Monday Night Caption Contest

Ohhhhhhh, it's beginning to look a lot like caption contest time! Post you captions to this picture in the comments section below. Hit me with your best shot. Fire away.

I've got two this week:

1. Note to Washington: Please don't do anything to piss off China. This is what their soldiers have to do instead of "Drop and give me twenty!".

2. China's censorship of the internet is getting really out of hand. If you Google the word "masonry", this is what you get...not the picture, they actually force you to bust bricks over your own head.


Last week's winner was One Charmed Motherfucker, back in true form with the caption: "Wow. Yeah, you're right - I AM glad I looked at that before you flushed it. ...Jesus."

He also gets major bonus points for the best written dramatic pause EVER! ...Jesus.


UPDATE: One Charmed Motherfucker has protested his win, and I do agree with him to some degree. Anonymous' caption: "Yes...my latest work. I call it...Tulsa Radio." was really good, but it was the "...Jesus" part that OCM's caption won it in my opinion. The decision stands.

In the spirit of democracy, I'll allow voting to take place in the future. So far, I've been the deciding vote, but if you like one in particular, let me know by emailing me at randomthoughtpatterns@yahoo.com .

Oh, and no voting for yourself. Thanks.

More bitching about my apartment

One thing I forgot to mention in my post about Yahoo Answers, and something that has strengthened my addiction to it is that it has a point system. 2 for answering, -5 for asking, 10 for being voted the best answer, etc. I have reached level 2 (out of 7) in just three days. I've walked away just long enough to sleep, clean my apartment and get some work done.

My upstairs neighbors are moving out today, and while I'm kinda glad I can be as noisy as possible and not bother anyone...not that I would, but it's nice to know that I can...I'm kinda sad to see them go. They were good people. And, as I found out, they've been having the same problems with our landlord as I have...and then some. They've lived here a whole two days longer than I have, and now I consider myself lucky, because at least I have a working stove and a working gas heater...they haven't this whole time.

It saddens me that this place hasn't been kept up to its full potential. If the landlords only put a little money towards new appliances, better insulating doors and windows, and a little remodeling, this place could be great! The downside to that is they couldn't justify $300 a month after that.

I went in Friday afternnon to pay my rent and bring up a couple issues. First of all, the empty apartment next to me has had it's door unlocked for a while now, and from what I can tell by going in there, I think a couple bums have squatted (in all senses of the term) there. The second was the fact that my place doesn't have a smoke detector. Yet again, I need to buy it myself and they'll take it off my next month's rent.

Seeing as I can't afford to move just yet, I'm not ready to rock the boat and risk getting evicted, which is why I haven't mentioned them by name as of yet. However, if the situation arises, I've already got enough ammo for the housing department to get an investigation started.

If my credit was good enough, what I'd love to see happen is the Housing Department come down hard on the landlord, and I would offer to buy the place myself and fix it up. I'd put in some more modern amenities (I was lucky to have a cable outlet in this place)...like dishwashers, maybe a small washer/dryer, heaters and air-conditioners that are less than forty years old, etc. I see soooo much potential in this place, and it's just a slum right now.

I can dream, I guess.

The Pick of Destiny

I just got home a little while ago from seeing Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny. It was a great little flick. I was laughing the whole way through, even gasping for air at times because I was laughing so hard.

How can I describe it? If you know nothing about Tenacious D going into it, you might not get it. If you know about them but aren't big fans, you'll probably be checking your watch several times. If you like them, you're gonna have a blast.

Hollywood should really take note when it comes to this movie. If you're gonna fill the multiplexes with brainless humor, this is how you should do it. There's nothing award winning about this film. it has just as much crude humor and foul language as any other "comedy" they put out nowadays. But what sets the Pick of Destiny apart is that when they have a fart joke, they don't have that moment afterwards that says "This was a fart joke, isn't that funny?" There's a a certain level of sophistication to this movie in that they don't pause for laughter (Wayans Brothers, take note), they don't use elaborate setups for lame-ass jokes (jot that down, Mike Myers) and when they go to a new level of absurdity it doesn't feel completely out of place (I'm looking at you, Will Ferrell).

Also, it's a movie mad for stoners, by stoners, but also seemed to have a couple drafts done on the script without the use of THC so that the straights might get a few laughs. Leaving the theater, I felt like I should see it once more, but completely stoned out of my gourd, just to test my theory.

My advice, watch School of Rock before seeing this, and This is Spinal Tap immediately afterwards. One movie to avoid even thinking about before or after this movie is Cradle Will Rock. For those of you playing at home, Jack Black and Kyle Gass were in that movie together, and it wasn't anywhere close to Tenacious D.

I am a sworn Brother of the Brush

After some prodding by my friend Tony, I have entered the Brothers of the Brush Beard Growing Contest sponsored by the Circle Cinema. I will be letting my beard grow until February 1, 2007. Knowing my folicalogical agility, I'll be lucky to go home with the Nice Try, Ethan Hawke award.

It's just dumb luck that the start of this contest fell on the coldest fucking night of the year. Let me take you back two months to the moment that I last bought aftershave, when I read the label and uttered to myself, "Hmmm...cooling sensation...I'll buy that!"

This should be an interesting experience. I'm gonna just let it grow and not do any edging until right before the judging. Three months of untouched beard growth from a guy who takes three days to get a five o'clock shadow.

My new addiction

Yahoo Questions. It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen on the web. If you go there, go directly to the singles and dating section.

It is a fascinating overview of just how fucked up some people in our society really are. Really, it's difficult to figure out how many of these people are for real. I'll give you an example:

Manny W Asks:

I feel I may have done big mistake with girlfriend. How can I get her to talk to me again?

I have been dating a nice girl for almost 2 months now. We get along fine but we have not made love yet. This makes me both hurt and mad. I take great offense to this. We will sleep in same bed sometimes but never do anything. She keeps saying to wait. Wait, wait,wait!!
I can't keep waiting. I got so mad last night that I shot my sperm in her face and hair while she was sleeping. She woke up and was really upset. I tried to calm her down but she kicked me out. How can I apologize for doing this when she won't answer the phone or return my messages?

First of all, is it any wonder why the Board of Education no longer calls it grammar school anymore? When you go through these questions, you'll be surprised how quickly you get accustomed to bad spelling, grammar, and most importantly everything made plural with Z's instead of S's. It's like everyone there had their questions and answers dictated by a fifteen-year-old-girl sending it in via text message.

Secondly, who says romance is dead?

Lastly, isn't it great to know that we live in a country where a guy can jerk off in his girlfriend's face out of frustration over her unwillingness to sleep with him, and still hold some shred of hope that she'll forgive him?


Not only can you find questions like this all over the place, but you get to answer them! Wanna know what I wrote to this doorknob?

"So, let me get this straight, out of frustration over her unwillingness to have sex with you, you jerk off in her face while she's sleeping. And now, you're wondering how to make this up to her?

You're lucky to not be charged with sexual assault, or at the very least, a restraining order! Maybe she didn't want to make love because she didn't feel 100% safe to share that part of her life with you, and sad to say, the next guy that comes into her life is gonna have to help her overcome not only that, but also the fear of waking up with sperm in her face!

It's over. Next time, try respecting a woman's wishes, and for God's sake, have a little self-control."

Over the past few weeks, I've been re-reading some of my earlier posts and I've gotten a great sense of perspective out of it. Now, I'm gonna go on this site and post questions about my past problems; questions I already know that answers to, but I wanna see what kind of feedback I get from these kind of people...people like:

1. The girl that saw a guy jerking off in his car (and thought he was cute), and was wondering if not letting him know she was watching was a wise decision.

2. Several guys bitching about all their white women going out with "black guyz".

3. Although it wasn't in the singles & dating category, the guy wanting to know how to make a toothpick out of a deer leg.

4. The guy wanting to know if anyone has a passcode to Bangbros (NSFW) he could borrow.

5. The teenage girl desperate to know how to tell the lesbian recruiters at her school to back off.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

Do you have any idea what the street value of this city is?

This kinda sucks. There's at least 8 inches of snow outside and there's no real signs of it stopping before the morning. The good news is that the ice and snow has built up around the edges of the windows and is keeping any drafts from coming in. Going to Arnie's tonight might be a wash.

Surprisingly, I managed to get to work on time going 10 MPH on the surface roads. Around 11:00, my boss started sending people home. I didn't have too much to do anyway, so I took whatever work i had to do and took it home with me. I worked on it while catching up on the shows I missed last night.

For the past few days, Chuckles has been a bit stir crazy. He's been hanging around by the front door whining to be let outside. Today was no exception. So, I left the door open long enough for him to see a chance to escape. He enthusiastically lept out the front door onto the snow and ice just outside my door, looked around, uttered what I can only imagine is cat-ese for "Fuck this!", then lept back inside and laid down in front of the heater. Cats, non-stop entertainment.

Now, I'm a bit keyed up. I don't wanna go outside, but I'm running out of stuff to do around here. The three hot chocolates I've had hasn't helped either.

Unrelated tidbits

A guy in Amsterdam recently aimed to set a world's record for the largest joint...And who says stoners have no initiative?

The 16-year-old actress playing the Virgin Mary in the upcoming movie The Nativity Story has announced that she's pregnant out of wedlock.

I could've been a millionaire if someone hadn't stolen my idea for the Turducken. Alhough, to be fair, my idea was called the Elebeefostporturduckenailakeet. It the same principal, but instead it was layers of Elephant, side of beef, ostrich, suckling pig, turkey, duck, chicken, quail, parakeet. I ran into three problems: A) elephant anti-poaching laws, B) Lacking the strength to debone the larger animals and the precision to debone the smaller ones, and C) the average consumer doesn't have the oven space. If only I had pared down the idea, I'd be rich.

Supposedly, Kid Rock has broken up with Pam Anderson over her appearance in the movie Borat. Read that again.

Today, the temperature dropped twenty degrees and went from sunny to stormy in about thirty minutes. Who opened the seventh seal?

Beware of Pump #1 at the QuikTrip at 11th and Utica. The shutoff trigger is broken on the nozzle, and my tank overflowed...onto my shoes.

I found a cause that may not go over very well in the Midwest: Global Orgasm Day. December 22nd.

There's a old textbook from the fifties on my shelf titled Writing Good Sentences. Shouldn't that be Writing Sentences Well?

If Camel Cigarettes are a Turkish tobacco blend, why do they have an Egyptian pyramid on the package?

So much for opening with a joke...

One of my guilty pleasures in life is a moderately recent invention: The Myspace Survey. I don't know who starts these things, but it's an interesting study into the minds of not only the people filling out the survey, but also the anonymous writer of the questions. My philosophy: What better way to sharpen your sarcasm skills than to tackle absurd questions from a total stranger?

Tonight, it kinda backfired on me. So far, I've gotten two messages in the past hour about my answer to question #7: Have you ever been raped?

Considering that the other 49 questions ranged from threesomes to streaking to porn shops to getting "road head", this one question takes a sharp turn into dangerous territory. My approach was simple: An absurd question deserves an absurd answer...in this case, these eight words seemed to spark some controversy: "No, my parents never took me to church."

It wasn't the first time I've deflected a sensitive subject with crude humor, and certainly wasn't the first time I've resorted to clergy molestation humor. But the complaints were directed at the subject of rape itself, as if I put the damned question on the survey. There is not a single casual or basic clinical situation that this question would be in the top fifty, much less seventh. Seriously, this isn't even a question you get asked until at least the third psychotherapy session.

True, I could've just answered with a simple "no", but I went with a joke. And considering my response to question #34, asking if I've ever been offended by bad personal hygeine "down there" and I used the analogy of a skunk getting a perm, what did I get for that? Nothing.

My point is this: Anything remotely offensive that comes out of my head is strictly to hold a mirror up to the situation and show how idiotic it truly is. I'm reminded of encountering a black guy when I was younger who announced his hatred of white people because of slavery. I told him that in the days of slavery my people were back in Germany and they left there years later because a certain someone was telling them that a different race was inferior to their own...and that if he was gonna hate me, then he should have a better reason than that. If it wasn't for my abnormally quick reflexes at the time, I managed to run away before he pummeled me to a bloody pulp.

...ahhh...I see their point. Next time, I'll go with the easy answer.

Death of a Digital Camera

Two years and four months ago, I bought myself a little early birthday present: A Sony Cybershot Digital Camera. In that time, I have taken over 3,000 shots (only about 1,800 worth keeping). I've photographed everything from the obligatory shot of my own feet, to shots I've used in my work, to drunken shots of my friends in various - albeit goofy and goodnatured - stages of undress, to templates for digital illustrations I use as Christmas presents to my family to show them what I do with my college education...and my Wacom tablet.

It's been a good friend to me...but unfortunately, after a long illness that has heretofore been remedied by percussive maintenance, the Cybershot has gone to that great junk drawer in the sky. It is survived by two 128 MB Memory Sticks, a USB cable and an instruction manual.

In rememberance of the plucky little camera that could, I present to you the final photograph I was able to upload before the preview screen went dark. This photo was the result of a bored Sunday afternoon watching Ferris Beuller's Day Off on cable.

No funeral service will be held, but donations will be received on the camera's behalf. Proceeds will go towards a better, more professional grade camera. Please email me for further details.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Okay, I know that this is usually a Wednesday night thing, but I'm moving it to Mondays because I figure this is a good way to start off the week. Post your captions in the comments section below.

Here's my caption for the week:

"Now, this model I think will be right up your alley. It's got a built-in air freshener, skidmark protection, automatic courtesy flush feature and supersonic suction. Here, watch what it'll do to this pound of ravioli..."


The winner of the last caption contest was Anonymous with the caption: "Pedro had a dream of a better life in America, but he wasn't gonna do it without his prize bull Benicio."