RNDM THOT PTRNS

Five years ago today was the capping of the weirdest month of my life.

On August 11th, I was in Little Rock, spending the weekend with my brother before he had to report for his jail sentence that Monday. Up until that point, I had not had a good opportunity to have a talk with him about what he had done, and how he was feeling about it. With the busy schedule we all had to fit as much quality time with him, it was hard to get a moment alone with him to talk, brother to brother.

On Saturday, I went to a water park with my brother and his family. It was a blast, and the major sunburn I received was more than worth it. While my sister-in-law was with my nieces playing at the kiddie pool, my brother and I decided to go on one of the huge water slides. While we were in line, halfway up the tower, I decided this time was as good as any to talk.

I asked him all of the questions about what he was gonna have to do while he was "inside"...in part to help calm some of the fears I had about his well-being, but mostly to see where his head was at about the whole mess. He had accepted his fate, and for as little as he knew about what was about to happen to him in prison, all he could really think about was what he had to do as soon as he got out. It was a good talk, although waiting in line at a water park probably wasn't the best venue. All that talk about going to prison really got us a little elbow room in the line.

One week later was a bit tough. Having the same birthday as my brother (4 years apart), this was the first birthday where we weren't able to be in contact to celebrate it. I wasn't even able to call him...not that I could really wish him a happy birthday, given the circumstances.

Eight days after that, my relationship with my fiancee crumbled. With everything that had happened between the she and I over the previous six months: Months of unemployment on my part, followed by her losing her job the same day I finally got a job, neither of us having much money, building tensions, lack of intimacy, etc. It really wasn't much of a shock that the straw that broke the camel's back was an arguement over whether or not I was gonna get a haircut that day.

That day, she and I burned through our entire emotional arsenal, pulling no punches (metaphorically speaking, of course). That afternoon, I took in a double feature the movies to try and clear my head, went back home to discover my fate. That night, I checked into a hotel with a bottle of liquor. The next night she and I met for dinner and made the break-up official. I followed her back to the house and got the rest of my clothes and went back to the hotel. Two days later, I started moving out.

Two weeks later, on the morning of September 11, 2001, I thought I was a complete emotional void, seemingly unable to be phased by any outside stimuli. Around ten that morning, I was getting a proof ready for a client meeting. The client showed up a bit early, not interested at all in what we had to show him, instead asking if we had a TV.

We broke out the 25-year-old Curtis Mathis TV with the coat hanger antenna and tuned it in to the first channel we could get a decent signal from. The picture came somewhat clear just in time to see the second plane hit the tower 2. The twenty people in the office stood there glued to the TV watching our world change before our very eyes. I had missed breakfast that morning, and had even skipped coffee. This was fortunate for me because as soon as that first tower crumbled to dust I had to rush out the back door to dry heave off the loading dock. My little theory about not being able to be shaken any further was busted...big time.

I couldn't watch any more. I heard about the second tower falling from a co-worker, and I tried not to listen. The hours that passed after that were filled with only what others have heard. The attack on the Pentagon...Speculation about a fourth plane crashing and all air traffic being halted, which both turned out to be true...Oil refineries being attacked, Gas prices raised to six bucks a gallon, martial law being declared in New York and Washington, all of which were NOT true.

However, I was one of the rare few who actually had an empty gas tank on that fateful day. There was inexplicable gridlock on the expressway going home. No accidents, no construction, just a bunch of panicked people driving really fucking slow.

I ran out of gas just short of the QuikTrip near my apartment. While I was proud of our banding together as a nation in the days that followed, that day nobody gave a rat's ass about the guy trying to push his car by himself up to the pump. Three people cut in front of me, thinking they caught a break, when in actuality I was wasn't letting them in, I was just having a tough time getting the car moving again after having to stop. I yelled at these people, and all three of them gave me a half-assed apology and continued to fill their tanks, ignoring the streams of obscenities I was hurling at them as they went about their business.

After the third line-cutter, I started to push again. Then, I heard a woman behind me yell, "Hey, need a push?" It was a middle-aged woman in a old Ford F-150, and she inched her truck forward to push my car forward to the pump. While my gas was pumping, I went back to shake the woman's hand, and I was so grateful that I offered to pay for her gas. She declined my offer, saying she was just glad to help. Since leaving the office that day, this was the first selfless act I had seen anyone commit. It was just one act, and it really helped me forget everything that had happened up until that point.

Two years later, when I exercised my option to turn my car in when the balloon payment came up and GMAC marked it as a repossession anyway, the damage report they had sent me noted a couple scratches on the back bumper. Even though this report was telling me how I was being royally screwed financially, I couldn't help but smile. That wasn't damage, that was a random act of kindness with no thought of reward.

I've been trying to think about that as much as possible these days, how someone can help out a total stranger like that. That's what we really need to start doing, each and every one of us. Look beyond the people trying to get only what they want and help out a guy trying to get what he really needs. The trouble is, it's the other people making it harder and harder to keep the uncertainty and cynicism at bay.

Sure, the gas prices everyone feared we were gonna have to pay in the days following 9/11 is what we pay every fucking day...

Sure, five years ago, we looked to our leaders for guidance and reassurance that everything will be okay. Now, we look at our leaders and think, "Okay...Gee, you got anything that doesn't involve me shitting my pants?"...

Tonight, the President finally said on the record that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, but yet the war in Iraq is still a noble cause and we must do everything to create a democracy there, for the safety of our nation. Still no word from Bush that this has ANYTHING to do with the massive OIL supplies there that'll line his and his buddies' pockets with tons of cash...That's like bombing the shit out of a corn field in Iowa, under the pretense that it has some connection to urban gangs. Then, you admit that there's no gang activity in Iowa corn fields, but the ashes will be good for the soil and might, MIGHT yield a better crop in future years...perhaps from wheat instead of corn. And we should pay no attention to the fact that your family's money came from flour mills.

Sorry, kinda got off topic...if I had one to begin with. I guess what I'm saying here is this:

Five years ago today, we got the wind knocked out of us, and for a few weeks we all held each other hands while we caught our breath. Then, we started shouting. First at the people who were responsible...then at their friends...then at people who had nothing to do with them...now those of us who want all the shouting to stop are shouting at the people think we should should shout louder and vice versa!

And it's pretty fucking sad that we have to wait once a year to observe a moment of silence.