Performance evaluations with my inner demons

Self Doubt, 8:05 PM

Okay, Self Doubt, have a seat. We have a lot to talk about. Why am I not sitting with you on the couch? Because I'm quite comfortable in the Lay-Z-Boy. I know I normally sit on the couch, but really, I'm fine over here. Will you just shut up and listen to me?

I owe you a lot. You've kept me humble all these years, and you've kept me from making some seriously horrible mistakes more than a few times. On the other hand, your focus has been a bit erratic as of late. I mean, what was that shit you pulled at the drive-thru the other day? I really wanted that salad, but you had to have that chicken sandwich...which tasted like it was a week old and reheated in the sun. Nice call, dipshit.

It's all reaching a crisis point, Self Doubt, and I am getting pretty sick of it. It's affecting my work, my social interactions and virtually EVERY decision I make in life. Remember that book I've been writing for the past six years? You've been reading over my shoulder the whole time, and those Goddamned heavy sighs you make whenever I write another line of dialogue, or those little mumbles you make under your breath whenever I use a metaphor is, quite frankly, driving me up the fucking wall. I know it's not Shakespeare, but it IS a first draft, for fuck's sake. At least let me get ONE draft done, THEN we can edit!

And socially, you're even worse. You're always there telling me that this girl is out of my league, or that chick is psycho. How the hell do you know these things? I never see you talking to anyone else, and you're always at my side. You know what? Next time I go out, you're staying home. And, if things go well for me, I'll call ahead for you to go to a movie or something. I can't have you hanging around like that anymore. Go bug Impulse Control...you two seem to have a lot in common.

Okay, I think we're done for now. Any questions? No, we're not gonna watch Spike TV, I've got work to do. Look, just go find something else to do for a while. No, I don't want a beer. Go away.


Libido, 8:50 PM

Are you ready to come out of the time-out corner? Have you learned your lesson yet? Okay, what have you learned? That's right, it's not always about you. We're trying to be the nice guy, here.

I'll admit, we've had a lot of fun together, but would it kill you to be a little more patient? It's quality, not quantity. I know, I know, I used to bullshit myself all the time with that line, but it's really true now. Let's play it smart from now on, okay?

No, I won't pull up internet porn. Because I said so...maybe a little before bed, but I make no promises.


Sloth, 9:13 PM

Didn't I tell you to clean this place up yesterday? I don't care about the DVRed episodes of Mythbusters...this place is a pit! Look, you're the reason I sold the damned Gamecube. Don't make me downgrade the cable package, too.

I swear to God, you're worthless. It's too late to do anything tonight. But tomorrow night as soon as I get home, this place is gonna be spotless. Now, why don't you go assert your influence on the cat...that meowing and running laps around the bedroom is driving me nuts.


Impulse Control, 9:20 PM

I know I've been working a lot lately, and during that time, you've been very, very good. And, I appreciate that. However, we need to talk about this weekend.

We spent waaaay too much money. You did pretty well at the Scottish Festival, but that could be chalked up to the fact that nothing there was really our style. No, I'm talking about the silent auction. All we really wanted was the messenger bag, and we lucked out on that one. I just didn't expect to get the dinner for four and the duffel bag cooler.

I know it's for charity. I know it's tax deductible. I know we could cover it with all that overtime, but it was $140! You are the reason I've never been able to keep a savings account.

Like I've said, you've been good. Since Libido has been in time out, you've been on your best behavior. Now that I've ended his punishment, let's not fall back into old habits. If you do, I'll get you that king-sized Snickers you keep begging me for every time we go to the grocery store. Deal?


Fear of Abandonment, 9:40 PM

Before you even start, let me just say, you've been right all this time. Then again, so are ALL self-fulfilling prophecies.

Sure, in the beginning, a few women used me to get what they wanted and left, but that doesn't mean that deep down ALL of them will. The bottom line is, you no longer have any power over what I do. I might listen to what you have to say, but I will take that advice with a small grain of salt.

Rejection hurts, don't it? Now you know how I've felt over the years.


Constant Need to Please Others, 9:50 PM

You've earned me a lot of friends over the years, and thanks to you I'm a valued employee at work. But seriously, I need a little me time here. I'll be the first to admit, you get the job done, but we need to re-focus our energies towards friends rather than work. That is all.


Shyness, 9:55 PM

Get out from behind the couch. I'm not gonna hurt you. No, you're not fired. C'mon... Okay, looks like I'll have to drink both glasses of chocolate milk and eat all of the double-stuf Oreos myself. There, that's better. Have a seat.

I gotta tell you, buddy, the chicks really dig you. You've been a wonderful wingman over the years. But I gotta tell you, you know that whole thing you do when you things are going really well? Don't play dumb. That thing where you cling onto my arm and pull me the other direction? That's gotta stop.

You've got to trust me on this. When that moment comes, don't panic. Just go with the flow. I can't promise everything will go smoothly, but we have to try. Now, finish your cookies. We'll talk more later.


Utter Confusion Cleverly Disguised as a Voice of Reason, 10:00

Fuck you. Get out of my sight.


Insomnia, 10:05

Pardon the pun, but give it a rest. Good night.