You'd be so dead if I wasn't this tired.

DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction; of dark, dark humor. This is not any type of manifesto or declaration of intent. Nothing to worry about here, folks.


Gee, I sure would like to murder someone, but I'm just too damn tired. I guess there's a certain balance to it all. I suffer through so many frustrations during the day that by the time I'm done, I'm too pooped to exact my revenge upon the world.

I had a great opportunity to kill that one guy in traffic this morning, but I wasn't sure if my insurance would cover the damages if it was intentional. I could've just shot the guy, but it wouldn't have worked out for two reasons: First of all, I don't have a gun. Second, traffic doesn't speed up if there are dead drivers.

Besides, there's that pesky ten-day waiting period for a gun purchase. Honestly, what are the odds that I'm still gonna be mad ten days from now? By then, I would've completely forgotten why I bought the gun in the first place. Sure, there would be other people and things that would probably demand a cap in the ass, but knowing me, it'd just sit in a drawer somewhere and never get used. It's the espresso machine incident all over again.

Of course, I could try stabbing. Buuuuuut... I don't care for the sight of blood. Besides, that shit never comes out in the wash, and my clothing budget is thin enough as it is.

Strangling? I kinda have some personal space issues, and having a guy claw all over me trying to fight for his life is just kinda... ew. That could be diminished if I strangle them from behind, like with some piano wire. However, I'd miss out on that face-to-face interaction. You know, part of the joy of strangling someone is watching that look in their eyes when their body finally goes limp. One could argue that I could angle it just right to see that look from the side of their head, but it's not just the same.

I got it! I could strangle them from behind in front of a mirror. But where am I gonna find a mirror in a situation like that? Plus, if the mirror gets broken in the struggle, that's seven years of bad luck on my head. No one needs that kind of bad juju in a desperate situation like that.

I could scratch drowning off the list. First, we have the personal space issue again. Secondly, I find water to be too calming. Get me near a lake or a swimming pool, and I'm happy! I want to dive in and play around! I'm certainly not angry enough to wanna kill a guy.

Let's face it. Poisoning is out. If you go the arsenic-type approach, it just takes too frickin' long. If you go the Drano route, it gets too messy.

Blunt force trauma? I've never been able to do more than three push-ups at one time, and I'm seriously supposed to be able to wield enough momentum with something heavy to bash someone's head in? C'mon!

I could push a guy off a cliff or a tall building, but it's too much work to lure the guy to said cliff or tall building. Plus, I couldn't really explain it away as a crime of passion, self defense or an accident because I wouldn't have a reasonable excuse for being on the cliff or the roof in the first place.

Hired assassin? Hell, no! I'm not gonna throw away good money for something I could do myself if I just put my mind to it.

And to top it all off, I'd have to figure out how to get away with it. I mean, I watch a lot of CSI:, I'm pretty smart, and I like to think I'm a fairly unassuming guy. No one would peg me for a murderer, but I'm not good under that kind of pressure. If you sat me in an interrogation room, I'd crack in a matter of seconds! What can I say? Cops intimidate me. The last time I got a speeding ticket, I handed the state trooper my whole wallet when he asked for my ID.

Besides, I'm too pretty to go to jail. I'd have "prison bitch" written on me the moment I got there. I guess I'd just be better off if I didn't kill anyone. It's more trouble than it's worth. I should just control my anger better and maybe remind the people that piss me off that I'm a lazy man, and they'd be in such a world of hurt if I just had proper motivation. But, who am I kidding, we all know I don't have that kind of motivation.