My everlasting love for Wall-E and my undying hatred for Larry the Cable Guy

I've been going to movies long enough to not settle for anything less than what I know I'll like. In fact, I insist upon it. And, I've had a pretty good track record going. The last movie I walked out of starred Pauly Shore, if that give you any indication how long ago that was. For the record, that film wasn't of my choosing. That was a first and only date with that girl.

Part of this is knowing what to avoid. Think of it like a food allergy. If peanuts ever gave you a rash, you tend to avoid Snickers bars, no matter how many people tell you how good it is. In keeping with this analogy, there are certain people in Hollywood that I consider myself allergic to: Micheal Bay, Larry the Cable Guy, Ashton Kutcher, most rap artists and pop singers, etc.

Then, there are the filmmakers that I must see everything they've done, good or bad. Spielberg, Tarantino, Ridley Scott, Edgar Wright, Peter Jackson, etc. And, if I may use another food metaphor (I'm currently starving and writing this until the pizza get here), it like going to your favorite restaurant, and you're trying to have everything on the menu at least once. Granted, you may not always get a good meal, but you really like the chef.

On that last list, I hesitated to put Pixar, because I have never, and never plan to see Cars...my allergy to Larry the Cable Guy is that powerful.

I bring all this up because I just saw Wall-E, and I have to sing its and Pixar's praises. I don't wish to say what a lot of critics have said. Things like "Pixar has done it again." Because they've never done anything like this before. It's not only one of the best animated films I've seen, it's also one of the best sci-fi films I've seen in years. While it's still fresh in my head, I have to get some of these thoughts out:

1. I would love to sit in on an idea pitch at Pixar just once. I have a sneaking suspicion that the first question raised on any idea is "Could the main character be something that really shouldn't be able to express any emotion, but we'll do so anyway in a spectacular fashion?" Hell, Wall-E is a robot with a set of binoculars for a head, and that guy had me tearing up in laughter or sadness all the way through.

2. This film is proof that Jim Henson was a god. Henson's goal with any of his works was to tell an engaging, entertaining story...but with puppets. Pixar has pushed this philosophy to unbelievable heights. Every film Pixar has done could have been told in any medium and achieve the same results*, that's how meticulous they are in developing the characters, the story and the universe they exist in. Wall-E could've been a silent move with stick figures and it'd be just as engrossing, that's how good the story is.

*And to be fair, a couple of their stories have been told in another medium, only Pixar took the time to tell them better. Don't believe me, watch A Bug's Life and Three Amigos or Cars** and Doc Hollywood back to back.

** I'm kinda guessing on Cars, because as I've never seen it on account of Larry the Cable Guy***.

***Sweet Jesus, I hate Larry the Cable Guy. I find it difficult to want to exist in a world where George Carlin is dead and this guy still has a career anywhere other than a Denny's.

3. My only problem with the movie really isn't about the movie, it's with the Disney marketing department. Don't get me wrong, I loved this movie, but it would've been twice as good if I knew absolutely nothing about it going in. Thankfully though there is a trend in the making of movie trailers that they are starting to show alternate versions of big scenes in the final film. They did it with Iron Man and Wall-E did the same thing. Many of the big laughs in the trailers are in the film, only in a different, better and funnier context. However, I think Pixar has enough clout with audiences that they'd get the same audience, perhaps even a larger audience, if they didn't show a single frame from the film.

4. It was also pretty ballsy for Disney to go along with a film that has such an anti-mass-consumerism message. However, it is let ambiguous enough that everyone will see it differently. Personally, having worked for Wal-Mart, I laughed my ass off at the "Buy-N-Large" Corporation that owns every aspect of human society in the future, and the CEO character is such a sly swipe at our country's leadership that I'm pretty sure Dubya won't catch it. Again, you might see it differently.

5. The humans in the future were brilliantly done. Eons of inactivity have turned the human race into giant fat babies**** who drink all of their food out of cups and are moved around on floating recliners. In any movie, I tend to get so sucked in to the movie that I can tune out most of reality, but having my feet up drinking a large soda and seeing these people on the screen made me readjust in my seat.

****Imagine Larry the Cable Guy clean shaven and in a red onesie. On second thought, imagine him being suffocated by placing Git-R-Done stickers over his mouth and nostils. There, that's better.

6. There's a brilliant scene that absolutely killed me...just imagine One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with robots.

7. The Pixar short Presto! before the film is absolutely brilliant. There wasn't a trailer for the next Pixar film before the movie, but seeing as they have Cars 2***** on its way, I guess I'm thankful.

*****Why, God, why?!? People are starving in this country and You're allowing another fat paycheck to Larry the FUCKING Cable Guy? And people wonder why Atheism exists.

In summary, go see Wall-E.******

******Die, Larry. Just. Die.