Life Lessons Learned from My DVD Collection

1. Freeing animals from the zoo is always a good "Plan B".
2. Never put the pussy on a pedestal.
3. It's never too late to get it all back.
4. When in space, never piss in someone else's relief tube.
5. Talent agents will book any act involving family.
6. Never agree to write a screenplay about something you have no knowledge about, regardless of the guy next door knowing everything about it.
7. Theatricality can be a powerful weapon.
8. If you meet a hot chick on a train through Europe, don't act like it's the only night you'll have together, because you may run into her years later.
9. Don't knock rationalizations.
10. It's quite an experience to live in fear...that's what it is to be a slave.
11. Cash, every movie costs $2,184.
12. Never piss off a Scotsman.
13. You really can't do anything in this world without the proper forms.
14. You don't play your cards, you play the person sitting across from you.
15. It's not who you love, it's how.
16. Ordering your coffee black can save your life.
17. Don't blame for one and fuck the other.
18. When booking a donkey show, get all of the details.
19. When you run out of craft supplies, ransack you and your neighbors' yards.
20. All things considered, the simplest solution tends to be the best one.
21. When the government shuts you down, find another theater.
22. You can't handle an hour long drum solo on strong acid.
23. When you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?
24. Even if you've been to two state fairs and a rodeo, there's always something stupider.
25. Ideas are better than beliefs.
26. When teaching a hot alien chick about our culture, it's best to skip past the part about war.
27. With enough soap, one can blow up just about anything.
28. There are three things that you need in life: Respect for all forms of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
29. If someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!
30. Jackie Wilson could even get the most stoic chick to move her feet.
31. If you win the crowd, you win your freedom.
32. Never show a mobster your prized racing horse.
33. Never go fishing with a mid-level mob enforcer.
34. If anyone makes you do the Truffle Shuffle prior to entering their yard, just jump the fence and punch them in the teeth.
35. On rare occasions, it's OK to let the seven-foot-tall black man grab your crotch.
36. Twelve years is apparently a long time for a rat to be alive.
37. No woman in the history of the owlrd is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian in my head.
38. A notepad in your pocket can save your life.
39. There's someone out there for everyone, even if you need a compass, a pickaxe and night goggles to find them.
40. Never mouth off to a wizard.
41. If you must toss a dwarf, let him bring it up, and the elf must never know.
42. Check for a pulse before you set your son's body on fire.
43. Memory is unreliable.
44. The future is not set. You can choose.
45. Scary monsters don't have plaque.
46. Life's like a move, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.
47. If you do not master your rage, your rage will become your master.
48. The house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.
49. When speaking in code, never quote Kashmir.
50. The code is more like guidelines than actual rules.
51. Elegance is key. When faced with a choice between a hammer, a chainsaw and a samurai sword, go with the sword.
52. You gotta get the Dip-Tet.
53. When faking stomach cancer, don't order out for burgers.
54. When your helmet deflects a bullet, don't take it off to inspect it.
55. In case the dead rise from the grave, go to the bar.
56. You can't kill a pig if he's wearing people clothes.
57. If you have the right script, people will focus more on Mickey Rourke than of a naked Carla Cugino.
58. When a guy with no head comes at you with a sword, don't accept his challenge.
59. Blame Canada.
60. With great power comes great responsibility.
61. Never hard-wire anything to your spine.
62. Why believe in a mystical power when it's just bacteria in your blood.
63. Never bet against the two-foot tall green guy.
64. When you start your saga with the fourth part, at least try to tie up some loose ends in episodes one and two instead of the last thirty minutes of episode three.
65. Greedo never shot first.
66. Every woman chuckles a little when Yoda says "Size matters not."
67. Even the mightiest empire can be crushed my muppets.
68. One man's mundane and desperate existence is another man's Technicolor.
69. Putting on glasses and changing your hair part is a perfectly legit disguise.
70. Arec Barrwin is worthress.
71. Snarky comments and cool gadgets are better weapons than theatricality.
72. I'm not saying that you don't know what you're talking about, but I don't know what you're talking about.
73. The trunk 1966 maroon Ford Galaxie 500 holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.