Hello NyQuil, my old friend

I am officially sick for the first and-God willing-only time this season. I just took a big shot of my private reserve, pre-pseudoephedrine-regulation-laws red-cherry-death-flavored NyQuil, and I'm waiting for it to work its warm, fuzzy magic. Soon, I'll be in bed, wrapped up in my blankets like a burrito and dreaming myself some tremulous dreams.

It all makes me think about all those people who throughout history has ruined it for the rest of us. Because someone put a razor blade in a candy apple at Halloween, we're all left with pre-packaged candy. Because this one horny, diseased guy hopped a flight out of Haiti back in the seventies, sex now carries the risk of slow death. Because someone spiked Tylenol with cyanide, we have safety seals and childproof caps that are impossible to open in the midst of a monster tension headache. And today, because of the meth addicts, NyQuil no longer has the ingredient that gave it all of its wonderful power.

I lucked out and found a three pack of the good stuff before it got pulled from the shelves a couple years ago. I just cracked open the second bottle in the pack. I'm awfully protective of my stash of this stuff. I'm not even sure I'd offer it to a friend in need...even if they looked like an extra from Dawn of the Dead. It's mine, and anyone looking to take it away from me might have a Road Warrior style fight on their hands. It's mine! My precious!

This is America! I should be able to get the good shit when I need it, God dammit! If a bunch of meth addicts want to use it to get their fix and potentially blow themselves up in the process of cooking it up, so fucking be it! Just because our leadership has problems with the teachings of Charles Darwin doesn't mean he was wrong about the whole survival of the fittest stuff! Why punish the rest of us who might actually be sick and need to be able to sleep through it like a hibernating bear? Why else do you think I keep this thick layer of body fat at all times?

Of course, I may feel different about all this if I wasn't feeling so sick at the moment. But, you gotta understand that NyQuil should always remain the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I wake up on my kitchen floor? medicine. We sick consumers shouldn't have to compromise because of a few misguided tweakers.

Last year, while at my parent's house for the holidays, I was feeling pretty sick. I took some of the newer , weaker NyQuil. After two hours of tossing and turning, I had to chase it with a Tylenol PM, just so I could get some fucking sleep. And to top things off, I felt like shit in the morning. I actually reached a point where I was willing to skip the holidays with my family and drive the four hours back to Tulsa just to get some of the good stuff in my medicine cabinet.

Note to Vicks: Please package the new NyQuil with a huge, cartoon-style mallet with instructions to keep hitting our heads until the tweety birds appear.

I could go on, but this stuff is starting to kick in, and a seven foot tall Care Bear is critiquing my grammar. I keep trying to shoot fireballs at him, but the bastard won't let up with his constant nagging. Plus, the unicorn on my shoulder is requesting music I don't feel like listening to...and the wombat in the corner keeps staring at me and it's really starting to freak me out. A bright beam of light is illuminating the way to my bed. And now, it's sleepy burrito time.

See you on the other side, folks!