Sneak Peek at Personality of Cult: Episode Deux

Personality of Cult: Episode Deux is not opening until January 30, but I thought I'd give a sneak peek of one of our pieces.

The participating artists will be presenting 5" X 5" works based on their favorite (or not so favorite, in this particular case) characters from the Star Wars films. So, I present to you, one of my pieces, Gungun for Sushi.

Doctor, Doctor, give me the news...

Today, I went in for my first ever physical exam. At 32, yeah, it's been overdue for a while.

the first third of the exam allowed for me to keep my clothes on, for which I was thankful because the air was on in that room and it was frickin' cold in there. My blood pressure was a little high, temperature was a little low (no doubt the room's fault), and all air passageways were clear.

Then, they asked me to strip and put on the little gown. I asked that they kill the cold air pumping into the room. Eventually, it was shut off, but for about ten minutes I waited with no area in the exam room not being in the path of one vent or another, with me in a gown that was not only open in the back, but also made of breathable cotton. That, and my affinity for loose boxer shorts made the shrinkage factor at least a seven (out of ten).

My doctor, in a strange attempt to multi-task, chose to ask me most of the general habits questions in the middle of the more intimate exams. I'm sure it was a distraction technique, but I've never been asked if I wear my seat belt regularly by anyone who's got my balls in their hand.

They drew some blood for cholesterol and diabetes tests (among others), which was a great set of results to sweat out over Thanksgiving. Not for nothing, but if there's one thing I love as much as my family, it's their liberal use of heavy cream and real butter during holiday meals. Not that it's just the holidays that I eat like that. Let's face it, when they tapped my vein, pure hollandaise sauce should've come out.

The last part was the urine sample, and I was free to go home. So, a quick lunch, some clutching a teddy bear and crying over the bad touches, and I was back to the office for a half-day of work.

I did have to fess up to a relapse on smoking, so the doctor gave me a prescription for Chantix, the new miracle cure for smoking. I still need to do some checking to see if my insurance will cover it, but I found another thing to look out for: side effects. Nausea, constipation, gas, vomiting (if all four hit at the same time, that'd be an odd sensation, almost worthy of an exorcism) Insomnia (already suffer from that), strange or unusual dreams (ditto), suicidal thoughts, taste changes, night terrors, etc. Gee, sign me up!

But if the insurance will cover it, I'll give it a whirl. Who knows, it could give me tons of new material. Or, I'd become a suicidal, sleep deprived, gastronomical freak show with a new personality. Fingers crossed.

Tokyo Gore Police

Last night was Tokyo Gore Police at the Circle Cinema Midnight Movie. This is a film I had seen once before, when I viewed the screener disk in preparations for designing the poster for the show.

TGP is one of a bizarre genre of slasher film, being the Japanese slasher film. This kind of film operates on the following conceits:

1. The body of every slashing victim must contain at least 200 gallons of blood, and possess the same high blood pressure as the offspring of a meth-addicted hummingbird and a fire hydrant.
2. The editors of these films not only have chronic A.D.D., but are also impervious to epileptic seizures.
3. Logic, Schmogic.
4. Plot, Schmlot.

I'm such a noob with these films. In fact, I still feel this kind of movie is part of a really fucked up collective effort on the part of the Japanese people to get back at us on a psychological level for Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They may not have ever possessed the firepower to retaliate directly, so they're exporting their popular culture in a way that will scare us into never attacking them again.

In TGP, the story goes like this: In a not-too-distant future/alternate-timeline present day, the Tokyo police has been privatized, but the only type of crime being committed are hyper-frenetic attacks by beings know as "engineers", who can quickly regenerate any severed body parts, only the new parts somehow incorporate the weapons they were using. To put it another way, in the first scene, an engineer who was attacking the police with a chainsaw soon found his arm detached, and it grew back with it's own built-in chainsaw.

Expand and repeat that mental image to about two hours, and I give you Tokyo Gore Police. But wait, there's more! Also contained in this film are: The absolute worst-case punishment scenario for copping a feel on the subway, the worst blowjob ever shown on film, advertisements for products catering to self-mutilation, and (please try to wrap your head around this concept) a gun that shoots fists.

And it's all funny as hell. It's so over the top that it's impossible for anyone to imitate it in real life. Not that would matter, as any person who would take any of this shit remotely seriously has no doubt already shown enough warning signs of mental illness to have been locked up far away from society by now.

Obviously, it's not for everyone. But then again, this film could go the way of Two Girls One Cup, in that most people don't want to watch the movie itself, but would instead watch other people react to the film. I first questioned the idea to show this as a midnight movie, but after seeing it, it's precisely the kind of movie made for midnight. It's so fucked up, crazy and wild that it just doesn't work any other time of day.

So, strap in, have a sick bag handy just in case, unplug your brain and enjoy.

My day was boring as hell, so I'm writing about it, and to spice it up I'm acting as if I'm taking a shot of whiskey after every sentence.

I got to sleep in this morning until eleven, when the cat let me know he really, really needed food. So, I got up and fed him. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. So, I checked my Facebook and my Myspace, and I could tell not much was going on with anyone else, either. Oh, well.

Then, I puttered around the house for a while. Did a couple loads of laundry. Shot rubber bands at the cat. Then, I dressed him up and called him "Suzie" for about an hour. He he...fun.

I got to thinkin' that I hadn't had a good piece of pie in, like, forever. But what place has pie on a Sunday, at least some place that I could get a pie and nothing else without looking like a total freak? Judgmental assholes.

Hang on, gotta put a burrito in the microwave. There, done. I'm trying to finish up a lot of the things in the cupboard, so I'm straining some sauerkraut for a side dish. Where was I? Aw, screw it.

I shoulda done dishes today, but I'm too lazy. What, ya' gonna judge me for that, too? Gonna be like those pie snobs at Village Inn? You're all the same. No, I love you guys. You, anonymous, faceless, internet people.

God, I miss Suzie. Not the Suzie I was pretending my cat was, but a different Suzie. THE Suzie. I haven't talked to her since that "misunderstanding", but I wonder if she thinks of me, and not in that looking over her shoulder in abject fear kinda way. But I've grown since then, don't you think? Don't you think? HEY! I'm talking to-Oh, I forgot...Internet.

I wonder if Whataburger delivers. The burrito and sauerkraut was, well, not probably not the BEST idea, but it wasn't enough. I need to get my jalapeno bacon burger on! I like the Whataburger people. They're good people. Fuck Village Inn.

I want to keep typing, but the text is too small to read. There, that's better. Hey, I can make it all blue! Kick ass. Why am I so tired? Gotta fight through that. Maybe if I focus on the intense pain in my liver right about now that should keep me awake for a whilhnuiojk.,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This post was finally published by Fritschie's next door neighbor upon discovery of his unconscious body. Nothing was edited from this post, except about five pages worth of the letter m. Paramedics are en route.

Zack and Miri Make a Quantum of Solace

Zack & Miri Make a Porno

I actually saw this movie a week or so ago, but I haven't gotten around to writing a review until now. I really enjoyed it, though not up to the same level as Kevin Smith's other films (excepting maybe Jersey Girl).

Heretofore, all of Kevin Smith's movies have hit me in a time of my life where the underlying message of the film has reflected what has been happening in my own life. I first saw Clerks and Mallrats early in my adulthood where it was time for me to shit or get off the pot. Chasing Amy came out when I was madly in love with a girl who didn't really want to love me the same way. Dogma came right in the middle of a crisis of faith of my own. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, well, was a welcome distraction from a horrible breakup that happened that very afternoon. Jersey Girl was right at a time where I was remembering and coming to terms with things about my own father, who had passed many years prior. Clerks II was right at the time I was turning thirty and thinking about what I really wanted out of life.

Zack and Miri, is another matter. The film is about two lifelong friends discovering their true feelings about one another. While the film was hilarious for it's sheer raunchiness, just from repeated personal experience of falling for women who were great friends of mine beforehand, I felt myself cringing through most of the scenes. It wasn't the film's fault, nor was it Smith's, it just hit a little too close to home for me.Having experienced the reality of such situations (minus the actual filming-a-porno part), I found myself too distracted to enjoy the film as a whole. At many crucial plot points not to be divulged here, I felt like yelling "Don't do it! Don't do it!"

And while I'm glad the characters found their happily ever after, I really wanted to call bullshit on a lot of it. Maybe this is one film I'm gonna have to give some time and a change of perspective for it to win me over.


Quantum of Solace

Put aside the off-putting title and odd choice of theme song, and this is a great film. Starting off where Casino Royale left off, Quantum of Solace manages to continue the story and take it in a completely unexpected direction without it re-hashing the plot of the first film or making you feel lost if you hadn't seen the first one. In fact, my friend who hadn't seen Casino Royale loved it and wasn't confused, but that didn't stop us from making her watch it as soon as we got back to her house.

But even though the two films are parts of one larger story, they are very different in theme and structure. Casino Royale had a fourth act, which was kinda off-putting for a Bond film. Quantum is a return to the action-plot-action-plot-etc. that is a staple of the franchise, but in keeping with the momentum set by Royale, the characters are more human, deeply flawed and realistically motivated.

The bad guys could possibly exist in our world, though the secrecy of their actions would be highly improbable. In past Bond films, the villains couldn't shut the hell up about their plans, but now, they have to be beat half to death to let anything slip. Strangely enough, it's still a mirror image of the bad guys we have in real life. Back in the sixties, the real-life bad guys would never let any details slip about their dastardly deeds (ask any conspiracy theorist), but in this day and age, we seem to be surrounded with bad guys that seem to flaunt what they've done and act like they're bulletproof (cough-cough-Cheney).

Daniel Craig proves he's not just a flash-in-the-pan. He could've easily brooded his way through his second outing and it would've still been a good film. Watching him in any scene, you sense that there's something going on under all the machismo. Most Bonds of the past were either preforming the mission or going rogue. Craig has found a way to have his martini and drink it, too.

Dame Judi Dench was awesome as usual. in the Pierce Brosnan years, she played M as a tough as nails hardass to match Bond's devil-may-care attitude. But given that we're now with a James Bond who's still not quite the James-Fucking-Bond we were used to before Casino Royale, Dench plays the character a little deeper. She's still a hardass, but it's more in the strict mother/teacher kind of way. She rides Bond's ass hard at his mistakes, as she should, but now it's with a "What did you learn?" vibe. You get a sense that she knows the kind of spy Bond could one day become, but won't give him an inch until he proves he's worthy.

I'm glad they set up the idea of a new, super-secretive conspiracy. That's what gives Quantum it's best moments, in my opinion. Given that the producers have effectively rebooted the franchise, I feel it would've been a huge mistake to try to reboot SPECTRE (the evil organization from past Bond films) as well. This new super-villain group, which is partly the reason for the odd title, could have some mileage for several more films if the filmmakers play their cards right.

Director Marc Forster never ceases to amaze me. Looking at his previous films (Monster's Ball, Finding Neverland, Stranger than Fiction, The Kite Runner) he never does the same thing twice. When it comes to subject matter, he's managed to outdo Stanley Kubrick in the variance of subject matter, but unlike Kubrick, he's not only proven himself much more prolific at it, but also garnered a reputation of "Really? He directed that movie, too? No way!" How that will play out over the rest of his career, who knows? But it'll be interesting to see what he does next.

I've tried to avoid talking about too many plot points, but there are some truly inspired parts in Quantum of Solace. The main title sequence is vastly different that those we've seen in the past, forgiving the fact that the theme song will still need to grow on me. Fans of Goldfinger will love the modern twist on a classic image from that film. There's a wonderfully crafted scene that takes place during a performance of Puccini's Tosca. Plus, remember the torture scene in Casino Royale that made every guy squirm with sympathetic pain? Well, there's a shot in this movie that ensures that I won't be able to see an emergency fire ax the same way again.

Post-election Observations

This has been one weird week. I'm still overjoyed by the news of Obama's victory, but I'm being met in many circles with so much negativity and downright vitriol from right wingers around me. It seems Newton's Third law applies to politics as well as it does to physics: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

I live in Oklahoma, one of the only truly red states in the nation. McCain carried our state, and by a wide margin. Hell, we may have been the only state that went red in every frickin' county! And being a devout Democrat in a state like this is like walking into high school gym class in a tutu... You're just asking for trouble.

And I hate that I let this shit bother me for a second. People that I know that are getting into this with me is one thing. Most of them know they'll get a rise out of me, and I don't hold a grudge if they drive me to that. But now, I'm having total strangers do this shit. While I admire the strength of their convictions, and respect their right to express it, it just unnerves me the bullshit they bought into. For instance:

1) Don't you think that if there was the slightest shred of proof that Barack Obama was NOT born in this country that someone would've been able to prove it by now, not just because he got elected, but maybe during the 21 months since he announced his candidacy? When arguing this point with this one guy, I brought up that I could say McCain's having been born on a military base in Panama is just as questionable, but I don't stress this subject because I lack the evidence to prove a negative. Likewise, I couldn't prove the guy I was arguing with was not an asshole.

2) I find it particularly amazing how people can accuse Obama of secretly being a Muslim and mention Rev. Jeremiah Wright in the same sentence. Or, when someone called him an elitist then bestowed the virtues of John McCain, a man who dumped his disabled wife for a sugar momma and currently owns 7-12 houses?

3) Many of the points that get brought up just boggle my mind. They constantly bitch about Obama's stance on health care, taxes, Iraq, Osama bin Laden, etc. without actually knowing what those clearly stated stances actually are! It's as if they put their televisions on mute whenever Obama spoke or put on headphones when someone like me tries to inform them of the reality of the situation.

4) Tonight, I got this message on Myspace from someone I do not know:

I'm a right wing conservative republican who "clings to my guns and religion". I'm 24 and for some reason i've hit a wall in life and I don't feel as though i'm being challenged enough, you seem to be my exact opposite...want to be friends?

Are you fucking kidding me? Was the Democrats' victories last week so devastating that right-wingers are turning into Tyler Durden from Fight Club? You want me to hit you as hard as I can?

And I don't say this with any desire to fight anyone over these points, but have things gotten that boring at the eight-year Sean Hannity/Rush Limbaugh/William Kristol circle jerk that they feel the need to seek us out to gratify their conversational bloodlust? I would ask them if this was the best idea they had after two million years of evolution, but that would probably open a different can of worms altogether.

All of this raises some really big questions, in my opinion. Like, is our nation ready for a President that can formulate a sentence without a teleprompter? Are we ready for someone that will actually listen to the will of the people and uphold the laws of our land instead of shooting first and later convincing us it was the right idea?

And I'm sure by writing this I just opened up a whole new palette load of abuse from the very people I'm sick of hearing this shit from, but I had to get this off my chest. My one wish for people to work together on swallowing this shit sandwich our current president has served us, so that we can finally move on to the dessert course. I'm not saying we have to agree on everything, but we don't have to constantly fight about it, either.

That being said, the next person who asks me if I'd like more of the Obama Kool-Aid is getting a flag pin in the jugular vein.

One final, albeit scary, thought. Last weekend was the big Gun and Knife show here in Tulsa, and according to news reports, the sales were through the roof! Most of the people at this show were snatching up guns left and right in preparation for a possible ban on such weapons by the Obama Administration. However, some of that crowd I saw coming out of the QuikTrip Center had a weird determination in their eyes that looked as if they were planning something that might involve a manifesto of some sort. To any of those people, please, calm down. Count to ten.

However, I prefer to think any actions done by these people will be done in a defensive manner rather than offensive... Fingers crossed. If I'm right on this, I'm perfectly fine with what they're doing. They can go spend the next four years living off the grid, in the woods, drinking their own urine and watching Red Dawn on a perpetual loop. Fine by me. The rest of us will be in the real world advancing our society.

And to those of us doing the advancing: If you hear anyone on the mountain yelling, "WOLVERINES!!!!", we should strongly consider running like hell.

My new favorie online addictions

Get Your War On, new episode every Friday on 23/6

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Past episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on Hulu:



Simon's Cat:



Hate by Numbers on Cracked:

Wal-Mart Makes The Worst Movie of All-Time -- powered by Cracked.com

YES, WE FUCKING DID!

To paraphrase Bill Hicks, it feels like all the artists of this country have been shooting darts at the big elephant for years. The elephant is now dead.

As a born and raised, dyed in the wool liberal, tonight I experienced a joy that i could never have imagined. I literally dropped to my knees and started crying the moment it was called for our new President, Barack Obama.

It's been a long time coming, after years of our party's ideals being dragged through the mud by radical ideologues, and making us feel that our dreams for this nation might have slipped away forever. Tonight, I felt...for the first time in years...that there was a chance that a brighter day was finally here.

I hate to illiterate or hyperbolate this into a catchphrase any more than it already has, but it's fucking true. After years of being told "no", finally there's a shimmer of brightness on the horizon. The ring has been cast into the fires of Mount Doom, and the new age has reached its dawn.

I couldn't be happier, and I'm so happy to have spent this evening with my greatest friends.

Update

Tomorrow, I'm getting up early to get in line to vote. Not that I'm worried that the line will be around the block, but I'm making the effort regardless. And please note that getting myself out of bed before 7:30 on a week day means a lot.

I'm sitting here doing some research on the smaller items on the ballot... Don't want to wind up picking the wrong county judge or bond issue. Tulsa's pretty fucked up as it is, governmentally speaking, and I'd rather not contribute to the clusterfuck.

I'm also cleaning up the house, because my place has been chosen for my friends' election watch party. The deciding factor? I'm the only one with cable TV!


This weekend, I had three stand-up shows, and I did pretty damned good, in my own humble opinion. I was thankful to have this many sows right before the election. I figure this may be the last time to use that material. Most of it can't be tweaked no matter what the outcome is. I should have video online soon.


Other than that, not much else to report. Everything seems to be a work in progress and there's not much to report on yet.