My sure-fire can't-miss movie pitch

This movie has everything!!!

It's a fish-out-of-water romantic gothic horror coming-of-age docu-dramedy period-piece historical science fiction children's 3-D slapstick action adventure summer blockbuster Oscar-caliber special effects extravaganza pre-sequel.

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl overcomes incredible odds to win boy's love, boy gets abducted by a religious zealot alien and taken to small-town America where wackiness ensues. Then, a ruthless killer with supernatural powers holds girl hostage, so boy must search deep within himself to conquer this evil, as well as his debilitating mental condition he develops as a result of the aliens' brainwashing the boy to get him to assassinate the President.

To do so, he goes deep undercover and outside the law to redeem himself in the eyes of a precocious little girl and her talking dog that he meets on his way to the no-holds-barred martial arts tournament held on the ruthless killer's private island, which is, in fact, a computer-simulated world filled with pirates, warlocks and animated bunnies (for comic relief).

His epic struggle through the tournament leads him to doubt his feelings for the girl, so he goes back in time to prevent himself from meeting her in the first place. His plan backfires when he accidentally alters the course of human evolution and turns the whole world upside down. In a stunning twist, the boy then finds himself falling in love with the ruthless killer, and must fight the girl in the final round of the tournament.

With help from the alien, who was locked in a struggle against the girl the whole time, boy defeats girl. With her dying breath, the girl reveals that she is actually the boy's mother, the talking dog is his father, the precocious little girl was just a figment of his imagination, and that the ruthless killer, the love of boy's life (did I mention that the killer is a retarded deaf-mute groundskeeper?) is dying of cancer. The alien grants the boy one wish to save just one of them, in exchange for sexual favors.

So now, he must choose to save the mother he never knew or the ruthless killer he's fallen in love with. The boy chooses to save the killer, except now the killer is upset that the boy had accepted the alien's offer and betrayed their forbidden love. So begins the boy's journey of redemption, but with one more setback: He's now bankrupt.

He has to raise the cash it takes for settle his debts with the mobsters who financed his entry into the tournament. To that end, he steals from the alien, defeats the mob, and rushes home to declare his love for the ruthless killer. He discovers the killer in bed with the dog, and in a fit of blind rage, kills them both. After being sentenced to life in prison, boy hatches a plan to escape and fight the tournament again and reclaim his former glory.

(Insert training montage set to catchy rock music here)

The only problem is, the final round is a tag team match against mutated cyborg super-clones of the killer and the talking dog, and the boy's only choice for a fighting partner is the alien. He convinces the alien to fight with him because he's just an ex-con trying to go straight and win back custody of his kids.

The alien double-crosses the boy and teams up with the killer and the talking dog. The boy's only hope for victory is to use the magic crystals the girl (remember the girl?) had slipped into his pocket before she died. He unleashes the power of the crystals and defeats the killer, the talking dog and the alien.

Victorious, the boy is greeted by the President and granted a full pardon. Suddenly, shots ring out, and the President is killed. Because of his earlier experience of brainwashing the boy becomes the prime suspect (boy's life-long addiction to drugs doesn't help his credibility, and must set out to clear his name. But who could the real assassin be? The precocious little girl (who may or may NOT be real), the pirates, the warlocks, the European ninja terrorists, the Knights Templar, the owner of the haunted amusement park...or could it be someone or something else? Or was this all a dream...in the mind of an autistic kid...living on the moon? The real game of cat and mouse begins.

A title card reads TO BE CONTINUED.

Fade to black. Roll credits.