Take that, Suzi from Tallahassee

I heard a report on NPR today that got me thinking. They were talking about re-juveniles, people in their 30's and 40's who take part in activities that are popular with much younger people. Grown men who play video games, adults with no kids visiting Disneyland six times a week, etc. Anyway, the first caller they took was a woman who had something to say to all of these folks: "Grow the hell up!"

She went on for a couple minutes about how she just can't stand seeing "adults" running around with their iPods, their messenger bags and their hula hoops...Okay that last one I made up. My point is, as noble as she tried to be, she really came off as a crotchety old nag.

Until today, I was a guy with a little over a month before his thirtieth birthday who was reconsidering his plan to save up for a Nintendo Wii system when it comes out. I was worried that I was approaching that time in my life where I must give up childish things, start drinking Metamucil and worrying about kids being on my lawn.

After hearing this lady on the radio today, I've decided I HAVE TO save up for that Nintendo Wii, and maybe throw in a Playstation 3 while I'm at it...just to piss that woman (well, people LIKE her) off. In my mind, one of the greatest pleasures in life is pissing off anyone who takes themselves a liiiiitttle too seriously.

But then I thought, do I really indulge in this activity enough? Aside from having a couple anti-Bush stickers on my car, I really don't. Hell, I live in a red state and in a city that IS the buckle of the Bible Belt. This place is ripe with political and religious self-righteousness, and I don't think I've done enough to truly fuck with these people.

Of course, I'm talking about subtle methods. For instance:

Whenever a televangelist asks for a donation, I should call in and suggest that he/she sell that Rolex their wearing or that Lexus they're driving. Show me a preacher who's passing the plate for a new transmission for the beat-up old church van, and I might consider throwing in a few bucks.

When a political leader is giving a public speech about some insignificant talking point flavor of the week, I should really be in the crowd holding up signs showing what they should REALLY be trying to fix. They wanna say gay marriage is an important issue, they get a poster of a dead soldier. You say "under God" must be in the pledge of allegiance, I say look at this picture of a poor, starving child. Flag burning? Here's the gulf coast...Was this taken back in September, or just last week? Who can tell?!?

I wanna show up to an Ann Coulter lecture with a giant gong.

I wanna put a laugh track on "The 700 Club".

I wanna unplug the teleprompter during the State of Union speech.

I wanna stamp RETURN TO SENDER on the foreheads of every Jehovah's Witness that comes to my door.

I wanna open the dump valves on oil tankers. I wanna breathe smoke...sorry, got on a little Fight Club rift for a second.