When Kerouac hits a little close to home

Every once and a while, I look through the "missed connections" section of Craigslist. Not that I ever expect to see anything about myself, but it's fun to see what people post on there. People who think they found their soul mate in line at Carl's Jr. and are lamenting being too much of a chickenshit to say anything at the time, or some guy apologizing to the guy at the rest stop who was actually there to use the restroom but wish he could've rocked their world instead, or something like this:

"hey Charley I'm pregnant and living on 3rd street right above a dirty bookstore off Elgin avenue. And I stopped taking dope, and I quit drinking whiskey and my old man plays the trombone and works out at the track.

He says that he loves me, even though it’s not his baby. He says that he'll raise him up like he would his own son and he gave me a ring that was worn by his mother and he takes me out dancing every Saturday nite.

And hey Charley I think about you every time I pass a fillin' station on account of all the grease you used to wear in your hair. and I still have that record of little Anthony & the imperials, but someone stole my record player. how do you like that?

hey Charley I almost went crazy after Mario got busted so I went back to Omaha to live with my folks but everyone I used to know was either dead or in prison so I came back in to Tulsa this time I think I'm gonna stay.

Hey Charley I think I'm happy for the first time since my accident. And I wish I had all the money that we used to spend on dope. I'd buy me a used car lot and I wouldn't sell any of em. I'd just drive a different car every day dependin' on how I feel.

Hey Charley, for chrissakes, do you want to know the truth of it? I don't have a husband and he don't play the trombone. And I need to borrow money to pay this lawyer and Charley, hey I'll be eligible for parole come Valentines Day."


It's also important to note the location given on the post was the Tulsa County Jail, and the pics attached to the post were of a man shooting smack into a naked woman's arm and one of a shirtless man holding a gun.

Does Charley have internet access in jail? What is the significance of the trombone? A used car lot?!? Aim high, sister! She's detoxing, pregnant, living above a porn shop with a musician she doesn't love as much as this mysterious Charley, in debt to a lawyer and facing jail time, apparently. However, I do like the hopefulness she has about being out in time for Valentine's Day. Is the same true for poor Charley? We may never know.

This kind of shit makes even my own most tortured romance feel like a fairy-tale ending. On the other hand, I have a feeling this message is one really long secret agent code. By re-posting it means I'll be getting a message from a foreign operative telling me, "Plant your bulbs early. The red dog requires a yellow umbrella."


UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that the whole post on Craigslist was a slightly altered set of lyrics from an old Tom Waits tune. Damn! I thought I found a real gem of weirdness on the internet, and instead, I found a knock-off. Still, you gotta wonder what kind of person is touched so much by those words that they just HAVE to post it on Craigslist. You know, aside from making a square like me look like an idiot.