How my wish to be the characters on Heroes would backfire on me if it came true

7:30 am: I'm the Japanese guy who can bend the space/time continuum

My alarm goes off, and I could use a couple more hours of sleep. I tense my face up and freeze time. I fall back asleep, lose concentration and it's back to real time.

Plan B: I teleport myself back three ours back into my own bed. The problem is, I'm laying on bed next to myself from three hours ago and I/he is snoring like crazy. I nudge him/me and the snoring stops long enough for me to fall asleep. I wake up on my own accord, but myself from three hours ago had rolled over while I was asleep and was spooning me.

Completely creeped out, I take a shower and get ready for work.


7:50 am: I'm the cop that can hear people's thoughts.

I'm in line at QuikTrip, waiting to pay for my breakfast sandwich. There are lines to each of the three registers. A guy in one line is trying to remember how much change he has in his pockets to pay for his twenty dollars worth of stuff. A woman in another line is repeating her lotto numbers to herself to have the clerk key them in by hand. The third line is full of people with completely blank minds, typical for this early in the morning, so I get in line with them.

While in line, I hear a woman thinking "Hey, that guy in the suede jacket (that's me!) has a cute butt." I look over my shoulder to the attractive redhead behind me and flash a smile. Her thought: "What the hell are you looking at?" Then I catch a glimpse of the sixty year old woman with the thinning hair standing behind the redhead, and she's thinking "Mmmmm...yummy..."

Again, completely creeped out, I leave and go to work.


10:30 am: I'm the cheerleader with the healing powers.

I'm walking through that hallway at work where everybody keeps stacking all their extra crap. I trip over a box and hit my head hard on the concrete floor. I can't feel anything below my neck. I start to panic. My God, I'm paralyzed. I've told these people time and time again that someone's gonna get hurt with all this shit stacked up everywhere. Well, maybe a big fat lawsuit will teach them a lesson.

Just then, my head feels a lot better, and I can move again. Shit. I could've used that money.


12:05 pm: I'm the guy who can fly.

I head out the door to go to lunch, and remember that my car is low on gas. Oh, well, I'll just take to the skies then.

Able to fly at sonic speeds means that great sandwich place downtown is about three seconds away. When I get there, the line is out the door. Too bad I wasted my time/space continuum powers this morning. I wait in line for almost an hour. Not a real problem, I can eat on the way back to the office.

Unfortunately, a French Dip is really difficult to eat at Mach 1. I had to stop at home to change shirts and was late getting back to work.


2:00 pm: I'm the artist who can see the future.

Sitting at my desk, I start absent-mindedly doodling a picture of one of our more troublesome clients boring me close to death in a meeting. When I snap out of my daydream. I look at my drawing and and decide to go get a soda from the break room. Somthing tells me I need to stay there for a while.

After about fifteen minutes, I head back to my desk. I hear my boss calling for me to come into the conference room, where that client is ready to talk my ear off for the next hour and a half.


4:00 pm: I'm that spooky chick that has some sort of split personality/She-Hulk thing going on.

I get ou of my meeting and get back to my work. It is now that I find out that there are some major problems with that big project I thought I was finished with yesterday...the one that's due tomorrow!

My boss finds out as soon as I do, and he proceeds to rip me a new asshole. I kinda black out for a while, but when I wake up, my work's all done, the project is back on track, my desk is clean, my boss is nowhere to be found and there's a small blood stain on the wall.

I shrug it off, clock out and head home.


7:00 pm: I'm the guy that can absorb other people's powers.

I can't decide whether to cook dinner at home or go out to eat. I figure I'll just drive around for a while to try and make up my mind, and I wind up at my favorite restaurant. Even though I'm already at the restaurant, I can't make up my mind if I want to stay. I mean, I'm craving those fajitas they make here, and I've got stuff to make them at home, but I can't make them as good as they do here.

Then, it hits me: I can just stand next to the kitchen and "absorb" the cook's ability to make the fajitas just how I like them. All it takes is just standing near the people with real powers, right?

After about ten minutes of standing around the kitchen door, I feel confident that I've got all I need. I head home to my kitchen and go into some sort of a trance...like I'm standing outside of my own body watching me cook this meal.

However, I get less and less hungry as I watch myself use the bathroom without washing my hands and spitting in my own food before I snap out of the trance.

I puke and decide to go to bed early.