While I was away

Okay, so I've been busy the past few days, so I'll just try to fill you in on some of the greatest hits from the past few days:

- I saw a truck with the most unusual accessory: a molded plastic set of testicals, apparently designed specifically to hang from the trailer hitch so that everyone knows that this truck has balls, even though the jury's still out on whether the driver has a pair.

- I heard a news report about a serial killer receiving multiple life sentances, and the reporter actually said that the man will be eligible for parole in 400 years. Why do they have to make that distinction rather than just say "without the possibility of parole"? It kinda frightens me that our legal system might be preparing itself just in case this guy happens to be the frickin' Highlander.

- I realized something about the Back to the Future trilogy that has pretty much ruined it for me forever. In part one, Doc Brown mentioned that he spent his entire family fortune building the time machine. Yet in part two, he lectures Marty over how he didn't build the time machine for financial gain, but later whips out a case full of spending money from different time periods. Where the hell did this money come from if he didn't make a little money on the side? Man, Doc Brown is a liar and I'm one sad, pathetic human being for realizing why.

- I bought Batman Begins on DVD and found out how close I was to forgetting how great that movie really was.

- My mom called me and told me that they had cancelled their vacation plans, so I wouldn't have to housesit for them. The good news, I wouldn't have to drive four hours the morning after getting smashed on St. Patrick's Day. The semi-good news, I won't have to take three days off from work during a really busy week. The bad news, I won't be getting money from my folks for watching their house.

- I've had at least five conversations with friends and co-workers that have made me feel very good about my station in life.

- At Target, I witnessed a woman buying three copies of Walk the Line on DVD...just in case she wants to see it more than once.

- As repulsed as I am by the idea of a full-length Curious George movie, the soundtrack is really damned good.

- The president's approval rating is now at 34%. What other political position in the world could you possibly keep if two-thirds of the population think you suck? Most recall elections held for mayors, governors, etc. only require a few thousand signatures on a petition. What the fuck do we have to do? Wait a minute, If he goes, Cheney will take over. Sweet Jesus, you gotta hand it to the Bush family, they really know how to pick running mates, don't they? If Cheney is to ever have to assume the presidency, we'd be so fucking screwed. Better be safe than sorry, folks: Always have the timer set on your microwave oven. Be prepared to hit START and fry out his pacemaker if that man ultimately decides to come door-to-door to terrorize the living shit out of you.

- Tonight, at my friend Nathan's birthday dinner (at a Chinese restaurant), I kept grabbing one fortune cookie after another and getting really lousy fortunes. If these combined fortunes are to be believed, I am a good and honest person with well-respected delicate features and I will become wealthy on a long journey with a secret admirer...in bed.