Hello Square Two, my old friend

Once when I was little, I got it in my head to build a house of cards. I think I saw a really big one in a movie or TV show or something and I thought it would be cool to make one of my own. Hard as I tried, I never got higher than one story before the whole thing collapsed. I lacked the patience and the steady hand to build the house properly.

Then I had a brilliant idea: glue. I took a bottle of my trusty school glue and started gluing the cards in their place. I got through the first deck of cards and it looked great. Then, when I started to add on to it with a second deck and quickly built on about an extra foot and a half and left the room. As it turns out, I put on the second deck of cards too quickly, the new cards fell and the glue dried. I was left with a nicely stacked base and a huge pile of cards on top.

The reason I bring this up is that it's a metaphor for my life at this moment. I fucked things up-big time-with Libby.

You know that thing your brain does that filters the truth in such a way that it makes it sound a little better? Tact, I believe it's called. Yeah. I'm fresh out of that. Likewise, there's this thing normal people do where they stop talking before they say something really really stupid? Apparently, I can't do that.

I really like this girl, but whenever I'm around her, three thoughts are always floating around in my mind: 1) She lives at home with her folks. 2) I'm still living with my ex-girlfriend. 3) She will be moving away in a few months. At first, these felt like obstacles, but in being with her the past couple days, it's felt more like three strikes. No matter where I go with this girl, no matter what we're doing, I can't help but think about that day when I'm gonna have to say goodbye to her.

So, what do I do? Like a complete moron, I talk to her about it and suggest that she and I just be friends. It was a lot like locking your keys in the car...realizing you're doing it AS you're doing it, yet you can't stop the door from closing. All you can do is paw at the door and go "NOOOOOOO!"

I don't know what to say to her, or how long I should wait to say it. This girl was like a breath of fresh air, and my tactlessness went and opened up a vat of chlorine gas. And now, I'm left with a sunken feeling in my chest and the lyrics to John Mayer's "My Stupid Mouth" playing over and over again in my mind.

There's a this part of my brain that does this to me all the time. It makes certain things sound very logical and reasonable, but then sends a encrypted message to my mouth and promptly places me waist deep in shit. In this case, I was just pointing out what would be inevitable, and perhaps offer a get-out-of-jail-free card. Instead, I come off like Captain Asshole McPrickerslime.

I think that once I hit the "publish post" button, I'll do a little research about this part of my brain, try and locate it, then puncture it with an ice pick.

I guess you could say this is a return to form on the blog, so to speak. Instead of not posting for fear that I would jinx things, I'm back to whining about what's going wrong in my life. Welcome back, your dreams were your ticket out.