "I want to hurt this movie, but I don't think I can hurt it the same way it hurt me."

I've had a pretty good run at the movies the past few years. Of all the movies I paid to see since I moved back to Tulsa, the worst of them ranked as still pretty good. I attribute most of this to being very selective about what I throw my money at, and quite a few times it's been luck of the draw. Well, my lucky streak has ended with Angels and Demons.

I completely avoided anything having to do with the Da Vinci Code. Never read the book, nor the graphic novel, nor did I see the movie. Which was uncharacteristic of me because usually I enjoy anything that pisses off religious people. So, why did I go see Angels and Demons? Because a friend asked me to tag along, and I haven't seen a new movie in over a month. So, I took a chance, and now I'd like to respond.

First of all... Dan Brown, go fuck yourself. I've had conversations with homeless conspiracy theorists that had more credibility than your story arcs. I've fallen asleep with the TV tuned to the A&E and gotten a better grasp of history than you have. And the thought that so many people actually bought in to your bullshit, and that the Catholic Church considered you some sort of a threat, just makes me wanna French kiss the barrel of a sawed off shotgun and welcome the sweet release of death. You are to legitimate storytelling what Girls Gone Wild is to lesbianism; a cheap, flashy, completely non-realistic representation that leaves people too ashamed to demand their money back.

Second... Ron Howard, Tom Hanks, you're better than this. I can't blame you both for wanting a safe paycheck, but come on. This material is suitable only for people who found the mind games in the Saw movies a little too obtuse. It makes the Hardy Boys look like Hitchcock. I know Mr. Brown has a new book in this series coming out soon, but please, for the love of all things good and decent in this world, don't... Just don't.

I do, however, need to give the film credit for one thing: I didn't immediately figure out who the bad guy was. But, the moment all characters were established, I knew that if any of them were the bad guy, I figured out exactly how they would do it. It's like going to a restaurant knowing full well where they would spit in your food, and then, eating around it.

And I'm usually not one of those snooty nit-pickers that get all up in arms about little details in a film. I have a friend that hated Titanic because the Picasso and Monet paintings that went down with the ship were ones that still exist today, and that's what ruined the film for him. I'm not that kind of guy. I'll forgive the occasional flawed detail if the rest of the movie entertains me, but from the initial claim that there were a billion Catholics in the world, to Galileo's use of English in his clues, to the climactic assertion that cold temperatures had weakened the life of the doomsday device's batteries, this was the first movie that made me want to shout "BULLSHIT!" at the screen.

I wanted to give this movie a chance, but halfway through, I felt like sneaking in to see Transformers, just for the fact that those filmmakers knew their movie was brainless. Angels and Demons tried to pass itself off as intellectual, but in the same way someone actually slips their word-a-day calendar entries into daily conversation. It feels forced and only makes people like me want to laugh at their efforts.

To me, even the worst movies I sat through have had some redeeming quality that made the ticket price somewhat worth it. When I saw The Talented Mr. Ripley, I was able to ignore the insipid plot and dialogue and focus on the beautiful scenery. And even though Angels and Demons took place in Rome and the Vatican, it had all of the charm of a tour of Italy with a tour guide hopped up on Mescaline.

In summary, avoid this movie with every fiber of your being. Laugh derisively at anyone you see purchasing the DVD when it comes out. If a friend so much as mentions adding this to their Netflix queue, well, go ahead and let them watch it. Think of it as letting them date someone you don't approve of. Pointing out their bad judgment would only damage the friendship, and believe me, they'll need a shoulder to cry on when they realize they've made a horrible mistake.