40 Days and 40 Nights, the home game

There are very few subjects that I consider off-limits here on the blog. Unfortunately, many of the events of the past few days have fallen under just such categories. Much of what I'm about to write here is gonna be left up to the reader's imagination because I'm gonna just gonna jump to the moral of the story.

I'm amending my earlier vow to not date for a while to also swear off sex for the same duration. Yes, I note the irony of a guy like me taking a vow of celibacy; a guy who, for many years, seemed like he couldn't get laid if his dick was made of $100 bills and sunshine.

The fact of the matter is, wardrobe choices notwithstanding, I've never been built for anything casual. Some part of me has always wants to put more meaning into everything than I generally should. However, lately my libido has been writing checks my better judgement shouldn't have cashed, and for once, my choice in women is not to blame...it's the situations surrounding these encounters that have freaked my shit out.

The reason I took the no dating vow in the first place was to get used to the idea of being on my own again, but somehow, that pledge has opened the door for many supposed no-stings-attached encounters that I'm now positive aren't helping me in that quest. Sure, I will concede that sex is healthy fun and an incredible form of stress release...but so is bowling, and you never leave a bowling alley feeling like your life is dramatically different as a result.

The things I've been doing so far to make myself feel more comfortable in my own skin have obviously not been working. It's apparent to me that before I can see myself being ready for any type of relationship, I must first find a more life-affirming existence. That being said, the first person to tell me I just need to get laid is getting a cigarette put out in their eyeball...and the first person who suggests finding Jesus is getting set on fire...and the first person to mention that I need to not focus on the negative so much will be told "Yeah, you're probably right."