And the winners are...

I would go on and on about how the oscars - as a show - sucked out loud, but instead, I'd like to just go over the winners. And away, we go:


Best Visual Effects: Pirates of the Caribean: Dead Man's Chest

Secretly, I was rooting for Superman Returns. I hated the fact that Pirates overshadowed Superman at the box office, and yet again it stole the thunder from the Man of Steel.


Best Make-up: Pan's Labrynth

I can certainly understand why it beat out Apocalypto...The Mayans in Apocalypto, with the piercings and colorful makeup, looked no different than most of the people cruizing down the Sunset Strip on any given night. The big question is, what the fuck was Click being nominated for? Is there an Academy rule that Best Makeup must have at lest one fat suit contender? Mark my words, Norbit will be nominated.


Best Costume Design: Marie Antoinette

What better way to tell the French to fuck off than grant an award to a movie that badly depicts the life of one of their greatest historical figures, was directed by an Italian-American, and sparked the longest booing session in the history of the Cannes Film Festival?


Best Animated Short: The Danish Poet

Up yours, Pixar! This one's 2-D, crudely drawn, and downright spanked your ass!


Best Live-Action Short: West Bank Story

A musical, dancing street fight between Jews and Palestinians and their rival falaffel stands. Somewhere, Mel Brooks is laughing his ass off.


Best Animated Feature Film: Happy Feet

Sorry again, Pixar. Next time you wanna go for the Oscar gold, don't hire Larry the Cable Guy.


Best Cinematography: Pan's Labrynth

I haven't seen Pan's Labrynth yet, and I'm kicking myself. However, I gotta say that Children of Men got absolutely robbed at the Oscars, particularly in this category. I mean, there are films schools that are still trying to figure out how the hell they shot half of that movie. There is a 360° pan shot...INSIDE A CAR...A COMPACT CAR...WITH FIVE PEOPLE IN IT!!! There's also a ten minute battle sequence done in ONE CONTINUOUS SHOT! NO CUTS WHATSOEVER! Am I the only one who actually watched that entire movie?!? Why doesn't anyone recognize how great a movie it was...even from a technical standpoint?


Best Editing: The Departed

Well, no surprise that Children of Men lost here. C'mon...how hard is it to edit a movie with shots lasting 5-10 minutes a piece? I am surprised that United 93 didn't get it. In this age of contant jump-cuts (thanks for the seizures, Michael Bay), that was the only story I feel required that kind of editing, and really nailed the what-the-fuck? frantic pace of that event in our history.


Best Adapted Screenplay: The Departed

Proof that some of the best shit comes out of Hong Kong.


Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine

According to the little factiod they gave as the winner made it the podium, the wirter had to quit his job as Matthew Broderick's assistant to finish the script. Yeah, Ferris Beuller having to fetch his own coffee was a small price to pay to get this great little movie. Bravo!


Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine

Perfect choice in so many ways, but most importantly because we really shouldn't live in a world where the phrase "Academy Award Winner Eddie Murphy" ever exists.


Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

Was anyone else waiting for her acceptance speech to include, "Go screw yourself, Simon Cowell."?


Best Documentary Feature/Best Song: An Inconvenient Truth

Because nothing pisses off the neocons more than two Oscars for Al Gore's movie than the fact that one of them was given to a lesbian who thanked her wife first in her acceptance speech.


Best Actor: Forrest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Is it just me, or is Fast Times at Ridgemont High quickly becoming the the movie with the most future Oscar winners & nominees in it? Could Judge Reinhold possibly be next?


Best Actress: Helen Mirren, The Queen

She played both Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II in one year, and won top honors for both. I don't mean this sarcastically, but what a range that woman has!


Best Director/Best Picture: Martin Scorsese, The Departed

I've been waiting years to paraphrase King Missile like this: HE MADE THE BEST FUCKING FILM! HE MADE THE BEST FUCKING FILM! IF I EVER MEET HIM I'M GONNA GRAB HIS FUCKING NECK AND JUST SHAKE HIM AND SAY THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR MAKING SUCH AN EXCELLENT FUCKING MOVIE!