Bad life lessons from video games I had to learn the hard way

When strapped for cash, don't jump on a turtle.

Just touching a door with a key does not magically open it.

When a powerful warlord from the tenth level of hell challenges you to a fight, it's not a best two out of three situation.

Eating a flower does not grant you the power to shoot fireballs. Likewise, holding a feather does not turn you into a flying raccoon.

Gobbling floating keys, cherries or pretzels are not a good idea.

Ostriches are not a good mode of air transport, or on the ground for that matter.

When firing a plasma gun that's as big as you are, beware of the recoil.

You walk around the forest wielding a sword and dressed in green tights, and the townsfolk will never let you live it down.

Dry-clicking your gun just out of your field of vision does not reload it.

When you kill a ninja, their bodies don't disappear.

If giant blocks are falling from the sky, don't try to stack them.

Jumping on top of an alligator's head is never a good idea, whether mouth is open or not.

A broken rung on a ladder doesn't mean it's impossible to climb.

It's advisable to always run away from the giant gorilla throwing barrels at you, not towards it.

If you save a princess, odds are she's just gonna find herself in peril again someday.

Jumping on a series of cubes stacked in a pyramid does not change their colors.

German historical sites are not good places to wildly fire firearms, and Hitler was not brought back as a cyborg.

Even if you are able to launch yourself a quarter mile on a skateboard, the landing is never what a reasonable man would consider smooth.

With many of today's advances in medical technology, one can go anywhere they want in a covered wagon, and never run the risk of dying of dysentery.

Playing tennis with a large, rectangular block is harder than it looks.

Buying all your necessary items with gold coins is really impractical.

When carrying around a fairy on a jar, remember to poke holes in the top. They can't save your life if they're dead.

Depending on the source, green potion is not a good chaser for red potion.

Centipedes and aliens tend to move in all directions, not down, reverse direction, down, reverse direction, etc.

Alien overlords respond better to diplomacy than a positron blaster.

Giant bullets travel much faster in real life.

Hedgehogs don't travel any faster rolled up in a ball.

You won't get very far in life playing the drums, the bongos or dancing exactly like you've been told to.

You're more likely to be injured or killed in combat if you keep stopping to recite "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Select, Start."