Hard-working, deep-sleeping, pizza-eating, impulse-purchase-making stinky-pants

Immediately after my last post, I slept for 13 hours. I slept though Chuckles knocking over my CD rack and the guy mowing my lawn with that mower that sounds like there's a humpback whale under the hood. I had also attempted to set my cell phone alarm for 9:30 to try and make an appearance at Arnie's, and with the phone four inches from my head I still slept through the air raid volume setting I have on that sum'bitch.

Friday was a very productive day. It's kind of sad that in order for me to get a huge amount of energy is work my ass off for 36 hours, then sleep for 13. I just tore through the work, but I only got about half way through the workload. I asked my boss if he needed me to come in this weekend, and he said he did, but really didn't want me to.

So, I left to take the whole weekend off. I skipped dinner because I knew that whenever I have to work the door at Arnie's on Friday nights, there's usually some Domino's pizza there for me to snack on. But when I showed up, it was all gone. I didn't have time to run somewhere and get something to eat, so I decided to wait for that one guy who comes by to peddle cheap pizzas to the customers to show up. The pizza is fairly decent if you just happen to want some, but it becomes fucking awesome if you're hungry as hell. I wolfed down half of a medium meat lovers and left the rest for this morning.

Today, I returned some jeans to Target. I had bought them last night on my way home. They were the same brand, same size, same size as the jeans I was wearing when I bought them, so I felt no need to try them on first. However, they not only were blood flow restrictingly tight, but also appeared to be some form of low-riding hip-huggers for men.

Jeans and pants are always hard for a guy like me. I have a 38 waist, but I buy 40 waist to be able to have enough room for my huge bulbous ass. I also need at least a 32 length leg, but if I'm ever lucky enough to find one pair with 40 waist, it's always 30 or 28 length...so the logic of clothing-makers is that the higher the waist size, the shorter they must be. A guy like me is always left with the choice of loose capri pants or a tight fit with no socks showing.

Big and tall shops are equally frustrating. There, they figure that you're either 7 foot tall or 500 pounds. The shirts there are either too long, or they have that tapered edging at the bottom that screams "hand me another Ensure and I'll tell you about my grandchildren". The pants, while the waist feels right, the area immediately below that more than compensate for the bulbous ass, as well as a fat wallet, five handkerchiefs, a Depends undergarment...with enough room left over to smuggle a small life raft, fully inflated. The length is either spot on, or I have enough cuff to make a two-man tent.

One shop I miss in Tulsa, though not for their merchandise, was a place called Linguist Big & Tall. I just loved the name. If you need 'em 6' 10", 350 and speaking Japanese, come on down to Linguist Big & Tall.

I got a refund on the pants and promptly ran out to buy something I can enjoy sitting on my couch in my underwear because I have no clean pants: The new Bob Dylan CD and the new Mystery Science Theater 3000 box set. I plan to head down to Mercury Lounge to catch the Electric Rag Band tonight. Before then, I hope to either go do laundry or hose some jeans down with Fabreze.

Wow. Bulbous ass, stinky jeans, able to eat an entire pizza in just two sittings, workaholic, ill-fitting clothes, and I'm single! I have a feeling eHarmony.com has me on their "please kill" list.