Introspection alert level: yellow

Yesterday's little sphincter-pucker turned into a whole day of visits from the ghost of relationships past. Everything is okay now, any and all serious problems has been taken care of. However, the emotions it has brought to light, for me, is here and I have to deal with them.

Remember all of those montages they do on America's Funniest Home Videos of guys getting hit in the balls? Well, stretch all those out over the course of a day, without the laugh tracks, and superimpose my face on everyone in those clips...the hitters and the hittees alike. That's how my day was yesterday. One long flashback sequence of me being hurt, me doing the hurting, and everytime being unable to avoid any of it.

Why should this have any bearing on how I conduct myself today? After all, I'm not in a relationship right now for this to have an impact on. Everything that happened yesterday has worked itself out. Things should be back to normal, right? Well, half yes and half no.

My wish at this moment is that the end justified the means. I'm fuctioning quite well being single right now, but I wouldn't have been in this position if I hadn't had so many of these bad situations cause me to want to have nothing to do with it for a while. And while the events of yesterday have given me the kick in the ass I needed to finally realize what I did wrong all this time, it has also shed new light on those events, namely the extra blame that should've been placed on me this whole time. I've been bullshitting myself into thinking that I've just been unlucky this whole time, but instead, I've been bringing this bad luck on myself.

The trick now is to change my luck. However, I've always been a horrible gambler, and when the chips are down, I've always looked for the nearest ATM. That all changes now. I'm only willing to gamble what I know I can not live without if I lose. No more going all in in the hope that it'll double my money, only to find myself fishing coins out of the fountain for cab fare home.