My everlasting love for Wall-E and my undying hatred for Larry the Cable Guy

I've been going to movies long enough to not settle for anything less than what I know I'll like. In fact, I insist upon it. And, I've had a pretty good track record going. The last movie I walked out of starred Pauly Shore, if that give you any indication how long ago that was. For the record, that film wasn't of my choosing. That was a first and only date with that girl.

Part of this is knowing what to avoid. Think of it like a food allergy. If peanuts ever gave you a rash, you tend to avoid Snickers bars, no matter how many people tell you how good it is. In keeping with this analogy, there are certain people in Hollywood that I consider myself allergic to: Micheal Bay, Larry the Cable Guy, Ashton Kutcher, most rap artists and pop singers, etc.

Then, there are the filmmakers that I must see everything they've done, good or bad. Spielberg, Tarantino, Ridley Scott, Edgar Wright, Peter Jackson, etc. And, if I may use another food metaphor (I'm currently starving and writing this until the pizza get here), it like going to your favorite restaurant, and you're trying to have everything on the menu at least once. Granted, you may not always get a good meal, but you really like the chef.

On that last list, I hesitated to put Pixar, because I have never, and never plan to see Cars...my allergy to Larry the Cable Guy is that powerful.

I bring all this up because I just saw Wall-E, and I have to sing its and Pixar's praises. I don't wish to say what a lot of critics have said. Things like "Pixar has done it again." Because they've never done anything like this before. It's not only one of the best animated films I've seen, it's also one of the best sci-fi films I've seen in years. While it's still fresh in my head, I have to get some of these thoughts out:

1. I would love to sit in on an idea pitch at Pixar just once. I have a sneaking suspicion that the first question raised on any idea is "Could the main character be something that really shouldn't be able to express any emotion, but we'll do so anyway in a spectacular fashion?" Hell, Wall-E is a robot with a set of binoculars for a head, and that guy had me tearing up in laughter or sadness all the way through.

2. This film is proof that Jim Henson was a god. Henson's goal with any of his works was to tell an engaging, entertaining story...but with puppets. Pixar has pushed this philosophy to unbelievable heights. Every film Pixar has done could have been told in any medium and achieve the same results*, that's how meticulous they are in developing the characters, the story and the universe they exist in. Wall-E could've been a silent move with stick figures and it'd be just as engrossing, that's how good the story is.

*And to be fair, a couple of their stories have been told in another medium, only Pixar took the time to tell them better. Don't believe me, watch A Bug's Life and Three Amigos or Cars** and Doc Hollywood back to back.

** I'm kinda guessing on Cars, because as I've never seen it on account of Larry the Cable Guy***.

***Sweet Jesus, I hate Larry the Cable Guy. I find it difficult to want to exist in a world where George Carlin is dead and this guy still has a career anywhere other than a Denny's.

3. My only problem with the movie really isn't about the movie, it's with the Disney marketing department. Don't get me wrong, I loved this movie, but it would've been twice as good if I knew absolutely nothing about it going in. Thankfully though there is a trend in the making of movie trailers that they are starting to show alternate versions of big scenes in the final film. They did it with Iron Man and Wall-E did the same thing. Many of the big laughs in the trailers are in the film, only in a different, better and funnier context. However, I think Pixar has enough clout with audiences that they'd get the same audience, perhaps even a larger audience, if they didn't show a single frame from the film.

4. It was also pretty ballsy for Disney to go along with a film that has such an anti-mass-consumerism message. However, it is let ambiguous enough that everyone will see it differently. Personally, having worked for Wal-Mart, I laughed my ass off at the "Buy-N-Large" Corporation that owns every aspect of human society in the future, and the CEO character is such a sly swipe at our country's leadership that I'm pretty sure Dubya won't catch it. Again, you might see it differently.

5. The humans in the future were brilliantly done. Eons of inactivity have turned the human race into giant fat babies**** who drink all of their food out of cups and are moved around on floating recliners. In any movie, I tend to get so sucked in to the movie that I can tune out most of reality, but having my feet up drinking a large soda and seeing these people on the screen made me readjust in my seat.

****Imagine Larry the Cable Guy clean shaven and in a red onesie. On second thought, imagine him being suffocated by placing Git-R-Done stickers over his mouth and nostils. There, that's better.

6. There's a brilliant scene that absolutely killed me...just imagine One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with robots.

7. The Pixar short Presto! before the film is absolutely brilliant. There wasn't a trailer for the next Pixar film before the movie, but seeing as they have Cars 2***** on its way, I guess I'm thankful.

*****Why, God, why?!? People are starving in this country and You're allowing another fat paycheck to Larry the FUCKING Cable Guy? And people wonder why Atheism exists.

In summary, go see Wall-E.******

******Die, Larry. Just. Die.

R.I.P. George Carlin

George Carlin has passed. Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits.

I was 13 when I listened to my first Carlin record, Occupation: Foole. I still have that album, and the jacket still faintly smells of the pot my parents de-seeded on it. I've long since upgraded to CD for that album, and I still laugh hysterically every time i listen.

He was the last of the holy trinity of stand-up comedy, alongside Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor. Make no mistake, the man was my hero. His comedy was my church, and here-to-fore he was my preacher, but now in his death he is my patron saint.

From the straight-laced early days, to the counter-culture, through the goofy stuff from the 80's, the angry rants of the 90's and the later, more philosophical works at the end, he covered about everything there was to cover and even some things we had not yet realized, he neatly separated truth from utter bullshit and held a mirror in front of our society and had us on the floor laughing as a result.

For years, listening to Carlin actually discouraged me from pursuing stand-up, because I knew I would never reach his level in a million years. Now that I have started doing stand-up, and walking that familiar path that all comics do, I realize that we all see just how high the bar has been set. I began this journey wanting to pay homage, and now I do so as a tribute.

We all strive to find a unique voice and message in everything we do and we must be grateful that we have been blessed with someone like him to show us the way.

So long, George, peace be with you, and may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Ah, venting is fun...

Not that I'm developing delusions of grandeur or anything, but I may soon have to confront some rather disturbing facets of my supposed infamous reputation. Because after meeting several new people around town recently and hearing, "Oh, yes...I've heard all about you...", and when I press for some of this information they laugh nervously and change the subject, I began to suspect that I may be the protagonist/antagonist of some fairly juicy rumors around town.

I have managed to beat some details out of friends who were in the know, and many of the details have ranked at about sun-dried tomato level on the juiciness scale. Things about my dating history, some of which were based on solid facts, have found new life in works of fiction via word of mouth. However, most of it was frankly a bit flattering because it painted me in an intriguing light to members of the opposite sex, but still easily debunked by anyone who has known me for over, say, one hour.

And it comes with the territory. I mean, I have done quite a bit over the past year that has gotten me at least some notoriety around town, and I guess I'm not so surprised that some falsehoods get spread around about me. I've just been able to brush them off as gossip.

That is, until this newest one.

I wish not to repeat the rumor here because I do not want to give it any more power than it already has. I will say that it doesn't just involve me, it also involves one of my closest friends and by proxy, her family. And if you have heard anything about this rumor, rest assured it is absolutely, 1,000% NOT TRUE.

You see, I don't normally draw lines in the sand, but this is a running jump over that line. Say what you will about me - I can take that - but if you get anyone I care about involved, then it's time I sharpen my claws.

However, the rumor itself is not the thing that pisses me off the most. It's that a good friend of mine has either perpetrated the rumor or perpetuated it. It is irrelevant whether this person is the main offender by starting it or the accessory after the fact by spreading it. Either way, anything short of detailed evidence, flowcharts, and 27 - 8 X 10 color glossy photos with circles and arrows and paragraphs on the back of each one proving that this person was not involved in any way is gonna deter me from casting away someone I have known and here-to-fore loved for close to a third of my life.

For those of you doing the math in your head, and you're NOT getting that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that I may be speaking about you, let me say this: Talk of this matter ends here. Don't ask me to secretly explain my cryptic messages because I don't want this to begin any more drama and unnecessary bullshit than it already has. This posting is merely a means for me to vent all of this vitriolic anger and mind-boggling feeling of betrayal by a person whom I have trusted from the moment we met up until about three hours ago.

And if you ARE getting that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, don't feel like you need to avoid me. Just go on like nothing's nothing, and if my response to your hello are the words, "We need to talk.", then believe me, we will have words.

Oooooooh, will we have words. Words that could shred Kevlar. Words that would make a drill sergeant piss his pants. I'm even reading the dictionary cover to cover in case I need backups. I have made an appointment with a German language professor in case I run out of words in English. I might even ask for occasional breaks for Gatorade. I'm making a mix tape of inspirational, albeit angry, music in my head to act as a soundtrack to our little talk.

This...is gonna be brutal. Legend. Epic. The mother of all fuck-off's, and in many people's opinions, long overdue.

Sleep tight.

Hulk smash Fritschie's puny expectations.

Saturday afternoon, I caught a matinee of The Incredible Hulk. Oddly enough, it was the same theater, same screen that I saw The Hulk when it came out five years ago. Pretty damn good flick, and a vast improvement on the last one. It's hard to describe...not a sequel and not quite a reboot. The storyline that most people are familiar with and summed all of that up in the opening credits. Kinda like what they've done with the Spider-Man sequels. But, the storyline it summarizes is from more from the old TV series instead of the last movie.

Edward Norton did a great job. His level of fame at this point in his career naturally means that it takes a short while into any of his movies to see him as the character instead of Ed Norton. Liv Tyler was good, and there was a good level of chemistry between she and Norton. Tim Roth played the bad guy very well, as always, and his transformation mirrored that of a drug addict, wanting more and more until he goes over the edge.

The biggest surprise for me was William Hurt. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a tremendous actor, It's just whenever he's tried action films, he really hasn't fit in very well. Case in point: Lost in Space. But he really owned his role in Hulk, and did a hell of a lot better job than Sam Elliott in the last Hulk.

Growing up, I wasn't much of a comic book geek. I was enough of one to be familiar with the story lines, but not enough to tell you the exact issue the events happened in. But, it was enough to be able to call bullshit on any comic book movie that strayed from the original mythology.

So, when the first Hulk movie came out, I enjoyed it for the visual style, but couldn't bring myself to watch it again because of how far removed it was from the story I was familiar with. But Marvel Comics made a brilliant power play. It took control over all of their properties and started making the movies themselves, enlisting the major studios for distribution only. The first result was Iron Man, which not only remained true to form, but also is my favorite movie of the year thus far. A teaser scene at the end of Iron Man hinted at the direction Marvel is taking these movies. A brief scene at the End of Incredible Hulk does this as well. Yep, their building up to an Avengers Movie.

Here's where the rumor mill is at so far. Next up is Thor, then Captain America, then Iron Man 2, and the Avengers soon after. Sorry DC Comics, but Marvel has just kicked your ass. With the recent reboots of Superman and Batman, not to mention the long-delayed Wonder Woman movie...it'd be really tough for you guys to work in the possibility of a Justice League movie the same way Avengers is coming along. However, I have heard word of a in-progress Justice League movie, but with all-different actors playing Supes and Batman. It may be too little, too late.

Rough set

There are a lot of bad things to happen to a stand-up comic. Third worst would have to be "death on stage" meaning your set completely bombed. Second is literal death on stage, no matter if it's natural or otherwise...You're still dead. And I would guess the absolute worst is literal near death...because hey, how the hell can you top resurrection as a gimmick!

No, I experienced the fourth worst fate for a stand-up: Going up first. My material was solid. I delivered my lines in proper order, and didn't get too distracted by the far-too-sober, not-quite-ready-to-laugh audience. My jokes were good, and the crowd wasn't totally unresponsive. They did laugh, but more in a politely distracted kind of way.

After my set, I went outside to chain smoke about half a pack to calm my nerves. Didn't help. What did help was getting something to eat and catching the rest of the show. Knowing I was going on stage, I skipped dinner because puking on the front row wasn't the kind of "edge" my act needed. The rest of the show went pretty smoothly by the time the featured comedian got up for his set.

Much like flying an airplane, the majority of turbulence occurs between take-off and cruising altitude. My set just happened to go on before the flight attendants started serving cocktails.

This house...is clean.

A lot of little things in my life require some sort of catalyst to kick my ass into action. During my busy season at work, my apartment's cleanliness suffered the most. I just haven't been able to motivate myself to clean up around here for the past month and a half. Well, it took a promise I made to my friend's daughter a long time ago to get me to clean this place up.

A couple months ago, Ivy got a brand new, high end digital camera. While hanging out at their house, she was geeking out over the camera, and flippantly mentioned that she needs to go buy a tripod. I told her that I had a tripod that I haven't used but a couple times since I bought it four years ago. Knowing her love for photography, and knowing that I sure as hell wasn't gonna be using it anytime in the near future, I offered to give her the tripod.

Ever since, I have been forgetting to bring her the tripod, and have been reminded every single time. On Friday, as I was out the door to go to my buddy Tony's birthday party, Ivy got proactive and called me to remind me not to forget it. I went into the closet and retrieved the tripod, but quickly noticed that the most crucial part was missing, i.e. the part that attaches to the camera. So, I took an extra few minutes tearing the place apart to find it, but to no avail.

So, my place was beyond the level of pig sty...at least you can walk around in a pig sty. No, my apartment was looking like post-war Berlin. Saturday was too busy for me to do any substantial cleaning, but today, I had nothing better to do.

Four trash bags full of junk, three rounds of dishes, and a big pile of dirty laundry (to be done later this week...still got clean clothes left), and this place is clean...er. I still got a little bit of straightening up to do, but at least I won't be as embarrassed to have company over.

The best part? I found the missing part to the tripod. But, Ivy is off to New York for a week, so no rush in getting it to her.

And none of it was possible if a 15 year old hadn't nagged me one last time to keep my promise. Thanks, kiddo!

Back in the swing of things

Well, The big project has been printed and delivered, and the expected annual barrage of errors pointed out has amounted to a grand total of one. On one page, a page looked over and triple checked by at least four people, a woman's age got listed incorrectly. She was listed as 20, when she was actually 22. I take pride in the fact that my one slip-up was taken as a compliment.

Now, I'm back on my normal workload, and I am very thankful for that. My only problem is deadlines, which are being met as quickly as I can meet them. My clients are understanding of my situation and I'm glad they are being so flexible. It saves me the time and energy explaining to them that human cloning has been outlawed or that state labor laws prohibit the use of magical pixies.

I've been taking some steps to re-regulating my sleep schedule, but it's proven a bit difficult with my increasingly active social schedule.

Thursday night was my regular Guinness night, and I wound up closing down the bar. It became all too clear how hard I've been working lately with the number of "Long time no see" greetings I got down at Arnie's.

A good friend of mine invited me to tag along on a road trip to Seattle at the end of July. I told him I'd have to check with my boss about taking a week off. Unfortunately, just moments before I was to talk to my boss(es), my assistant put in his two-week notice. Seattle can wait, though. Besides, I'd miss my friends playing at D-Fest.

Friday night was the midnight movie at the Circle, and I enjoyed myself a little Donnie Darko. I had never seen it before, which makes the compliments I received for the poster advertising the screening all that much better. Apparently I don't need to know that much about what I'm advertising to get people to come along with me.

As for the movie, I really liked it. It's the kind of movie I could imagine myself writing...if I had been reading Graham Greene while watching Evil Dead after taking a heroic dose of 'shrooms.

Saturday night was Old Crow Confessions. For the uninitiated, Confessions is like a really drunk town hall meeting. Everyone in attendance is invited to participate, stepping up to take a swig of cheap whiskey and confess their sins, fears, rants and raves in a judgment free environment. I got up a couple time to get a couple things off my chest and it felt great to do so. Sure, I'd like to tell you more, but the rule is that what's said there, stays there.

Sunday night was my debut at Comedy Night at the Nightingale. This being my third time doing stand-up and my third time with all-new material. My challenge to myself is to do one more set of original material before I start repeating myself. This time around, I tackled relationships, and my set went really well. Now, I'm working on a whole set about my troubles finding a new car. It's shaping up pretty well, and I'll be able to try it out when I go up at open mic night next Wednesday.

After the show, we headed down to Caz's for a few post-show beers, and it was a lot of fun. I was still riding on the adrenaline of being on-stage, and, feeling bold, I started hitting on a woman at the bar. True to my shy nature, I didn't take it too far. Just enough to send out a vibe.

About the time I was debating whether or not to go home and get some sleep, a woman walked in that looked a lot like a woman I met very recently. I nudged a buddy of mine who knows the girl I was thinking of and he looked and said that it wasn't her. So, I finished my beer, tabbed out at the bar and lo and behold, it was the girl I was thinking she was. So we chatted for a short while, but I was getting too tired and politely excused myself to get some sleep.

And so, a new work week began this morning, and everything appears to be running smoothly...for now. But, I've gotten used to the fight-or-flight response first thing in the morning, so things should be fine in the long run.

My day off with Indy

83:20. That was my total on hours this past week. I clocked out at 4:00 on Sunday with the big project 99.9% done. I just have to hit print on a few final pages Tuesday morning and I can get back to the normal work load.

So, I had the day off today. I paid off my massive sleep debt, and for the first time in almost a month, I haven't had jack shit to do...except go see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

My review of the film in two words: It'll do.

In five words? Great but far from perfect.

The action scenes were really good. I do love me some attacking howler monkeys and big frickin' ants swarming over bad bad guys. The plot lines, on the other hand, ran just a little too smoothly for my taste, but I can forgive that. They had a lot of ground to cover in such a short amount of time. Sure, I could pick it all apart, making a list of other ways they could've gotten it all done, but this way was just as effective as anything this armchair director could've done.

I'll do my best to keep the spoilers to a minimum.

The only thing that really bugs me, though, is the one thing missing from this installment that the other three had: a moment of genuine self-sacrifice.

In Raiders, Indy threatened to blow up the arc with a bazooka if the Nazis didn't release Marion, sacrificing a great artifact for the woman he loves. In Temple of Doom, he cut the rope bridge. In Last Crusade, we got a triple shot: Indy ran the gauntlet to save his father, took the leap of faith, and ultimately allowed the grail to slip away.

Crystal Skull just didn't have a moment like that. It followed a formula closer to an episode of Young Indiana Jones Chronicles than it did the other three movies. Don't get me wrong, the movie worked, but not quite like the other movies did.

But Spielberg did keep the movie square in the same visual style of the other movies. It still had that timeless Saturday afternoon serial feel to it. Having the movie set in the fifties was a nice touch. It help deal with Indy's advancing age, and setting the film in the middle of the red scare not only allowed for a new kind of enemy for Indy to face, but also a new world for him to prove himself a hero.

I agree with my buddy Corey that the best thing they could've done differently in the marketing of the film was to keep Marion out of all of the trailers. Watching the movie, her entrance would've been one of the greatest surprises in film history. However, that would've been next to impossible given her role in the film. Every great action sequence had her in it, and short of filming alternate takes without her or airbrushing her out for the trailers would not have been an easy task.

Personally, I blame George Lucas on that one. He's passed up this kind of opportunity before. Remember the trailers for Episode I? Imagine how kick-ass it would've been to not see Darth Maul's two-ended light saber until you saw the movie? Or maybe not have released the tie-in books, soundtrack with song titles that gave away the plot, and all of the toys with character descriptions on the packaging a full month before the opening of the film?

But what's done is done. Indy's back, and in the end, I'm grateful.

Update

I clocked out of work today with nearly 72 hours for the week. I left at around 3:30, and ever since then, it has seemed like time has stood still. I'm getting some cleaning done around the house, and every time I look at the clock it's only a few minutes later than the last time I looked. Maybe it's because my body has been so hopped up on caffeine for the past week that I'm still in superhuman speed mode, or maybe it's just a gift from the Gods to reward me on my afternoon off.

The big project is going smoother and rougher than it ever has. My new assistant has really kicked ass on his part of the project. Thanks to him, we're a week ahead of schedule on overall production. I, on the other hand, have been making up time all week, and currently I'm still a few days behind. Another week of 14 hour days should take care of it. It's been hard, seeing as I've had a full workload in my other duties with no relief in the immediate future. I've only been able to touch the big project after hours.

It's been long, hard work, and despite the 72 hours, I've managed to spend time with my friends, which has kept me from going completely mental. Unfortunately that hasn't helped with sleep. I decided to go out for a couple beers on Thursday and wound up staying out just as late as I had the previous three nights.

Friday, I hung out with my friends at the Blue Dome Arts Festival. For reasons beyond me, I decided to walk there from home. It was only about 15 blocks, but being sleep deprived and out of shape, it could just as well been Mount Everest. Plus, having to walk through Mayfest to get there wasn't exactly a picnic. But after sitting down for a few minutes, I got a huge rush of energy that sustained me throughout the rest of the night.

I got off work Saturday around 7:00, and went back down to Blue Dome to see Cairde na Gael play. This time I drove. Three Penny Upright played later in the night at Club 209, and afterwards, we all went to IHOP for what wound up being an ill-advised batch of stuffed french toast surrounded by some of the most trashiest people ever gathered in one place. The whole place smelled of pancake batter, Axe body spray and defeat.

Today was pretty easy given the workload. I got a few more pages done on the project, and I currently stand at 60% done. Back at it tomorrow.

On doing stand-up

On Wednesday, I went up for my second time doing stand-up. It went a lot smoother this time. A little too smooth. The thing is, on open mic night, you get four minutes. This posed a challenge for me because (and anyone who has read this blog can tell) I'm not really good at putting a limit on my words. My writing process has had to adapt to this new format.

Most of it stays the same. I start with the basic subject. Then, I make a list of items I want to cover. I make a list of what I find funny about them. Now comes the hard part for my writing style: Whittling it down.

It's gotten easier the more I do it, but there's still the factor of time. Four minutes. What I've learned the hard way is that on stage, Earth time goes completely out the window. I've written and performed two different sets, and both times I've practiced it over and over again in the car, at home, during smoke breaks at work and I had both sets I had perfectly timed to fill those four minutes. When I'm on stage, I get a light from the back of the room telling me I have thirty seconds left. If that light flashes again, it means I've gone over those four minutes.

The first time I went up, I finished my set just after the first light. The second time, I was at a handicap. I had a bit that required a small sight gag that I knew wasn't gonna work well while wearing my glasses, so I was more or less blind to any light I got from the back. I finished my prepared set, and made my exit. What I was sure was a solid four minutes turned out to be 3:20 in stage time. The remedy is simple, I need to work on some optional filler material.

I've decided that I'm gonna write material for at least two more sets before I start repeating myself. I'm still trying to find my schtick. As I get more comfortable being on stage, it'd be easier for me to work on that. As it stands, my nervousness on stage still shows, and I've found myself delivering my lines kinda deadpan, which thankfully works with the material. The sight gag worked differently than I thought it would, but it worked nonetheless.

Working on new material, I realize that each joke falls under one of four categories:

1. It's funny because it's true.
2. It's funny because I'm exaggerating.
3. It's funny because I'm lying my ass off.
4. That sounded a lot funnier in my head (usually not discovered until performed in front of a crowd).

So far, I've covered having hippy parents, getting over the flu, my greatest fears in life, addiction to television and crime scene investigators. I want to work on more personal stuff, like relationships...because, let's face it, most of my past relationships = comic goldmine. The challenge in writing that material is trying not to sound too bitter. I like to think I've moved past all that, but I run the risk of my funny time to turn into some sort of a pity party.

Due to my increasingly hectic work schedule over the next month, I'm gonna step away from stand-up for a few weeks. I could make the time, but I'd be too prone to just bitch about work in my act. Plus, being sleep-deprived would kinda screw with my energy on stage, don't you think?