Apologies to my DVDs

To Firefly, The Complete Series, I'm sorry I haven't gotten passed your first disc. Hot Fuzz and Heroes: Season 1 were just demanding too much of my attention.

To Sleepy Hollow, so sorry I forgot about you those five years you were over at Mary's house. If it's any consolation, it's good to have you back.

To The Godfather Part II, I'm so sorry that the first Godfather is getting played so much more than you. But you gotta give me a little bit of a break, here. After all, you're 25 minutes longer, half of you is in Italian and I have a short attention span. You do look so impressive on the shelf, though. People have commented that they'd like to borrow you someday, but they just haven't gotten around to asking for you yet. I'll make you a deal: One day, I'll get Godfather III and it'll make you feel better, because that piece of shit wouldn't even make it out of the cellophane wrapper. At least then, you could brag about being played more than the DVD next to you.

To Sex, Lies & Videotape, I hope one day my taste for the early works of Steven Soderbergh comes back, so that I could bring myself to watch you again.

To Gladiator, sorry I let you get so scratched up. I'll try to be more careful in the future.

To 12 Monkeys, I'm sorry that I've become a different person since I first saw you. You haven't changed a bit. You've still got the great bat-shit crazy Brad Pitt moments and the great art direction. However, I have changed. I'm just never in the mood for a twisted piece of mind-fuck as I used to be. Sure, you could argue that I still watch Brazil, another Terry Gilliam film depicting a bleak future, but it at least still makes me laugh. I hate to say it, but every time I watch you, I immediately want to wash my hands for about an hour. Like I said, it's not you, it's me. Sorry.

To Road To Perdition, I can't for the life of me remember what happened to you. Did I lend you out to someone? Did I sell you at some point? Lose you in the move? Just know I often think of you and wonder where you are.

To CSI: Season 1, I'm sorry, but I'm probably not gonna be able to bring myself to watch you again, for a variety of reasons. First of all, I see your episodes all the time on Spike TV. Secondly, your show really didn't hit it's stride until season 2. Third, I bought you used at a garage sale, and a couple of your discs are scratched to the point that it's too unnerving to watch them anymore. Fourth, I pretty much bought you to complete the set. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Tell you what, I'll set you on the shelf next to Godfather II so you guys can at least have company.

To The Back To The Future Trilogy. It just didn't work out. I already had you memorized forwards and backwards, so buying you was kinda superfluous. But you gotta accept some responsibility in your departure. Your special features sucked, as did your commentary tracks, and would it have killed you to have told me somewhere on your packaging that you were full screen? I know my standards are high in that regards, but I was expecting widescreen. And don't come bitching to me about how Crash is full screen and it got to stay. First off, that DVD was given to me. Also, that movie really doesn't benefit from a wider aspect ratio because it's a dialogue-heavy drama. You're sci-fi. You should've known better.

To Batman Begins and Blade Runner, I know we've had some great times together, but as soon as those new special deluxe editions come out, you guys are outta here.

Everyone else, keep up the good work!