Combining my entire DVD collection into one long story

I'm gonna go alphabetically. Try and guess what DVDs I'm talking about here:


In a bleak future where most of the world's population has been killed off by disease, a middle-aged man who has never known the touch of a woman finds himself lusting after a teenage girl. He tries everything to impress her. He tries to fly to the moon and fails...He tells the same dirty joke over and over...He rids the city of crime...He overcomes his psychosis and excels in mathematics...He hunts replicants...He spends a night in Vienna with her, followed by an afternoon in Paris...He makes a movie with her in it without her knowledge...He frees Scotland and wins a poker tournament, but to no avail. Then he finds out why: She's a lesbian.

Perfect. Not only are all women infertile, but the one woman he wants isn't attracted to him. He considers quitting his dead-end job at a convenience store to go work at that fast-food place, but only winds up right where he started. He writes a play that the government shuts down due to its pro-union message. This only fuels his deep-seeded racist feelings, especially towards the aliens who control the city. Sure, they landed here promising peace, but it only increased tensions between the police and the Irish mafia. Just when he's considering giving up on God, God calls on him to prevent a couple of angels from undoing existence as we know it. He shares his experiences with college students in a series of lectures, and it winds up being one long rant against the Bush administration.

Then he teams up with a perfect being and forms an underground boxing club determined to find the Holy Grail, which can only be obtained by winning a series of bloodsport battles in Rome. This, of course, brings us to the Italian mob, and all the history that brings with it. Meanwhile, a group of kids seek out the treasure of a wrongly condemned man with healing powers who owns a record store. They battle a shark, then they get sucked into the L.A. lifestyle with hilarious results. But soon they hear the call of Mordor, where they meet a scientist looking to accomplish the first brain transplant, but it turns out the guy has a memory disorder and can't remember that he's a folk singer on the run from the law for a crime he hasn't committed yet.

Their only hope for success lie in a bunch of monsters and animal puppets who think they're superheroes. They knock over a casino, then an art museum. They battle pirates, magicians, and more mobsters, as well as a group of washed-up geniuses/WWII veterans/serial killers who can only get off on videotaped confessions filmed in black and white with film noir style dialogue, talking about chopping off the heads of foul-mouthed Canadians.

Unexpectedly, our hero gets bitten by a radioactive spider, and sets off to fulfill the prophecy and defeat the Galactic Empire before midnight on New Year's Eve, or else a meglomaniacal bald guy will flood the earth creating a new continent. The only thing standing in his way now are terrorists, robots from the future, British secret agents, and a wacky group of characters trying to make deep, post-modern reflections on our society. Could this all be a dream? Or is the writer just too proud to admit he's blocked?