VENTING!!!

Yes, this is another of those unneccessary, unreasonable and at times confusing little rants I occasionally do when I'm so worked up I can't think straight.

I'm tired of thinking, yet too tired to sleep. I've had a rough night having to explain things going on in my heart and my head that I cannot explain to save my life.

In light of recent events, I've had at least three people tell me that my main problem is that I cannot live in the present. Well, I've got news for you all...the present fucking sucks.

I've spent the past few years being mindful of my past while planning for the future. I've had problems for a while that I've been fixing one little bit at a time, and working on those problems every day. I am mindful of my past, and I have learned from my mistakes. I've learned to control my serious impulse control issues. With the way my world is right now, if I were to live for the moment, my bank account would be wiped out and I'd be calling my folks to wire me money because I've just woken up in the middle of a cornfield, severely hung over, naked with a half-spent kilo of pot laying at my feet and some woman I don't know asking me where I'm taking her for our honeymoon.

I freely admit, I fucked things up. Call it pathetic, call it panic, call it paranoid-delusional psychosis, call it any goddamned thing you want, but it happened and I can't take it back. I couldn't go through a single moment with her without some sort of worst-case scenario running through my head.

I at least had one breakthrough in all of this. My instincts at the first of this year were right on: I am not ready for any type of relationship, casual, serious or otherwise.

Sweet Jesus, I am so pissed right now that I'm breaking out in hives and my ears are so hot that my hair is liable to catch fire. I think about the catalysts that helped mold my mindset right now and all of those moments have only one thing in common: me. The problem is me and I have to try to fix it, along with so many other things in my life.

Well, one thing I've found that really works in these situations is to set a deadline. I've managed to do that with my workload at my job, I've done it with my debt, now I need to set one for my relationship issues. But how do I go about determining that? I mean, hell, they say one year is the standard for seriously greiving the loss of a loved one. Is this really that bad? No. Six months? Great, just in time for Oktoberfest...This kind of thing might be the one time I truly have to micro-manage. I need to seriously think about it, make a list of my main issues and deal with them one by one. I would ask you guys for help on this, but all of the comments might crash the server. So, if you must, make it brief.

Maybe I have finally fucking lost my mind, but when I look back...I tend to do that about once ever 5-6 years, so I guess I'm due. So, rather than let this all eat me up like it normally does, I'm just gonna go for the full release and get it out of my system. I'm gonna have my little breakdown, lose control for a while and pick up the pieces when I'm done. Don't worry, I'm not aiming for rock-bottom, I'm just gonna repel down the cliff face until I reach the end of my rope and pull myself up again.

Of course, my perspective might change come tomorrow, but I will be re-reading this later and try to make some sense out of it. In the meantime, i think I can finally get some sleep.