More self-realization

Thursday night at the bar, it hit me that that day, February 2, was the five-year anniversary of me moving to Tulsa. In those five years, here's what's happened (a partial list):

4 relationships (including one engagement, one just-living-together, one on the rebound and one what-the-fuck?!?)
5 failed attempts at dating (i.e. disasterous first dates, getting stood up on the first date, and "Can't we just be friends first?")
3 jobs (two minimum wage gigs and the job I have now)
3 separate addresses
2 different vehicles
6 moments where I considered moving back to Arkansas, only to decide not to because of my friends here, my stable job, or the fact that there aren't any Taco Buenos in Arkansas.
About 2 dozen friends that I can't imagine my life without.
About 10 pounds lost.

On the flip side, I do think about what my life had been like if I hadn't moved here. Odds are:

I would still be working at a job that really wasn't all that great for me.
Despite that, I probably wouldn't be in this much debt right now if I hadn't quit.
I would still be with my great friends back there.
I might not have grown up as much as I have here in Tulsa. Most of the troubles I've had here have hardened me in ways that I could see happening to me back in that environment...mostly because I had friends there who were very protective of me, and were upset over the circumstances that led me to Tulsa. And while I think they took a little perverse pleasure in seeing those reasons blow up in my face, they still welcome me back with open arms every time I come to visit. Classy, classy folks they are.
I would still be single there, too. Not because of burn-out (like now), but because of the fact that I would probably still be the timid little chicken-shit I was before I moved.
I would be making $15K+ more a year than I do now, but be working much longer hours for it, doing work I wasn't proud of at all.
Having the Missouri border just ten minutes away, I would've had access to stronger alcohol, but wouldn't have the strong desire to drink I have now.

I guess what I'm saying is that, in these five years, I've grown a lot. While I may bitch and moan about constantly getting the shit kicked out of me to varying degrees since moving here, I wouldn't change a thing. I don't know if I'm burning off some bad karma from a past life, or building up good karma for this life or the next one. All I know is, it's been a hell of a ride.

Today, when I see my old friends back in Arkansas, it's like no time has passed. I miss them every day, but it's nice that when I speak with them now, I'm actually telling them about my life and vice versa...rather than the same old conversations about Star Wars and me telling the same jokes over and over again. But there's a trust level we all share, that we're all gonna be okay no matter what happens.

As for my friends here, the trust level is different. I've grown to be the one they all depend on, whether it be advice, support, or a face in the crowd when they're on stage. I feel I'm part of a great equilibrium here in Tulsa. If I left now, nothing would completely shut down, but they would have to take a while for the balance to restore.

My belief has always been that wisdom is the resolute knowledge that with each new day you are less of a moron than the day before, and that each one of us is the lump sum of everyone that has crossed our paths since the day we were born. All things considered, the guy I was ten years ago was a total moron. Five years ago, I was naive at best. Today, I think I'm okay. Judging my progress, five years from now, who knows, I could have all this shit figured out. However, I won't be able to do anything if it weren't for my friends, here and elsewhere. Thanks, guys!