Quick election poll WTF

Yesterday, a friend pointed this article out to me. What I found absolutely hilarious was this information:

• 94 percent plan to go to the polls next month.
• 82 percent are extremely likely to vote.

So, are the other 12% just gonna go there and hang out? Mooch all the free coffee and donuts from the volunteers? More abstractly, is there the possibility one person will be so completely ignorant of the electoral process that they'll throw back the curtain on the booth and complain that it won't flush? Just imagine all the volunteers gaping in horror at the urine-soaked and short circuiting polling machine. Yuckiest. Recount. Ever.

Take off all that make-up, you look like an attention whore.

HA!!! I first read about this story this morning, long before she fessed up. A McCain volunteer claiming to be attacked, robbed and sexually assaulted by someone rooting for Obama. From the start, I smelled bullshit. I wasn't 100% sure, but I had the following suspicions:

1. In the history of humankind, when has there ever been a politically-motivated ATM mugging?

2. Even if the attacker was using a Gerber spoon, during the kind of attack she described in the police report, I marveled at his ability to not break the skin. That was a steady hand for a guy pumping adrenalin.

3. An attacker articulate enough to tell his victim "You will be a Barack Obama supporter." is apparently not intelligent to wrote the B the right way. On the other hand, maybe he screwed up, and human skin isn't the most forgiving medium.

4. No swelling, no bloodshot eye, no redness around the way-too-dark-too-soon bruise. Who'd she get to do her make-up, An emo noob?

5. The story first broke on the Drudge Report, and the photo was first posted on an anti-Obama website. It's as if Christmas came early for the wingnuts and hours later turned into April Fool's Day. When it came out as a hoax, no retractions. Drudge (which is the most apt name for the bottom-feeding hack that he is) just moved it down from the banner headline and the blog deleted the post altogether (which hasn't stopped people from flooding them with comments).

6. If you ever decide to fake an attack, shouldn't you come up with a crime scene that doesn't have constant video surveillance? I mean, an ATM? What part of this part of your story did you not think was gonna come back and bite you on the ass?

7. At least the fake mugger kept his message simple. I would've called bullshit far sooner if the guy itemized the issues during the attack. "This is for McCain's support of Big Oil! This is for wanting to raise my taxes! Here's what I think of your fucking $5,000 heath care voucher!"

8. One comment on the now-deleted blog post the picture originated from stated that the mugger might have suffered from "Mirror Vision", which supposedly means that the mugger wrote it backwards because he see things backwards. Well, if he saw things backwards, wouldn't he write the B the same way he always sees it, which is the same way we all write it? Likewise, the color I perceive to be blue may actually appear to you as what I would call red, but we both acknowledge it as the color blue. It's a basic principle of perception I have discussed with many people many times before, granted while immensely stoned.

While I'm on basic principles of perception, Might I remind people of ongoing case of the Court of Public Opinion vs. Mob Mentality? You see, upon hearing of such an attack people on both sides get fired up, offensively and defensively. And regardless of when the hoax is revealed, both sides are gonna still want someone's head on a platter and they'll settle for anyone.

Most people who were on this woman's side in the beginning are now split into two groups: those condemning her actions and calling for her head, and those using the exposure of the hoax as an example of the liberal media elite trying to bring a good woman down with their pesky facts and logical reasoning. And on the opposite side of the spectrum, we've got the people who cried bullshit in the beginning reveling in being right all along, and the ultra-defensive people crying conspiracy from McCain and Palin directly.

I, for one, called bullshit for one reason: It was a flimsy story with multiple plot holes that would've had a hard time making it past the table read for a 70's Mexican soap opera. This was an attempt at manipulation conceived, conducted and ultimately botched by a total idiot who is now being brought up on charges as a result. End of story.

And I'll leave you with this:

Hey, you know all those real issues that the McCain campaign wished you wouldn't think about? Well, distraction accomplished. At least until Monday.

UPDATE: A eighth-assed attempt at a backpedal has been posted at the blog that started it all.

My first stand-up video

I've got one more I'm editing down and I'll post it when I get it done. For now, enjoy!



Not to crap in my own punch bowl, but they weren't lying about the camera adding ten pounds.

Life Lessons Learned from My DVD Collection

1. Freeing animals from the zoo is always a good "Plan B".
2. Never put the pussy on a pedestal.
3. It's never too late to get it all back.
4. When in space, never piss in someone else's relief tube.
5. Talent agents will book any act involving family.
6. Never agree to write a screenplay about something you have no knowledge about, regardless of the guy next door knowing everything about it.
7. Theatricality can be a powerful weapon.
8. If you meet a hot chick on a train through Europe, don't act like it's the only night you'll have together, because you may run into her years later.
9. Don't knock rationalizations.
10. It's quite an experience to live in fear...that's what it is to be a slave.
11. Cash, every movie costs $2,184.
12. Never piss off a Scotsman.
13. You really can't do anything in this world without the proper forms.
14. You don't play your cards, you play the person sitting across from you.
15. It's not who you love, it's how.
16. Ordering your coffee black can save your life.
17. Don't blame for one and fuck the other.
18. When booking a donkey show, get all of the details.
19. When you run out of craft supplies, ransack you and your neighbors' yards.
20. All things considered, the simplest solution tends to be the best one.
21. When the government shuts you down, find another theater.
22. You can't handle an hour long drum solo on strong acid.
23. When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?
24. Even if you've been to two state fairs and a rodeo, there's always something stupider.
25. Ideas are better than beliefs.
26. When teaching a hot alien chick about our culture, it's best to skip past the part about war.
27. With enough soap, one can blow up just about anything.
28. There are three things that you need in life: Respect for all forms of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
29. If someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!
30. Jackie Wilson could even get the most stoic chick to move her feet.
31. If you win the crowd, you win your freedom.
32. Never show a mobster your prized racing horse.
33. Never go fishing with a mid-level mob enforcer.
34. If anyone makes you do the Truffle Shuffle prior to entering their yard, just jump the fence and punch them in the teeth.
35. On rare occasions, it's OK to let the seven-foot-tall black man grab your crotch.
36. Twelve years is apparently a long time for a rat to be alive.
37. No woman in the history of the owlrd is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian in my head.
38. A notepad in your pocket can save your life.
39. There's someone out there for everyone, even if you need a compass, a pickaxe and night goggles to find them.
40. Never mouth off to a wizard.
41. If you must toss a dwarf, let him bring it up, and the elf must never know.
42. Check for a pulse before you set your son's body on fire.
43. Memory is unreliable.
44. The future is not set. You can choose.
45. Scary monsters don't have plaque.
46. Life's like a move, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.
47. If you do not master your rage, your rage will become your master.
48. The house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.
49. When speaking in code, never quote Kashmir.
50. The code is more like guidelines than actual rules.
51. Elegance is key. When faced with a choice between a hammer, a chainsaw and a samurai sword, go with the sword.
52. You gotta get the Dip-Tet.
53. When faking stomach cancer, don't order out for burgers.
54. When your helmet deflects a bullet, don't take it off to inspect it.
55. In case the dead rise from the grave, go to the bar.
56. You can't kill a pig if he's wearing people clothes.
57. If you have the right script, people will focus more on Mickey Rourke than of a naked Carla Cugino.
58. When a guy with no head comes at you with a sword, don't accept his challenge.
59. Blame Canada.
60. With great power comes great responsibility.
61. Never hard-wire anything to your spine.
62. Why believe in a mystical power when it's just bacteria in your blood.
63. Never bet against the two-foot tall green guy.
64. When you start your saga with the fourth part, at least try to tie up some loose ends in episodes one and two instead of the last thirty minutes of episode three.
65. Greedo never shot first.
66. Every woman chuckles a little when Yoda says "Size matters not."
67. Even the mightiest empire can be crushed my muppets.
68. One man's mundane and desperate existence is another man's Technicolor.
69. Putting on glasses and changing your hair part is a perfectly legit disguise.
70. Arec Barrwin is worthress.
71. Snarky comments and cool gadgets are better weapons than theatricality.
72. I'm not saying that you don't know what you're talking about, but I don't know what you're talking about.
73. The trunk 1966 maroon Ford Galaxie 500 holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.

Busy, blech, bomb, better

Another long gap in posts, but I've got a good excuse this time. the past two weeks have been a mix of being busy, being sick and being without a computer at home.

At work, I've had a steady stream of projects with only one thing in common, they've all sat on the clients' desks until the last possible minute. So, I've had the pain of having to work my ass of without the benefit of overtime.

Work was starting to lighten up on Wednesday, just in time for me to start feeling sick. Sore throat, fever, and that overall shitty feeling made me stay at home on Wednesday night and almost call on sick on Thursday. I probably should have considering that my illness and nearly incapacitating cold medicine didn't keep my boss from yelling at me during the morning meeting.

That worked wonders, by the way. Nothing draws one's mind off being sick more than being extremely pissed off. It's the distraction principle. It's the same reason your headache goes away as soon as someone sticks your hand in blender and hits "Puree". But I got through it.

This past Tuesday, the motherboard on the laptop fried on me. The Lappy II is dead. Long live the Lappy II. just as I was trying to burn an important file to disk. So, on Friday, I had the guys at MegaWatts transfer the hard drive contents over to a used G4 tower they had in stock. And, whomever set up the system on that thing screwed something up, because i had to burn backups of all my files and reformat the hard drive.

I've got it all set up now, and it rocks. This is my inaugural blog post on Buford I. It's not too powerful, but it's got room to expand, which is a lot more than I could say for the Lappy. But it serves its purpose.

Political Cures That May Be Worse Than the Disease Vol. 10 - Debates

It's so strange that the two debates we've had so far (the first presidential and the only vice-presidential) have had such high ratings, but so low on honest tactics and even lower on excitement. So, I've devised a few ideas to make the debates a little more truthful, and a little more fun. Introducing:

THE FRITSCHIE RULES OF POLITICAL DEBATE

1. TIME LIMITS: With each new topic, the first candidate to speak has 90 seconds, then the other candidate has 90 seconds to respond, then back to the first candidate for a one minute response, then back to the second candidate for a rebuttal. This time will be marked in the same fashion as the shot clock at a basketball game. A large timer will count down the time, and when time runs out, a loud buzzer will go off. Any attempt to finish up your point after the buzzer has gone off will be moot... And mute, for that matter because their microphone will be cut.

2. FACTS: The entire audience will consist of fact-checkers, furiously Googling what the candidates are saying. Each audience member will have a button to press if the candidate is factually wrong. If more than twenty audience members find the candidate is lying and hit this button, the speaker will receive a tiny shock akin to a static shock from a carpet. However, the more people who hit the button (i.e. the more obvious the lie) the higher the voltage. Audience members will have to be screened in the off chance that they'll shock the candidates just for the hell of it.

3. SOUND BITES: A nationwide poll will be taken to determine the ten most annoying buzzwords used repeatedly by each candidate during the campaign. A second moderator, named "The Enforcer" will stand on stage between the two candidates and when a candidate utters one of the ten buzzwords, said candidate will be shot in the kneecap with a .22 caliber short round. There really is only one man who could fill the position of The Enforcer: Samuel L. Jackson..."SAY 'MAVERICK' ONE MORE TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

4. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND DEBATE: The lighting on stage will be fairly dimmer than what we normally see in televised debate, for good reason. Any candidate who attempts to use God to defend their position on any subject will have the lights turned up double on them. This is done to single out the "God Candidate" for our more simple minded populace, as well as to increase the chance for flop sweat and discomfort for the candidate and the viewing pleasure of voters with more than half a brain. Hell, the average Republican candidate would suffer third-degree burns from all the stage lights turned on them at once. There's your fucking tanning bed, Sarah Palin!*

5. EFFECTIVE USE OF HIGH DEFINITION: The broadcast of each debate will be done in a fashion to present each candidate in the most honest fashion as possible. Through use of high definition television and the split screen, the candidates will only be shown from the neck up, and with minimal make-up. This will allow the television audience the chance to see every facial twitch, every involuntary dilation of the pupil, every blush. With integrated internet links, we can also show each candidate's blood pressure, heart rate and temperature, making it much more fun if they get shocked by the audience, shot by The Enforcer or suddenly got hit by twice as many lights.

* Mad props to Mom for the tanning joke.

What I've been up to

One thought I've had repeating through my head is how I need to devote more time to my blog again. I've been a real slacker over the past few months. This used to be what I did to unload all the shit in my head. Either I'm so damn busy lately or I'm channeling a lot of that need to vent into my stand-up routines, but I feel bad that I'm only doing this once a week.

Since my last post, I've been swamped with work and various other projects, and I guess I'll go one by one:

THE MSG ALLERGY

The comedy club owners just kinda shrugged at the news of my allergy. I guess it's just agreed that not everyone will have the same reaction to the cheese sauce, and no one else has complained about it, so stay the course.

MY BAD LUCK WITH THE GAS COMPANY

On Sunday night, I went into the office to clean out our processor. When I arrived, the flood lights next door were on, as they usually are from dusk to dawn. But when I came out an hour later, the lights were off, there was a loud hissing sound, and the smell of gas in the air. Turns out that while I was inside, someone had rammed into the gas meter and took off. So, I called it into the gas company.

Yep, one week after dealing with my neighbor getting my gas shut off because of a leak, I'm calling ina a leak to my neighbor at the office. Poetic, isn't it?

POLITICS

After watching the two debates, I'll be posting another of my "Political cures that may be worse than the disease" this weekend. That being said, with everything that's happening with the economy and the bailout, it's gonna be satisfying to watch McCain go in to full meltdown mode in the coming weeks, and see Palin with that blank smile on her face wondering if this is normal.

WORK

One minor frustration after another. Moving on.

THE STATE FAIR

Fuck that. I can deep-fry things at home for a lot cheaper.

STAND-UP

Went up Wednesday night at the club and did really well. I'm going up at the Nightingale this Sunday. My first ten-minute set. Should be fun.

OVERALL MOOD

I'm starting to feel that itch to change some things in my life, particularly in the romance department. I'm mostly getting tired of being living proof that nice guys always finish last. For years, I've been the go-to guy for advice to help women understand the jerks in their lives. As if I can relate to that mindset in any way, shape or form. It's just something that's really starting to irk the living shit out of me.

I mean, you wouldn't go to a restaurant, order a hamburger, then complain non-stop that it's not a steak, right? Even if a steak is readily available there?

I guess I'm just tired of dealing with women asking why can't they have this and that, and all they respond to is what they want to hear, but meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking, "I got that, that too, etc."