A day in the life of Chuckles, my cat

7:00 a.m. - I wake up on back of sofa.

7:05 a.m. - Went to the litterbox. Notice some grains of litter outside of box. Spend five minutes sweeping it back under the box with my paw.

7:15 a.m. - No 9-Lives Tuna & Shimp in my bowl. This happens every fucking morning when I wake up. Begin meowing loudly to announce my displeasure to the foodgiver.

7:30 a.m. - Foodgiver finally gets his ass out of bed. Lazy son of a bitch. I get my food and wolf it down in fifteen seconds. Not a personal best, but still pretty damned good.

7:45 a.m. - Sharpen claws on arm of computer chair. Get belly rub from the foodgiver on his way out the door.

9:00 a.m. - Wake up from nap and take a bath. I wind up licking the same spot on my side for fifteen minutes before giving up. Run to the living room for no reason whatsoever.

10:00 a.m. - Open up foodgiver's laptop and log on to check my investments. Really took a beating in the NASDAQ yesterday. I'm hoping it'll rebound soon because as soon as I get a good enough return, I'm soooo fucking outta here.

12:15 p.m. - Foodgiver comes home to fix himself some lunch. I try to remind him that the gas bill is due today, but he misunderstands me and waves that damned stuffed monkey in my face yet again. What an idiot.

2:00 p.m. - I've been staring out the window for a while now when that slutty stray cat comes around again. Sally? is that her name? I can never remember. Anyway, she's apparently in heat again. She's had, like, fifteen litters so far? As if I need that kind of baby-daddy drama in my life! I just don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not interested...and neutered.

3:23 p.m. - That throw pillow on the couch is mocking me again, so I shred the living shit out of it. I just know the foodgiver's gonna yell at me for doing that, but that polyester-filled bastard started it!

4:00 p.m. - Damn good episode of Oprah.

5:25 p.m. - Foodgiver comes home and calls out for me. I was so pissed that he woke me up from a really sound sleep in the bathroom sink that I was about to take a huge dump on his bed just to spite him. But, he scratched me behind the ears, so I guess that makes it all okay.

6:00 p.m. - Foodgiver scoops me a bowlful of dry food. He doesn't give me the normal amount...probably to punish me for the throw pillow incident. Gee, I sure hope he gets a different flavor of dry food next time. This urinary tract health formula has the worst aftertaste.

6:35 p.m - Back in the computer chair. I swear, no matter what i do, these claws just never get sharp enough!

7:30 p.m. - It's hard enough to use the litterbox when the foodgiver's in the room with me, but seriously, does he have to call me a "good boy"as well?!?

8:30 p.m. - The foodgiver's taking up the whole sofa again. He does this every fucking time I want to sit there. So, to prove a point, I jump in his lap and chew the fur on my ass for twenty minutes. The message is lost.

8:50 p.m. - I fight the foodgiver for control of the remote. I know he wants to watch Lost, but I want to watch the History Channel HD En Espanol. He thinks I'm just playing around and hitting buttons at random, but let's see him try typing in 184 on that remote with a fat paw like mine.

10:00 p.m. - Had planned to watch the Daily Show with the foodgiver, but that piece of string in the dining room needed to be taught a lesson. Good thing I set the DVR to record it. I'll watch it sometime tomorrow.

11:00 p.m. - Foodgiver goes to bed. Finally, some time alone to practice my meowing.

12:00 p.m. - Crawl into bed with the foodgiver for warmth. Christ, would it kill him to turn up the heat a little bit when he goes to bed? I'm fucking freezing in the living room. It takes me a little while to find a spot on the bed where the foodgiver can't kick me with his constant tossing and turning, but when I do, I fall right asleep and have a really weird dream about being chased by giant stuffed monkeys.