Redefining

Now that the smoke has cleared a bit from the big project at work, I've had a flood of intropection hit me, as if I need to make up for lost time on that front.

In regards to my no-dating vow, which is now in its tenth month, I've come up with a re-reasoning for my choice...an complete alteration of my motivation, and this realization is bitter as hell. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Everything bad that has happened to me in my past relationships is now officially my fault. I accept full responsibility for letting these things happen to me in the first place. In some cases, I should've fought harder. In some cases, I should've walked away before I got shown the door. And in other cases, I should've known better than to get involved in the first place.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda, DIDN'T. I got to live with that. And I'm not just fixating soley on the negative. I'm simply accepting responsibility for them and saying I'm ready to move on from them. I consider myself fortunate that the good times I've shared in the past I've been openly thankful to those I've shared them with, just in case some ex-girlfriends happen to be reading this.

The main recurring theme in my relationships over the past few years has been the friendship thing. In a way I've been blessed that I've been able to be good friends with the women I've loved and come close to loving in the past. On the flip side, I've worn that on my sleeve without any thought to the consequences.

I'm not saying that the following is true, but it feels pretty true at this point in my life. I may feel differently tomorrow.

I made the decision to be open with every woman I've dated that several of my friends are women I've dated in the past. The only alternative was to let that information come out later and create a rift. However, my openness may have subliminal message that whatever happens, at least a friendship could be salvaged. It didn't eliminate any and all doubt in the relationship, and might have absolved them of much of the guilt in the breakup. Enough time has passed in any case that this argument is now a moot point. Nevertheless, I let it all happen.

I've now seen all of these women move on and are now with guys that are much better matches...taking whatever they might have gained in their time with me and applying it someplace else leaving me as a friend, making me sorta like the Junior College of relationships. Credits are easily tranferrable, and their always welcome back for alumni mixers.

I, on the other hand, have been following the same cycle to some extent. Considering the idea that it's all a matter of keeping the same standards all this time, I found myself drawing a blank on what those standards might be. I guess my needs were to have something simple and uncomplicated. In that respect, I had that in my last serious relationship, and guess how that ended? Simple and uncomplicated.

At the time I took the vow to not date, it was to find out more about myself. To be honest, it's been a lot like driving the same car for a really long time and only now looking under the hood. Sure, it still runs, but there's a lot of work that needs to be done to it.

I warned you that this would sound bitter, but don't worry. I'm not fastening a noose and wishing I had a taller ceiling or anything like that. What I'm saying in this diatribe is simply a "I've got good news and bad news" type of situation. You always get the bad stuff out of the way first.

As for the good news, I'm still working on that. Suffice to say that I'm gonna continue my pledge not to date until I've got it everything under the hood back in working order...or in the off chance that I find someone who makes me want to stop thinking like this. Whichever comes first.