Newton's third law...of freaking out

Newton's third law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The morning after my last post, on my way to work, I turned on the radio and the first thing I heard was the NPR news reporter saying, "...and then he turned the gun on himself."

I never respond well to change...especially good change. Where Newton's third law comes into this whole mess is this: Everything in my life works in a delicate balance. My work, finances and social lives are usually on even levels. If one goes bad, then one or both of the others tend to get better to compensate.

This is where my little freak-out this week came from. Things were really great with Libby this past weekend, which in my own fucked up way of thinking, worried me. Partly, because I knew that things were about to get really busy at work, so I was dreading the bad mojo. But then, I got to working this week and things were really good. With my finances finally on the right track, I knew things couldn't go wrong there. So, I was left with this huge uncertainty. Would the whole thing with Libby go straight to hell, or would my work life?

At first glance, I was thinking my love life was the area with the most strikes against me, so I guess I kinda stocked the storm shelter a little prematurely on that one. However, it was definitely a possibility that work could go in the crapper at the drop of the hat. I couldn't think straight with this huge unreasonable sense of dread, so my logical mind conpletely shut down. I didn't know what I was thinking, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that way, and worse yet, I couldn't stop myself from expressing the first thing that came to my mind at any given moment.

Libby, bless her, took a chance and rode it out. I was so sure that I had completely screwed things up, but I think things are gonna be okay...eventually. I have a lot of making up to do, but first, I need to quiet the little demons in my head that got me in this mess in the first place.

I'm thinking a lot clearer now, and I make no promises that this will be the last time this will ever happen. It's just an occasional phase I go through. From a historical perspective, this is nothing. Try and imagine how I reacted to my father's death 18 years ago, or my grandfather's over three years ago, or when my fiancee threw me out five years ago. I've made my peace with all of those things, but I won't deny that each of them took quite a bit of time. If you look at it on a sliding scale, I should be back to normal by the end of this week.

I know I over-think things, I know I get too worked up over the little things and I know I'm being irrational in my behavior. I've realized the problem, now I gotta take the steps towards stopping it from getting that bad. I've gotten tons of advice from my friends on this matter and I really appreciate it. However, telling a guy like me to stop worrying is like trying to convince Stephen Hawking to run a four-minute mile. Easier said than done.