Honestly...

"To live outside the law, one must be honest" - Bob Dylan

"To thine own self be true" - Willam Shakespeare

"The most courageous thing you can do is be honest" - Commercial for Secret deodorant

The first quote is transcribed from a sticker on a mirror at Arnie's bar, and I reflect on that line every time I see that sticker. The second quote is one I remember highlighting during my phase in high school when I had the foolish notion of reading the complete works of Shakespeare. I got through Hamlet and Romeo & Juliet and gave up. The third quote was during a commercial break while I was thinking of a third quote...Not nearly as personal as the other two, unless you consider that I may be strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Honesty has always been a virtue for me, but lately tact has been wearing me down. When I'm not having to fight the temptation to call someone on their bullshit, I'm having to find the proper words to explain how I'm feeling to someone else and it never seems to come out the right way. At any given moment, I come out feeling like either a spineless coward or a complete asshole.

This blog used to be the place I came to vent my frustrations over these problems. I used to be able to unload without censoring myself. As of late, no matter how much I sugarcoat my frustrations or try to put my feelings into honest words, I fear I'm opening myself up to a world of confrontations. Thankfully not from everyone, just certain people.

How did it get this way? Hell, I was brutally honest about my relationship problems with Candy, and what I said on the blog never an issue in the break-up. If anything, it allowed me to better articulate my feelings for when she and I finally had "the talk". I still have my job even with everything I wrote about my boss and my co-workers.

So, what's the solution here? How can I bring this blog back to form as a therapeutic medium for myself? I want to be completely honest here. It's one of the only places I feel I can. I don't mind changing names to protect the innocent (and in some cases, the guilty), but I don't want to walk on eggshells or pretend that these things never happened.

First and foremost, I need to not give a shit (or give less of a shit than I am now) about what certain people feel. This is my life and I want to talk about what's happening in it. I will try to be tactful, but on the other hand I need to call it as I see it. I will no longer edit my past posts, but if I am wrong I will post a retraction if I feel it's needed.

Secondly, I need to explain to everyone out there that if you're in my life, odds are you are gonna be in this blog at some point...naughty or nice. And if it happens to be an unflattering portrait, don't take it so personally. It's just one little slice of life, folks, not the entire pie. If you've got something to say about it, post a comment. I haven't deleted a non-spam comment yet.

Lastly, I'm gonna finish this post with an general update/progress report on all the areas of my life...Here we go:

Physical: I'm still a pack-a-day smoker, fifty pounds overweight, a social drinker and I'm still not doing anything about it.

Mental: Despite my current addiction to digital cable and viral internet video, I still consider myself fairly well-read individual. I'll be the first to admit that, at times, I'm not the sharpest block of cheese out there...but taking a good look around (I do live in Oklahoma after all), I'm well above average.

Psychological: I've been running close to a serious depression for a while now, and at this very moment, I'm doing okay. I've been doing as much soul-searching as I can, and I feel I'm close to the answers to my personal issues.

Professional: I'm in a good place. In my line of work, any job that's stable (even though the people I work with aren't), is worth it's weight in gold. The company is changing and growing into the type of company I've always wanted to work for. Sure, there have been some growing pains, but when we reach our present goals, all the effort will be worth it.

Financial: One year from now, my credit card debt will be history. Less than two years from now, my car will be paid off. It's a sprint to the finish line...living paycheck to paycheck until then.

Love: I know I'm not ready for anything serious, and for the time being, I'm not ready for anything casual, either. I'm on my own for the first time in almost two years, and I'm still adjusting to it. I need to focus on making myself whole before I can open myself to being with someone else.

Spritual: Karma in check, trying to reduce my dogma. I don't pretend to have Jesus on speed-dial, but God has my number if He ever wants to call.

Social: I have lots of friends, and even though I feel like I need to withdraw from the world a lot recently, I can't imagine my life without them.

Overall: I have some problems, but I'm fixing them. I have my frustrations, but I'm learning to deal with them. All I need is time, and a space where I can write about my life and try to figure it all out. I'm hoping this blog can be used for that once again.