My new addiction

Yahoo Questions. It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen on the web. If you go there, go directly to the singles and dating section.

It is a fascinating overview of just how fucked up some people in our society really are. Really, it's difficult to figure out how many of these people are for real. I'll give you an example:

Manny W Asks:

I feel I may have done big mistake with girlfriend. How can I get her to talk to me again?

I have been dating a nice girl for almost 2 months now. We get along fine but we have not made love yet. This makes me both hurt and mad. I take great offense to this. We will sleep in same bed sometimes but never do anything. She keeps saying to wait. Wait, wait,wait!!
I can't keep waiting. I got so mad last night that I shot my sperm in her face and hair while she was sleeping. She woke up and was really upset. I tried to calm her down but she kicked me out. How can I apologize for doing this when she won't answer the phone or return my messages?

First of all, is it any wonder why the Board of Education no longer calls it grammar school anymore? When you go through these questions, you'll be surprised how quickly you get accustomed to bad spelling, grammar, and most importantly everything made plural with Z's instead of S's. It's like everyone there had their questions and answers dictated by a fifteen-year-old-girl sending it in via text message.

Secondly, who says romance is dead?

Lastly, isn't it great to know that we live in a country where a guy can jerk off in his girlfriend's face out of frustration over her unwillingness to sleep with him, and still hold some shred of hope that she'll forgive him?


Not only can you find questions like this all over the place, but you get to answer them! Wanna know what I wrote to this doorknob?

"So, let me get this straight, out of frustration over her unwillingness to have sex with you, you jerk off in her face while she's sleeping. And now, you're wondering how to make this up to her?

You're lucky to not be charged with sexual assault, or at the very least, a restraining order! Maybe she didn't want to make love because she didn't feel 100% safe to share that part of her life with you, and sad to say, the next guy that comes into her life is gonna have to help her overcome not only that, but also the fear of waking up with sperm in her face!

It's over. Next time, try respecting a woman's wishes, and for God's sake, have a little self-control."

Over the past few weeks, I've been re-reading some of my earlier posts and I've gotten a great sense of perspective out of it. Now, I'm gonna go on this site and post questions about my past problems; questions I already know that answers to, but I wanna see what kind of feedback I get from these kind of people...people like:

1. The girl that saw a guy jerking off in his car (and thought he was cute), and was wondering if not letting him know she was watching was a wise decision.

2. Several guys bitching about all their white women going out with "black guyz".

3. Although it wasn't in the singles & dating category, the guy wanting to know how to make a toothpick out of a deer leg.

4. The guy wanting to know if anyone has a passcode to Bangbros (NSFW) he could borrow.

5. The teenage girl desperate to know how to tell the lesbian recruiters at her school to back off.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

Do you have any idea what the street value of this city is?

This kinda sucks. There's at least 8 inches of snow outside and there's no real signs of it stopping before the morning. The good news is that the ice and snow has built up around the edges of the windows and is keeping any drafts from coming in. Going to Arnie's tonight might be a wash.

Surprisingly, I managed to get to work on time going 10 MPH on the surface roads. Around 11:00, my boss started sending people home. I didn't have too much to do anyway, so I took whatever work i had to do and took it home with me. I worked on it while catching up on the shows I missed last night.

For the past few days, Chuckles has been a bit stir crazy. He's been hanging around by the front door whining to be let outside. Today was no exception. So, I left the door open long enough for him to see a chance to escape. He enthusiastically lept out the front door onto the snow and ice just outside my door, looked around, uttered what I can only imagine is cat-ese for "Fuck this!", then lept back inside and laid down in front of the heater. Cats, non-stop entertainment.

Now, I'm a bit keyed up. I don't wanna go outside, but I'm running out of stuff to do around here. The three hot chocolates I've had hasn't helped either.

Unrelated tidbits

A guy in Amsterdam recently aimed to set a world's record for the largest joint...And who says stoners have no initiative?

The 16-year-old actress playing the Virgin Mary in the upcoming movie The Nativity Story has announced that she's pregnant out of wedlock.

I could've been a millionaire if someone hadn't stolen my idea for the Turducken. Alhough, to be fair, my idea was called the Elebeefostporturduckenailakeet. It the same principal, but instead it was layers of Elephant, side of beef, ostrich, suckling pig, turkey, duck, chicken, quail, parakeet. I ran into three problems: A) elephant anti-poaching laws, B) Lacking the strength to debone the larger animals and the precision to debone the smaller ones, and C) the average consumer doesn't have the oven space. If only I had pared down the idea, I'd be rich.

Supposedly, Kid Rock has broken up with Pam Anderson over her appearance in the movie Borat. Read that again.

Today, the temperature dropped twenty degrees and went from sunny to stormy in about thirty minutes. Who opened the seventh seal?

Beware of Pump #1 at the QuikTrip at 11th and Utica. The shutoff trigger is broken on the nozzle, and my tank overflowed...onto my shoes.

I found a cause that may not go over very well in the Midwest: Global Orgasm Day. December 22nd.

There's a old textbook from the fifties on my shelf titled Writing Good Sentences. Shouldn't that be Writing Sentences Well?

If Camel Cigarettes are a Turkish tobacco blend, why do they have an Egyptian pyramid on the package?

So much for opening with a joke...

One of my guilty pleasures in life is a moderately recent invention: The Myspace Survey. I don't know who starts these things, but it's an interesting study into the minds of not only the people filling out the survey, but also the anonymous writer of the questions. My philosophy: What better way to sharpen your sarcasm skills than to tackle absurd questions from a total stranger?

Tonight, it kinda backfired on me. So far, I've gotten two messages in the past hour about my answer to question #7: Have you ever been raped?

Considering that the other 49 questions ranged from threesomes to streaking to porn shops to getting "road head", this one question takes a sharp turn into dangerous territory. My approach was simple: An absurd question deserves an absurd answer...in this case, these eight words seemed to spark some controversy: "No, my parents never took me to church."

It wasn't the first time I've deflected a sensitive subject with crude humor, and certainly wasn't the first time I've resorted to clergy molestation humor. But the complaints were directed at the subject of rape itself, as if I put the damned question on the survey. There is not a single casual or basic clinical situation that this question would be in the top fifty, much less seventh. Seriously, this isn't even a question you get asked until at least the third psychotherapy session.

True, I could've just answered with a simple "no", but I went with a joke. And considering my response to question #34, asking if I've ever been offended by bad personal hygeine "down there" and I used the analogy of a skunk getting a perm, what did I get for that? Nothing.

My point is this: Anything remotely offensive that comes out of my head is strictly to hold a mirror up to the situation and show how idiotic it truly is. I'm reminded of encountering a black guy when I was younger who announced his hatred of white people because of slavery. I told him that in the days of slavery my people were back in Germany and they left there years later because a certain someone was telling them that a different race was inferior to their own...and that if he was gonna hate me, then he should have a better reason than that. If it wasn't for my abnormally quick reflexes at the time, I managed to run away before he pummeled me to a bloody pulp.

...ahhh...I see their point. Next time, I'll go with the easy answer.

Death of a Digital Camera

Two years and four months ago, I bought myself a little early birthday present: A Sony Cybershot Digital Camera. In that time, I have taken over 3,000 shots (only about 1,800 worth keeping). I've photographed everything from the obligatory shot of my own feet, to shots I've used in my work, to drunken shots of my friends in various - albeit goofy and goodnatured - stages of undress, to templates for digital illustrations I use as Christmas presents to my family to show them what I do with my college education...and my Wacom tablet.

It's been a good friend to me...but unfortunately, after a long illness that has heretofore been remedied by percussive maintenance, the Cybershot has gone to that great junk drawer in the sky. It is survived by two 128 MB Memory Sticks, a USB cable and an instruction manual.

In rememberance of the plucky little camera that could, I present to you the final photograph I was able to upload before the preview screen went dark. This photo was the result of a bored Sunday afternoon watching Ferris Beuller's Day Off on cable.

No funeral service will be held, but donations will be received on the camera's behalf. Proceeds will go towards a better, more professional grade camera. Please email me for further details.

Monday Night Caption Contest

Okay, I know that this is usually a Wednesday night thing, but I'm moving it to Mondays because I figure this is a good way to start off the week. Post your captions in the comments section below.

Here's my caption for the week:

"Now, this model I think will be right up your alley. It's got a built-in air freshener, skidmark protection, automatic courtesy flush feature and supersonic suction. Here, watch what it'll do to this pound of ravioli..."


The winner of the last caption contest was Anonymous with the caption: "Pedro had a dream of a better life in America, but he wasn't gonna do it without his prize bull Benicio."

Thanksgiving with the family

I spent Wednesday night getting ready for my trip to Little Rock for Thanksgiving. I cleaned up the apartment, so that my friends coming over to feed Chuck wouldn't think I was living in absolute squalor. I made an MP3 disk fo rmy car that was roughly the same length of the four-hour drive down there...which I discovered I could've had 10 hours on a single disk, but my attention span isn't that bad.

Thursday, I get up early (by day-off-standards), feed Chuck, pack up the car and head out of town. I call my parents from the road and let them know when to expect me. I talk to my stepdad for a short while, wherein he informs me to not be surprised by my mother's black eye. I swerve to get back on the road and listen to the explanation. Truns out my mom was grabbing something off the top shelf in the pantry, accidentally knocked off the light fixture and it landed on her face. I was just thankful the expanation didn't involve her refusing to get her bitch-ass back in the kitchen and make him some pie. Not that that would ever happen. Knowing my mom, if that was ever the case, the phone call wouldn't be about the black eye, but rather to inform me that my mother was being booked for murder.

I got to my parents' house about the same time my stepbrother did. I hadn't seen the guy in about two years, and from what I could tell, and was completely surprsed by, he has really pulled his life together. He's had the same job for the past two years (pervious record: 3 months), he's trying to spend as much time as he can with his daughter and-gasp-paying for things with his own money! It was really great hanging out with him.

Almost every time I spend time with my family, there is always a certain level of passive-aggressive criticism towards certain areas of my life, i.e. finances, relationships, wardrobe, etc. It's never enough to really spark conflict between us, but enough to not go unnoticed. This time, aside from from a comment about how my hair looks so much better than the shaved head they last saw, everything was just peachy.

I had to drive back last night because I had to work the door at Arnie's. I got back into town at seven, and had to be at work at eight. After four hours straight in the car, needless to say I did most of my work standing up. I was home by two and asleep by two-thirty.

Now, I'm slow-cooking some chili for dinner, and catching up on my DVRed shows while I was gone. Another lazy Sunday.

Late night with Conan the Barbarian

The weekend

Yesterday, I had a very interesting triple feature of sorts. Casino Royale in the afternoon, a very heavy yet very good play called the Pillowman at the Nightengale Theater and Plan 9 From Outer Space at the Circle Cinema midnight movie. As a bonus, still hopped up on the Mr.Pibb at Plan 9, I went home and watched DVRed Robot Chicken until I was ready to fall asleep.

Friday night I worked the door, and yet again I had another one of those bizarre circumstances. You see, when you pay a cover at Arnie's, the money is going to the band, not the bar. Friday night, A guy came in, I asked for the three bucks, and he explained to me through sign language that he was deaf. So, if he can't hear the band, should I really charge him to see them? He was only coming in for one beer, so I didn't charge him. But seriously, what should be the protocol on something like that?

Another little thing that happened to me while working at the door that I haven't mentioned in the blog. Last Friday, a man came up to the door asking for directions to another club. Pretty innocuous, except for the fact that the guy used to be the fucking MAYOR, and the place he was asking about was five blocks from his old office! Is it any wonder why he didn't get re-elected?

Today, I think I'll skip my normal Sunday ritual of sitting on my ass watching TV and playing video poker. I'm gonna clean my car, maybe snap a few photos, and not come home until it's time for the Simpsons. Annnnnndddd, I'm OFF!

Royale without cheese

I just got home from seeing Casino Royale, and before I get to the review, I got a couple of open letters I need to send out:

Attention old people: If you're gonna go to the movie theater, and you insist on having someone with you repeat any and all lines of dialogue, please have the wherewithall to bring someone with better hearing than you. I spent half the movie trying to shhh you guys and the other half wanting to correct you.

Attention everyone who's been bitching about Daniel Craig being a bad choice to play Bond: Suck it, losers.

Now, on with the review:

I've always been a huge Bond fan. I've seen every film. I've seen every one since A View To A Kill in theaters. I even survived Never Say Never Again, the Dalton years and the cinematic near-death rattle that was The World Is Not Enough.

I'm so much of a fan that I know the whole formula and still come back for more:

After the gun barrel/dripping blood opening shot, we see Bond on a seemingly normal mission where he swoops in undetected after some bizarrely elaborate stunt or by posing as some businessman. He's found out, alarms start blaring and dozens of henchmen with the worst aim in history start shooting at him. Shortly thereafter, the bad guy gets away with the item Bond is there to retrieve and/or Bond has to pull off some other impossible stunt to escape. Then comes the credit sequence with the song that has no chance of being a hit single but is cool within the context of a Bond film, then the briefing of the new mission that is somehow related to the opening scene. Q shows up with a bunch of gadgets that are really built for one purpose that isn't really clear until the third act. Bond sleeps with a woman who is closely tied in with the bad guy, gets some important information from her, Bond taunts bad guy, bad guy gets mad, attempts to kill Bond and fails, captures Bond, announces his entire plan for world domination to Bond while he's strapped to some convoluted torture device and leaves to carry out his plan, Bond escapes and kills the torturer with his own torture device, goes in, saves the day and blows off a stern lecture from M to have sex with the girl. Credits roll and "James Bond Will Return".

With Casino Royale, take everything about that formula, with the exception of the opening credit sequence and "James Bond Will Return" and throw out the rest. This is pre-Bond. He's flawed, he's sloppy in his methods, he's still coming to grips with the psychological pitfalls of his line of work, and he actually capable of mistakes. He's still cocky and arrogant as hell, but this time it's more of first-week-on-the-job, shoot-first-ask-questions-later kind of arrogance. If he fails, he immediately tries again. Most importantly, he's not afraid to get a little messy.

Sure, it turns the franchise on its ear. It's not the Bond we've seen so far, but that is the best part. I too am pissed that Peirce Brosnan got fired, but he couldn't have pulled this off. Don't get me wrong, Brosnan was great in the role, but he was too slick for this kind of a ride. They needed someone we didn't know too well. They needed someone who we couldn't see coming. We needed someone we didn't know if we could get behind right away. We needed Daniel Craig.

I believe Sean Connery was exactly what Bond should've been as an older character, and we saw in him a level of "Excuse me, I've got business to attend to." kind of professionalism. Roger Moore was too much of a glib smartass, not to mention the fact that you could tell every moment he called for a stunt double. Timothy Dalton, I'm convinced, was only there to make George Lazenby look better in the role. With Brosnan, we at least got a sense of history and an insight to how a life of killing has effected the character, but never enough to keep him from getting the job done.

Daniel Craig's Bond, much like the actor himself, has not yet come to grips with what this new job has in store for him. The job could very well be a death sentance ("From what I understand, double-o's have a very short life expectancy"), but if he pulls it off, he'll survive to see greater glory. The filmmakers made a brilliant choice to not play any hint of the original Bond theme until the end credits started, when James Bond becomes JAMES FUCKING BOND.

The bad guy this time isn't the same Bond villian we're used to. Le Chiffre could give a rat's ass about theatrics, he has no plans to take over the world, he's just desperately trying to do what he must do to survive, and if he succeeds, we're all pretty much fucked. After seeing Casino Royale, I felt cheated by the past few Bond villians. Looking back now, they were pretty weak:

Die Another Day: A Korean guy turns himself into a smug British white guy to sell conflict diamonds so he can buy a giant mirror?

The World Is Not Enough: Okay, so you got a guy who cannot feel pain, and his sole purpose was to push a fucking button? So much potential wasted.

Tomorrow Never Dies: This one was actually pretty good. A media mogul tries to incite World War III just to drive up ratings on his new news channel. This flick is like porno for Fox News executives.

GoldenEye: 006. The good news for him, he's had the same training as Bond, so he knows exactly how Bond would react in a bad situation. The bad news for him, vice versa.

The Living Daylights: What's the greatest threat to our huge arms deal? A cello player, that's who.

Licence to Kill: I couldn't accept Robert Davi as a legitimate bad guy after watching the Goonies. Despite Timothy Dalton's supposed strengths as Bond, I couldn't help but think that an annoying twelve-year-old asian kid who only thought he was James Bond could take this guy down.

A View To A Kill: Seriously, the bad guy tries to escape in a giant blimp. Next time, go for something that is A) not so easy to hit, B) moves faster than 20 MPH, and C) doesn't have your fucking name on the side of it!

From the Bush School of Diplomacy

This is camera phone footage of a student at UCLA getting repeatedly tased by campus police, simply for refusing to stand up when he was asked. Wanna know something else? according to the site that I first saw this video, the kid is of Iranian descent.

Apparently it doesn't require a gun for a cop to be a little too trigger happy. I'm gonna follow this story as it unfolds from here on out, anxiously awaiting the announcement that the cops involved will be sent to "sensitivity training". Listen, I know recruitment numbers are down, but maybe people wouldn't be so freaked out by the cops if they did a little more on the front end to weed out these kind of whack-jobs. If you need to be told not to give 10,000 volts to a kid for not wanting to stand up, or just for being non-white, maybe you shouldn't be in that position of power.

Sick, just sick.

Wednesday Night Caption Contest

It's caption time again, and for the first time, I have an early entry in the contest. I asked One Charmed Motherfucker if he had any ideas for this week's pic, and because he was so busy, he told me to find a picture for his caption instead. Reverse engineering...I like it! And it leads us to this week's pic.

Here's One Charmed Motherfucker's caption:

"You're right - I never thought being a bull semen salesman would have so many pitfalls."

Here's mine for the week:

Undeterred by the PETA protests, the Running of the Bulls is now a triathalon.


The winner of last week's contest is Toni with the caption: "I don't know dude - I thought for sure we'd pull the chics after we had our teeth bleached and veneered..."

Ideas I'm working on

1. Pre-Tea.
This is merely a continuation of a current trend. Black tea was king of the teas for a long time. Then Green tea hit the market, which is essentially the same tea, just harvested sooner. Now, we have white tea, which is made from baby tea leaves. Pre-tea continues the same trend by just filling the tea bags with seeds. The next step? Pollen.

2. The next big TV sensation.
Combine the themes of every hit primetime show over the past five years. You find a group of antagonistic crime fighting brain surgeons with troubled pasts and super powers, strand them on a desert island, make them choose from one of 26 briefcases, each containing a clue to the murder of the contestant that mysteriously died the previous week. Whoever can guess the murderer correctly gets immunity at the dance contest...and it's all told in real time.

3. Easy Meat.
The same principle as a can of Easy Cheese...only with meat. Pureed meat in a pressurized can.

4. The iPod.
You're right...it's been done.

5. A board game called Threshold.
A typical board game where the point is to get from start to finish on a game board. Only, instead of dice, there is a deck of cards with irritating situations on them. Move one space for each second you can endure situations like your opponents spitting watermelon seeds at you, or purple nurples or being strangled. It's cool, put a disclaimer on it and I won't get sued.

6. Involuntary Celebrity Boxing.
An online poll determines which celebrity is that week's target. Then, we determine what will be the most highly televised event that celebrity will be on that week...Oprah, Letterman, the View, etc. Then, we have a professional boxer come out and punch the living crap out of them.

You're a lost wallet, Charlie Brown

As a man of my word, I went out first thing this morning to do laundry. When I got there, I realized I didn't have my wallet...I must have left it at home. I had cash with me, so I got a new laundry card and took care of business.

When I got home, I turned my place upside down looking for that damned wallet and couldn't find it anywhere. I checked out in the car, nothing. I drove back to the bar I was at last night, zip. My wallet was gone.

Driver's license, check card, social security card (I know, dumbass move), voter registration, medical insurance, laundry card with $20 charged to it, business cards, condom, treasure map, complete list of my allergies and crippling fears...okay, I made those last three up. The thing that pissed me off was the wallet itself. It was a tan canvas wallet with Charlie Brown on it with the word BLOCKHEAD above him.

I sent out a Myspace bulletin just in case someone at the bar last night picked it up. It was a long shot, seeing as I remember having the wallet at 10:00 last night and putting it in my back pocket. If it was gone, odds are it was stolen.

The thing is, I can't be too upset about losing all that stuff because I've been meaning to renew everything in there. The check car'd magnetic strip was almost shot and all my IDs had my old address on them. It's the inconvenience of having to do all that stuff at once that irked me.

I go to the office for a couple hours and when I got home, I pulled into the same parking space I used when I got home last night. Stepping out of mr car, I see the leaves piled up on the curb...with Charlie Brown's face looking right at me. My beloved wallet was back in my possession and all objects therein completely accounted for.

So, my check card is cancelled, but at least I have and ID to write checks with.

You'd think that since I'm paying them money they'd simplify the process a bit

I had been planning to do laundry and pay bills today. That is all I was supposed to do.

The last time I did laundry, I went ahead and put twenty bucks on my card to save me having to get cash before I did it next time. Today, I got all my laundry together and headed down to the laundromat. Soon, it became apparent that there was something going on at TU. Traffic was slow, the street was blocked off, the side streets were flooded with parked cars, and once I finally reached the laundromat parking lot, it was full. Looking into the laundromat from my car, there were only three people in there doing their laundry. The closest place to park, from what I could tell was about five blocks away. I headed for home and decided to do laundry tomorrow.

I grabbed my bills and headed out to pay my bills. All of the utilities I pay at the ChoicePay kiosk at the grocery store. I got my cash at the ATM and went up to the kiosk. I was out of service. Oh well, I'll just go down the street to the other grocery store that has another kiosk.

Getting out the parking lot was a bit of a challenge. It was as if every soccer mom in the tri-state area decided at once to navigate their mini-vans through the parking lot after taking heroic doses of magic mushrooms. They paused at every stop sign like eventually they'd be shown a "go" sign. And the speed bumps? Let's just say I've seen people climb Everest with less hesitation. We used to send these kind of people away so they could knit imaginary sweaters all day or learn how to retread tires. Now, we give them mini-vans, a charge card and a shopping list.

I get to the other grocery store and the kiosk is being used by a woman with three kids, two full shopping carts and the mathematic agility of a dead squirrel. After several long minutes, she managed to push the right buttons, get her treat and off she went to go feed Jabba the Hutt. I got my utilities paid in a minute flat. All that was left was the cell phone bill.

I went into the US Cellular place that I purchased my phone, went up to the counter and waited. I understand it was busy, but it took fifteen minutes for someone to even acknowledge my presence. When Zippy the Wonder Clerk finally came out, he told me that I could just leave my payment on the counter. I told him that in the age of identity theft, I'm not buying the honor system they've got going on. Besides, I was paying with a check card. His respose to that, "Sir, you could do that over the phone."

After a deep breath, I let it all out. "I tried that once. I also tried paying over the internet, but both times it didn't get credited to my account. Now, I like to have a human being, maybe some sort of...let's call him a customer service representative, look me in the eye and tell me it's all in the system and, I dunno, maybe get a receipt! I know you've got a lot of new customers you gotta sign up right now, but I'm sure they'd understand and maybe appreciate that someone actually gets help after they sign up for your service."

Zippy asked that I wait for just a few more minutes and he'll be able to take care of it for me. I told him I had some paint drying at home that I'd rather watch and left.

My head was hurting and my blood sugar was low, so I pulled into Sonic and ordered a extra long chili cheese coney with mustard and onions, tater tots, and a cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper. What I got was a chili cheese coney, tater tots with mustard and onions and a cherry vanilla Diet Coke. I called the carhop back and sent everything back. When I got the corrected order, it looked like they dumped half a tub of mustard on the coney. Whatever, at least I didn't find a big loogie in it.

Driving home with my head still throbbing and with everyone in traffic not knowing where the hell they're going (only that they might find it if they turn left in front of me). I get a mile away from home and look off to my left and there is another US Cellular outlet with no one in the parking light, an open sign brightly lit, and what I believe is a beam of light from the heavens and a chorus of angels singing. I go in, pay my bill, get confirmation from a human being and a receipt! Cue Beetoven's Ode to Joy and I'm on my way home.

So now I'm home, breath reeking of mustard, headache almost gone and a feeling of relief that my bills are all paid up until next month. Maybe I'll try to get my laundry done at the crack of dawn tomorrow, before they roll the rock away from the front of the cave and let the crazies out.

Political cures that may be worse than the disease Vol.4: Election reform

For 12 years, Democrats like myself have been shooting darts at the huge elephant, and finally, this week we hit the central nervous system of the big beast and won back both houses of Congress. Granted it was by a very narrow margin...most of the races I saw were won by less than 5% of the vote.

And, with every election since I became eligible to vote, there have been dirty tricks all around, so I have figured out a few things that might help fix a few things about the process:

1. Negative attack ads: From what I understand, it is law for media organizations to devote equal time to each candidate. The solution for negative attack ads is two-fold. First, outlaw the 527 groups; the non-profit groups whose sole purpose is to advertise their viewpoint, regardless of whether it is factual, proper or by any sense of the term "in good taste", to defame or impune the character of a political candidate. Some would argue that these ads are incredibly effective, but then again it's so much easier to win the vote by stimulating the voters modula oblogata than their hearts, isn't it?. Plus, if they say that it isn't endorsed by any candidate, it's exempt from the equal time guidelines. They may not publicly endorse it, but they're not exactly going on record to refuse the assistance, are they?

Now, when it comes to the ads that are actually endorsed by the candidates or their political organizations, here's my solution: If they're supposed to allow equal airtime to each candidate, I'd love to see one candidate, just once, refuse to advertise on the air. Have them run a strictly grass-roots campaign. Internet, rallies, fundraising benefits, etc. pull in a ton of money, folks. Feasibly, a candidate could run his/her entire campaign without a tv or radio ad, which would force their opponent to do the same. Besides, in the age of TiVo and DVR, no one really watches those ads anyway.

2. Election disruption techniques: Classify robo-calling, letter campaigns telling voters they shouldn't vote, slashing tires of vans that transport people to the polls, flooding the phone lines of campaign headquarters and election help hotlines with prank phone calls as terrorist acts. Hell, they are essentially tactics that infringe on our inalienable rights, so let's treat them as such.

3. Exit polls: This is the easiest to fix. At the next major election, if you are approached by a pollster, give them misleading information on purpose. Tell them the exact opposite of what you just voted. Give all the Karl Roves of the world that false sense of security that makes the concession speeches their candidates have to give later so entertaining.

4. Public debate: Enforce the rules of civilized debate with shock collars...Eliminate teleprompters...Or, my personal favorite, have political speeches follow the same rules as Japanese game shows. Imagine a candidate that must give his speech, from memory, while in a tank of scorpions and with the threat that if they misspeak one word, they will get puched in the balls (or equally sensitive area) by a midget in a court jester costume.

5. Campaign finance reform: Each candidate is allowed a limit of $50 from each person or corporation that donates to their campaign. Anyone who tries to donate more than that will be prosecuted on bribery charges. I know it costs a lot of money to run for office, but if they want to show that they can balance the budget, let them show us how they handle these kinds on money restraints.

6. Move Election Day to April 15th: Let's see these fuckers straighten their acts when we pay them the same day we hire or re-hire them.

7. Leave the kids out of it: No one has ever questioned any candidate devotion to their own family. Bringing your kids out solely to illustrate how you care about eductaion, abortion, same-sex marriage, etc. is demeaning and insulting. Adn, if your character is being attacked because of allegations of an extra-marital affair, homosexuality or past episodes of abuse, dragging your family out there should be codsidered cruel and unusual punishment, particularly if you are admitting the accusations are true. Say what you will about Clinton, at least he had the decency to leave Hillary and Chelsea at home when he fessed up.

8. Concession speeches: You lost your job. Boo fucking hoo. I'd say that now you'd know how most of your constituants have felt these past few years, but we all know we won't be seeing you in the unemployment lines anytime soon and they certainly won't be raking in the cash you will going on the lecture circuit or being named chairman of some board of directors out there. And don't tell us, "Well, we fought the good fight" or some bullshit like that. Just come out and congratulate the winner and admit you lost. Don't tell us that you're doing the honorable thing by not dragging us through a lengthy recount. Gore won the popular vote in 2000, and there was some sneaky shit going on in Florida with the ballots. You know it, we know it, and to stand there and tell us that you're doing the honorable thing and accepting that you lost is a bit hipocritical considering the side you were taking when Gore tried to fight for what was rightfully his.

9. Remember the third commandment: Do not take the Lord's name in vain. That doesn't just mean no cursing. It also applies to invoking your own faith in God to imply that your opponent does not share the same values. Just because the person you're running against says they're pro-choice doesn't mean they kill unborn children as part of some satanic ritual. It simply means that if it'll keep a desperate woman from going to a med school flunkee in a back alley somewhere rather than raise a child on minimum wage and have little or no help from the government thanks to this administration's welfare policies, than it might be worth it. Same with gay marriage. Your opponent's support of same-sex marriage doesn't mean they're some sort of godless sodomite looking to recruit underage kids for an orgy. It simply means that gay people are gonna commit themselves to one another anyway just like straight couples do...it's just unfair for straights to pay $50 for a marriage license and gay couples can't do anything for the same recognition.

10. Not everything is a fucking photo-op: Sure, you're in the public eye, but do you have to play for the cameras every time? If you go out to dinner somewhere, just have dinner. It doesn't have to be some event to be documented. If a cameraman happens to be there, go about eating your dinner as any normal person would. Don't go to a soup kitchen in Harlem and slice turkey for the homeless then sit down with them and act like you somehow "relate" to their plight. These people are trying to eat at least one meal that wasn't pulled out of a dumpster. You've never had a bounced check in your life. Yeah, you're such a man of the people.

11. Quit trying to spin everything: In this election, we've seen a candidate admit to having an affair, but deny ever choking his mistress, another candidate call an Indian-American man an obscure racial slur and tell him, "Welcome to America" when the man was born here AND downplay his own Jewish heritage by declaring his love for pork chops, many candidates who has taken considerable contributions from crooked lobbyists and shady businesses..and all of them not only stayed in their respective races, but managed to garner a considerable amount of the votes (30-49%) due to their ability to bullshit their way out of it. I guess it's much more important to appear to be a good person that represents our American values that is is to actually embody those values. Meanwhile, in the real world, if someone is even accused of wrongdoing in their work, their career is over no matter how much they try to bullshit. Why is it so different for politics?

Oh well, at least we've got some serious changes coming our way this January...that is unless Bush declares himself emperor between now and then.

Wednesday Night Caption Contest

It's that time again, and since the Dems have control of Congress, the chances for legalization have been upgraded to just higher than a snowball's chance in hell...So I present this week's caption pic. Post your captions in the comments section below.

Here's mine:

"Man, it was horrible! That guy in the bee costume kept trying to pollenate with me!"


The winner of last week's contest was CleverName, who was judged solely on length (like most contests he's involved in), with the caption: "Whoa, check out the fairway on her!
I wouldn't mind getting lost in her rough, if you know what I mean...
I wouldn't mind getting caught in her sandtrap, if you know what I mean...
I wouldn't mind giving her a double bogey, if you know what I mean...
I wouldn't mind replacing her divot, if you know what I mean...
I wouldn't mind...well, you know what I mean."

Tired from shooting darts at the elephant all night

The elephant is definitely feeling a bit of a sting, and I'll check back in the morning to see if it is dead.

Four more states have banned same-sex marriage, but several have raised minimum wage, there are slot machines in Ohio and we Oklahomans can now buy liquor on Election Day.

My home state of Arkansas have a Democratic Governor once again, Rick "Frothy Mixture" Santorum's political career is over (thank God), and best of all, WE HAVE TAKEN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES!!!

At this moment, we need three more seats to take the Senate. We'll see in the morning whether I will be eating crow or enjoying watching Bush sweat bullets for the remainder of his presidency.

Good night, folks!

Further adventures with my Landlord

Here's a letter I got this morning from my landlord:

"It is brought to our attention that there are some items on the front porch these items need to be moved to the backporch or there will be a $100.00 fine. The above will need to be done by 11/06/06."

I call the number on the letter and the following conversation takes place

LANDLORD: Hi, do you want to rent a house?

ME: Um, no.

LANDLORD: Okay, then.

ME: Yeah, I got this letter telling me to remove the items on my front porch. Tell me, which item do you consider objectionable: The flower pot with the dead jade plant, the empty flower pot or ashtray?

LANDLORD: Okay, you're in the Inez building, aren't you?

ME: Yep.

LANDLORD: Okay, you shouldn't have gotten that letter. That was meant to only go to your upstairs neighbors.

ME: So, I can rest assured that I won't be fined $100?

LANDLORD: Yes.

ME: Forgive me for being cynical, but this is not the first time I've gotten a stern letter from you guys that has turned out to be nothing.

LANDLORD: I'm so sorry about that, sir. If you could please call the office and leave Stacy a voicemail to let her know of this.

ME: Can do! Thank you. Goodbye.

So, I call the office and leave a voicemail for Stacy:

"Hi, this is Dan Fritschie. I live in the Inez building, and I got a letter telling me to move the stuff on my front porch. I have two flower pots and an ashtray. Please don't fine me $100."

Oh, well. This letter will be filed away in my "Evidence against my Landlord" folder. It's so nice that my living arrangements are run through an office that runs with the care and effieiency of an inept temp with a rotten attitude.

License to withhold judgment until the film comes out

I had a few minutes at the end of work today, so I scanned through some of my favorite web sites. One of them had a link to the music video for the theme song for the new Bond film, Casino Royale.

I have a thing for Bond themes. One thing I've noticed is that on their own, they all pretty much suck. In fact, only one out of the 21 themes thus far actually had any longevity beyond the opening credits of the movie, and that was Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney. It was also the only Bond theme whose cover version (by Guns 'N' Roses) actually was a bigger hit than the original version.

After hearing this latest Bond theme, I gotta say it's tough to judge it before I see the movie. I gotta give the filmmakers credit for getting Chris Cornell to do the song. If they are truly gonna go for a grittier Bond this time around, the lead singer from Soundgarden is a good choice to help set the mood. But hearing it now, before the movie comes out...I dunno...I'm not too impressed.

On the other hand, I absolutely hated Madonna's theme for Die Another Day until I saw the movie. Seeing it in that context won me over and made the movie for me. I could say the same thing for Garbage's The World is Not Enough, but let's get real. Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist?!? That kind of casting wouldn't even fly in in movie that was supposed to be funny.

After watching the video, I cruised around other James Bond related sites, and you know what I found out?

1. Casino Royale has the distinction of being the only Bond film so far that has rain! You mean to tell me that after twenty films, they're finally shooting a scene in the rain?!? These films have a reputation of being rather dark and moody, and they've pulled it off so far without that old Hollywood cliche of having it rain?

2. Not only does James Bond hold the record for the longest running film series in history, but it also has the record for the longest running product placement, and for Walther handguns, of all things.

3. A few of the complaints I've seen on the internet, aside from casting Daniel Craig as Bond, is the idea that, since they are rebooting the Bond storyline and telling the story of his first mission, that they still have Judi Dench playing M. Their point is that Dench came on to the franchise in Goldeneye to replace Bernard Lee after his death, and that causes a major continuity flaw in the franchise. Seriously? Bond has fought everyone from Communists to voodoo cults to South American druglords to media moguls in the past forty years...his age was only addressed as a potential problem two movies ago...Bond and Miss Moneypenny keep getting younger while Q kept getting older and older...and this is what ruins the franchise for you? Lighten up.

I'll be at the theater November 18 for Casino Royale.

The Wednesday night caption contest

Once more into the breach, dear friends. Post your caption in the comments section below.

Here's mine:

1. That's not really a costume. He's an albino with severe acne scarring and a bee sting allergy.

The winner of last week's caption contest is Xanaboobs with the caption: "Just give me another quarter before it starts the spin cycle! You know, these mega washers are expensive, but worth it..."