All I want for my birthday is a place to live

I'm back in town as of thirty minutes ago, and right now, I'm too pissed to go to sleep.

Last night, I got a call from Colleen & Britt, who I've had come over and feed Chuckles while I'm away. They assured me that Chuck was doing great, but there was a note attached to my door from my landlord informing me that if they don't receive the last two months rent within five days of the letter's posting (August 12, even though it showed up on my door the evening of the 15th), that I will be evicted.

Boy, nothing allows one to fully enjoy the last day of visiting the folks like a little sphincter-pucker like that tidbit of news. Anyway, I'll be dealing with this shit as soon as they open their doors tomorrow. This should be fun.

From what I can gather from the letter, my landlord has:

1) ...completely neglected that clause in my lease that warned me that the rent is officially late on the second of the month and eviction proceedings are started on the third if no rent is received.

2) ...doesn't have a legal leg to stand on because the letter is not signed, is not notorized, did not have any prior warnings (not even a fucking phone call), and claimed to be posted three days before it actually WAS.

3) ...obviously has no idea that I have the receipt stubs from the money orders (no checks allowed) I left them, proving I did pay. Now, seeing as their office hours are 1-5 monday through friday (when, gee, I'm WORKING!), I have no choice but to slide the rent through the little mail slot, which is clearly labeled AFTER HOURS PLEASE SLIDE RENT THROUGH SLOT.

4) Seeing as I can't account for what happens to the rent once it's pushed through the slot, and the fact that they are signed over to them in permanent ink, there's very little chance that any theft of my rent money is involved. And even if someone there might be skimming the till, it's not my fucking problem.

So, between having to fix the damned shower myself and this new little fiasco (sensing a pattern here), odds are I might be moving for the second time in six months. However, if I do get evicted, I'm gonna sue their asses for every dime I paid them, every dime I'm gonna have to pay for my new place, plus an added amount for pain and suffering, and I'm gonna double it for being the cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is.

Hallelujah.

Holy shit.

Where's the Tylenol?