Jan 18, 2009

Aftermath from a good night.

There's a post-script to my last post, but first, a pre-script:

A couple months ago, a mixed martial arts/extreme fighting studio moved in next door to the comedy club. More importantly, they moved in to the space that shares a wall with the comedy club's showroom. Even more importantly, there is practically no soundproofing in that wall.

Now, on with the story:

After my set, I was watching the rest of the show. During my friend's set, someone next door started using the speed bag next door. And it was pretty frickin' annoying. So, in the same fashion as shushing a loud talker in a movie theater, I went next door with the intent to politely ask them to keep it down.

The conversation went like this...

ME: Excuse me, is someone in the back using a speed bag or a punching bag in the back?

THEM: Probably, why?

ME: Well, they're in the middle of a show next door and the noise is kinda disrupting the show.

THEM: (in a huff) Let me tell you something, we have to listen to your noise every night, and you don't-

And that's when I walked out. I didn't go over there to get yelled it, nor am I the kind of guy wanting to walk into a martial arts studio to pick a fight.

Notice I said "They're in the middle of a show..." and not we. I was not presenting myself as a representative of the club's management. I went over there as an annoyed member of the audience, and I kept it perfectly diplomatic, kept a civil tone and never lost my cool.

Anyway, the noise stopped. Not because I spoke up, but because they heard my friend make a comment on it from the stage about being heckled by a wall. The acting manager of the club had a word with me after I got back from next door, asking me to let them handle that stuff from now on. Which I got, but I figured they might respond better from hearing from a member of the audience rather than people they've been butting heads with since they moved in.

So, lesson learned, or so I thought.

By Saturday, I had heard through the grapevine that the comedy club owner had found out about what I did. Panic set in. How pissed was she about this? What was gonna happen to me? For the next four days, I calculated possible scenarios. No matter what, I figured I kissed my chances of ever emceeing at the club goodbye. Would I be temporarily barred from performing? Would I be permanently banned from performing or from the club altogether? I had no way of getting in touch with the owner, thus I had no way of knowing what my fate would be.

Finally, Wednesday night came, and I was still anxious about my fate. First good sign was I got let in the door. Second good sign, I found out that what I did was just one of many things that went wrong on the one night they owner was out of town. By comparison, my indiscretion was small potatoes. The owner had a talk with me, and things were OK, provided that I never do anything like it again. Again, lesson learned.

But I found out that who the owner heard from about me: the people next door. So, obviously the data was skewed in my favor from the start. But after talking to the club owner, I had a better understanding about the tensions between the comedy club and the extreme fighting dojo next door. I mean, after all, we're all training for the same purpose: to entertain people. We tell jokes, they beat each other into early onset Parkinson's Disease. Which seems oddly parallel, given some of the crowds I've performed for.

But it was the other things that went on that night that is bringing about some changes in conduct for open-mic-ers. We'll each have to sign a list of rules that, if broken, would carry consequences. Common sense stuff, mostly, but still... they wouldn't have to enact these rules if not for the people who didn't respect the rules, or the club itself for that matter.

Time for some professionalism, and now I'm on track.

Jan 8, 2009

A good night

Last night, I had a great night at the comedy club. It could've gone downhill very easily, but my stuff killed.

I drew the fifth spot out of seven for open mic night. I drew up my set list. I was gonna try some new stuff: Revised versions of the Chinese food and Hitler jokes that I posted on New Joke Different Day, a new bit about this poor kid from New Jersey that I read about whose name happens to be Adolf Hitler Campbell, and finished it all up with my "To Catch a Predator" bit... Always a good closer.

But...

The guy that went up second, it was his first time. I felt a sense of dread as he did over a minute about Chinese food. I was about to re-do my set list before a friend told me I shouldn't. He said, "Do your joke. Fuck him. They should hear at least one funny Chinese food joke tonight." So, I felt better.

The woman who went up before me, went up and did five minutes about being the crazy cat lady. She went over by one minute, which happens from time to time, but when you get the 30 second warning light, it's a sign you should wrap things up. The flashing red "Get off the stage, now!" light, is NOT the time to say, "OK, one more before I get off." It's not any different if you're doing well and getting great laughs. "You get four minutes" means you get four fucking minutes, not five.

The fact that she did five minutes about her cat, and boring the audience in the process, made me feel better about doing my Chinese food joke, because it also involved the killing and cooking of cats. These two comics I speak of, while their material was hardly what you'd call-what's the word I'm looking for-GOOD, I owe them for a tremendous setup.

The Chinese food joke, one of my darkest, was a decent opener. The crowd could've easily turned on me, but i managed to pull it off in a manner that no one took it too seriously. It also helped that I acknowledged immediately afterward that it was a pretty sick joke. Then, I went into the Hitler joke, and I ad-libbed at the end of it, "What, did you think I was gonna get up here and do pro-Hitler material? I'm German, but I'm not that German!"

That segued perfectly into a new bit about this kid, and it was a good middle-of-the-set joke. If you read the article, you can tell that most of the material writes itself. I gotta get it on video, it's pretty good. I got the 30-second light, and the "To Catch A Predator" joke fit perfectly, as it usually takes 20-25 seconds. Perfectly timed, and I was proud of how it all came together.

I dig doing this stuff so much.

Jan 4, 2009

Do androids dream of fried chicken?



If you listen closely, when RoboCop picks up the fridge, I swear the music playing is the "western" theme from Back to the Future Part III... Which only makes this all the more insane.

Jan 3, 2009

New Blog

I started a new blog to collect the jokes I'll be writing each day: New Joke, Different Day. I'll still post these jokes on this blog, but only when I'm particularly proud of them.

Jan 2, 2009

A Joke a Day - Day 2

I have this one friend who, every time we'd eat Chinese food, would make the same tired joke about how you never see stray animals near the restaurant. Then he'd make meowing and barking sounds every time I'd take a bite. For years he would do this, until one day, when his mouth was full of Pad Thai, I said, "You know what else you don't see near Chinese restaurants? Missing child posters."

20 ways to organize your James Bond DVD Collection

  1. Alphabetical.
  2. Chronological.
  3. Domestic box office gross (with or without adjustment for inflation).
  4. Body count.
  5. Estimated dollar amount of property damage throughout each film.
  6. Order in which you first saw them.
  7. Alphabetical by director's first name.
  8. Cheesiness of villain's plan.
  9. Numerology value of Bond girls' names.
  10. Cost to license Bond's vehicle if he lived in New Mexico.
  11. Total number of scenes in which any character is saying something smug.
  12. Number of respectable films each Bond girl has made after appearing in a Bond film.
  13. Plausibility of Q's gadgets (either by today's standards or the time the film was made).
  14. Number of times the word "revenge" is uttered.
  15. Suckiness of theme song.
  16. Number of scenes in which you almost see a woman's nipple, divided by level of disappointment in the situation (graded on a scale from 1 to 10).
  17. Applicability of film's name as the title of a porno (start with Octopussy and work your way down the list).
  18. Order in which you can recite the titles without looking them up.
  19. Number of times you've noticed each film has played on late night cable since you bought the DVD.
  20. Random

Jan 1, 2009

A Joke a Day

Not necessarily a new year's resolution, but an experiment I wish to attempt, to see if I could do it. I'm gonna write one joke each day for a year. Now, I can't guarantee that they'll all be funny or even make sense, but at least I'm gonna try. If I miss a day on the blog, I'll post an extra one for each day I miss. And. Here. We... Go:

1/1/09 - I believe new year's resolutions to be a little too cliché. I suggest using a different holiday for yourself to make resolutions, that way no one will ever see it coming. I, for one, will be using Arbor Day, which is fitting because I really want to stop compulsively lighting forest fires.

Dec 28, 2008

Christmas 2008

Wednesday

Got off work at noon. Plenty of time to pack and straighten up the apartment before getting out of Dodge. Stopped by Mary's to drop off a key so they could feed Chuckles while I was away.

Went to my grandmother's house for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange. My uncle Daryl was absent, which kinda sucked because I had so many things to bug him about. The new car, the Obama sticker on the new car, the fact that I'm still smoking, etc. I was preparing myself for a verbal throwdown with him, but alas, no.

I had a great time with the extended family. My second cousin Zachary relied on me to remove his gifts from the packaging. On a side note, thank you so much, shoplifters, for making manufacturers revamp their packaging to the point that a remote control car can't be freed without a blowtorch.

After a few rounds of dominoes after presents, I continued the last leg of my journey to Little Rock and got to the folk's house around midnight.

Thursday

We got up- at the crack of 10:30, loaded up the car and headed to the step-grandparents' house for the second Christmas dinner of the season. It's been a while since I've gotten car-sick, and their steep-hillside house made the last leg of that trip all the more fun. Nice to get my bearings just to succumb to vertigo.

We had a big dinner that couldn't be beat, and went in to open presents. For some reason, my brother and his family brought my presents only to tell me that they couldn't be opened until Saturday. I at least got my Monty Python desk calendar open before being informed of this.

On the trip back, I had the foresight to take Dramamine before leaving, which assured the trip would last mere minutes for me because I passed out hard as soon as we got back to the Interstate.

Back at the folks' house, I continued my own yearly tradition of watching the least Christmas-y movie on Christmas night. Last year, it was O Brother, Where Art Thou?, this year, it was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Friday

Didn't do a damned thing. Just goofed around on the internet, watched DVDs and Hi-Def Cable.

Saturday

Stayed in my pajamas until the guests started to arrive. A quick shower and hung out with the family. We opened our presents, and the kids got quite a haul. I got some pretty awesome books, including the long-lusted-after I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski, a great book all about the Big Lebowski and it's cult following.

Dinner was great, and I filled myself stupid with one plate. In my own defense, I was snacking all day. And in lieu of antacid, I piled on some peach cobbler a la mode. Some much needed couch time soon followed.

My folks got me this wooden puzzle that frustrated the hell out of me. That is, until i had to look up the solution on the internet. the crudely drawn instructions sent me into a near murderous rage. I got it solved eventually, but got frustrated yet again trying to get the puzzle back into it's original state. Screw you, puzzle man.

Stayed up until about midnight playing online poker. Slept like a baby.

Sunday

Hung out with the family, and basked in their company until about 2:00, when I got back on the road. Should've timed it better, because the sun was in my eyes the whole way back. In retrospect, I should've moved East instead of West.

Got home and Chuckles the cat was nowhere to be found, until I noticed the hall closet door was ajar. Chuck came out and I pet him for about a half hour straight. I missed the little guy.

Dec 23, 2008

9 Ways to make the holidays a little more fun.

1. In lieu of wrapped presents, just write everyone checks for random amounts. $12.63, $41.08, $3.79. Be sure to tell them, "Don't spend it all in one place."

2. Just before dinner, swap out the cooked turkey with a raw one that's been carefully spray painted with light brown paint to give the illusion that it is thoroughly cooked. Store the real turkey under the bed in the spare bedroom. Let everyone ponder what the hell happened for as long as possible. My personal best is three hours, twelve minutes.

3. For out-of-town friends and relatives, buy them gift cards from businesses that are not in their immediate area. I recommend EuroDisney.

4. After your presents are wrapped, coat them with about five to eight layers of high gloss polyurethane. If they want that bread machine, they'll have to work for it.

5. Before everyone else wakes up on Christmas morning, stuff all of the kid's presents into the chimney. If there's something that won't fit, take it apart and shove the pieces in haphazardly. Leave a note attached to the top gift: "Overpopulation. Tight schedule. Here ya' go, kids. Love, Santa."

6. Call everyone by their middle names. If they complain, don't be afraid to resort to shouting.

7. Cover your doorbell with pine tar, so everyone that rings it will get their finger stuck. Next year, cover the front door knocker as well. Year after that, the whole door. Year four: the front steps.

8. Spike the egg nog with No-Doz.

9. Stock up on greeting cards for other occasions and amend the messages with "Merry Christmas." The further removed from Christmas, the better. My favorites are "You're turning 40, Merry Christmas.", "Happy Arbor Day, Merry Christmas.", and "Sorry for your loss, Merry Christmas."

Dec 13, 2008

A Frustrated Graphic Designer's Non-Illustrated Guide to Graphic Design, Part I: Stationery Design.

Having been a graphic designer for the past 13 years or so (11, if you count since graduating college), there are certain types of projects that I've found can be either a walk in the park or a frustrating mess. So, I thought I'd give everyone some insight on my thought processes on some of my biggest pet peeves in my work. And, I'm gonna do this using only my words.

Today's subject: Stationery design.

Stationery is important to every business. It is what encapsulates their identity, their message and their attitude. However, designing this stuff can be a frustrating mess. Clients can be way too picky sometimes. They focus on all the wrong details, and they have a tendency to go overboard on certain things. About the best you can do is explain to them in the kindest terms possible why this stuff won't work and hope for the best. But, here's my best advice for handling a picky client: Always show them at least three ideas...

  1. Their idea. Listen to every little detail they say they want in their look and follow their instructions to the letter. Present their idea to them as exact to their specifications as possible, if anything to show them how much it doesn't work.
  2. Their idea, reloaded. Use their instructions as a jumping off point and tweak things in a manner that will make it work as a functional piece. Take their turd of an idea and polish it up to a high gloss shine.
  3. Go your own way. Take whatever specifications they have that's non-negotiable (i.e established logo design, ink colors, etc.) and start from scratch. Make the design fresh and new and most of all functional. You may come out with several cool ideas so present the best of the best of your ideas without sending the client into sensory overload.

Now, if your client doesn't have any artwork that's set in stone, like a logo or ink colors, you have a little more freedom to tweak their way of thinking. In this instance you have an even grater opportunity to really wow them. But when it comes to the layout of the stationery, keep the following in mind.

BUSINESS CARDS

Business cards should be the first thing designed. The graphics of everything else should follow what is established on the business cards. Here are my guidelines for proper layout of business cards (exceptions may apply, check with your client for more information):

  1. Standard sizes are there for a reason. 3 1/2" X 2" is a good size to fit every bit of necessary information. Besides, most business card holders, Rolodexes and wallet card slots are already set up for this format. There's nothing wrong with making a card that's a 2" square, or 3 1/2" wide and shorter than 2", because they'll still fit in those holders. Going beyond the standard dimensions will generally frustrate someone you hand them out to because they can't store it with the others very easily, and you run the risk of the card falling out of their business card files and being lost forever.
  2. Likewise, avoid fold-over cards. They may look cool, but any fold just doubles the thickness of the card and the client is hold fewer cards to hand out to their clients.
  3. Keep the information to a bare minimum. Business cards shouldn't do the sales pitch for them. Basic contact information, logo and business tag line should be sufficient.
  4. Leave plenty of room for all information. I recommend using a horizontal format rather than a vertical. Don't get your text so big that it can't handle a longer name, title, email address, etc. The card layout should be able to work for John Smith, CEO as well as Caroline Henderson-Longasshyphenatedname, Assistant to the Regional Vice President of Internet Sales - Northeast Division.
  5. Try to keep it all on one side of the card. Not only will your printing costs be cut in half, leaving the back of the card blank will give them room to write down any additional information they'll need to give to a specific person, like an alternate number, personal email, hotel room number, etc.
  6. Have a margin of at least 3/16". No important information should go beyond 3/16" from the edge of the card because when these cards get cut from the press sheet, the slightest error in cutting would make the whole design look lopsided.
  7. Avoid large areas of solid color. A flood of one color may look kinda cool, but when you have large areas of color, the ink has a tendency to offset and scuff. This is particularly true of blue or red Pantone colors, which are notorious for never fully drying.
  8. Try to avoid using foil stamping, die cutting or emboss/debossing. Foil stamping can flake, Die cutting can rip and embossing can flatten in a person's wallet, business card case, etc.

LETTERHEADS

Letterheads should follow the same graphic styles you set up for the business cards. Use the same logos, font styles and type formatting, but remember these things:

  1. Do not design or proof a letterhead design without a sample business letter in the layout. There's no point in presenting a letterhead design to a client without showing them how they'd have to reformat their style sheets in Microsoft Word to get the information to fit.
  2. Avoid having a ghost screen in the background. No matter how light the tint in the background, 99% of laser printer toners won't stick to where printing ink has been laid down. Plus, copying and faxing with a ghost screen can prove problematic.
  3. Avoid die cuts, foil stamping, thermography, and emboss/debossing. Die cuts and emboss/debossing increase the risk of jamming the client's printer. Foil stamping can flake off when coming into contact with the heat of a laserjet office printer and gunk up the rollers. Thermography, a process in which clear plastic powder is applied to the printing ink while it's still wet, then run through an oven to melt and combine creating a raised surface to the letters, can also melt again, smear and gunk up laserjet office printers as well.
  4. Avoid having graphics bleed off the edge of the sheet. This usually causes the letterhead to be printed on oversized sheets and can be more costly to print. If you must, leave one edge of the artwork without any bleeds, and at least a 1/4" of blank space for the printer to grip from in the printing process.

ENVELOPES

Once you've got the business card and letterhead designed, the envelopes should take no longer than ten minutes to lay out.

  1. No envelope should be too intricate in it's design because nine times out of ten it'll be ripped open, it's contents removed and the envelope thrown away. The rest of the time, the envelope will be thrown away without being opened, particularly if it contains a bill or invoice.
  2. It's always best to go to the main post office branch in your city and ask for a copy of the postal standards guidebook. They update it every year, so stay frosty. It also helps to establish a friendship with the local postal regulations officer. That way, you can email them a PDF of your artwork and they'll tell you if it passes regulations.
OFFICE FORMS

Miscellaneous office forms should only be designed after the letterhead, business cards and envelopes have been approved by the client. Simply use the same logos, type styles, and themes set up in everything else, and create the office forms to match, while at the same time, leave the backgrounds free of ghost screens to allow for clean faxing and copying.

PAPER STOCK

The choice of paper should be appropriate to the type of business you're designing for. Ideally, stationery should always be on an uncoated stock, and the finish (linen vs. smooth vs. textured) should be left up to the client's preference. My only advise in choosing the paper is not go for anything that's brand spanking new from the paper mills. Go with a paper stock that's been around for a while and is popular enough that the paper company still makes it. There's not much worse than printing one run of a client's stationery on this cool new paper, only to have that stock discontinued three months later.

As for the weight of the paper, they should all be the same finish, with the business cards on cover weight and everything else on text weight. Also, be careful to choose a paper stock that has ready-made envelopes. It's rare, but it's happened to me before, and the cost of the envelopes skyrocketed because the stock the client loved and would not deviate from had to be custom-made.

GRAPHICS STANDARDS

Once everything has been approved by the client, it's always best to review the layouts and create a set of rules for future reference by you and for the client. That way, all future print jobs will remain consistent. If one of the client's employees tries to get his business cards set up in a different style and you do NOT have graphics standards in place, then there's nothing stopping other employees from trying to get their own layouts and God help you if the business really takes off. For example, I have one client whose business has over ten different formats of business cards, all because we never agreed on a standard layout.


Join me next time, when I'll be discussing Bridal Announcements: The Tenth Level of Graphic Design Hell.