Political Cures That May Be Worse Than the Disease Vol. 10 - Debates

It's so strange that the two debates we've had so far (the first presidential and the only vice-presidential) have had such high ratings, but so low on honest tactics and even lower on excitement. So, I've devised a few ideas to make the debates a little more truthful, and a little more fun. Introducing:

THE FRITSCHIE RULES OF POLITICAL DEBATE

1. TIME LIMITS: With each new topic, the first candidate to speak has 90 seconds, then the other candidate has 90 seconds to respond, then back to the first candidate for a one minute response, then back to the second candidate for a rebuttal. This time will be marked in the same fashion as the shot clock at a basketball game. A large timer will count down the time, and when time runs out, a loud buzzer will go off. Any attempt to finish up your point after the buzzer has gone off will be moot... And mute, for that matter because their microphone will be cut.

2. FACTS: The entire audience will consist of fact-checkers, furiously Googling what the candidates are saying. Each audience member will have a button to press if the candidate is factually wrong. If more than twenty audience members find the candidate is lying and hit this button, the speaker will receive a tiny shock akin to a static shock from a carpet. However, the more people who hit the button (i.e. the more obvious the lie) the higher the voltage. Audience members will have to be screened in the off chance that they'll shock the candidates just for the hell of it.

3. SOUND BITES: A nationwide poll will be taken to determine the ten most annoying buzzwords used repeatedly by each candidate during the campaign. A second moderator, named "The Enforcer" will stand on stage between the two candidates and when a candidate utters one of the ten buzzwords, said candidate will be shot in the kneecap with a .22 caliber short round. There really is only one man who could fill the position of The Enforcer: Samuel L. Jackson..."SAY 'MAVERICK' ONE MORE TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

4. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND DEBATE: The lighting on stage will be fairly dimmer than what we normally see in televised debate, for good reason. Any candidate who attempts to use God to defend their position on any subject will have the lights turned up double on them. This is done to single out the "God Candidate" for our more simple minded populace, as well as to increase the chance for flop sweat and discomfort for the candidate and the viewing pleasure of voters with more than half a brain. Hell, the average Republican candidate would suffer third-degree burns from all the stage lights turned on them at once. There's your fucking tanning bed, Sarah Palin!*

5. EFFECTIVE USE OF HIGH DEFINITION: The broadcast of each debate will be done in a fashion to present each candidate in the most honest fashion as possible. Through use of high definition television and the split screen, the candidates will only be shown from the neck up, and with minimal make-up. This will allow the television audience the chance to see every facial twitch, every involuntary dilation of the pupil, every blush. With integrated internet links, we can also show each candidate's blood pressure, heart rate and temperature, making it much more fun if they get shocked by the audience, shot by The Enforcer or suddenly got hit by twice as many lights.

* Mad props to Mom for the tanning joke.