500 bucks...sensing a pattern, here

Today, we had a client come by to dispute an invoice for a $500 deposit on some stationery. It was a hand-written invoice, and not in the handwriting of anyone who worked for our company. It turns out that the guy we've been working with on some business cards forged a photocopy of one of our invoices to scam the money from his boss. The business cards were up next on the press, so i had time to run a fresh plate with that guy's card deleted from the order. All this happened within thirty minutes.

Speaking of $500, my old landlord is stonewalling me on the security deposit. Unless I can provide him with a signed receipt that I paid the money, he's not refunding the money. More details have come to light, though. The office manager that stole all of the money from him, the lady I paid my deposit to, had not logged in any cash transactions to anyone's record. She just pocketed the money...to the tune of $15,000 over four months. She apparently even took this one out-of-town couple's money for a security deposit, kept it, and rented out the same property to someone else while they were moving their stuff from Arkansas. The trouble I'm really having now is that the landlord isn't even willing to provide me with any information about this woman to try to file charges against her.

So tomorrow, I start making phone calls. I no longer care about the money, so long as he has to pay somebody. I will be satisified if he has to pay out at least the amount he owes me. I will be happier if it cripples his shitty little business. I will be elated if he rues the day he ever said, "Hey, I'm thinking of getting myself some rental property."

Fingers crossed.

Monday Night Caption Contest...belated

I know...I'm a day late. Long story. Here's this week's pic. Post your caption in the comment section below

Here are mine for the week:

1. As if I needed another reason to avoid going to the gym.

2. Thank God the photographer cropped out the fat guy in the corner doing squat thrusts.



There's still time for last week's contest. As of this moment, there are ZERO captions entered. C'mon, people! Give me hope that the caption contest will continue!


The winner of February 19's caption contest is Aliceson with the caption "But the ladies wanted ICED donuts, officers!" Way to go, my friend!

My goals out of life

I'm currently sitting at my computer, chain-smoking while the Departed is playing in the living room. I justr got through writing about three pages worth of ranting and raving about my current station in life. I closed the window without saving it, because I felt that it wasn't a constructive line of reasoning. I was dwelling too much on the failures in my past and how little I'm doing about it in the present.

So, to take my thought processes in a new direction, I'm making a list of rational, easily obtainable goals I will meet out of life:

- I will open my home to more people. The party last week was a really good time, and it's a shame that I've treated my home like the Fortress of Solitude for this long.

- More home-cooked meals. It's getting pretty sad that my taste in food at any given moment is based mostly on the closest drive-thru.

- Be more assertive. There's a difference between being a pacifist and being a pushover.

- Break my patterns. Do at least one thing a day out of my normal routine, and at least one thing a week that normally scares the living shit out of me.

- Shut out the world for a specific period of time on a regular basis. Turn off the phone, forget about work, and not think of anything but an afternoon in the park, a quiet meal in a nice restaurant with only a notebook for a date or simply a James Bond movie on the sofa.

- Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, and don't mess with Mr. In-between.

- Focus more on definition instead of rationalization.

- Stop procrastinating so much. If something needs to be done, DO IT!

- Whatever conflict happens in the room, stays in that room. A bad day at work stays at the office. Worrying about what bills have to get paid is not gonna cloud my mind when I'm not at home.

Wringing my hands and laughing maniacally

Operation Slumlord is moving past the planning stages. Thursday, I issued the declaration of war: A three page letter stating my case clearly, leaving no greivance unearthed, and in the end stated that he has until the end of day this coming Wednesday to pay up or I will rain down a world of shit upon his head.

It still amazes me how much trouble some people go through to avoid honoring a contract. People like my old landlord spend all that time finding loopholes in the law to avoid having to pay out a small chunk of change that when they finally get caught in their scams, they have to pay ten times as much in fines and legal costs.

With everything that's happened so far, I'm reaching the level of vitriol where I don't care if I ever get my money back, just as long as he has to pay someone else at least the same amount. The Fire Marshall, city building inspector, the IRS...anyone will do.

Yep, I'm getting screwed

Today was the day that I was supposed to finally get back my security deposit. Supposed to. Instead, I show up to his office to the following words: "Do you have a receipt for your security deposit?"

Thirty fucking days it took him to ask me that question. His old office manager sucked at keeping records...mostly to hide the trail of the money she was stealing from him. Now, he's using it an an excuse to screw me over one more time.

I have jumped through every hoop this motherfucker has thrown at me. He threatens to evict me unless I prove that I paid my first two month's rent, and I do it. He threatens to fine me $100 unless I move the items on my "balcony", and I avoid it by pointing out basic logic. His lack of off-street parking leads to my car getting totalled, and I say nothing. I slip on the ice he didn't bother to salt down, and I let it go. I even scrubbed that piece of shit apartment from top to bottom to hold up every part of my end of the bargain, and now he pulls this shit.

Up until now, I have been nice, cordial, and pleasant when I've stopped by their office to check on the progress. Today, it was a controlled explosion. I was stern, I was direct, I was angry, but I didn't flip out. I told them I had to look for my receipt. I've been going through a ton of boxes in my closet, and it looks like it probably got lost in the move. I've given up on the search, but I'm far from giving up on the fight.

Their lack of the most basic organizational skills is not my responsibility. They know I paid the deposit, they wouldn't have ever given me a key if I hadn't. The burden of proof is on them, and all of this will only reflect badly on them if this ever goes to court.

Beside, I already had to prove to them that I paid the deposit when I contested the eviction notice.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna stop by there and tell them that thirty days after the fact is too late to bring this up. I will also tell them that if I do not have my money by Friday at five, I will start making phone calls to Fair Housing, Better Business Bureau, Mayor's Action Committee, all of the local TV stations, and most importantly, an attorney.

And the winners are...

I would go on and on about how the oscars - as a show - sucked out loud, but instead, I'd like to just go over the winners. And away, we go:


Best Visual Effects: Pirates of the Caribean: Dead Man's Chest

Secretly, I was rooting for Superman Returns. I hated the fact that Pirates overshadowed Superman at the box office, and yet again it stole the thunder from the Man of Steel.


Best Make-up: Pan's Labrynth

I can certainly understand why it beat out Apocalypto...The Mayans in Apocalypto, with the piercings and colorful makeup, looked no different than most of the people cruizing down the Sunset Strip on any given night. The big question is, what the fuck was Click being nominated for? Is there an Academy rule that Best Makeup must have at lest one fat suit contender? Mark my words, Norbit will be nominated.


Best Costume Design: Marie Antoinette

What better way to tell the French to fuck off than grant an award to a movie that badly depicts the life of one of their greatest historical figures, was directed by an Italian-American, and sparked the longest booing session in the history of the Cannes Film Festival?


Best Animated Short: The Danish Poet

Up yours, Pixar! This one's 2-D, crudely drawn, and downright spanked your ass!


Best Live-Action Short: West Bank Story

A musical, dancing street fight between Jews and Palestinians and their rival falaffel stands. Somewhere, Mel Brooks is laughing his ass off.


Best Animated Feature Film: Happy Feet

Sorry again, Pixar. Next time you wanna go for the Oscar gold, don't hire Larry the Cable Guy.


Best Cinematography: Pan's Labrynth

I haven't seen Pan's Labrynth yet, and I'm kicking myself. However, I gotta say that Children of Men got absolutely robbed at the Oscars, particularly in this category. I mean, there are films schools that are still trying to figure out how the hell they shot half of that movie. There is a 360° pan shot...INSIDE A CAR...A COMPACT CAR...WITH FIVE PEOPLE IN IT!!! There's also a ten minute battle sequence done in ONE CONTINUOUS SHOT! NO CUTS WHATSOEVER! Am I the only one who actually watched that entire movie?!? Why doesn't anyone recognize how great a movie it was...even from a technical standpoint?


Best Editing: The Departed

Well, no surprise that Children of Men lost here. C'mon...how hard is it to edit a movie with shots lasting 5-10 minutes a piece? I am surprised that United 93 didn't get it. In this age of contant jump-cuts (thanks for the seizures, Michael Bay), that was the only story I feel required that kind of editing, and really nailed the what-the-fuck? frantic pace of that event in our history.


Best Adapted Screenplay: The Departed

Proof that some of the best shit comes out of Hong Kong.


Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine

According to the little factiod they gave as the winner made it the podium, the wirter had to quit his job as Matthew Broderick's assistant to finish the script. Yeah, Ferris Beuller having to fetch his own coffee was a small price to pay to get this great little movie. Bravo!


Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine

Perfect choice in so many ways, but most importantly because we really shouldn't live in a world where the phrase "Academy Award Winner Eddie Murphy" ever exists.


Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

Was anyone else waiting for her acceptance speech to include, "Go screw yourself, Simon Cowell."?


Best Documentary Feature/Best Song: An Inconvenient Truth

Because nothing pisses off the neocons more than two Oscars for Al Gore's movie than the fact that one of them was given to a lesbian who thanked her wife first in her acceptance speech.


Best Actor: Forrest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

Is it just me, or is Fast Times at Ridgemont High quickly becoming the the movie with the most future Oscar winners & nominees in it? Could Judge Reinhold possibly be next?


Best Actress: Helen Mirren, The Queen

She played both Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II in one year, and won top honors for both. I don't mean this sarcastically, but what a range that woman has!


Best Director/Best Picture: Martin Scorsese, The Departed

I've been waiting years to paraphrase King Missile like this: HE MADE THE BEST FUCKING FILM! HE MADE THE BEST FUCKING FILM! IF I EVER MEET HIM I'M GONNA GRAB HIS FUCKING NECK AND JUST SHAKE HIM AND SAY THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR MAKING SUCH AN EXCELLENT FUCKING MOVIE!

Monday Night Caption Contest

It's the Caption Contest Oscar Special! Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine for this week:

1. Three naked guys in gold paint passed out in a parking lot in West Hollywood...and who exactly is shocked by this?

2. "That settles it. We will never again go clubbing with Goldfinger."


There's still a week left to get a caption in on last week's picture. Have at it, people!


The winner of February 12th's Caption Contest is Just Another In Site (aka Sibanate) with the caption "Oh sure, I can get a sex change and everyone thinks I'm the devil, Jimmy does a mind transference with a bear and is invited to thanksgiving dinner."

A good time was had by all

I threw my first party last night. It was a rousing success in my opinion, despite the fact that quite a few of the people I expected to show up couldn't for one reason or another. Everyone had a great time, there was no drama (even though there was great potential for it), everyone dug my new place, and any and all nervousness I had playing the host was gone within the first hour.

One thing I never really took into account in throwing a party was how expensive it can be. I went out on Saturday afternoon to pick up the essentials - alcohol, snacks, toilet paper, ice, etc. - and within 45 minutes I had spent nearly $200. Granted, I went for top-shelf beer and liquor, and the new ice chest I bought ran about thirty bucks. I made the party BYOB and pot luck, which worked out really well because the snack trays and beer I bought wouldn't have lasted too long without the extra food.

And what was brought was primo shit. Cookies, cake, hummus...all homemade. Beer, wine, liquor...all from actual liquor stores and not from the QuikTrip around the corner.

I didn't have to lock Chuck in the bedroom for this. Everybody loved him, and the one person I knew that was allergic never made it to the party. Chuck did manage to sneak out a couple times but never got further than a few feet from the door before he got caught. Not like earlier in the day...

To try and de-smoke the apartment, I opened all the windows while I was cleaning up. I had a moment of panic, though. I was washing the dishes and I heard some things crash to the floor in the dining room. I went in to inspect the scene, and discovered that the dining room window didn't have a screen on it, and Chuck was no where to be found. Keep in mind, I'm on the second floor and there is no ledge outside that window. I just had a mental image of my poor cat jumping out of a window and falling twenty feet to the parking lot below.

I frantically looked around the building for him and eventually found him on a windowsill above the front door. I went back inside and opened the window in the hallway to let him in. He didn't even let me get the window open the whole way before he clwed into my shirt and the flesh underneath and held on for dear life. I tried to catch him before he had all 18 pounds of his weight supported by his claws dug into my chest.

Everyone was gone by 3:00, and I fell asleep soon afterwards.

Highlight reel

It's been one hell of a week. Busy, busy, busy. As much as I'd like to go on, as I usually do, at great length about these things...I'm just gonna give you a highlight reel:

- I'm at ten hours overtime, and I'll have a few more on Sunday.

- My boss has been on vacation all week, which has been simultaneously good and bad for my mood. Bad because I've been in a rush all day, good because the only person kicking my ass to get it all done has been me.

- I have been assured that I will be getting my security deposit back next Wednesday. Unfortunately, my old landlord has sold the building, so reporting all of his housing code offenses might be a moot point.

- There was one job that got screwed up this week, but we got it fixed in record time. To make things really weird, the client brought us cookies for getting it done so fast.

- Another job got prematurely released to go to press. The client called to get a revised proof, and it had already been printed. We gave her a press sheet as a proof, and it got approved. So, instead of screwing up, we just came off as really, really efficient.

- I'm procrasting tonight on cleaning up for the party. I'll just be in a rush tomorrow. No biggie.

- Tell me if you think this is weird: There's this one girl, and every time I look at her, I hear a different Beatles song in my head. Early in the evening, I hear I Wanna hold Your Hand, later it's Something in the Way She Moves, and I thought the night might end with Why Don't We Do It in the Road?, but it ended with Hello Goodbye. I'll know to run if I hear Dig a Pony or Happiness is a Warm Gun.

- I asked a client to put his signature on a proof, and as he was signing, he asked if he needed to put the date on it, but worded it "Do you need a date?" Without missing a beat, I told him that we should really keep our relationship professional. There was a moment there that I was sure my sarcasm may have offended a client, but he just started cracking up. Whew.

- A lady inched her car into my lane in traffic, trying to turn left into a parking lot. I wouldn't have mentioned it if it weren't for fact that she was dressed as a clown (orange wig, full make-up)...and turning into a funeral home parking lot.

- I got a call on my cell from my own medical insurance company asking me if I'd be interested in buying a policy from them. I pointed out that I already had a policy with them, which brought a long silence from the person on the other end, followed by an "Oh! Okay. Yep, we got you right here. So sorry, sir." I'm so worried what would happen if I ever have to go to the hospital.

- I feel perfectly at ease with the following statement: I really couldn't give a rat's ass about Anna Nicole Smith, or Britney Spear's baldness.

Monday Night Caption Contest

And now, a little something for the ladies. Post your captions in the comment section below.

Here are mine for the week:

1. In retrospect, masturbating in the middle of a Dunkin' Donuts was not what one would call a wise decision. Fortunate for the policemen already at the scene, the suspect never got a shot off before he was apprehended.

2. Ironically, he was arrested for shoplifting a pair of suspenders.


I've decided to make a change in the judging for the caption contest. There will still be a new picture up each week, but from now on, the winner will be announced after two weeks. That should give some of our busier (or lazier) contestants ample time to get the captions in. Last week's winner will be announced next Monday.