Belvedere Claims Conditions

The Tulsa Belvedere was unearthed today. Sometime over the past fifty years that sucker has been underground, the vault leaked, filled up completely to the rim and the plastic liner the car was wrapped in deteriorated. The car was unveiled and was discovered to be in pretty poor yet possibly repairable shape.

Before it was interred, children ages 12 and under got to guess what Tulsa's population would be in the year 2007. Whoever got closest (or their next of kin) gets to keep the car.

Sounds pretty simple, right? Well, I think I can make this much more complicated. Here is a fictional list of stipulations in the fine print of the contest:

1. Winner is responsible for the cleaning of the Belvedere, which is to be done by hand, using only a wet rag.

2. Winner must surrender his/her own car as fair trade for the Belvedere. The traded vehicle will be buried as a new time capsule, to be unearthed for the state's 150th anniversary.

3. In the event of a tie, winner will be decided by a drinking contest of the Schlitz beer found in the trunk of the Belvedere.

4. If winner is unwilling to accept the terms of the contest, the first runner-up must enforce the rules of the contest by any means neccessary.

5. Belvedere must be returned to perfect working condition within one week of claiming the prize, on a budget of no more than fair market price of repairs circa 1957, with no adjustment for inflation.

6. The Belvedere must be removed from the convention center within an hour of the declaration of a winner. Given the fragile condition of the vehicle, towing or loading onto a flatbed truck might cause further damage. Thus, the Belvedere can only be pushed to the repair shop. It is important that you remember to push with the legs, not the back.

7. No whining about these conditions, as it is punishable by public flogging.

8. Winner must sign over any and all personal and financial power of attorney to the City of Tulsa. We own your ass, lucky guesser.

9. Any replacement parts for the Belvedere must be factory standard. Since the Belvedere was discontinued in 1970, and Plymouth doesn't exist anymore, lots of luck!

10. Winner may opt out of these conditions provided that they complete an obstacle course to be built and operated by the Tulsa Police Department. Live ammunition can and probably will be used.

11. First born male child can be offered as trade for the Belvedere in the event that a winner cannot be found.

12. In order to pay for the costs of the Belvedere unearthing, a five-cent sales tax will be initiated and named after the winner. You know, a little way for the citizens of Tulsa to remember you.

13. Claiming the Belvedere immediately gives winner above-the-law status within the State of Oklahoma, as well as leniency provisions in fifteen other states.

14. Winner also receives free car washes for life...as that will be required considering the condition the Belvedere is in.

15. Any driver of the Belvedere is required to wear 1950's period dress. Likewise, a code of ethics is in place in accordance with social mores and taboos in the year 1957 which includes, but is not limited to: No heavy petting, seat belts optional, smoking is manditory (non-filtered), no new-fangled rock and roll music, use of pomade, use of the words "swell" and "square" as adjectives, fear of communism, disavowing Hawaii and Alaska as states, etc.