Absolutely lost

I know I said back in March for people NOT to read Urban Tulsa Weekly, but seeing as this week was the results of their annual Absolute Best of Tulsa reader poll, I had to indulge. Here's how screwed up the people of Tulsa are...or at least the people with time enough to submit entries:

Absolute Best Radio Personalities: Phil & Brent on KMOD. I guess every city has to have at least one wacky morning radio show, but for crying out loud, this shit has to stop. It still amazes me how many people still fall for the Roy D. Mercer bullshit. I guess they're singling out people who don't buy their comedy CDs at dirty truck stops.

Absolute Best Gadgets and Gizmos Store: Radio Shack. Did customer satisfaction or quality of product ever factor into this decision? Besides, there should be a rule about chain stores in this poll.

Absolute Best Smoke Shop: Oz. How about a rule that in order to be considered a smoke shop, you shouldn't be able to buy black lights and dildos there as well?

Absolute Best Place to Buy Beer: QuikTrip?!? Does anybody in this fucking town even know what real beer tastes like?

Absolute Best Beer: Bud Light...okay, my last question has an answer...the answer is HELL NO!

Absolute Best Festival: Mayfest. Did the ballots only go out to Motel 6 decorators? Mayfest is to fine art as Paris Hilton is to the feminist movement. Second Place was Oktoberfest, which, due to my German heritage, makes me kinda proud...however 99% of the beers they serve there are from Budweiser. To quote Monty Python, American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.

It warms my heart to know as many people as I do that wish to try and enlighten as many people as they can. Judging from this list, we've got our work cut out for us. I'm gonna suggest some new categories for next year. I mean, seriously, they have a category for best bathrooms! (winner: QuickTrip)

Absolute Best place to take your kids where they might learn something other than how to kill video game zombies.
Absolute Best place to meet someone without a retraining order against them.
Absolute Best restaurant without a glaring health code violation.
Absolute Best place to have an intelligent conversation with a total stranger.
Absolute Best festival where you can spend the day without having to wait in line behind an entire family of mouth-breathing NASCAR fans that doesn't bathe.
Absolute Best place to order a cup of coffee in less than six syllables
Absolute Best place that doesn't need a shit rag like Urban Tulsa to validate their existence.